Thursday, September 21, 2006

You whiney little bitch, I do care

Wow, look at all the new submissions. It's almost breaking my heart that I have to work harder to appease the masses tuning in daily to listen to us chew on their blogs and spit them out like watermelon seeds on the summer grass.

That run-on sentence... was musiq to my cold heart.

Remember Summer? Yeah, that's over people... Knuckle up and put on your hip waiters because it's all gone. No more tank tops, smooth evening sunset commutes, ice cream because you're hot not just because you're pigging-out.

Seasonal depression time and I'm set... This is great for me because that means it's time for prescription band-aids. Could be bad for you because I'm a raging emo bitch when I'm depressed - so nobody's safe.

Lucky, lucky Mary. Mary will be the first recipient of my bloggy spankings. Not because I didn't like her blog but because I fucking feel like it. Honestly, I really did like the content of Mary Whines (and, she kinda does), properly titled "As if you care"... It was precise, miscellaneous and yet qwerkily humorous at times.

Do NOT insult my use of non-words. I know "qwerkily" is, in fact, not a word and I don't give a shit.
Correct me and the wrath of God will strike down and plant a bullet of lightning in the wrinkled crevice of your fucking fore head.

She didn't talk too much, she didn't talk too little. This means I could make her a part of my daily blogroll because I knew I wouldn't have to spend 30 minutes of vein sawing melodrama for my brain - trying to super soak too much information or emotion into it. And all before coffee!!!

Granted, when she needs to bitch, she runs on a bit at the mouth. But still, she's got a knack for getting her point across in a human way when she needs too.

For you laymans... She doesn't SUCK. I'm not slapping her either. Spank maybe.

I got a snicker out of "whirled peas" images on world peace day, and the fact she snarked "Talk like a pirate day." Honestly fuckers, did any body say "Aargh?" I sure as fuck didn't. "Talk like a pirate day" what ass-clown started that?

And the Free Range Egg thing. Okay, wtf.. Lady seriously can we sit and talk because I blew soy milk out of my nose when I read it. Here, I have to stick this up here for you:

"Every hen selected to lay Eggland's Best Cage Free eggs is free to roam in a
pleasant, natural environment ..."
For dinner tonight I scrambled an egg,
threw in a little verde salsa, then wrapped it in a whole wheat pita. Pasta and
bean salad on the side. To drink: Half of a bottle of Corona beer.
I chose
the cage free eggs at the grocery store because I would like animals to be happy
before they give us their lives or their milk or their eggs to eat.
When I
read the description above, I realized the damn hen who laid my dinner tonight
is living a better life than me!! She is roaming free in a pleasant, natural
environment. I spend my work day sitting in a cubicle under fluorescent lighting
breathing in stagnate air feeling stressed by bureaucratic idiocy.

People, what's not to love about that? I didn't even have to hit the bong before reading that to be entertained. Tickled even.

So, since she motivated me to dive in to the depts of unabandoned archive on her blog... I actually enjoyed myself. Her sub-categories for blog diving were proper and completely suitable for the post to be in. They were also succinct and to the point with such topics as "Men I am not dating" or "Whining about how Hot or Cold I am"

Ahh yes, the proverbial AC/Heat who the fuck is really this temperature posts... My favorite.

Overall, I liked Mary Whines... I'll read it thoroughly and I'm sure no matter what day it is, she'll have something stimulating for me. I don't want to dwell on the template, but... Change it, please. Not the Green... ANYTHING BUT THE FUCKING GREEN!!!!

I fucking love you Mary. I feel like being lesbian... Will you marry me?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting This is all you get. And it's short, to the point... And well deserved.


  1. I read Mary Whines every day and enjoy it, too. She's got a great sense of humor.

  2. I'm guessing I need to go back and read this when I'm not completely sleep deprived, hung over, and staring at a giant pile of work that needs to be done by noon tomorrow. It's one thing to love procrastination, it's another thing when your boss does.

    I, personally, hate that blogger template. Otherwise, I can dig the site. Especially because *I* am the totally hilarious video that she found on someone elses' blog. I rock that much!

    Alright. Time to figure out how to hide so my boss stops asking me if I finished my shit yet. Anyone got a desk they wouldn't mind me using? I'll so make it worth your while.

  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    I am glad you like it, love it, whatever. Glad you don't hate it.

    "Qwerky": My next tattoo!

    Runs off at the mouth: Uh-huh, when I forget to take my meds.

    I feel like being a lesbian, will you marry me?: Sure, I can be an internet lesbian because that doesn't require any real commitment.


Grow a pair.