Thursday, April 16, 2009

Alas, Mommybloggers

Gather around, kids. I'm going to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, Love Bites was dating a guy she met at church. In a very unchurchy way, however, Love Bites and her beau were fornicating the shit out of each other. One day, Love Bites started feeling nauseated and sick. She went to the grocery story, and on a whim, purchased a pregnancy test. Love Bites took the little stick into her bathroom, where she peed right onto it. As she watched, a miraculous blue line appeared on the stick. "Honey," she said. "I think I'm knocked up."

And that, kids, is how Love Bites got married. Top that one for romance.

So, today's blogger is trying to get knocked up. I don't know if that's the point of her blog, (or what the point actually is, in spite of reading about 30 posts), but at least three of the most recent ten posts talk about the pregnancy endeavor. Having spent most of 30 years trying to avoid pregnancy, and failing miserably on 3 occasions, it's hard for me to relate. The idea that people intentionally get pregnant baffles me. Accidental, I can understand. Accidental is interesting. For that matter, fornication is interesting to me. Planned pregnancies? Zzzzzzz.

So, count that as strike one in the difficulties with relating to today's blogger.

Strike two is this: PLEASE DO NOT REFER TO YOURSELF ONLY AS SOMEONE'S MOMMY WHEN YOU BLOG, aka: "Funny Bunny Mama." Didn't you have an identity before you enlisted your uterus for this heavy duty mommy work? Did that person just disappear when your vagina activated? Did your brain, your soul, your intellect, your personhood DIE when your child was born? This is not healthy behavior. Please stop thinking about yourself only in these terms. And, if you don't think of yourself only in these terms, then purge this behavior from your blog. It's NOT GOOD. It leads to NOT GOOD THINGS. I've been down that NOT GOOD road, my chilluns, and it won't end well. Find your own damn name. Find your own damn voice.

Strike three: "Our Little Funny Bunny." I think I threw up a little bit.

Strike four: THIS SHIT. God I hate blogtests, memes, blogxchanges, blog promotions, blog cross pollination, and other contrived crap like that. Please, for the love of all that is semi-sacred, knock it the fuck off.

This blog is cute. It has a cute design. The colors are cute, and it's neat and tidy. The kid in the header image is cute. I can't hate on cute.

Oh, wait. I can. The writing is safe & cute. It turns over no new stones. It needs to be edited, heavily. It meanders with no point. It takes no risks. It shows us some stuff on the surface, but never the soul beneath. It's pedestrian. It's BORING.

You can sense from the surface that there might be problems, but this blog is all that is nice, and everything that term implies: white picket fences, June Cleaver smiling at Ward and sleeping in separate beds, children with clean lunch boxes, perfectly starched little dresses. Ain't nothing wrong with nice.

Although, your blog tells me that under the nicey nice, there's some huge problems that you are totally not dealing with.

Mommybloggers, of the world, I have a message for you. And, because I'm lazy, I'm going to borrow, liberally, from something I sent in an e-mail to someone yesterday:

The really insidious thing about mommyblogging is that most people can really only stand so much cute coupled with snark. It's like spending 24 hours on cute overload. Awww, look at the itty bitty chicks, you think. Oh, wait. There are more chicks. And more. They're ADORABLE. And then, 20 minutes later, after looking at ten million fluffy adorable chicks, you want to take a hatchet to them and eat them.

Or at least, I do. I need some heart. Some guts. Some blood, sweat and tears. And most blogs, mommyblogs included, never go there. And, that's a shame.


There is nothing on your blog that sucks me in, or makes me care. This blog could be a mainstay for you, a place to say what you have to say, a place to share your deepest soul. But, mostly, you don't.

It's sweet, it's nice, it's boring as hell.

I want to know WHO YOU ARE. I want to know what moves YOU. I want some fucking backstory that helps me make sense of your current struggles and happiness (and this ain't it). I want an explanation of the quote in your header image. I WANT A FUCKING STORY.

I mean, sure, kids are great. They're the greatest, highest, most wonderful part of my world. But they aren't everything. And, when they're grown and gone (and it will be soon, darlings), I'll just have me. And, who will that person be, if my entire life has been subsumed into adoration of my children? I think it's a question to ask yourself.

I give you a fluffy chick. You're nice.



p.s. PLEASE don't have another baby until you fix your marriage.

584 comments:

  1. When I was a kid my mother told me, "I refuse to let my entire life be you kids. I have an identity, I have other things I want to do."

    At the time, I thought she was horrible, a terrible mother.

    As I got older, I got it, I understood.

    But truthfully? Mom never has. She had the right thought, but no balls to carry through on it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait a minute, you dont hate her? But she is a mommy blogger. Isnt that against the rules or something? I thought we hated ALL mothers that blogged, including but not limited to ourselves.

    I dont hate her either, I'm just bored. I couldnt get through more than a couple of posts.

    I also am going to suggest NOT having another baby until things are rock steady with her marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hate's a strong emotion. I try to reserve it for my ex-husband, and even he can only get me to go there a couple of times a year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ps - I fucking love baby chicks.

    Peep peep.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love them when Stroud's gets ahold of them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I got bored hating my ex-husband.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Seriously. So been there, done that. I mean, he is a loathesome, detestable scumbag, but that's not new information.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hear ya. I just wait for him to do something new and interesting so I can hate him all over again for a few minutes. Then I get bored again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, Stroud's does a righteous job on them.

    However? My husband does better, thus making eating them out not as awesome anymore.

    My hubs can fry some shit up. I think it's his long term plan to kill me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fried foods and campground beer sounds like a murderous plan to me!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Fried foods and campire beer sounds like a kick ass party to me, y'all.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fried food and campground beer makes up my entire existence.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Our little funny bunny? Sigh. I knew I shouldn't have thrown my last doobie away.

    ReplyDelete
  14. PS, you know the original Stroud's is closed. Knocked down.

    Doesn't seem worth going to the new ones.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I thought my dad was the only guy left on planet earth that says doobie.

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMG, that's so damn wrong. Remember the awesome cinnamon rolls, though? *droool.*

    ReplyDelete
  17. My mom wanted to name our cat Doobie. Looking back, I totally should have let her.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I call my kid Doobie. Is that wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Who's a good little Doobie?

    You are!

    You can call me Doobie's Mom.

    But don't.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You are so going to be Stifler's Mom, Bets. Those tits will carry you straight into legendary milfhood.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I think teenage boys run from DDD's.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Not any teenage boy I've ever met.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My mom was one of those woman who defined herself with motherhood. It was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect, because we knew we were all she had. If we messed up once, she behaved like it was the end of the fucking world. And for her it was. That is the danger of consuming yourself with your child.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Gok - you sound like my husband, there, denying the boob love.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Everyone loves boobs! Dont deny yourself Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think GoK would like this conversation to take a different course.

    ReplyDelete
  27. It does appear that way doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Gwen,

    The more you write, the more common ground I find with you. I bet our moms would be BFFs.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I sorta like boobs. There, I feel much better.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Seriously, I feel like I'm at a boob farm.

    ReplyDelete
  31. My mom is still heavily under the influence of a brainwashing cult known as the Southern Baptist church. It's very sad.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Maybe I missed my calling as a boobfarmer.

    ReplyDelete
  33. LB - that truly sucks. I often wonder: if my mom had a blog when I was growing up, what it would look like, what it would say. "Oh my. What a day. Gwen spilled juice all over the carpet and I flipped the fuck out and broke some dishes. Then I got in a fight with DH and he left. Then I went up to my room and sobbed for like 5 hours until my kids came up and apologized for being so bad. Then we all went to church!"

    ReplyDelete
  34. Ghost - now you can pick it up where you.

    Basically, you can pluck implants right from the ground, you know.

    I mean, I think we must be hitting the first wave of implant receivers dying right?

    Just dig those puppies up and recycle them.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Boobfarmer...what would you harvest?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Wow, look at that, the meds have not helped my typing skills at all today.

    ReplyDelete
  37. You're welcome to my funbags when I die. 350cc silicone bags.

    ReplyDelete
  38. This is much funnier if you know my last name. Ooops. Well, now you do. Sooner or later, I was doomed to 'have a farm'. Eeieeioo.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gwen: Wow. I'm thinking now that this might be a good way to get DPH the new boobs she wants. Hurry up and die people.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I have 425cc of saline.

    Wait one side is a little bigger I think. So maybe one is 425 one is 400.

    Yeah, I think that is right.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Gok - I'm working on it. I mean the dying part. Drinking, drugs, BRCA2. In the words of the late great Anne Sexton - The body is a damn hard thing to kill.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Gwen: I'll need you to keep me updated on your progress.

    ReplyDelete
  43. This I know... But still? I like the word butthead. All one word.

    The rest of the day you are butthead.

    You okay with that?

    ReplyDelete
  44. The word that stuck out for me was "safe." That's what gets me about a lot of these types of bloggers: it's all surface and safe.

    Great review, Love.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Blah. Large tits (real ones) do scare guys. Actually had one guy turn me down once.

    Do you think funny banana mama really likes the head, because where else would she get that name? Or maybe she does the June Cleaver thing and vaccuums in heels and pearls? Because that could be hot.

    ReplyDelete
  46. P.S. I'm not really dying. I just said that to get Gok's hopes up.

    ReplyDelete
  47. My favorite part is all the encouragement in the comments.

    I CANNOT fathom someone encouraging me to get knocked up!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Tits: No, I'm not going to say it. I refuse. I will not say it.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm fairly certain that accidental pregnancy will be the only way I sprout children. Or divine intervention. From Satan.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Yeah, guys turn me down all the time. No, that's not right. They come up to me, hit on me, and then do this crazy personality turn. It's all, "I didn't know people like you existed. We are totally fucking hanging out again." And then they want to be my best friend for a week, and then they meet the girl of their dreams and I have to go to another goddamn wedding.

    I am the Best. Wingman. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  51. so I started writing that in response to Captain Steve, and I forgot to mention my massive tits.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Well I am all Picasso under my shirt. Still wanna peek?

    And I'm with Betsey and LB - Getting pregnant on purpose feels unnatural to me. And I know that makes no logical sense. But it seems like people have the hardest time getting pregnant when they try.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Actually, I did try with both of the kids.

    Turns out, I only had to try once though.

    Where is the fun in that?

    ReplyDelete
  54. Rassles - I was the best buddy for the longest time too.

    My friends always ended up with the dates.

    ReplyDelete
  55. In honor of our New Infertile Friend Sarah, I'm going to move that we stop talking 'water' to the 'drowning victim'.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Ghost just got all thoughtful. My hope for humanity is restored.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Rass: Strangely, I have the wingman problem too, but with a small twist. All my female friends end up making out/sleeping with guys they've met through me. At a first meeting. Each. Fucking. Time.

    Maybe you and I ought to hang out. One of us is bound to get lucky :P

    ReplyDelete
  58. I will agree with you on some points, but have to disagree on others.

    Yes, the majority of the content is, as Calamity succinctly put it, "safe". The bulk of it is a surface treatment of what could be far more interesting content.

    However, from my perspective, I think she did take a risk writing about how she became a married mother (the post you linked to with "taking no risks"), as well as in admitting that her marriage is screwed up and needs fixing. (Which, incidentally, it does, and preferably before she has another child with this man. A baby is not going to fix anything, it will instead place a magnifying glass on the problems that already existed.)

    I won't get into the trying to conceive thing with you... with three accidental pregnancies (at least that's what I understood), you and I come at the whole becoming a parent thing from completely opposite directions.

    And finally, a pseudonym is like a blog title or a book cover. Making assumptions based on that alone may prevent the discovery of something more.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I don't know, man. Titles are revealing things. They don't reveal everything, sure, but it's your first impression. I admit I judge them. Perhaps to my detriment, but still. If you don't grab me with your title, if I find it trite or lacking individuality, well... I'll probably just click away.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Key, I think DPH shoud keep her real boobs. Smaller boobs stay firm and you can wear things with no bra, nipples ar eth emost fun anyhow. I had such big boobs I opted to have them reduced. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Nowadays with everyone in SoCal getting boobs, I actually think small real boobs are hot 'cause everyone's sporting DDs.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Formerly Fun is right. I would KILL to have my old boobs back. Little things, but they were so perky and perfect. Sigh. I can't believe I'm wistful about boobs today.

    ReplyDelete
  62. @Calamity:

    That's fair, I suppose, except for the fact that AAYSR preaches that it's all about content, about oomph. A blog title or pseudonym isn't the apex of the content; sometimes it's not even the best representation.

    Note that I'm not criticizing your personal opinion, just remarking that it disagrees with what you say in a lot of your reviews.

    I think that sometimes, people choose pseudonyms on a whim (like me) and then they become identified with that pseudonym for better or worse. I used to blog under my real first name, but did a reboot and chose SciFi Dad haphazardly. When I polled my readers for opinions about a new name, most were resistant, indicating that they "knew" me as SFD. (In fact, the truth about how I came up with my pseudonym was so boring I made up an origin story for it.)

    ReplyDelete
  63. I wouldn't dismiss a blog solely on the title or header. I mean, mine is pretty boring. I'd like to think my content is better than my header and title. Hmmm. Maybe it's time I get a new title.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Rassles - about being a "wingman". Yeah, that was me forever. I was just a friend. It got to a point where I was shocked when a guy paid real sexual interest in me. I didn't recognize it.

    ReplyDelete
  65. No, you're right: content is king. But accessories help get you noticed.

    For what it's worth, I like "SciFi Dad."

    But I find anything titled along the lines of (as noted in the review) Pumpkin's Mom or Stockbroker's Wife or any variation thereof kind of off-putting. Ok, really off-putting.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I should say that I'm not going to click away if your title is boring and your content is good and somehow I saw your content before your title. I just mean if all I see is a ho-hum blog title or pseudonym, I'm probably not going to be intrigued enough to check out your content.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I'll admit, seeing funny bunny's mom or something, that will just kill my interest, right there. Yes, I'm shallow. But it is also part of the content you're putting out there, that your identity is in this one thing.

    At least, sci fi dad, your identity comes from TWO things. And, I like sci fi. But, if your username had been, I dunno, NASCARdad...toast.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Curious, this was very close to the review I was going to give.

    Right down to your P.S.

    The test I think would be if a magic wan was waved and her marriage was perfect, would it be worth reading? I'd have to say, as a non-friend/family outsider, no.

    Remove the car crash we are all watching waiting to happen, it's below par, moreso due to effortlack of effort than lack of skill.

    I'd ask her would she herself read it if she didn't know her...

    ReplyDelete
  69. oh look, I COULD do a review after all

    ReplyDelete
  70. Note to self: cancel plans to change name to "Butt Plug Dad". Calamity and Love Bites like pseudonym as is.

    ReplyDelete
  71. alternatively, you could rearrange the words I wrote there to make a coherent sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Actually, butt plug dad would a-okay.

    Gene: figured as much. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  73. Hmmm, notice how we are never seen in the same room as each other?

    ReplyDelete
  74. It's all part of the magic, Fr.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Gwen: don't change your blog. It's already perfect. i've now precluded myself from reviewing you, though.

    ReplyDelete
  76. If you were going to get a t-shirt personalized, what would yours say?

    Mine would say "cautionary tale."

    ReplyDelete
  77. Mine would say 'boob farmer'.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Mine would say: Superpussy

    ReplyDelete
  79. Damn, LB! I was so counting on getting you as I've already seduced you into my web at the Wonderland Ranch.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Do you realize the hilarity of wanting ME to review your blog? NO ONE WANTS THAT.

    You must be crazy. If so, please share your meds. We needs them.

    ReplyDelete
  81. I think we should consider our own t-shirt line. And the ever-crafty Rassles can design them.

    I'm only 43% joking here.

    ReplyDelete
  82. I think the problem with mommybloggers that stay on the safe side is that they started their blog as a dedication to their children and to motherhood. And because they are so fucking nutso about their own kids, they have to give their url to every relative that shares a drop of their blood, causing them to always stay on the safe side.

    Who knows, maybe they had never been inspired by anything in their lives until they popped on out. I'm glad they finally have enough inspiration to make a cute template at least and sit down and write about their lives for the ultra bored and quality-reading-deprived folk among us. I truly think if they had found a speck of inspiration in life before having children, there would be some remnant of person left in them that is independent from their offspring.

    All I can do is shrug to that. There are probably billions just like that. That's fine. I'll coexist with them and all, but I ain't fucking reading the inner workings of their brains, yo, which usually consists of describing fucking playdates.

    I'd rather fuck around on here and read about all of your fake boobies. Am I the only one around here that likes small tits (specifically my own)?

    ReplyDelete
  83. LB - I am a little crazy. But I got the morphine, percocet, and valium. Does life get any better than that? Will trade good meds for good review.

    ReplyDelete
  84. @Bluestreak:

    I totally agree. One of the things we (my wife and I) did when we rebooted to go anonymous is to keep the urls hidden from family and friends. (Well, for the most part; she gave it to a few friends so I have to watch what I say about them. I accidentally left my url open on my sister's laptop once and so she has it too, but otherwise we blog without such repercussions.)

    I have found that without fear of hurting people's feelings, I can write more honestly.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Bluestreak - I have fake boobies because of the BRCA2. Believe me, I would take my real, little ones any day. My fake ones are just a B cup anyway. I used to be a small A.

    ReplyDelete
  86. 1. I love small boobies and wish mine were.

    2. Mine are completely natural DDs that still look surprisingly good at age 43.

    ReplyDelete
  87. 1. I love DPH's boobs the way they are.

    2. She does not.

    3. I can't believe we are still talking boobs.

    ReplyDelete
  88. More than likely, my shirt would really say.

    Sushi in the day
    Saki at night

    ReplyDelete
  89. I have no idea what my t-shirt would say. This is likely due to a lack of introspection.

    ReplyDelete
  90. In regards to hurting friends feelings...I don't worry about it. I know some of my friends have been a little iffy about things I've written about them. So I just berate them until they stop being so lame about it, and now they're all, "when are you going to write about the time I did _____________ (fucking whatever)?"

    Family, however? If they read it, I don't know about it.

    ReplyDelete
  91. I'm kind of working under the assumption that if I wrote it and they happened to read, then probably needed to be said.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Chances are I'll say it to their face eventually if I haven't yet.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Saying planned pregnancies bore you is like some one who inherited a fortune saying that needing money bores them. It might not be something they can relate to but it isn't the subject that is boring it is the writing that draws you in, or doesn't in this case. You don't have to experience something to be able to empathise. Look at Xbox4nappyrash as a prime example of the most planned (albeit not going to plan) with an I Fucking Love You from you guys.

    But with the exception of strike one totally agree with the review. So maybe I disagree with the first strike because it is a bit too close to home.

    And for the record, I have great boobs.

    ReplyDelete
  94. I'm not arguing the point. I'm just saying that the struggle to get impregnated is something I can't really relate to given that sperm and eggs were ALWAYS trying to attach themeselves to me.

    We all have areas of interest, reading about people's fertility issues (albeit, I'm sure, a huge concern to the people experiencing it) isn't one of mine.

    Though, Xbox's conversations with his sperm are always amusing. chalk me up as a fan of sperm.

    ReplyDelete
  95. fan of sperm

    LB's next t-shirt

    ReplyDelete
  96. fan of sperm

    Fr. Gene's next set of underpants.

    ReplyDelete
  97. All these great boobs and know beads. Shame.

    LB: I think you're really a fan of the various delivery methods and the packaging than you are of the little swimmers themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Look what I just did. 'No beads'.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Oh, no, I like the little swimmers too.

    Fuck me, I've said too much.

    ReplyDelete
  100. No, no, I think she just really likes the sperm.

    They're cuddly.

    ReplyDelete
  101. And I refrained from throwing a "guzzler" in there.

    I said too little.

    ReplyDelete
  102. I'm just happy that the term dumpster wasn't used.

    ReplyDelete
  103. Well, it isn't MY nickname.

    ReplyDelete
  104. T-shirts abound.

    Dumpster can only be used in reference to me, as in she looks like "found in a dumpster Barbie"

    ReplyDelete
  105. 1.) I love boobs

    2.) I love all of you for the simple fact that you are still talking about boobs!

    3.)Ghost, you brought a tear to my eye, and a warm fuzzy feeling in my special place.

    4.) I would sell my soul(if I had one) to have small cute tits.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I like sperm. Provided they come nowhere near my eggs.

    That makes me kind of a spermaphobe doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  107. Only on this blog could we go from fluffy chicks and mommy issues all the way to "games to play with sperm" in a single afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Mr. Booms called me that...

    ONCE.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Cum dumpster isn't my nickname, either. "Dirty girl who needs a spanking" might qualify, though.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Ok. We have 'loves sperm' and 'great boobs'. Did I mention I'm an organic jeweler?

    ReplyDelete
  111. I'm so stepping out of this conversation now.

    I smell trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Ooooh, now we're talking about sperm! Nice. Is someone donating?

    Ghost, I'm sure I've missed something...whats with the biscotti?

    ReplyDelete
  113. Idk, Sarah, what's it worth to ya? I'm thinking I'm being insensitive right now. My biscotti are laced with gok.

    ReplyDelete
  114. DON'T EAT THE BISCOTTI. No one loves sperm that much.

    ReplyDelete
  115. If the joke needed explaining...

    ReplyDelete
  116. ...kinda pointless after that, innit?

    ReplyDelete
  117. Hey, how many times can someone get away with saying 'pre-teen semen'?

    ReplyDelete
  118. Hey, I loves me some sperm.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Way to end the party, Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Sarah, I'm sure you do.

    BB: Well, I'm good at finishing.

    ReplyDelete
  121. heh.

    I'm sure you are Ghost, I'm sure you are.

    ReplyDelete
  122. Yes, even in the touche.

    GoK, you're such a bragger.

    ReplyDelete
  123. Maybe he wasnt bragging. Maybe it was more of a confession?

    ReplyDelete
  124. Bragging? No. If I was bragging, I would go on about how I do it all better than anyone alive. I consider my self an Anatomical Missionary.

    ReplyDelete
  125. Yeah, I'm out of here.

    There are things I don't want to know. I had to stop reading your blog, Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  126. Chances are, if I have to tell you why, then you still wouldn't understand the actual "why".

    I just kind of use the expression, "somethings are best left to the imagination" as a rule of thumb.

    ReplyDelete
  127. I've noticed a lot of people have stopped reading my blog. Must have been something I said. Eh.

    ReplyDelete
  128. Hey, I didn't even explain the Doggy Sanchez. I've cleaned up my act, honestly.

    ReplyDelete
  129. Just know, I'm shaking my head in the way only a mother can.

    ReplyDelete
  130. I read. I just dont know what the hell to say 99% of the time.

    ReplyDelete
  131. '...you're rapping about homosexuals and vicodin. I can't sell that shit!'

    I think that might sum it all up. It's not for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  132. Idk, maybe I do need a spanking.

    ReplyDelete
  133. You need something, I dont know that a spanking is really gonna cut it though.

    Perhaps a time out.

    ReplyDelete
  134. ...and a lot of therapy.

    You know, it's weird, because the line of where I don't want to know anymore is kind of flexible. Reading about butt sex with a woman 20 years ago? A-okay by me. Reading about butt sex with your fiance? Not so much.

    I love y'all, but I don't want to know.

    ReplyDelete
  135. Oh god, i had all butt(see what I did there? I amuse me)forgotten about the butt sex post.

    ReplyDelete
  136. Tell us more about you amusing yourself...

    ReplyDelete
  137. The rest is kinda private Gene.

    ReplyDelete
  138. Sarah: Which one?

    LB: Huh. People don't want to read about that?

    ReplyDelete
  139. Hey listen, when you've been trying to get knocked up for almost 2 years and have had to resort to a Dr. doing the deed, so to speak. There is a lot of amusement that goes on. A lot.

    I amuse the shit outta me.

    ReplyDelete
  140. The older one, Ghost. I sorta skim posts that mention you and DPH doing certain things. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  141. I amused the hell out of myself last night.

    ReplyDelete
  142. Ok, ok...wrong choice of words apparently.

    ReplyDelete
  143. If I don't want to read about something I kind of assume it's just me. I'm a prude. I know this.

    When LB doesn't want to read the same thing... Well you know what I'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
  144. I skim Ghost's posts to get to the good stuff (buttsecks), and then I skim it again... and again... and again.

    Not really. Well, not the again part.

    ReplyDelete
  145. Also, I'm still laughing about the Father's burp joke.

    ReplyDelete
  146. Joke/reality. So often the same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  147. All the best jokes involve tragedy and reality.

    Yeah...I like sperm, and I'm not so much of a prude, and when I read something and am like, "oh man," you kinda know it's bad.

    Let me put it like this, Key-baby: You're encroaching on MIA territory. And I'm not talking paper planes here, bucko.

    ReplyDelete
  148. Mister Crowley, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why a catch like you is still single. That shirt, alone, would be a major chick magnet.

    ReplyDelete
  149. Well Ghost, nothing says 'I love you' like butt sex.

    ReplyDelete
  150. I'm just passing on God's message

    ReplyDelete
  151. LB: Swagger. Sadly, I edit out a lot of things that would make you vomit uncontrollably.

    ReplyDelete
  152. Sarah: I know, right?

    FG: 'massage' is not 'message'.

    ReplyDelete
  153. Not that MIA, Key. Mia Watts.

    ReplyDelete
  154. *no one on the corner got a swagger like us...*

    ReplyDelete
  155. Gaaah.

    I totally wanted to say it.

    ReplyDelete
  156. Key: That makes it SO MUCH WORSE.

    ReplyDelete
  157. Look at rassles, just lurking there, waiting to get in that 200 comment...

    ReplyDelete
  158. Shit. I wasnt paying attention! I miss everything.

    ReplyDelete
  159. So I've gotten filthier and more vampirically homosexual?

    ReplyDelete
  160. The vampiric aspect, frankly, might add something.

    ReplyDelete
  161. Could you imagine GoK erotica?

    ReplyDelete
  162. Wow he made your husband blush? Impressive. I dont think I have ever actually blushed. Like ever.

    ReplyDelete
  163. I blush all the time. For the longest time, I couldn't even say blowjob out loud. I mean, literally, for YEARS.

    ReplyDelete
  164. My ex-husband was like that when I met him. That shit ended real quick though. I ruined him. Ha.

    ReplyDelete
  165. GoK erotica? Now you're talking a targeted and selective audience there.

    ReplyDelete
  166. I can't even tell you the shit Jason was calling me at work to say yesterday.

    I sat at my desk, blushing profusely.

    And I can't say it, because, I'll blush again.

    ReplyDelete
  167. We can't have folk blushing on the internet now can we

    ReplyDelete
  168. Shocking confession, Love Bites is actually a prude.

    ReplyDelete
  169. Not so shocking confession, Boomer is a prude.

    It's pretty obvious.

    ReplyDelete
  170. LB, really? I would never have guess that, up until this very moment.

    ReplyDelete
  171. I think it has to do with where we were raised.

    ReplyDelete
  172. As long as Tits promises to do all my illustrations, I'm on board.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.