Friday, April 17, 2009

Part One: Of Humoration

Leeuna Foster is a professional humoringulist, and though it’s possible I might have copied her byline down improperly, that’s a pretty heavy title. I mean, it’s up there with telling the batter what pitch is coming, or phoning-ahead to tell an embassy when you’re planning to blow them up – telegraphed like a bad pass, and two steps behind what no description would bring in terms of expectation. As things stand now, of course, Ms. Foster has to make me laugh.

Fortunately, she is neither snotty nor condescending, atypical of self-proclaimed humour-bloggers, and I’m assuming that this is at least partially because she is an honest-to-christ professional writer, a paid scribe in possession or her own humour column. This fact cannot be overstated, and certainly not around here, with the limping reams of violently-offensive grammatical atrociousness we receive with regularity. Her work flows, is concise and astute, the very antithesis of what we’ve all come to expect from the humour-blog genre, and my relief is a goddamned rainbow of appreciation.

This is what I like to call Grown-Up Writing: mild, inoffensive pabulum, the soft, palatable alternative to the writing that makes you jump out of your seat like both it and your ass were on fire. My pop, Dadjobber, also writes for a newspaper, and his work is very similar: Disneyfied, Nickelodeonized, with an eye to the wide-market, mass-appeal of any newspaper’s circulation. Ms. Foster isn’t, nor is she likely to become, someone who’s going to make me fall out of my chair or spit coffee on the screen; if I’m looking for Jimi Hendrix, which I am, there aren't enough tie-dyed headbands or gasoline-torched guitars in the universe to make Pat Boone into what I'm hoping for. Ms. Foster isn’t writing for me, nor, presumably, would she or should she care to. She’s writing for people who want the Big Mac and the option of salad, and I’m reading at the greasy-spoon down the street.

My Mind Wandered... (the actual name of the blog, I believe) is observational humour that stands a couple of ticks above, “what’s the deal with airline peanuts?”, and has none of the oomph, the aaag, the omigod-there’s-a-zombie-behind-me-GRAAAAAGH! that I tend to look for whilst clicking through cyberspace. Then again, I need my eyeballs sliced against the edgy writing of surprise, of the inexplicable, of head-scratching delight, so take that into account as I slide into the seamy underbelly of personal preference.

I’m going with a couple of these:



Nothing about Leeuna Foster makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable, and that’s both heroically positive and unfortunately negative, neither of which makes her blog particularly bad.

Part Two: tomorrow. Hold on to your fucking hats.

149 comments:

  1. I felt the same way. I really thought this was gonna be a big bag of suck. It's not. It's not something I will read over and over, but she can write.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I prefer my humor with a smidge more edge to it. It's very nice, though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So... a review will be posted on a Saturday? You guys spoil us.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It was well written, but I found it overly sanitary... like overhearing a conversation in a church or something.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so fucking full of myself, I'm assuming that two zombie references in one week is solidly because of me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Leeuna does remind me of a song, though, and she should take that as a compliment.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like her. Though I dont think I read even one swear. How odd.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was 3 posts in when she used the word "hubby". I loathe the word hubby. Other words I hate? Panties, blog, relish, and the name Shirley.

    That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Panties? Whats wrong with panties? What about the word moist? Like moist panties.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Have you guys ever noticed that when people talk about words they hate, "moist panties" ALWAYS comes up?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Because I was totally thinking the same thing, and I didn't want to say it. Because it bothers me.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I dont hate moist panties. Well, I dont wear panties. But I dont hate the words moist and panties.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You know what other word I hate?

    Poop.

    It makes me very uncomfortable. For some reason, I feel like "shit" is just so much classier.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Poop? Are you kidding me? Poop makes you uncomfortable? I just read hundreds of comments with mention of ass fucking, skull fucking, people peeing on other people, boobs, sperm etc...and POOP makes you uncomfortable?

    ReplyDelete
  15. I find the word panties kind of infantilizing. I have nothing against panties themselves, though. And moist panties would mean my day's going quite well, really.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hate the word poop. Moist panties don't bother me in the slightest.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I should hope not Ghost.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I enjoy the word poop. Dealing with the poop of short people, for whom I am responsible? Not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yea, poop doesnt bother me.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dry panties are offensive to me.

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's not the thought of shit and moist underwear that freaks me out, it's the sound of the words.

    Poop.

    Panties.

    Shiver. Does anyone actually say those words? I'm like, freaking out right now.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yes Rass, I say poop. I'm sorry. I do. Dont hate me.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I can't hate, all I can do is cower in fear and shame.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Real life Rassles Kryptonite? Yeah. Those two words.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No, stop that! I'm the cowering submissive today! You're the boss remember.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Not in this comment thread.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Really, I think the only word that bothers me is the "c" word.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Yea, the middle one.

    Nothing wrong with the other two.

    ReplyDelete
  29. A coward catching chlamydia from performing cunnilingus on a cow's cunt?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Really Ghost, did you have to drag the cow down with this conversation?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wait, can you even get chlamydia doing that? Can a cow carry chlamydia? I need to do more research before I start leaving comments like that last one.

    ReplyDelete
  32. what about moist poop panties? Even worse if your hubby is wearing them.

    ReplyDelete
  33. From the story I've been told recently, yes, that cow was a filthy whore.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Poopface just sounds moronic.

    ReplyDelete
  35. That poor cow was just misunderstood.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Moist poop panties are wrong. Plain and simple.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Unless you're into that. Then I guess its ok.

    ReplyDelete
  38. And we're back to the shitting sluts.

    ReplyDelete
  39. moist poop panties are within the realm of my expectations for a post on ghost's blog.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I might not be able to read that post if it ever comes.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Cmon, go check it out. Poop soup.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I dont wanna check it out and you cant make me. You're not the boss of me y'know!

    ReplyDelete
  43. I thought you were the submissive today.

    ReplyDelete
  44. GoK, I checked. It doesn't work. WHERE ARE THE SHITTING SLUTS?

    ReplyDelete
  45. OTOH : http://www.shittingslut.com/

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh good grief. Just put a link up so he can just click it.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Than, that should have worked. Look, just google 'scat' and click on any of the links.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hmm, old trolling habits. It was geek interest really. The domain name I posted is legit and gets traffic (http://www.robtex.com/dns/shittingslut.com.html). Yours has no domain info. As far as content, whoo, not now.

    ReplyDelete
  49. What content did you expect from SHITTING SLUTS?

    ReplyDelete
  50. Fuzzy bunnies and tulips?

    Wait...nevermind

    ReplyDelete
  51. I hated the word poop before I became a mother. And now I HAVE to say it and it sucks. You know what else sucks? Having to clean it on a daily basis. Cunt, moist, panties. Those words just don't bother me. But I get what Rassles is saying about the sounds of words being the irritant and not their meaning.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Why am I feeling anesthetized?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Sarah, it's the internet. There's always something worse than {whatever}.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Yeah, I tweeted a link a few weeks back and forgot it.

    Cal, as long as you're not feeling aroused I think we're good.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Wow. An hour ago, 7 comments. Now? 64. And all of them about moist poop panties.

    I think it's clear that we have now hit rock bottom. And also, that Leeuna is NEVER going to be able to link to this review on her family type blog.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Oh no.

    I'm sorry Leeuna.

    ReplyDelete
  57. At least I didn't link to CakeFarts. Now that, is fucking extremely offensive.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Hurray for small favors.

    ReplyDelete
  59. She could copy/paste and leave out the comments. My bad Leeuna.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Way to count your blessings, Sarah.

    ReplyDelete
  61. This is the type of stuff that got me excommunicated from Laurieland I think.

    ReplyDelete
  62. When Part two comes up, we'll discuss puppies, traffic and weather.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I'm sorta shocked this didn't get a response from Fr. Gene.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I thought baptists were the ones with the bad gag reflex.

    ReplyDelete
  65. heh. I have almost no gag reflex. I can fit my fist in my mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I think we just upgraded your Visitor Pass.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Makes for a fun party/stupid human trick.

    ReplyDelete
  68. I'm sure it does, Sarah, I'm sure it does.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Y'know everyone thinks its such a cool thing, but really its a little disturbing to watch. Not at all as attractive as one might think.

    ReplyDelete
  70. I think you're just hanging out with the wrong crowd.

    ReplyDelete
  71. And I always forget to take my rings off. That sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  72. seriously? What the fuck is the matter with you people?

    I'm going with panties and soup.

    I hate the word soup.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Gene, hows your sperm count?

    ReplyDelete
  74. Ps. I love soup. I wanna open a restaurant that serves only soup.

    ReplyDelete
  75. I'm guessing most of it isn't his.

    ReplyDelete
  76. The soup or the sperm?

    ReplyDelete
  77. The sperm. He probably could suggest a good donor if you don't mind waiting a few years.

    ReplyDelete
  78. years? Um, no. 2 is enough thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  79. How's my sperm count?

    ...with a fucking calculator

    ReplyDelete
  80. Have you even fed your kids today woman?

    Mommy Blogger Extraordinaire.

    ReplyDelete
  81. I have one darling, and yes he has eaten. We have played Frisbee, baseball, dug in the garden, tossed around the football and built a fort in the living room.

    And please, if you're going to TRY and ride my ass, would you at least pull my hair?

    ReplyDelete
  82. Is this a puppy or a kid you are talking about?

    ReplyDelete
  83. Listen Friar Tuck, I'm not going to do battle with you. Do you want to know why?

    Because fighting on the internet is like competing in the special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard.

    ReplyDelete
  84. who's fighting?

    Oprah any good today?

    ReplyDelete
  85. Y'know I just couldnt find time to watch her today. I was really hoping you would have a play by play for me.

    ReplyDelete
  86. I know, don't worry, it's hard to juggle surfing and daytime TV.

    ReplyDelete
  87. What exactly was it about GoK's juggling comment that was so polarizing, it brought the comments to a standstill?


    I guess we'll never know...

    ReplyDelete
  88. PTD: I don't know what happened there. I made no mention of scat, preteen semen, or Zombie Christ. Odd.

    ReplyDelete
  89. If 1221 comments in a week isn't a record for us, then I just fucked a preteen in their scathole.

    ReplyDelete
  90. So what, exactly, are you saying here NJ?

    ReplyDelete
  91. Well, my friend, let's hope it is a record. I'm off to research your claim.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Uh oh.

    I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear, but I've set up my kid-trap in the backyard just to be safe - it's full of peanut-butter, candy necklaces and Miley Cyrus.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Good thinking, NJ. But you could have just asked Gene for one of his.

    ReplyDelete
  94. He's so far away, Ghost - think of the postage.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I had to go to work. Thats what brought MY comments to a halt.

    ReplyDelete
  96. *lurking*

    I find that cotton candy, puppies, edible panties and the kid from twilight makes for a good trap. I guess it all depends on the type of preteen you want to attract.

    *lurking*

    ReplyDelete
  97. The kid from twilight looks like he was whacked in the face with a shovel.

    ReplyDelete
  98. I concur. But a lot of the prostitots seem to adore him. Maybe they are all blind. Who knows.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Um, foxglove is my new piece of Canadian ass to chase. Yep. Ever been to Vegas?

    ReplyDelete
  100. Nope never been. You guys have different laws over there. That's why I like Canada. You only have to be 19 to do naughty things here...unless you go to Quebec, they have lower standards. You Americans though, I've only been of age for a year. Not much time to save up for a road trip, don't you think?

    ReplyDelete
  101. If I had wings I would fly away to my own island where I would have naked man servants bringing me tequila everyday...yup, I think that would suffice.

    ReplyDelete
  102. If I had wings, everyone would be fucked.

    ReplyDelete
  103. Like actual fucking? Or would you fly around with a pull-start diesel fueled vibrator and ass rape everyone?

    ReplyDelete
  104. Surprise sex with a stranger?

    ReplyDelete
  105. That's a nice way of putting it, Sarah.

    ReplyDelete
  106. This is true. I bet if they saw you flying towards them they would just bend over and take it like a man...or woman. Make sure you find some tight asses though, you don't want the hotdog down the hallway effect.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Foxglove: That's pretty much how I imagine it would go. We're talking about one big motherfucking hallway, though.

    Sarah, you are rather hilarious. Sperm?

    ReplyDelete
  108. Thanks. I work out.

    I lied. I so do not work out.

    Sperm? I do love the stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  109. I suppose if you did find a really loose ass, you could just crawl on up there and take a nap. It would be like a nice warm and moist blanket, bringing back fond childhood memories of being pushed through a vagina. I think it would be similar to that.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Nutjobber, 2002 was a fantastic year!

    ReplyDelete
  111. Tell me about it - all of my most heinous stories come from that summer. Crowd pleasers, every last one of 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Exactly! Good times gooooood times.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Blah. Seeing the word Hammertown reminds me of my birthplace. Nasty ass steel city, the hammer, the shit of all existence. I have a theory about Hamilton, they are manufacturing zombies in the basement of Stelco.

    ReplyDelete
  114. Hey - does your birthday fall in the summer? 'Cause that factored into my 2002 quite substantially.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Nope, mines in February. My summer was in celebration of the start of my divorce.

    ReplyDelete
  116. That was for you, Ms. Glove - I'm writing this from the armpit of existence, your Hammertown.

    Also, a certain Ms. Booms, I think, will love your theory about zombies and their relative proximity to a certain Nutjobber.

    In short, you're all welcome.

    Sarah: Ah - a little vengeance mixed with a heaping helping of freedom = great summer.

    ReplyDelete
  117. absolutely. I enjoyed myself immensely.

    ReplyDelete
  118. Oh eww, you're writing from Hamilton. Oh my dear how I feel your pain. I lived there for 18 years and got the fuck out when I was accepted into college. I only go home once a year and that is for xmas. In my eyes that is once too many.

    Be careful of the zombies. They think I don't know about them. But I see what goes on in that city, even from afar. When the zombies are let loose, I will be safe here in the capital with my flame thrower and assortment of big daggers.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Eew? That's hilarious. Still shaking out the cooties, are you?

    ReplyDelete
  120. Shaking out the cooties? More like scratching off the grime. When you can practically blow smoke rings in the air by just breathing, there is a problem with the city. I would be more likely to scrape away my corneas than to live in Hamilton for more than my xmas holidays. Every time I go by Delta Secondary I wonder how I ever made it through that school. I'm not bitter, really, I swear it, rofl.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Hey, thanks for the great review of my blog. I have been working on developing a really tough skin since the day I submitted it for review. I figured you would tear it apart and use lots of not-so-flattering adjectives to describe it. I was totally shocked that I got 2 stars.
    A good review from this blog means a great deal. Yeah, I'm proud of it.
    Thanks again for the review.

    ReplyDelete
  122. You must be good, Leeuna. Normally, we are hell on professional writers.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.