Saturday, April 18, 2009

Part Two: Of Fucktardation

Today's review site "is an adult humour website featuring satirical news posts and sarcastic opinion. Many of my online posts are works of fiction and any use of real names is accidental and purely coincidental. All content is intended for readers over the age of 18. If you’re too young to buy drugs, you’re not supposed to be here."

You don’t need to read, “He then proceeds to attach the Konami Laser Scope to his head before thrusting his clenched fist in the air, hissing ‘Hell yeah!’, through mayonnaise-stained braces” to know that these guys can piece a sentence together. No, despite the myriad speedbumps of deplorable futility, these three dipshits can actually roll.

To be sure, imagining that apocryphal, mulleted image of Wolfman popping and locking with an epileptic at an old-age home is a hoot, perhaps even a holler, but Fugly Bitches, a section devoted entirely to castigating women from online dating services, is like tripping children with a stick: too easy, and unnecessarily malicious.

This is the middle-ground of offensiveness, with the sarcastic use of internet slang, the constant references to drugs, retards, and cum, it’s all, dare I say, kid’s stuff; it’s easy, simplistic, and takes no real effort. You boys want to destroy something? Then fucking destroy it – don’t dick around with itty-bitty posts that peter-out because you’re bored.

It’s like my grandma used to say: if you want to poke someone with a stick, jam that sonofabitch into their eye-socket, and use both hands. This is a woman who used to make egg-salad with one part egg, two parts butter, who stood as a paragon of at least culinary offensiveness, and her apparition hangs like a burning American flag of provocation over you three blokes and your Greenland-pwning. Still, as both a solid contrast to Ms. Foster and as an improvement-project, you guys could do worse.

Get your act together, fellas, and I promise more flaming fingers to come.

Note from Love Bites:
The links to this reviewee have been removed due to the conduct of these fuckwits on this blog and other related commenter blogs. Fuck y'all.