Monday, April 28, 2008

Fear and Loathing in Alaska

Three times in a row, now.

Three fucking times in a row that I like the blog I’m reviewing, and the torrent of love that’s spewing from my fingers is making me ornery. I’m so full of piss & bile right now that I wanted nothing more than to wake up and tear somebody to shreds.

Damn you, Irrelevant Cheetah!

Don’t get me wrong - you all might not like it; Mr. Cheetah is a big-brained, would-be writer who could use a blog-design revamp, but unlike a slew of people who’ve submitted here recently, he’s an intellectual without the arrogance, an aspiring-writer without the presumption of undiscovered-brilliance, and his blog needs but a few tweaks, of which I will bestow in order of importance:

1. There’s a fine line between "classy" and "dull", and this dude is knee-deep in the latter; if you title your blog "Irrelevant Cheetah" and your header is a bunch of nondescript rocks, you must expect new visitors to be as perplexed as I. Hold on! I’m not saying you need some "wacky" picture of a cheetah in, like, an unemployment line in your header, but a visual that indicates something in connection to the title would be a better fit, no?

2. Oomph, my brother, oomph! Some chutzpah, pizzazz, some electricality, to coin a term, that forces me to munch through your archives like I was a hungry cannibal in a village of children. The writing, while good, feels measured, like he’s sacrificing personality for perfect word-choice.

He’s got some good set-ups for humour, like being an atheist and having his five-year-old son tell him that God lives on a "shiny cloud", or politely refusing phone-access to his meth-whore neighbour, and he needs more of that: not the situations themselves, but more stories in general. The brainiac-stuff is good, but needs to feel a little more self-assured, more told than related, you dig?

Ah, seventies-style jive-talkin’: where would I be without you?

Cheetah: Let it go, brother, and don’t try to be perfect - I was doing that exact same thing, sir, before Love Bites punched me in the mouth lo those many moons ago, and now I’m a lot more entertaining a blogger than I was.

So, here’s your punch in the mouth...though you’re going to have a hard time convincing others that three-stars from us is any kind of violent act.


  1. Well, that is, of course, people who expect three stars AND a blowjob.

  2. By the way, I thought I DID give you a literal blowjob of a blog review, versus a mouth-punch.

  3. NJ: good call. There's alot of funny at the Cheetah, but it's too dressed up. His posts are wearing three piece suits to Sears.

  4. Hey, my review was rad - how would we have bantered so sexually after the fact if I was upset? I wrote "mouth-punch" as a variant to a "kick in the pants", like a "smarten up, here's how" thing.

    Also, kind of hard to relate mine to his with even a metaphorical "blow-job", y'know?

    Wouldn't that be hilarious, though: us reviewers complaining about OUR reviews?

    Omigod; I gotta tell Boots about this...

  5. For the record, when my personal blog was reviewed here, lo these many moons ago, I got a "fucking love you."

  6. I seriously cried with gratitude because it had been that kind of shitty week.

  7. I haven't seen that review - I must pull a "Maggie" and search it out.

    I hope Ms. Dammit takes no offence to becoming a verb: "I'm going to Maggie-it - I'll find it in no time!"

  8. Thanks for the review! Just two responses/excuses, I think:
    You’re right about the header. Unfortunately, the web-hosting company I’m using only allows a few “default” themes to use on their Wordpress installation, so all I can do is occasionally rotate among their available images. I’m preparing for a move to a different host so I can tweak my images/themes/etc. to my heart’s content. And maybe add some widgets, even though I know how much you guys hate widgets.
    Interesting that my writing comes off as too polished. I hadn’t even considered that possibility. I guess I blog like I write, and that means a lot of editing and looking for that perfect word choice.
    So: more personality, more electricity. Check. Thanks, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  9. Wolf, you are very welcome!

    Ms. Dammit would probably like nothing better than to be a verb. You should twitter it and give her a real thrill.

  10. Cheetah, it's not widgets, rather the love of widgets that is the root of all evil.

  11. Or, widget love, that leads to widget breeding, that leads to blog-fuckage.

  12. I am DESPERATELY trying to be clever right now, but I'm still incredibly hung-over from being in Detroit on the weekend.


    So, apologies all around if my comments get stuppidre as welgosfdakjsdfojxvcb

  13. Actually, thanks to Calamity, I am still shaky and hungover from this weekend, as well. Incredibly enough, after being hungover on both Saturday and Sunday, I'm finding myself pretty productive today.

    I think this means I should drink heavily more often.

  14. First of all, Saturday night I dreamed about the people on this fucking site! That doesn't have "twisted addiction" written all over it.

    Second, I LOVE today's blog. I love this guy. I may fantasize about him later.

    But that template... it's too bad you can't fix that. That template sucks ass. The blog is awesome. It deserves and great template that compliments it.

  15. I, personally, am NOT productive today - I feel like someone fuck-started my brain with an aluminum baseball-bat, and I haven't had a drink since SATURDAY.

    Also, gotta mention the killer "three piece suits" comment from Key - I missed it the first time around, so chalk my appreciation of it up to my thoroughness in checking past comments.

    Yes, I managed to turn a compliment for Keywork into a compliment for myself - how did I get to be so fucking rad?

  16. Nicely reviewed, Jubblies. I like this guy. I hate his design, but I like his writing.

    Psh. I only got three stars when I was reviewed. Y'all are all bastards. Where's my "fucking love you," hmm??

  17. I'll take what I can get. Most times. Thx, NJ. Also, you're going on my list of 'Canadians That I Can Appreciate'. It's a very short list, mind you.

  18. I got me some three stars, too, but the quantity of stars paled in comparison to the invite I got to visit Bites for some down south lovin'...

    Still gotta book that trip.

  19. Key: There's like, what, me and Avril Lavigne?

    For Canucks talking to 'mericans, we used to reference John Candy in that way, but since the Candyman went to the big SCTV in the sky, it's not nearly as fun...

  20. I should clarify: Canadian males. So far it's just you and Soylent Ape over at Ration Reality. He was born and corrupted in Toronto I think.

  21. hah! Jobber, it's been forever since I perused through our archives. I forgot I made you that offer.

    btw, it still stands. do you think your gf would loan you to me?

  22. Nutjobber, in the awake thoughts of you you've been great. But the dream was about Love Bites and Calamity. At least I think it's Calamity. The dream was centered around a personal blog post.

    So Nutjobber and Calamity both got three stars when they were reviewed here and you guys still have people crying and freaking out when they get the same rating?

    I'm going to make fun of them even more now.

  23. Actually, reading through our archives, I think we used to be MEANER. That's the really funny thing, for me, at least.

  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

  25. Whoops.

    Bites: I think she'd just shrug her shoulders and ask if I was going to visit that woman who reviewed me...rowr.

    Key: I think you & I should start the Ask/Receive Mutual Admiration Society...I'm going to go search for a crest.

    Don't worry - no final diecisions without a consult, I promise.

    (If that looked asshole-y, which it does to me, please know that it wasn't meant as such; my compliments seem snide to me, so if they're not coming across that way, no harm, no foul.)

    (Wow - justify my love of justification.)

  26. Are you saying his header should be more relevant to the blog's name?

    What could be more relevant to Irrelevant Cheetah than some random picture of rocks?

  27. Well, it is the IRRELEVANT cheetah, so maybe rocks are apropros.

  28. NJ: Agreed, so it shall be. Find that crest. No harm, no foul, I'm pretty sure the only thing left that could possibly offend me would be the 'Rapture' that all those christians are always talking about. I hate being wrong.

  29. "Ironic Cheetah"? Yeah, I could handle rocks then.

    Hell, I'm handling rocks now, if you, ahem, know what I mean.

    Key: Motherfucking christians.

    They're like a tree-branch in the bicycle-wheel of life.

    By the by, I KNOW I'm hanging out with the right people when haven't heard a single complaint about my vileness...god, I love you guys.

  30. Please, you are so NOT vile. You are practically perfect in every way.

    God, can I just say, right now, that I hope we have someone who cries like a spoiled baby this week? The mutual adoration society always needs a little spice.

  31. If anything, they are more like an imaginary toothpick to the rear wheel of a Harley. That's the reality. Now, their reality would have you believe that they are much more significant, but I don't trust anyone that substitutes grape juice for real blood.

  32. Can I go and kick someone in the shins?

    Will that help, you figure?

    Well, either way, I'm sure SOMEONE out there needs a good shin-kicking.

  33. Maybe, Key, they're like a leash on a rocketship?

    Also, you need to realize that I feel like a toolbox for overvaluing christians' worth with my analogy; goddamn you, Keywork, you've bested me again!

    [shaking fist]

  34. Seriously. Hardcore Jesus would never settle for grape juice.

  35. For: eels. Yeah, Hardcore Jesus would bitchslap some Himians for being so rediculous. Then he would be all, like, 'Now I'm gonna drink your blood. How do you like them apples, bitches?' Or something like that. I don't think I ever really let go of my year in third grade.

    NJ: yep.

  36. Hardcore Jesus would tell Emo Jesus to 'eat a dick'.

  37. *yawn... grumble*

    I just woke up. Looks like we like the dude... again. Nutjobber is losing my respect by the pound.

    If you need me to troll for kicks, just light up the bat signal.

    Otherwise, I'm going back to bed.

    ~ Driz

  38. Ahhhh, Jobber, now that twitter makes sense! And here I thought you were just daydreaming about me for no reason again.

    Bites is right, I'm all for being a verb. Get that shit in the Urban Dictionary and I will forever be enshrined in the annals of blogging history.

    huh huh. huh huh. huh huh. I said annals!

  39. I know, I know: all these good blogs are making me look bad.

    Like american beer and the cigarette smoke punching my lungs, it's LITERALLY killing me, these good blogs.

    I'd offer Driz entrance to the Mutual Admiration Society, but he's so goth he punched a care bear.

    ...Now THAT, friends, is such an inside reference that nobody save Bites'll get it; even I don't understand it.

  40. I've got a couple of blogs in mind to nominate for the "anals" of blog history...

  41. Care Bears need a good punching. Especially that damn Cheer Bear. Perky little bitch.

  42. I'd offer Driz entrance to the Mutual Admiration Society, but he's so goth he punched a care bear.

    Psht. He's no goth. He's emo all the way.

  43. Wow, lots of comments. Seems like some of you are gunnin for comment of the week. As for me, I hated the template, it made me want to get out crayons and color on it.

    I am not much into male bloggers, but he's ok.

    Maybe what you guys need to do is go stumble on some butt ugly blogs, then anonymously suggest that they get reviewed on this site and then you can all rip into them. I miss the old days of smelling blood...

  44. Hey, I'll give him credit: it's hard to type when you've got the back of one hand permanently affixed to your forehead, spitting out "Oh, woe!" like a tourette's-sufferer with a speech-impediment.

    This is kinda like poking a stick into a cage, isn't it: "Hello, Driz? You there?"

  45. I know, Jan, right? We are so much nicer these days, and people still whine.

    LOL @ image of poking driz like a bear in a cage.

  46. I took one look at the front page, and decided to come back here for Driz's comment to brighten up my day instead.

    ...and he fucking bottled it.

    It is such a Monday.

  47. You fuckers make me laugh.

    Can I get some sort of 'graven image' of the week nomination? Emo bear trapped in a cage, being poked with a stick?

    On one hand I resent the emo label, but the other hand... is busy under the desk. Eww.

    ~ Driz

  48. but the other hand... is busy under the desk...

    Carving off swathes of skin with the razor kit I borrowed from Maggie Gyllenhall.

  49. The image is even funnier when you read Driz' first comment today: the Emo-Bear waking up in his cage, yawning, and then going directly back to sleep.



Grow a pair.