Fear and Loathing in Alaska

Three times in a row, now.

Three fucking times in a row that I like the blog I’m reviewing, and the torrent of love that’s spewing from my fingers is making me ornery. I’m so full of piss & bile right now that I wanted nothing more than to wake up and tear somebody to shreds.

Damn you, Irrelevant Cheetah!

Don’t get me wrong - you all might not like it; Mr. Cheetah is a big-brained, would-be writer who could use a blog-design revamp, but unlike a slew of people who’ve submitted here recently, he’s an intellectual without the arrogance, an aspiring-writer without the presumption of undiscovered-brilliance, and his blog needs but a few tweaks, of which I will bestow in order of importance:

1. There’s a fine line between "classy" and "dull", and this dude is knee-deep in the latter; if you title your blog "Irrelevant Cheetah" and your header is a bunch of nondescript rocks, you must expect new visitors to be as perplexed as I. Hold on! I’m not saying you need some "wacky" picture of a cheetah in, like, an unemployment line in your header, but a visual that indicates something in connection to the title would be a better fit, no?

2. Oomph, my brother, oomph! Some chutzpah, pizzazz, some electricality, to coin a term, that forces me to munch through your archives like I was a hungry cannibal in a village of children. The writing, while good, feels measured, like he’s sacrificing personality for perfect word-choice.

He’s got some good set-ups for humour, like being an atheist and having his five-year-old son tell him that God lives on a "shiny cloud", or politely refusing phone-access to his meth-whore neighbour, and he needs more of that: not the situations themselves, but more stories in general. The brainiac-stuff is good, but needs to feel a little more self-assured, more told than related, you dig?

Ah, seventies-style jive-talkin’: where would I be without you?

Cheetah: Let it go, brother, and don’t try to be perfect - I was doing that exact same thing, sir, before Love Bites punched me in the mouth lo those many moons ago, and now I’m a lot more entertaining a blogger than I was.

So, here’s your punch in the mouth...though you’re going to have a hard time convincing others that three-stars from us is any kind of violent act.