Monday, May 12, 2008

Gragh!


There’s been far too much reality invading your not-so-humble reviewer’s life as of late, readers, including, but not limited to, a monstrous, king-hell virus that laid my computer up but good. Like a lasso-less cowboy tryin’ to rustle up some cattle, I’ve had work to do but not the tools to do so...and, on top of that, I’m a lazy, lazy man.

As such, I Do Things So You Don’t Have To seems, theoretically, like it’d be directly up my alley.

Eh.

I’ll tell you what: it’s actually pretty clever, I Do Things is, oftentimes escalating into the really well done. I Scattered My Dad’s Ashes So You Don’t Have To, I Have Scoliosis So You Don’t Have To, and an almost obsessive exhibitionist-streak that manifests in her many posts about nude beaches, are not what I was expecting after reading such things as Pimp My Dessert or whatever the fuck other fluffy bits of fluffity-fluff-fluff that fluttered fluffily over my head as I tried to read them.

JD’s having herself some fun, and her writing is accessible if not, for lack of a better word, vanilla. As in life, it all comes down to taste: some people like Dave Barry, some like the idea of Dave Barry suffocating on his own tongue. To me, he’s a goober, and JD’s in possession of an equally goobersome style of writing. It’s not bad, at all, and I’m sure there are many who will enjoy it thoroughly, but it’s not my thing.

So, writing? Solid. Template?

Jesus fucking Christ.

The header looks like a jellyfish-attack during an acid-flashback, or how an apocalyptic merry-go-round would look with the liquor-spins - I feel nauseous, gagging back morning coffee and reminding myself that the nightmare I had last night about the woman who screamingly pulled her own psychotic eyes out of her head with her fingers was just a dream, even though the images just came back vividly from staring at this godawful header.

It is, absolutely, the worst, most incongruous header for a blog imaginable, and even excepting the disgusting abomination at the top, mixing bright-blue and swamp-green throughout makes for an appetite-alienating experience. Perhaps that was the plan, to distract the eye from the atrocious colour-combination by assaulting the senses with that header?

Whatever the rationale, I’ve seen raccoon road-kill with a better sense of decorum.

In short, keep the writing, change the template...like, immediately. Post-haste. NOW.

I might’ve been three- or even four-star swayed had I been in the right mood, and had the template not jolted me into remembering my own horrific nightmares, but almost entirely based on the travesty that is this template, here is your rating:



I want to hunt down, torture, and eat that header; unless you’re comfortable prompting bloodlust, JD, please destroy that template.

For the greater good.

41 comments:

  1. I feel like a fraud because I almost totally agree.

    It's ugly looking. Very, and I include the inconsistent coloured text and font changes in posts etc.

    BUT... it's quite fun, with an acquired taste of humour.

    With a fucking U.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the review. You're dead-on about the header--thanks for providing the impetus for me to finally change it.

    I'll write a post addressing the rest of it--not that you care, but if you do...

    Anyway, thanks again. Sorry I ruined your morning coffee. That's a heinous offense in my world.

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  3. Nutjobber, welcome back! Good grief don't do that again.

    You know, when I clicked over to check out this blog, I didn't even notice the header. I must have already been high.

    I liked some of the posts. I actually really liked her style and humor in them. But I'm not sure I like anyone enough to wade through the fluffy posts. They seriously got on my nerves.

    Come to think of it, maybe I wasn't high enough.

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  4. Sorry 'bout that - being incommunicado sucks for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the bevy of flowers I'm'a have to send to Calamity for holding the fort down...

    Friends?

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  5. If I get you really drunk, can we be friends with benefits?

    I'm beginning to believe you guys are much nicer in your reviews than I originally thought. Some days it's almost disappointing!

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  6. I would say that, generically speaking, we're much nicer than anyone would ever want to think.

    I want to see a new post from JD: "I get reamed on Ask so you don't have to."

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  7. I'm a spectacular under-performer when drunk, all giggles and, well, more giggles.

    As for being nice, Angel, fuck you!

    [Did anyone buy that? That I'm a mean motherfucker? 'Cause I am. Totally.]

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  8. I can promise that I'm as useful as a magnet on a tree when drunk, if that's what you mean.

    That IS what you mean, Angel, isn't it?

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  9. Most men are about that useless when they're drunk, Nutjobber.

    I meant the "fuck you" comment. I didn't see it as you being mean. I chose to see it as a positive exclaimation. But then, I've been known to do that where men are concerned. My fantasy life makes it difficult to live in the real world at times.

    Oh, and by the way, xbox, I'm going to start spelling my words like you do... "with a fucking U".

    I like the way he insisted that. It was hot.

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  10. Fantasy-wise, I hear you, my dear; many of the conversations I've had that went nowhere were that way because, as it turned out, I wasn't actually talking to anybody...

    Also, Xbox? Fucking hot, that guy.

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  11. Not only hot but you are pretty much guaranteed not to get knocked up if you succumb to my charms.

    ...you know, I sensed I shouldn't have commented for fear of dehotifing myself.

    I was right.

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  12. To be honest, I hope I'm not getting knocked up either way - something terribly, terribly wrong with that picture.

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  13. bah...here in Europe we are SO more open minded...

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  14. I'm really, really happy with the thought of NOT getting knocked up. I had my tubes tied years ago in hopes of preventing that very condition.

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  15. Well xbox, as I stated on your blog, I can't conceive so I think most of my fantasies regarding you are where I get to blame you for that instead of myself. But if it helps you any, you're a really good fuck in said fantasies.

    Nutjobber, personally I love my conversations with no one. At least that way I'm always right!

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  16. p.s. Get rid of that fugly center column, beyotch. Or, you'll be posting: "I got my ass kicked online, so you don't have to."

    I want a damn pimped up snack. Dammit.

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  17. Heh. You said, 'Dammit.'

    Heh.

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  18. Love Bites - telling someone you've had tubes tired is practically a 'come on' where I'm from.

    Angel - I really have no where to go with that one, except that I've almost choked on my dinner, which consists of jelly babies and hard boiled sweets, reading it.

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  19. Lord, my tubes get tired just thinking about children.

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  20. Xbox, anytime I can leave a man without words, that's all I need.

    That, and now I'm craving candy.

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  21. why do I get the feeling you mean tat in the 'gagged and bound' sense?

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  22. ah JD that wasn't so bad...i imagine the header could be revised, but that's not a big issue. your content is great. hey after i get my spanking, lets go for virtual drinks and get so drunk we won't even care. okay i don't get drunk, but you can get drunk for me, so i don't have to. oh wait, i'm talking like this is your blog. lol

    ReplyDelete
  23. That made me laugh. Out loud!

    No gagging, but being bound can be fun! Don't misunderstand me. I love men. They're so fun to play with, and I admit I've grown rather fond of Spencer. I'm cheering him all the way.

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  24. Spence is a lost cause, but he makes a good poster boy.

    I'm still waiting for the call from Disney.

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  25. God, how awesome would Spence's animated feature film be?

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  26. THAT'S what I said to Disney, but ooooooooh no, too much fucking sex they said...

    I'm like 'Well, duh, yeah!'

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  27. that's nearly TOO good a suggestion

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  28. Hey, Natural! (I feel like we're intruding here in the comments section about MY blog, but, oh well.) I don't get drunk either, unfortunately, so maybe we can just pop some pills? I quite like Vicodin myself. Either way, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you don't get torn apart too badly.

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  29. Well excuuuuuuuuuse me.

    Speaking of pills, the last time I saw a vision like that header, there were copious amounts of lsd involved.

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  30. Hey, hey, hey - there's no such thing as "intruding" here at Ask, ladies!

    Come, have some tea, won't you?

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  31. I feel so much better when I'm not the only apparent attention whore around.

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  32. Oh, please, Angel. The bench in the attention whore section is never empty when bloggers are about.

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  33. Wait, stop the presses -- I actually just went to the reviewed blog instead of just hanging out with you guys, and I liked it! I really liked it!

    (I kinda forgot for a minute that I originally came here to find good blogs.)

    Dude. That's trippy.

    So -- thanks, Jobber!

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  34. Yeah, I like it too. It does not suck. <----favorite phrase.

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  35. Shit, I'll take the credit for anything - you're welcome!

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  36. Looks like shit.

    Pretty good though - got a couple of laughs out of me. Which my fellow internet cafe-ers (yes, I still have no fucking home internet. No, I'm not in the third world) give me the stink eye.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.