Wednesday, June 04, 2008

The very model of a modern major clusterfuck.

Here's the thing: I'm about fed up with reviewing people that didn't ask to be reviewed. The name of this site says it all - and that's what I signed on to do. The two or three unsolicited reviews that I've done have made me feel like the kind of guy that stands around on the street corner hurling insane invective at random passers by. It makes me feel like the school yard bully who picks some poor little defenseless kid to sucker punch. This kind of thing only works when the reviewee asks for it. Hence the name.

That being said, I'm going to take one more whack at it. I want to offer Matthew S. Urdan, the author of Meltwater. Torrents. Meanderings. Delta. a disclaimer and an option. If you did not submit your site then leave now. Go with peace and have a nice life. Do not read on.
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If you're still here, Matthew, then I can only assume that you willingly asked that your site be reviewed. So, let's get into it. First things first - your site, visually, is nothing less than a clusterfuck. It is, in fact, the very definition of a clusterfuck. It is such a clusterfuck that I didn't want to even bother reading your posts. Let me make this perfectly clear: GET RID OF ALL THE FUCKING TAT. By tat I mean 97% of the shit that you have on your sidebars. If you want to make a tremendous improvement to your blog do the following: cut it down to one sidebar with an "About" paragraph, an archive and a very short blogroll. Nobody is going to translate your blog into Portugese, nobody gives a toss about your disclosure policy and if someone wants to write his or her congressman they can probably do so without relying on your blog. Get the fuck rid of the shit. Clear?

Now, once my eyes stopped spinning in their sockets, I had a good read whilst trying desperately to concentrate on your words rather than trying to figure out how your blog is worth $28,000. It's all very butch, Matthew, isn't it? Lots of Red Wings hockey and Grizzly Adams stuff. Not my thing, but nothing wrong with it either. But in amongst the testosterone there are some thoughtful gems. This political post, which I was prepared to hate based on a pigeonhole in which I had stuck you, is nicely representative of a transition that I think a lot of Americans have made over the last few years. I've also got to give you credit - some of your sports posts are excellent, if maybe not entirely objective.

You seem to have gotten sucked into one of my pet peeves - pay per posting- and by doing so have earned my contempt. I despise pay per posts. If I wanted to read ads, I would read ads. If I stumble across a blog that runs pay per posts, I'm gone and unlikely to ever return. I just find the whole thing contrary to what blogging should be about.If you want to run ads on your sidebar, fine. I have an ad or two to pay for my hosting. But you're on Blogger and thus have no costs. Here's another thing: almost nobody makes much money blogging. I really don't think you're going to get enough by pay per posting to buy your bicycle. In the meantime it just makes you look like a mercenary.

If you clean your site up a bit, it won't be as painful to look at. The writing, well, knock of the paid work and try and write about the things your passionate about - that's when your blog's at its best. I'm a bit suspicious about whether or not this was a legitimate submission, so I'm going to refrain from giving you the rating I think you deserve. I suspect the little slimy troll who's submitting people's sites gets off on the flaming finger. So let's call it a:

48 comments:

  1. WOW! I don't know who you are, nor did I ask for your vitriol, but you are one disturbed individual. I can't imagine how someone gets through their day insulting other people and tearing them down.

    Please, don't ever come back to my site nor read another word.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The problem with this situation is that now everyone who gets a bad review will claim they didn't submit, even more than before.

    Why did you keep reading if you didn't submit?! He told you to stop and even had an excellent disclaimer! So you knew before you finished the first paragraph of this review that if you didn't submit your site, someone must have without your knowledge. It made you aware that no one on this site goes looking for blogs to review.

    Besides, I know he was actually being nice and holding back.

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  3. That's it, I'm done. The troll wins.

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  4. Oh, and thanks Angel, you recognized the restraint did you?

    ;)

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  5. Professor Booty, no way you let the troll win! We enjoy your reviews way too much.

    Out of all the people who claim to not have submitted their blogs since I started reading this site, I only believe a couple of them. These blogs were all submitted weeks ago, right? Maybe it was one bored troll that week, and now it's over.

    I think most of the time it's people who expected to just blow your mind with their awesome writing abilities and ended up with a bruised ego.

    This particular troll roaming around right now will be found out or will eventually get tired of the game. I wish Maggie could find it so you guys could review its site!

    And I FELT the restraint from here!

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  6. On the subject of trolls...one of AAYSR's reviewees once put this post up on the subject of trolls which is quite amusing....

    Go Prof.

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  7. Well the blog deserved the flaming finger. But then again, so does the idiot submitting blogs for other people.

    Perhaps you need to add an email confirmation before adding someone to the review list? I assume that you have an email address for each blog that is submitted? Then the troll would have to set up a ton of individual email addresses to be able to continue his cute little tricks.

    And then only review the ones that actually reply back to you.

    After all, it's not like your queue doesn't have plenty of other guinea pigs waiting in line to be beheaded.

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  8. Just from going back and reading all the past posts on this site it isn't hard to see the reviewers here lead very busy lives outside the internet. I know adding another task like adding an email confirmation may end up being another burden they don't want.

    However, I sincerely hope that if they feel something is needed they find a way to do it. Hell, if there was a way for me to help, I would!

    You think it's just a place to come to watch people be torn apart, but I've found a ton of really great blogs by hanging out here, and I'd miss that. I'd have to go back to weeding through all the stupid ones myself.

    I especially love going back to the bloggers who have taken their advice and improved upon their sites.

    Just like they told me when I first started reading here, it really is all in good fun. You have to be able to appreciate a different kind of sarcasm and wit to enjoy this place. If you don't, I can't understand why you'd keep coming back.

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  9. Yep, I'm done with this phantom submitter, too.

    Either we find a way to do an auto email verification (checking into it), or all reviewers should now contact the reviewee personally via email to verify they actually submitted before posting the review.

    Let it be done.

    Also? Phantom? Eat shit and die.

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  10. I wonder who you all pissed off like this back during the time when these blogs were submitted. I REALLY want to read that review. It must have been AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Give me 20 minutes with your Sitemeter account. I will work my magic.

    I allocate a certain number of hours for charity work each year. I think this qualifies.

    In all seriousness, I know you guys are super busy, but maybe each reviewer should contact the person and wait for a response. It sucks, but it would save all this drama and, more importantly, your time.

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  12. These are the times when I hate the fact I'm an idiot.

    Is there a way to work a confirmation into the submit page part? As in, they submit to be reviewed, receive an automated email that they have to confirm?

    If something like that could be done the reviewers wouldn't have to go through waiting for responses, etc. If they don't respond, they're not put on the list.

    Obviously I have no clue what I'm talking about. Just trying to come up with ideas so that I don't feel like a total slug for hanging out here constantly and contributing nothing.

    By the way Maggie, are you stalker for hire? And if you find someone, will you torture them for extra payment? Not that I have anyone in mind... just for future reference.

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  13. I'm looking into doing email verification with submission. We'll see what I can find. Until then, emailing the submitters for verification before posting the review will have to do.

    For me, it's far better to review people who want to be reviewed and have to wait a little bit for response than feeling like a bully and going against that whole ask/receive thing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm sorry, but the reviewee's response was hilarious.

    Y'know what? Fuck it. I'm going to do my reviews like I'm watching people walk down the street: if someone's dressed in a gorilla suit, I'm certainly going to say something.

    Yes, it sucks because they didn't ask for it, but it's just a fucking blog-review, for chrissake; these are "published" blogs, aren't they?

    I don't mind looking like an asshole, and if an unsubmitted-reviewee takes offence, they should direct their anger towards the troll, not us. Or, maybe us AND the troll - I'm willing to accept a modicum of blame for tearing somebody apart.

    If you get reviewed and you disagree, well, take it for what it's worth.

    I just looked this over, and I have a feeling that I'm being contrary just for the sake of it, but still...ah, fine, I'll email my next victim.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I did find out that we can add an email verification fairly easy to our submission form. Sweet. Once Love Bites checks in from wherever the hell she's hiding, I'm sure she can add it easily.

    Nuts, you're not wrong. But still. Better that they ask for it.

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  16. Calamity, I imagine it's really getting on all the reviewers' nerves at this point.

    Nutjobber, I don't know the first thing about you, but somehow I knew you'd feel that way... even if you did water it down quite a bit by the end.

    Again, I have to say it seems to me like the people who get treated the most gentle around here are the ones that take the most offense.

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  17. Love Bites is still stuck in internet hell covered in work, isn't she? I'm sure this is all going to just make her day!

    ReplyDelete
  18. We cannot win, Angel. It's just lucky we can take what we dish, I suppose. And we are, of course, disturbed individuals.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ah, the "true" was for Calamity; the awful truth, Angel, is that you know several things about me, one of the most prominent being that I enjoy starting shit.

    The drama can be overwhelming, can't it?

    Dun dun duuuuuuuuun.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Maybe we could change the name of the site to "Unrequested, Vitriolic Blog-Review".

    Or, "I Know You Didn't Ask For This, But Now You've Got It, So Deal With It In Whatever Way You See Fit".

    Or, "We've Just Secretly Reviewed Your Blog Because We're Dicks".

    Or, "I Spilled A Bunch of Hate On Myself and I'd Like To Give You a Hug".

    ReplyDelete
  21. Here's my suggestion, get Ask off to Wordpress and set things up there. You can track so much more from Wordpress than you can on Blogger. Failing that, sick Dammit Maggie on it. She knows, I bet.

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  22. Or, "My Ass Itches and So Does Your Blog".

    ReplyDelete
  23. "My Ass Itches and So Does Your Blog"

    That made me spit coffee, and I am not a spitter. If I didn't love how you start shit, Nutjobber, I'd have no reason to come here.

    The same goes for what Calamity said. If you all weren't at least a tad bit disturbed, it wouldn't be interesting.

    Okay. This guy didn't ask for it, but if he'd take Booty's advice he'd have a good blog in the future.

    Know what else? I don't like the word "vitriol". I'm not sure why. I love love love words. (obviously) However, certain words, I don't particularly care for.

    I don't like the word "moist", either.

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  24. That's unfortunate, Angel.

    Heaping moist vitriol onto someone else is one of the more satisfying things I do during the course of a day...

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  25. Matthew has flown the red flag. He appears unaware that anyone has been reviewing his site, yet owns the first comment. He obviously has a stat program - and it's been telling him he's had visitors from this site for 3 or 4 days now (as mine has, because frankly, I'd forgotten that I'd submitted my blog for review - um, months ago - and yes, I realize, you're all very busy. If he didn't want a review, he could have submitted such.

    If it wouldn't possibly bias my own upcoming review, I'd offer to spend 3 minutes fixing your blog. Email verification is the answer. Automatic and user friendly. You don't need someone to do it for you, just google for the appropriate java script and install it in your template.

    ReplyDelete
  26. That is a very good point, Doc. Although, chances are he came this way because of the comment left by the Prof that he'd been reviewed.

    I have the ability to update our form, just not the access.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Well, for what it's worth, I submitted one of my blogs a couple of weeks ago for a review. I'll fess up to the submittal when it runs, no matter how the review pans out. After all, one man's treasure is another man's garbage. I'm just hoping to fall somewhere 'tween the two. ;)

    Monkey Fables and Tales was the blog submitted btw, if it really matters at this point.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hmmm... I tend to agree with your review in many ways but I read Matt's Blog in google reader and totally enjoy it there.

    I also agree with him that you a totally disturbed individuals.

    Unlike Matt, I say that with deep reverence.

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  29. Put Maggie on it. She'll get it done. I want to know who this troll is and why he is fucking with my world. I have found a plethora of kickass blogs on this site and frankly I am just to lazy to do my own legwork. The troll needs his ass whooped, and not in the fun way.

    ReplyDelete
  30. For the record, I did receive an email from the Queen asking if I had submitted my blog for review. I appreciated that. It's supposed to be up tomorrow. Which means I'll be a blubbering idiot in just a few short hours . . . ?

    I can take it.

    Brian

    ReplyDelete
  31. Throw up some button code that the submitted site must stick on their site upon submission?

    Done & fucking dusted.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Please, no buttons. For those of use who choose to be reviewed, it isn't necessarily something we want to advertise. It's a little like nominating oneself for an award, kwim? Anyway, if my review sucks, it's not like I want people to know.

    ReplyDelete
  33. First, I'd like to recant on my own review, and remind you all that I did not ask for it.

    Second, let me suggest a policy of giving 106 flaming fingers to any fan of the Detroit Red Wings, automatically. It will save time for the reviewers, and 90% of the time, it will be a 100% accurate review.

    Third, all hockey-related blogs should be joint reviewed by Nutjobber and myself. The only thing that gets me more worked up than idiots is idiots who cheer for the wrong fucking team(s).

    Go Pens. \m/

    ~ Driz

    ReplyDelete
  34. I quite like "We've Just Secretly Reviewed Your Blog Because We're Dicks".

    I'm happy to try e-mailing the victim. I just had to get all melodramatic there for my own sanity.

    Can I also say that it sucks to me way out here in the South Bumfuck timezone, cause I don't get to play along with the conversation?

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  35. That was extremely cruel of you to use those words like that, Nutjobber, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't know you were going to do just that.

    I don't know if Driz is correct in his assumption that RedWings fans' blogs will all deserve flaming fingers, but I do have to agree with the "go Pens" part.

    Booty, I can only imagine the drama that will come about once this is all fixed and someone denies submitting a blog when you all have validated proof. To be honest, I hope it happens only because I want to sit back and watch the place hold up to its url.

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  36. Tough noogies Doc.

    I'm telling everyone. :)

    Especially since you took me off yer blogroll.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I enjoy coming here and reading every one's review. It's great. And I understand where the reviewer is coming from but if the blog was submitted then it's not your fault you reviewed it.

    If there isn't any signed contract then who gives a fuck. Matthew S. Urdan needs to grow the fuck up and get off his high horse cause if he really thought his blog was worth reading then he wouldn't care.

    He's just jealous that he's not a disturbed individual like most of us and maybe if did a little insulting his blog wouldn't be so fucking boring.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Sue, Sue, Sue. You're on my google reader. That blogroll is for homeschoolers. Post a picture of your denim jumper, and your 15 passenger van, and you're in.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Doc, here's my informal review of your blog:

    It fucking rocks, please marry me even though I am a hetero woman.

    P.S. Douchebags who anonymously submit blogs should die in a fire.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hey, I lost on the blog review front, but you guys are DAMN FUNNY! I'm gonna keep reading you.

    hmmm, maybe before you review someone you should send them a confirmation or something? I don't know, but the review we got was DEAD ON. SO... shrug. I guess thats all I have to say about that.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Tsyding with tsydaddy...I too recieved an email from the folks at AAYSR asking me if I still wanted my blog reviewed...I suppose I'll just have to wait, considering the insane number of people lining up to get their bee-hinds whipped in public :P

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm from Florida. I don't get hockey. At all. It's a bit like jai-alai to me. I know it exists, but that's about it. Well, wait. I did hook up with a hockey player once, now that I'm thinking about it. Not a good experience, actually. Beer dick.

    Oh, and Sassy? Stick around and you'll see you actually kind of won on the review front. At least you didn't get a "short bus" or "flaming finger."

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  43. It really does my ego-inflated heart good to see my name mentioned so many times on this page. My stalking doesn't get nearly this many accolades anywhere else. You guys...

    *sniff*

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  44. You're the epitomy of stalkeryness, Mags. You're Queen Stalkera of the kindgom of "you ain't got no privacy, beyotch."

    I do love this blog, and our readers.

    Matthew S. Urdan = douche of all bags.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This blog is like really living in 'Cheers'.

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  46. Formerly Fun6/08/2008 1:33 PM

    Vitriol, I think that was an overstatement. Wow he is sen-si-tive. I think Matthew is a big, baby, bitch. I can't help it, I love alliterations.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Driz, choosing between the Red Wings & the Penguins is like choosing which hot nurse I want treating me for syphilis, the blonde or brunette: I don't want to be treated for syphilis.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.