Tuesday, September 16, 2008

My own worst nightmare

It's the luck of the draw around here. The often imitated but never duplicated Love Bites reaches into her bag of tricks, shoves aside the tubes of lube, lipstick, and Lifesavers, and pulls out the blogs for us to review. It's completely random.

But this time, I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster had something to do with it. Because my hapless little reviewee got me -- a pro-choice agnostic with pagan tendencies who is a queer friendly, pro-gay marriage, anti-religious establishment, foul-mouthed sex fiend feminist liberal elitist.

Angi from Sleep for Dreaming, on the other hand, is not. Way not.

Let me just get the design critique out of the way, as it's about the only part of this site that didn't make me want to spit nails. It's actually very easy on the eyes. I can dig the gray and red. It's uncluttered and well-organized. There is, however, a section for Who's Who with nothing in it and you could stand to beef up your About page with more details.

Now, for the rest of the blog: I have absolutely nothing in common with this person. Nada. She is the antithesis of me, and it was often physically painful for me to read her blog. She's religious in the "first and foremost" sense. There's a lot of God talk, which I get enough of from my mother the priest, thank you very much. She's a conservative cat person; I'm a liberal dog person. And fuck me sideways she links to Ann Coulter.

There are a glut of posts of the pointless, interesting to no one variety, like this. And this. And, holy lord, this. Otherwise, she's got issues. There are acres and acres of angsty, self-discovery posts that really should be relegated to her bedside devotional journal. She thinks that lesbians are icky, women over 50 should pack it in, and red lipstick is from the devil (ok, I made that last part up). Oh, and side note? Scaramouche is a character, not a thing. Angi doesn't like swearing, which makes me wonder (for the zillionth time since beginning this review) why she decided to submit her site to a bunch of foul-mouthed little bastards like us.

The writing is often naive, unfocused, bland, and frankly boring but at least well-punctuated and generally grammatically correct. For me, it lacked humor, style, an engaging voice, and, of course, an author I could relate to. This post about sums it up for me: "I’ve dabbled and chicken-scratched a bit since then, but haven’t really written anything of any significance." Nothing in this blog resonated with me. But that's probably my liberal elitism showing. I always forget to tuck that in like a nice girl.

Look, I try to be objective. I try to find common ground, and I look for the magic mushrooms in the piles of dung. I tried not to let my politics -- or the influx of my family's right wing propaganda in my inbox -- cloud my reviewing sensibilities. I am, after all, the "nice one." But this blog? Sigh. She's probably a nice person. I bet she helps little old ladies down the street and lets people cut in front of her in line if they have just one thing to buy. It's just, nothing on her blog makes me want to sit next to her on a long road trip while we hash out our differences or engage in philosophical debate. I pretty much just want to close the window and walk away. And that's probably ok with Angi, because I'm decidedly not her audience.

Finally, because I try to give constructive criticism even when my dander is up and I'm all kinds of huffy, some tips:

1. Angi, you imply some knowledge of hard times and difficulties and challenges surmounted but you never share that information. If it's too personal, I understand, but that was where you got me a little interested in your story. It might help readers get to know you (and not knee-jerk react to your politics, like me) if you give us more insight into who you are. Other than your politics and religious views and your love for song lyrics and photography, I feel like I don't know that much about you. Even though I cringed at your reasons, the Why I Could Never Be Friends With... posts revealed more about you than many others.

2. Lay off the "I did this, then I did this" weekend roundups. Unless something interesting happened, leave it out.

3. There are no revelations about relationships with anyone, romantic or otherwise. Who are the people in your life? Write about them.

And I'm spent.

My first inclination is to give you about eleventy-nine million of these.






But, in retrospect, that might be letting the terrorists win.

Instead you get this, because I suspect I might be a little biased:

64 comments:

  1. I've been waiting for this for hours. Really, months. Honestly, I came in my shorts when I saw that this blog was being reviewed. It's pretty bad when the 'nice one' can't put aside her differences. I couldn't either. Maybe her relationship with God fills in the void where relationships with actual beings should be. It's cool, I had an imaginary friend when I was little too. Then I grew up and realized how silly it all was.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmm. Well, I have to say, thanks for the brutal honesty! And thanks for the constructive criticism despite the lack of common ground.

    I'll have to consider the advice to write about the people in my life - unfortunately, quite a few of them read my blog, including an ex-boyfriend that I want nothing to do with (my own fault for telling ONE PERSON about it) and most of what I would have to say isn't exactly the kind of stuff I want them to read. But - that said - it's something to think about.

    Thanks again! (Oh, and I appreciate the upgrade from the flaming finger(s) to the "Meh".) ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hope you keep some wet wipes handy for those little accidents. It was good for me, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Angi, my hope is that others with clearer vision and will be able to give you some more constructive feedback. And thanks for taking it so well.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just do more laundry when things like this happen. I need a cigarette.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Calamity-
    1. "a pro-choice agnostic with pagan tendencies who is a queer friendly, pro-gay marriage, anti-religious establishment, foul-mouthed sex fiend feminist liberal elitist." I have to steal this, hope it's ok, this is what I'm now going to say when people ask me about myself-I love how you summed it up, perfect.

    2.Flying spaghetti monster? How could I not have known about this? I am so a spagnostic. Thanks for the info, link and giving me something better to read than the reviewed blog.

    3.On your 'issues' link,
    "When I’m alone, I’m tempted to do things I know I shouldn’t do. (...)temptation is so strong, I have to take a couple of pills that I know will make me sleepy(...)just so my body will go into a state incapable of doing things I shouldn’t do."

    Is she talking about masturbating? KInda sounds like it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Of course. I'd be stupid to take it badly, I did ask for it after all, and I've read far enough back to know what I was getting into!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Formerly Fun - haha, no, but I could see how you would think that. I was referring to phoning an abusive ex-boyfriend. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like the 'take your lickin' attitude she has. But really, taking pills so you won't masturbate? Um, there is something ethically wrong here, wait for it.....yes, the body is a temple. Really, lady, if all that is keeping you from feeding your needs is a pill, it's going to be ugly when the pills stop working. Give me a call.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Or just don't call. Disregard my last.

    ReplyDelete
  11. See, that's the info that would help me connect with this, otherwise too vague, but I do see if you have too many peepers that you don't want to give the details.

    ReplyDelete
  12. GOK- Always a public servant willing to attend to the those in need.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Formerly, steal away! We pastafarians must stick together.

    Angi, see? These are the types of things that might reel in your readers, even if they don't share your views. I understand not posting that info because you don't want the ex to see, but if it's hampering your writing to such an extent, consider switching sites, going incognito.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Honestly, I've considered that on more than one occasion, creating a new site where I can spill all the gory details. Frankly, the only - ONLY - reason I don't want "the ex" or certain family members to read all the crap I have to say is because I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

    So hmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  15. If you have a place you can write the real stuff, it's more cathartic for you too.

    I'm considering a side blog where I can rag on my mom. I made the mistake of telling her about FF and now I can't bitch about her but I can post the democrat stuff which drives her nuts, ha! Yeah, I'm 35 and still have mother issues, so?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha...no worries there, I have daddy issues out the ears. (And yeah, I told my mom about WSFD as well...mistaaaaaaaaaaake!) The ex discovered it of his own accord. Broken up since May and he stalks my page like you wouldn't believe.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ugh. Yuck. That' my reaction.

    She and her little imaginary friend can suck it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I just became a member of the Church of the Volcano Taco. Tastes way better than Jesus.

    ReplyDelete
  19. FF, you can post about your whore of a mother on mine =)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Pity the children who will one day be homeschooled by this turd, after she's courted by a Godly man, submits to his authority, and does her wifely duty. Not only will they be brainwashed by this bullshit, they'll probably be ritualistically beaten with the "rod of correction".

    Feel very happy for all the people who will NEVER be possibly counseled by this idiot, because her education won't be used - she'll be a SAHM who raises "Godly Tomatoes".

    I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Doc, do you think salsa made with 'Godly Tomatoes' would be tasty, or more bland than the old testament?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Actually, the Old Testament is surprisingly risque, full of incest, rape, pillaging, war atrocities, the consequences of masturbation, and plenty of circumcised penis. It's like a bad soap opera.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Speaking of godly tomatoes, is anyone else totally sick of the creationism 'young earth' advocates and proponents of "intelligent" design getting any time or even being part of the discussion?

    Seriously, just think about it makes me want to rip hair from the Dirty Pirate Hookers cha.

    ReplyDelete
  24. FF, I would say that I'm available this weekend for you to do just that, but since my new vibrator burned crop circles onto my clit last night, I think I might be a little sore still by this weekend. I'll let you dress up like a dominatrix and beat the fuck out of my ass though =)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Is anyone else hearing the vocal stylings of Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, and Whitney Houston? Pube snatching -- it's what friends are for.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sorry, LB, I always picture senior citizens doing that raping and pillaging. Mostly because there is a shit ton of elderly motherfuckers in the stories.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Calamity, that's ecactly what friends are for.

    BTW, Does anyone have thought on whether the full brazilian is anti-Christian. I have a lot of very devout clients getting full waxes.

    One question, what would Jesus do?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Geezers need rampant sex and violence, too.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I think Jesus would be all organic with it, you know? Live and let live, grow and let grow. Then again, there is that whole turn the other cheek thing. Maybe thats what he meant.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I tell people to turn the other cheek all the time, and then I wax that shit off.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Calamity: They most certainly do. I just don't want to picture it.

    FF: Which Jesus? Hardcore Jesus would totally make every female get brazillians. Because Hardcore Jesus hates hairy pussy. It's true. Google it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. *that's

    I got too excited about Jesus' pubic hair to attend to proper grammar.

    ReplyDelete
  33. the truth according to google, that's my gospel, oh and wikipedia too.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Don't let the Flying Spaghetti Monster hear you putting false idols before him. He gets (parmesan) cheesed off at that.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hardcore Jesus knows you're excited about his holy hardcore pubes.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Are we talking about Jesus, like The Jeez or Jesus , the guy I paid to paint my house?

    ReplyDelete
  37. They're all the same guy, so it doesn't really matter, FF.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Jesus paints houses? Mine was painted by a flying mass of noodles and sauce.

    ReplyDelete
  39. But if I could have anyone paint my house, it would be the poor, poor Stepford that writes this blog. A fall from a ladder would do her some good.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Jesus has also fixed sports, drank beers, and doesn't like Christians. Or I guess they would be Himians. I'm not sure what he calls them.

    ReplyDelete
  41. My hubs is Italian so a flying mass of noodles and sauce is basically god in our house, or at least a prophet.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Screw reading the reviews! You guys entertain me in the comments :D

    FF - I think you should do a post on WWJW (What Would Jesus Wax). Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Jesus was also the first loan shark, the inventor of the smoking jacket, and the originator of the phrase, "oh, girlfriend." Because he was omnisexual.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I heard Jesus turned water into Redbull.

    ReplyDelete
  45. He then dropped a pint glass of German blood into the barrel, and was the the inventor of the first Jager Bomb.

    ReplyDelete
  46. "I tell people to turn the other cheek all the time, and then I wax that shit off."

    (~Formerly Fun)

    This hereby counts as my official vote for comment of the week.

    ReplyDelete
  47. She's a Christianofascist and I am so tired of these people.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hmm...so, I'm not one to get offended (and I'm still not) but I have a slight problem with the term "Christofascist"...I'm not trying to force my beliefs on anybody. Yes, I hold to them, but as far as my blog is concerned, it's a personal path I'm following and a walk I'm taking, but I'm not forcing anything on anyone. I am sorry if anything I've written has offended anyone, that's not the intent of any of the stuff I've written.

    People write about all kinds of beliefs and standards on their own blogs...just like I've done on mine.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm pretty sure that if Angi was really a Christofascist, she would NEVER read this blog. I am totally fine with Christians that don't try to push it on me. I didn't click through (because really, Jesus makes my hoo-haa burn) but from reading her comments here, she sounds like an alright gal. I probably wouldn't be friends in real life with her, but she's CLEARLY got some balls bringing her Christoblog here. I like balls.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Well thanks, Mr. Lady.

    I'm a sucker for constructive criticism, what can I say.

    Just...being called a Christofascist isn't exactly constructive criticism of my BLOG, nor is it true in general ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh, I'm pretty sure you would throw 'Islamofacist' around if you encountered a blog that merely mentioned 'Allah' so I think 'Christofacist' is appropriate here. Also, that's pretty passive of you. The topics found in your posts don't seem to always require you to mention God, but you choose to mention It anyway. So, really, in a sheepish way, you are inflicting your beliefs on others that read your blog. I do it all the time. I admit it. Noone has to read it. Own it.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I don't think she need be frightened of women randomly kissing her. Our kind think she's pretty 'icky' as well. And as for being banned from the airwaves...

    ReplyDelete
  53. "pro-choice agnostic with pagan tendencies who is a queer friendly, pro-gay marriage, anti-religious establishment, foul-mouthed sex fiend feminist liberal elitist."--

    Can I change my "about me" to that? or would that be stealing?

    FF & Angi- I didn't read the post but it sure did sound like a prelude to a big masturbation scene.

    What WOULD Jesus Wax?

    ReplyDelete
  54. So I look at her blog and I have a comment ready, and then I see that she's being nice here, so I relax a bit. But then I read this about Obama:

    "Is he Muslim? Possibly. I doubt it, but it’s possible. And just that possibility frightens me."

    And I'm thinking, fuck that whore. Ms. "I'm Christian but I'm not pushing my agenda" wants to overturn Roe v. Wade, which means she wants to push her fucking agenda. So fuck her and her fucking blog and her fucking bald eagle that never forgets.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Oh my. PIS, you're using obscenities. I think we may have found some common ground.

    ReplyDelete
  56. She's afraid of Muslims?

    I feel sorry for her. I can't imagine being afraid of anybody. Except for people that are really creepy. Like babies. And pygmies. and pygmy babies. And Christofascist pygmy babies. And people who drive Hummers in Chicago.

    I am giving myself the heebiejeebies.

    ReplyDelete
  57. You know what scares Hardcore Jesus? Nothing, that's what. Because he's hardcore. Sometimes he goes by 'The People's Jesus'. But typically, he saves that moniker for cage matches.

    ReplyDelete
  58. When Hardcore Jesus faced off with a Hummer in Thunderdome, he walked out unscathed with a brand new grill and a pair roller skates with TorqueTrac4 and 20 inch rims.

    ReplyDelete
  59. That's because Hardcore Jesus invented the Hummer. Hardcore Mary invented the hummer.

    ReplyDelete
  60. GOK, see? Angi is truly a uniter, not a divider. Like Bush.

    ReplyDelete
  61. And all I could think is that maybe she just needs to meet the right lesbian to show her we're not icky. Heh.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I am simply amused at the lines of thought here! Thanks for the heads-up on this one. She could be a sweet person in real life, but her blog scares the atheistic heathen pants off of me. I agree; if she's not out to push her agenda, then why does God and sweet little 8 pound, 4 ounce, blue-eyed baby Jesus have a role in every fucking post??

    At least I started writing for real on my blog after my caning. Something tells me she's not going to change.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Wow, Loveyh, did you ever start writing. I'm impressed, darlin. And the blog looks great. You done good.

    ReplyDelete
  64. :blushing: Thanks. A lot. :)

    And WWJW (What WOuld Jesus Wax?) made Cherry Coke Zero come out my nise. And it hurt. A lot.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.