Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cribs

I'm back, fully rested, and with a vengeance. And woe to the poser mommyblogger who's volunteered her ass up for reaming today.

Momz, while she's link buddies with our dearly beloved Booms and the Hair Ripper, and Key's dirty slut, isn't really cut from the same cloth, blog-wize. I doubt she has even read our FAQ. If she had, she'd realize we hate messy sidebars, and ads at the top of the blog, and busy pictures/gadgets/shit all over the blog.

The blog design is way cute, but you've ruined it with too much crap. It's like Liam threw up all over your blog. Fix it. Get rid of at least 90% of the bullshit on your sidebars, including the photos. Give the photos a page of their own, and LINK to it from your sidebar. Get rid of the comment tracking gadget, the visitor arrived from gadget, and other similar bullshit that distinguishes you as a wet-behind-the ears newbie blogger. You don't need that shit. You don't need to promote your blog, either. You just need good content. THAT IS ALL.

So, on to the content of the blog: there isn't any.

Can we be any clearer in our FAQ that the point of blogging is TO WRITE?

Jesus Christ on a biscuit, these posts aren't writing. They are journal entries, like the ones kept by a breathless tweener girl..."i saw jimmy in the hall and he looked at me"

So, basically, you're keeping a capitalization and punctuation-free internet record of your son, but you, my dear, are no e.e. cummings. The shift key is your friend. And, apostrophes, commas and periods are important. They help to separate subjects, they make the subjects of your descriptive phrases clear, and they transition from one complete thought to the next. You're a big girl with a kid now, so your writing should reflect that, and it doesn't. I've seen the blogs of 13-year-old myspacers that look more adult than this, and have more depth of content.

Go look at Boomster's blog, and let her be your role model. The bitch FUCKING WRITES. She writes in complete sentences, and each post expresses a clear and complete thought. And, you don't.

If you actually wrote, I'd ream you for writing solely about your son, and posting nothing about YOU, but you don't write. So, at least you saved yourself THAT ass-reaming, by not writing.

Of course, as we all know, that's the difference between a blog, and a not-blog. Your "blog" looks like a blog, and it WANTS to be a blog, but it isn't. And, the cutest design in the world won't fix that problem. A blog means writing. And, you don't write. The. End.

I give you . Get a livejournal, you'll be happier.

12 comments:

  1. Idiot.
    Nice to have you back, LB. I was beginning to think the curse of me had killed another blog.

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  2. Damn. Nothing like the scent of an ass reaming in the morning!

    And I agree 100% that Tits (BB) can fucking write. I love the way she tells a story.

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  3. Nah, I was just extra crispy from work and in need of an extended (10-day) vacation.

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  4. I'm currently on a 12-day "vacation" stretch. At the rate my kid moves, I'll be ready to go back to work.

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  5. I have nothing bad to say about her blog.

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  6. I had to leave a comment about the "my son is in the 95th percentile" bit, b/c every parent of a baby boy says this in my experience.

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  7. Is it wrong that I am so sick of people who are getting vaca time that I read half-heartedly and linked to nothing you recommended? No, that's not true. I click over to BB and read and liked it. Then I clicked over to nothing again. Half-heartedly.

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  8. I read her blog, and I also have nothing bad to say about it. =)

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  9. Tales from the crypt?
    Much as I'd love to put up cutesypie pictures of my toddler (I don't have one so far, but we live in hope), somehow I don't think he/she would be able to live down the embarrassment 10 years from now, so yeah. Cut it out.

    Happy new year, y'all.

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  10. Haha. Nasty and well reviewed.

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  11. Her blog looks like junk mail to me and I can't read it for content. I always just ditch that shit.

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Grow a pair.