Monday, January 12, 2009

Ask & You Shall Receive, Unleashed

New year, new attitude, new blogs to dismember, new enthusiasm, new post.

Yes, this means that we are all going to be more scheduled and on the ball. No, it doesn't mean we've lost our edge or our hatred for mediocrity.

Today: Orion Unleashed.

First off, let me just say this: the blog screams douchebag, from the blogger's mandatory "I'm an urban hipster" stocking cap to the calculatedly pretensious "I'm so unpretentious" labels, to the "Oh, look at me, I'm a fuck the world badass" blog template. I cannot tell a lie, I am prepared to spew molten seething hatred all over this blog.

And, some things, I do hate. Especially this post, which makes me want to punch Mr. Poster Child for Urban Douchebag Poseurs right in the snake bite. I hate dickheads. Even more than I hate dickheads, I hate guys who think that being a dickhead to a 4-year-old is funny. No, it isn't funny. It just shows that you are as evil and soulless as Dick Cheney. And, I am never going hunting with your lame friend-shooting ass. Sure, maybe you were just being a little over the top with the sarcasm, but shut the fuck up. As a mom here, I don't find it funny, not at all.

Not all the posts are this bad, however, I notice that all of them are just slightly off. It's like pushing a grocery cart around a store with that one squeaky wheel that can never quite get its shit together and roll with the rest of the team. After a while, it gets on your last good nerve, and you have to push that cart out to the edge of the parking lot and hope that, on its own initiative, it will roll straight off a cliff and perish in a screech of plastic wheels and shiny metal spokes.

For instance, this post. The PEHS nonsense? Not funny. If you'd just spoken from your own experiences, instead of trying to riff off someone else's funny, the post would have worked better.

Or this one, which could have been a very funny single paragraph post, but instead, lost momentum midstream in the second paragraph. I'd have advised breaking up the single post into two separate posts.

I don't really get the point of this post or this post. Both left me with a meh feeling in my gut. Too many words, not enough point.

So far, I have yet to see a blog that's self-referred to us from humorbloggers.com that really comes through and delivers the funny. And, there is just too much random shit going on that doesn't work, like putting an orange in the middle of a story about annoying next door neighbors. You don't need the orange, dude. You just need to fucking tell the story.

What I get from this blog is that Orion hasn't figured out yet who he's going to be. Is he going to be a dad, or a poser tough guy? Is he going to be tender? Or a dickhead? I'm not sure I like him, and at this point, as it stands, I don't really like his blog.

Maybe he is ambivalent towards his new role as an adult man in a family with kids, but speaking as a single mom here, that ambivalence ain't cool.

To borrow from Jerry McGuire:
Jerry: Can I ask you a question totally unrelated to your career?
Rod: Oh, we gonna be friends now?
Jerry: What do you know about dating a single mother?
Rod: Oh I know plenty. I was raised by a single mother.
Jerry: Tell me, because it's been a month, and she's about to take another job in San Diego.
Rod: First, single mothers don't "date." They have been to the circus, you know what I'm saying? They have been to the puppet show and they have seen the strings. You love her?
Jerry: How do I know?
Rod: You know when you know. It makes you shiver, it eats at your insides. You know?
Jerry: No, I don't know.
Rod: Then you gotta have The Talk.
Jerry: But I sure don't like that she's leaving.
Rod: Well, that ain't fair to her. A single mother, that's a sacred thing, man.
Jerry: The kid is amazing.
Rod: No. A real man does not shoplift the "pooty" from a single mom.


Are you in it? Or, are you shoplifting the pooty? Because, you're talking about kids' lives here, and you can't be in it halfway. I think you're a poser, and you need to grow the fuck up and be a man, and your blog pisses me off, and isn't funny enough to compensate for that. Also, this is who you are trying to be, and failing miserably, because you aren't him, so fucking be yourself.

21 comments:

  1. I'll get around to reading the blog shortly, but for now, let me stand here, arms open, breathing in the sulphur, the bile, and the nail polish.

    Fahhhhhhhhk yes.

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  2. As a single mom, this guy is the reason I don't date.

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  3. Great review, Lovebites. Oooh, how I've missed your reviews.

    I read the post about the conversation with the kid and it left me with a bad feeling.

    And I am a person that loves assholes if they have any fucking idea how to be funny. Oh, and they have to have a tiny glimmer of a heart somewhere. Otherwise, they can eat shit.

    Oh, and love Slapdashittery.

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  4. Just the ass kicking I needed to read this morning.

    You always deliver, LB.

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  5. LB- Love the reference of the shopping cart with the errant wheel.

    It is pretty clear he is either shoplifting the pooty or shoplifting the pooty.

    Am I a bitch because I think people who don't know the difference between accept and except should maybe put the computer away and just go play more XBox?

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  6. No. Am I a bitch because I think they should cut off their testicles and leave the breeding to us?

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  7. You could have been harsher, too, lb. Glad to have you back.

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  8. At this point and time I would like to take a bow with a flaming finger up my ass... and thanks for the honesty.

    ...but in self-defense, I would like to say I am NOT an asshole to either Mr. 4 or Mr. 7, just highly confused as to how they work some days. The blog is a venting point.. that's it.

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  9. It's good to have a venting place, and I freely acknowledge that there is a learning curve to dealing with other people's children. But, your blog is not presenting you in the best light.

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  10. I just think that it should be said that there is nothing wrong with being a douchebag.

    You know... as long as it's a brand new, out of the box, that still smells good.

    Most people are just used up douche though.

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  11. So, that "morning sunshine" post that you linked? That first paragraph was hilarious.

    I feel like he's not really a douchebag, and he's just trying too hard to up the snark factor. I think that's what makes it a little awkward, because there's this caution behind the dbaginess. I say bring on the baggery full speed or get rid of it.

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  12. Oh, and fuck yeah, you're back.

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  13. His blog makes me sad.

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  14. Wow, this douchebag draws a comparison to SD? Hmm.

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  15. I am also a single mother, and I follow Orion's blog. I enjoy his posts because I feel his sincerity and his love for these boys beneath the tough exterior. Raising kids isn't easy most days and if you can find the humor in it, I applaud you.

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  16. I think you're feeling more than his sincerity, PhoenixA. Most if not all of the reviewers and commenters here are, in fact, parents. I'm a single parent and I didn't find anything there to enjoy. Yes, parenting is tough. But that doesn't give anyone free fucking reign to belittle the spawn. There are moments when the Next Messiah is less than perfect, true. But he's small, and so we all were once. Think about it like this: you grow up and read shit like that about you. Having fun? No? Why not? It was humorous, wasn't it? No it wasn't.

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  17. Wait, I was overly sensitive in my last comment.

    Um, really, are you fucking pulling my leg? I was an only child. I was adopted. Cry me a river, dickface. Your lack of human traits, Orion, disgusts even me. And it really should be said that there isn't much in this world that turns my stomach. I sincerely hope that you aren't granted the responsibility of fatherhood. Fuck, that's an endorsement, you should put that on a t-shirt. There is no excuse on this planet for that ridiculous heap of shit you left on your own doorstep.

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  18. I am not a parent, nor do I want children, nor do I know what to do with them when they're around, but even I have more patience with them than this guy. I'm only basing my opinion on that one post, but damn. He should probably not be around kids. And he knows it, which makes it worse.

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  19. Also, LB, he kind of reminds me of someone I dislike intensely, and no doubt you know who.

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  20. Now that you mention it, Cal, yeah, I so see it, the "I'm going to embrace my own assholeishness without aspiring to anything higher or better."

    You're right. Ugh. Now my skin is crawling.

    Orion: If you love these kids, think about how you'd feel if they someday read this stuff. Even your "nice" answer to that little boy in the post that so offended me aren't "nice."

    Grow the fuck up. We all have to do it at some point.

    And phoenix, the "tough exterior" is a calculated pose. Tough men don't have to show how tough they are all the fucking time. Real tough guys are tough enough to be tender, and let the scary feelings come inside and live there.

    Key's a good example. I know for a fact that he is about 60 million times more badass than Orion, and he's still tender enough to express his affections for his child. That's tough.

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  21. I read a few more posts and I know it's difficult raising kids, and I know sometime you wish they would stop talking and I'm guessing, because I do not actaully know, that raising a kid that has bipolar and/or ADHD is even more challenging. Still, the myriad of shut the fuck ups(and I want to bash your face in--about coworker not kid--and the like) that litter this sight is indicitive of someone who needs a little anger management and maturity. Case in point, if every interaction with people is illiciting anger and rage, it's probably you buddy.

    And LB is right, the internet is an open place and you have to be careful what you express because it's around for a long time. But chances are you will have bailed by then, uhm, after you're all done stealing the pooty.

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Grow a pair.