Monday, March 02, 2009

Days of Whine and Neuroses

This is going to be quick, but scathing. I'm putting it in a numerical listy format for my own convenience because I have work coming out of my ass and eardrums (and it looks about as attractive as you'd imagine).

Today's victim: Days of Deerledge

Things we learn on this blog:
1. Sheri feels pretty.
2. Sheri has had 40,000 visitors in 4 years.
3. Avoid wearing spurs while squatting.
4. Sheri questions why people would read her blog, and if she should be blogging at all. (good questions)

Template issues:
1. Yellow. Yellow. And, more yellow.
2. Brown text, red titles and green dates. WHY?
3. Links are rollover to standard "link" blue. Which doesn't match the rest of the "design."
4. Weird, off-centered header appropos of nothing.
5. Strange google search bar at the top of the page.
6. Another gadget that appears to rotate random text for unknown reasons.
7. Status of the blogger, with corresponding picture.
8. Sidebar full of random widgety crap - needs to be cleaned up.
9. Drop down archives would be better, and Jesus Christ, when will people stop putting their blogroll in their sidebar for 4 inches worth of nothing?

This blog is far too old to look this crappy and amateurish. My fifteen year old could do a better design. Maybe Sheri should hire her child to do the revamp.

Content issues:
Topics range from the eternally compelling live tree versus fake tree debate to the type of meat eaten at New Year's festivities (ham).

Sheri has an odd habit of striking out text for no apparent reason. If you are going to strike out text, and it can be very funny, there should be some reason for it. I see no reason, whatsoever, to strike out "shooting the breeze" only to replace it with "talking." Clearly, you are using the strike function with NO REAL IDEA OF WHY IT IS USED.

And, the post I've linked here is a good example of what is wrong with your blog. You've taken a funny interaction between your co-workers and suffocated it with a heavy blanket of boring words. EDIT. Write a post, and then go through and take out every unnecessary word. EDIT, EDIT, EDIT. If you are going to put this dreck online, it becomes a reflection of you. You ought at least have sufficient pride to edit your work and take a few minutes to craft your posts into writing.

This blog is boring with a capital b. Maybe you're boring, maybe you aren't. Maybe you THINK you are boring. All of these, however, are curable conditions. Fucking do something about the fact that you are apparently spending the better part of your days living a drab and monotonous existence that bores you (and everyone else) to tears.

Frankly, I have no idea what to do with blogs like this. I don't know why people submit blogs like this to us, knowing what we will dismember them. This blog isn't writing, it is a daily diary, with comments. In that guise, it appears to be working for Sheri, who has made some online pals, and gets 3-5 comments per post.

For me, though, I would rather put a cactus up my ass than read Sheri's blog on a regular basis.

I don't know why people "write" blogs like this (and I use the term loosely, the creative and needful process known as writing is not happening on this blog), other than to connect similarly socially-challenged induhviduals.

I don't want to be mean to Sheri, she seems like a nice enough person, and I'm not going to tell her to quit blogging, because clearly it fills a social void in her life, but Christ With a Pancake on His Head, these blogs annoy the bloody stool right out of me.

I'm not suggesting that everyone or anyone should be blogging about rimjobs and anal sex, but for the sake of all that is unholy, put some thought into the words you put online. Your blog doesn't have to be a leather thong, but does it have to be pristine white cotton granny panties?

Sheri, I'm going to assume that you also realize that your blog is dreadfully dull, and you want help. Your submission is a cry for help, right? Your biggest issue is that you need to learn how to write a meaty, content-filled post. To that end, I've linked some bloggers that have managed to transcend the boring, and write about their lives (some stay at home, some working moms) with verve.

Hahn at Home
A Widow for One Year
Drunken Housewife

Don't write another post until you've spent at least 8 hours reading. You need to feed your brain some good writing to improve your output.

For now, I give you a short bus, with sincere hopes that you will improve.

36 comments:

  1. If everyone blogged about rimjobs and anal sex, I'd be fucked. LB, I'm going to make you eat your words, though: I'm sending you a cactus.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just nodded off in my chicken fried rice.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome review.

    That was a horribly dull blog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As a matter of fact, it was so dull, I'm really surprised it's not more popular.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "First, I have to say I had no idea that men and women can be so different."

    Um, what? What?

    Whatever.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just curious. Who dropped the ball?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Who dropped what ball where?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, I see that we missed Doug. Though, for the life of me, I don't know why he is so damn anxious to get dismembered.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Doug must be extremely sadistic.

    ReplyDelete
  10. People are funny creatures.

    They read blogs like today's victim.

    It's obvious we all hate ourselves, Doug is no exception.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Drunken housewife's link takes me to A widow for one year.
    I always wonder why blogs like ths as to be reviewed. If your blog blows but it makes you happy, that's all good, but why make other people suffer through reading and reviewing it?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have another widget she can add: Fun Facts.

    Fun Fact #1: All snowflakes are different!

    (Oh, and Idaho Woman changed her template and then stopped blogging, pretty much, which is a damn shame).

    ReplyDelete
  13. I will fix the link. And, Kristi stopped blogging? FUCKING BLOODY HELL.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I removed Here in Idaho. Far be it from me to reward bad behavior.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Yeah, I like to encourage bad behavior too.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh my. Appears the victim wasn't as willing to receive as she thought she would be when she submitted.

    She also removed my comment about the review. I think it is interesting how people submit here, and then don't want anyone to read the review.

    What in the hell did you THINK would happen?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Just because I started cutting again doesn't mean I hate myself. Much.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I must say, I like the idea of links to the other blogs at the end of the review. A "here's what I'm talking about" reference - useful but wasted today I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Uhm, yeah I'd like you ass rippers to review my blog, but only if you really like it,k?

    [Pouts] Constructive criticism is hard.

    LB- I think a lot of bloggers write one good post and they are all like,"I am as brilliant as the sun, I have arrived, let the heaping of praise begin." and then by the time you get to them, their blogs are awash in twattle Tuesdays and Witless Wednesdays and posts about oatmeal.

    ReplyDelete
  20. If by oatmeal you mean Billy Idol... Well, I'm sorry okay!

    They can't all be winners.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Mmm ... oatmeal! So very much more to say about it than about this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Personally I didn't think it was that bad. Shame she didn't hang around to stick up for herself but it's no worse than some of the stuff I see.

    I know you guys are being objective so I'm not trying to be argumentative.

    The referrals at the end of a review isn't a bad idea. Giving an indication of what a particular reviewer considers a good blog can be quite illuminating.

    Like a critic slating Rambo when his/her all time favourite film is Secrets & Lies.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh I am happy you reviewed my blog and I really appreciate your constructive and well though out review. I'm glad you pointed out my mis-use of the strike outs. I really had no idea and I won't be using those again (unless in the correct form!). The reason I submitted my blog for review was I really wanted to know what an objective person thought of my blog... someone other than my mother who would tell me the crappiest thing I could ever write or do would cause sunshine to spring out of a horses ass.

    The only thing that tweaked me sideways - and I mean this sincerely - is the criticism of my template and the header. The header is what I felt Deerledge (which is my home) exemplifies. Laid back (Hilda in the hammock), reading (something I love) with a sideline of fishing (a core staple around here). Those who know me personally can relate the header to me. Those who don't... assumed it was a "Weird, off-centered header appropos of nothing. " I can see why you would think that, but I'm not changing it.

    I'll work on the red, blue and green colors for headings, links and such though because they really do suck and thank you for pointing that out.. I've read your previous reviews of others blogs and had changed my archives to a drop down menu long ago. I obviously didn't realize you meant previous posts as well.

    Well, back to my boring existence or as you so eloquently put it "apparently spending the better part of your days living a drab and monotonous existence that bores you (and everyone else) to tears." Really?

    Actually your comment "For me, though, I would rather put a cactus up my ass than read Sheri's blog on a regular basis" made me choke with laughter because that is almost exactly what I think about some of the blogs you DO like.

    Thanks again for your review... it was fun!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think the header picture is nice just fix it, resize and align it so it doesn't look all janky.

    If you took the picture, made it a little smaller and created a banner all the way across the top, with Days of Deerledge in the banner to the right of the picture. You could always use the muted blue in the picture as background or banner color and then choose one color for your text and keep it uniform.

    Right now it looks haphazard and the image is cute and a good jumping off point.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Really, Sheri, 'I know you are but what am I' is immature for me, even. Tsk.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ghost,
    If I came across that way, I didn't mean to. I apologize. To the reviewer... I really DO appreciate you reviewing my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Is it just me or did Sheri's comment read as, "you're really pretty...for a fat girl"?

    ReplyDelete
  28. The header image is nice, it's just over there in no man's land being all out of place.

    The strikethrough option is so overused. It's like people think it's "track changes" or something.

    Nicely reviewed, LB. Good luck getting those thorns out your ass.

    ReplyDelete
  29. DPH: Same thing! I kept thinking -I am just not buying the appreciation for this review-. Oh well, I suppose I can just think about God sending a cactus to LB via snail mail and the Betsey Booms IdolFest. Those both seem much more genuine to me.

    ReplyDelete
  30. DPH:

    I AM really pretty for a fat girl. Good thing my boyfriend likes curves, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Her comment about finding the blogs boring that the reviewers here do like really struck me. Sort of like someone who would say, "Lolita was such a snoozefest, but I LOVED Twilight!" Either way, she took her negative review better than some others have. Possibly better than I will when the time comes.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh, and I know Doug has been awaiting his review anxiously for some time now. He commented about it a while back. When I saw he was up for review last week, I thought, "Yay for Doug!" And then his day came and went and I thought maybe you guys were withholding the review just to fuck with him because he wanted it so badly. I guess I was completely wrong. I also think anyone who submits their blog for review has to be a teensy bit masochistic. What does anyone really expect based on the URL of this blog?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Ask for a review and ye shall receive a sermon on life.

    Hallelujah!

    ReplyDelete
  34. One of us had something come up last week and wasn't able to do his review. We're sorry, but shit happens.

    ReplyDelete
  35. If I have a chance this week, I will try to get a review worked out for Doug, even though we are short-handed.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Formerly Fun,

    Ouch! I actually wrote a post about oatmeal. Only one, though.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.