Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mother Theresa, I Ain't

A guest review by Ginny, of Praying to Darwin fame.

Once upon a time, there was this cute, wrinkled little old lady named Mother Theresa. She was all selfless and stuff, and spent her life being nice to lepers.

She and I have nothing in common.

Today's blog is called Leper Pop. It's a multi-contributor affair: there's 3 of them and one of me. I'm immediately transported back to that bonfire party after the football game in Grade 11, where I drank waaay too much Southern Comfort and...you know what, let's just review a blog, how 'bout? There's 3 contributors listed, but really, it's 2 guys doing all the heavy lifting (wow, this really is just like that party!). Moist Rub and Sid F'er are two guys, early middle aged, who watch a metric buttload of TV. The blog goes all the way back to the lazy, hazy days of summer '05, when these dudes were a wee bit obsessed with the show “Rock Star – INXS.”

Then they read the TV Guide. Then, there was a second season of “Rock Star”. Then one of the guys got cancer. But he decided this blog wasn't the place to talk about it. So he didn't. Aaaaand, that's the first 2 years.

They decide to branch out in the next couple of years. Every now and again, they're mildly amusing.

But not a lot.

Moist, Sid, I think you're probably OK guys. And your friends, without a doubt, find you hi-fucking-larious. But it ain't coming across. At all. I don't need an extensive “About Me” section, hell, I don't even really need to know that much about a blogger to like their blog, but occurs to me that I have no idea what in the hell you're trying to do with this here little corner of the internet. And you've been at it for 4 YEARS!

Your blog's not ugly, but it's not grabbing me, either. Navigation is not easy – I like to be able to search by month as well as year – and when there's 4 years of stuff to slog through, man, I wished I'd packed a lunch. Maybe even give me a “Best-Of”, point me at the stuff you really, really want me to see.

But mostly (and this is the REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT PART), 98% of your posts are 98% too long. Edit, dudes, edit.

You made my eyes roll back in my head out of boredom, but you show a glimmer of promise. And I like your name (Seriously, folks, say it out loud. A couple of times. Feels good, doesn't it?). So you're getting a star. One tiny, hopeful, little star. Go forth, my wee lepers, and try not to lose any vital body parts.

62 comments:

  1. "Husbands give their wives sexy nightwear in hopes of transforming a tired mom into a skanky cock gobbler."

    Is that why my hubs got me the Sailor Moon outfit?

    Nice review G.

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  2. I don't really hate their writing, but I swear I've puked that color before. More than once, actually. And I'm positive my kids have puked that color frequently.

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  3. I think we can make it official, flesh is not an awesome color for a blog.

    Okay, so GoK is traveling today. Who is going to fill in as the resident asshole today?

    Gwen? I mean, since you are obviously such an asshole, right?

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  4. I'll do it, I don't think my meds are working all that great right now, so I have an inner raging bitch just raring to go.

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  5. I wasn't even on mine last week and this week they've been a little too effective, making me dull.

    However, I seem to be back today.

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  6. Also? I haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks. I don't even know what to say about that.

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  7. You know it, Betsey. Total asshole I am. So here's my first attempt at a Gok impression:

    Biscotti?

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  8. LB, considering how often I get to have sex, that was bitchy.

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  9. Gwen, first you have to start by making fun of the mildly retarded but essentially harmless Chinese Christian girl.

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  10. After I posted my review, I actually lost readers from my own blog.

    Uh, I'm guessing they weren't readers I really wanted anyway?

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  11. Betsey - are you serious? Your review was great and not at all offensive. It was written with a good humor and not vicious in the least. It's bizarre to me that people are that offended by what you wrote. We are surrounded by humorless, sensitives I guess.

    Christians can suck the cock of Gok. How's that LB?

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  12. Really? It was less offensive than the crap I spew out every day. Maybe in just a different way.

    I just don't think people get the whole, "they as for it" thing.

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  13. I think we all have a little GoK in us and can contribute. I'll be having a lot of GoK in me later, but that's besides the point really.

    Fantastic review Ginny.

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  14. Thanks ladies. It's awfully estrogen-y in here today. Should get ugly. Especially after a review of a blog that is the color of a flacid penis.

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  15. Do you suppose they'll name the Crayola that now?

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  16. I plan to name all of my kids color names (Scarlet, Gray, Hazel, Cobalt), I could maybe think about naming a kid "Flacid Penis".

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  17. Seriously Betsey, people who read BB commented on your review on your site? They expressed disappointment? Did you feel like you were taling to your mom again?

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  18. The good news is maybe the comment thread will put us ahead of Perez for Most Obnoxious blog. Always an upside see?

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  19. Betsy,

    You were NICE. It's a shame that some ex-naval personnel are fucking douchebag pussies.

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  20. Between the sales pitches for this or that, the rest of their shambling, mindless humour posts read like scripts of an episode of 'Scrubs'.

    The only reason that goddamned show works at all is the main character IS a fucking scrub. But at least he's a scrub you can root for.

    These guys just disappoint.

    ~ Driz

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  21. Yeah. Maybe what I said didn't come out right, Betsey. I think your review was really nice all things considered. The fact that people had such a problem with it was surprising to me. But then again, they think I'm an asshole. I mean, I'm a total bitch. But an asshole? I don't see it.

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  22. Also, Mother Theresa was a cunt. She routinely took donations from the rich under the guise of distributing that wealth to the poor, but instead used the money to build up nunneries and hospices.

    The money she didn't use was sent to the Vatican.

    All her hospices were of sad, deplorable qualities of living, and she repeatedly inflicted upon uneducated and dying people a religious ethos of further suffering and pain to bring them closer to a god that many of them weren't literate enough to have heard of.

    So fuck that bitch, and educate yourself.

    ~ Driz

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  23. Hey! I was nice. So you know what?

    Fuck off, douchebags.

    You're all assholes. You don't know me!

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  24. Driz, I would just like to add, respectfully:

    If you know so much about Mother Teresa, spell her name correctly next time.

    That being said, and I cannot believe I'm starting this shit right now, but yeah, Mother Teresa's devotion to righteous squalor and poverty is retarded.

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  25. Frankly, Mother Teresa represents everything I despise about religious hypocrites.

    In a just world, she'd have contracted leprosy.

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  26. What about my devotion to righteous squalor and poverty and drunkeness.

    Is that retarded?

    Mother Teresa was drunk right?

    I mean, why else would you make lepers your homeboys?

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  27. Stop being such a dicknose, Boomer. I can see your brain.

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  28. You know who does love me? Billy Idol's Fan Club...

    Look at this! Like the second item down.

    http://www.billyidol.com/v1/news_2009_march.html

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  29. Ross - You're a complete dicknose.

    I should just kick you in your nards.

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  30. Is that a shiv in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

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  31. It's not a shiv. It's a tall boy. So you and I can sit on the curb, get drunk together and yell at randoms.

    Oh and outdo each other on what is the most awesome thing ever.

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  32. We don't need no curb. I got a stoop.

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  33. Even better. I hope it has crates on it for sitting.

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  34. Sheet, girl. You don't need crates when you've got a stoop.

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  35. Hey as long as I'm not reviewing anyone while I'm sitting there.

    I'd hate to be "lazy and drive-by"

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  36. What's better for a lazy drive by kinda day than sitting on a stoop?

    Nothing. For reals.

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  37. Dude, you do not want to be on the stoop during a drive-by. You want to be down on the sidewalk behind a car's engine block.

    Just sayin.'

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  38. Okay, [ranty]

    What in the hell did THOSE PEOPLE think was going to happen when they submitted here? Did they really think that we'd fall in love with those blogs, and kiss and hug and schmoopsie them?

    They seriously did.

    Fucking wankers. These are people who don't realize how dated "eating cats" humor is. Jesus Christ.

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  39. They seriously thought we'd love their science club geek humor.

    And you know? I've known so many people like that. If you don't get it, then you just aren't smart enough to understand.

    Good nerd humor is The Big Bang Theory.

    Bad nerd humor = them and their cat in a tin foil jokes.

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  40. Rass: If Driz misspelled Mother Teresa's name, it's because the dumb bunny who wrote this review misspelled it first. I'm sorry. I had no idea. I'm allergic to Catholics.

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  41. Please don't apologize to Driz. He likes having things to be disgruntled about.

    Personally, I prefer my cats in lumpia, pinoy style.

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  42. When I tried to point out, yet again, that Nathan and Janiece ASKED to be reviewed, that Jim Wright went off about bullying blah, blah, blah. He said something inane about blaming victims of robbery and some other nonsense. He might even have referenced rape. I don't know. Comparing getting a bad review from this site to getting maliciously robbed at gunpoint is a bit of a stretch, I think. But maybe it's just over my head since I'm a)not in the super smart science club b)a real asshole.

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  43. But the tinfoil allows the outside to get crispy, while the inside stays moist. My grandma taught me that.

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  44. Well they are a classy sort over there. Considering one of them has a regular post called 'tard of the week.

    I think 'tard must be the scientific term.

    Just like hillbilly.

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  45. The Chief Warrant Officer guy? Yeah, he said that it was like blaming the "victim" of a rape.

    I think it's more like, you know, a whore making fun of her partner for ruining the fun of sex.

    If you're horrible in bed and you sleep with a whore and ask for a rating after your routine, you're gonna get verbally ransacked, and it won't be pretty. Just like the original performance.

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  46. just for clarification, when I put victim in quotes there, I didn't mean to insinuate that there are no victims of rape.

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  47. I don't want those science fuckers coming over here and twisting words.

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  48. Jim is still reliving his former glory days since he retired almost 20 years ago.

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  49. Wait! Are you calling me a whore?

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  50. Nathan's justice league? I've met funnier mathletes.

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  51. Oh no you di'in!
    ha ha ha
    Just had to type it.
    Ginny, you're a goddamn genius.
    Gwen, you're a poetic little whore.
    LB, if you get any smarter I'm going to die.
    And, BB, are my shero. Seriously. People stopped reading your blog because of your review of that nutless fuck. Whatev, right? Want me to ass rape one of them for you?

    Pumkin muffin? Horse vagine? Anyone?

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  52. All I'm sayin is, how many spelling mistakes do I make?

    YOU BE THE JUDDGE.

    ~ Driz

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  53. Driz, you'd really have to comment more often for me to say for certain. Just sayin'.

    I do hate people, though, that can't tell the difference between your and you're. And their and they're.

    I bet Chief Warrant Officer Jim of the Alaskan Navy confuses your and you're.

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  54. LB is my Mother Teresa of punctuation

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  55. Ginny, I really don't care about the mistake. It's just fun to stick it to Driz.

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  56. Thanks, Rassles. Because I wouldn't have slept tonight, thinking you were somewhere, possibly drunk, judging my lack of spelling acumen.

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  57. Duuude. Leper Pop? It's like naming a blog "Wups, there's zombie slough in my coffee. Fuck."

    Hey. That's not bad. I kinda wanna rename my blog now.

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  58. I know it's a day late and a dollar short, but am I the only one who looks at the picture of Special Ops CWO Jim and thinks of Danny McBride in The FootFist Way?

    Check it out if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

    Also, I'm a veteran too. You don't see me running around picking fights on blogs do you?

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Grow a pair.