Monday, April 06, 2009

Evidence of what I always suspected

Stay-at-home mommybloggers are the bane of my reviewing existence.

I'm admittedly biased, but I envision the vast majority of these chicks sitting at home on their ever-expanding asses, watching way too much daytime television, ignoring their offspring, and amusing themselves online while their toddler attempts to french kiss the power outlet.

This blog bolsters all of my worst beliefs about full-time mommybloggerdom.

There are no adventures here. Instead, this blog catalogs how this mommy slacker lollygags about on the internet all day, working on blog designs and new photoshopped nonsense and giving away her hubby's hard-earned cash in the form of gift certificates in order to lure in other unsuspecting housewives into reading and sharing her drivel.

Here's the evidence right here:
Personally, I'm glad to have him out of here. Last week I overheard him tell the guy that works the evening shift what we do (blog, eat, t.v) and don't do(cook and clean) all day. Stool Pigeon!


As a working mom, if I found out that my spouse had been pulling this nonsense all day long while ostensibly caring for our children, I'd fire his/her ass pronto from the sweet SAHP gig, and tell him/her to get a job. And, with good cause.

This blog is crap. It's what happens when brainless morons collide with photoshop and too much free time.

Do you really think you'll look back on this time in your life and be glad that you sat on your ass in front of the computer/television, creating this mindless nonsense, instead of playing with your little ones?

There is nothing soulful, sweet, touching, interesting, or worthy of being put online on this blog. It's all cartoon colors and big fonts, and no substance. I tried to find one single stimulating, entertaining, and thoughtful post, and failed, utterly.

This blog is the Fruity Pebbles of the blogosphere, all Red No. 3, artificial flavorings, processed white flour, high sucrose corn syrup, and way too little fiber and protein. It will make your brain rot. As a mom, I advise you to stay clear of it. And, for that matter, actual Fruity Pebbles.

In all fairness, there are a few mommybloggers I don't hate. You mostly know who you are, but mad props to the drunken housewife. She remains my all-time favorite stay-at-home mommy, a woman who has refused to allow her brain to be gelatinized by the bloggy klatsche into tasteless pablum. Look to her as a role model, you silly bitches who keep submitting here in the misguided belief that we will fucking love you.

Now, .

Turn off the computer, go outside, play with your little boys, and do your fucking J-O-B. Read a book. Read one with no swooning virgins on the cover, even. Better yet, read some to your kids. Join a service club. Volunteer. There is more to being a parent than blogging about the fact that you are having a multi-year work vacation. Get a fucking grip, you twit.

56 comments:

  1. I think this is what you call irony.

    The following is 100% serious and not made up.

    This weekend I was joking around with my wife that I was going to start running a comic strip called "Neglecti-Mommy" about an inattentive SAHM (because she was sitting with our 6 month old son and turned her back for one second and he toppled himself from a sitting position into some awkward state where it looked like he had landed on his head but was actually fine and laughing). I have NO art skill whatsoever, so I said it would be stick figures like XKCD.

    "Oh, there's a blogger that already does that. She calls herself Super Mommy or something."

    That said, I have to agree with your assessment of this blog, but beg you to reconsider your generalization... not all mommy (or daddy) blogs are like that. Some actually are thoughtful and reflective.

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  2. Hey, LB, she's Canadian, too. Ouch.

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  3. Sci Fi, I already said there are some mommyblogs I don't hate, and even provided an example. But as a whole, the genre is rubbish.

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  4. You fucking love me though. :P

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  5. If I could put this entire review on a t-shirt, I'd wear it until it was threadbare.

    This is the kind of shit that makes me irritated at nominations for things like "hot mommy blogger".

    Fucking hell.

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  6. Tits: again, you make it sound like you're capable of dressing yourself.

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  7. There are a few mommybloggers out there who aren't a complete waste of oxygen. They know who they are. The rest apparently got some kind of Labor & Delivery with free Lobotomy special.

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  8. Also, this blogger should take Sci-Fi's idea, and run with it.

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  9. Booms: I'm sorry I voted for you as Hottest Mommy Blogger. I stopped reading at "Hottest". We still cool?

    SAHM? Not a hard job. Actually giving a shit about doing the SAHM job WELL? Really fucking hard.

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  10. I don't understand the give-a-way shit. Isn't desire to read a blog on account of the content enough? Why would you subject yourself to read through mundane crap you really don't fucking care about?

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  11. This blog made me dizzy.

    Seriously, whenever people ask me why I haven't gotten married and had kids yet, instead of giving them the general answer (would YOU marry me?) I should send them to this blog.

    I'm afraid I would turn into her, and I would have to have playdates with moms like her, and then I would kill myself.

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  12. Ghost - Now see? Just when I think the banter you create between the two of us is getting old, you go and prove that it is entirely stale and that you are just a creep sometimes.

    Praying to Darwin - Yeah, I don't hold it against you, I hold it against every mommy blogger that makes me want to tear my eyes out, now that I know that there is blogging out there that doesn't start with "mommy".

    Rassles - I was a stay at home mom for over two years. I went fucking nuts, but I never did anything like a play date. Not once.

    While I understand that SAHM bloggers are slowly going insane, I don't understand why they want to drag everyone else down with them.

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  13. The mommy bloggers I love I don't even think of as mommy bloggers. They don't let their children eclipse who they are. And who they are is really interesting to begin with.

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  14. De-lurking just long enough to say "ouch" and back-up SciFiDad's assertion that not all parents-who-blog are "mommybloggers from hell".

    That said, anybody who's read Ask and Ye Shall Receive for more than five minutes should be able to predict what would happen to the (stereo?)typical "mommy-blog" submitted here.

    I don't think SuperMommy is *bad* ... but asking this group to review that kind of blog is kind of liking inviting the carnivores to sample the salad bar.

    Not really your target audience.

    *dashes back into hiding*

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  15. For me, even as a mom who blogs, it's still 90% about the writing. I don't mind the occasional 'being a mom, even sahm is hard' tangent or even pics of the kids or the husband rant, etc. just write something too. LB, you are right, this feels exactly like Fruity Pebbles and I'm more of an oatmeal/grits kind of girl-give me something simple and filling(besides Gok).

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  16. Oh, but FF, I'm 100 per cent protein.

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  17. Oh, I fucking loath lazy parents. Seriously lazy mothers make us all look bad. Even more so, the ones that claim to be worked to the bone, neglected, blahblahblah look how wonderful I am SAHM's. Fuck them.
    I have an 8 year old, and have been trying desperately to have another for almost 2 friggin years. Do you know what I would give up to have 3 beautiful children and be able to STAY home with them?! A whole fucking lot.

    I was able to stay home with my son until he was 15 months old, and let me tell you, I never sat my fat ass in front of the computer messing around with a blog. No, my son and I played. We read, we learned, we built, we explored. And my kid is one kick ass kid. Unfortunately, out of necessity I had to go back to work. I was a real SAHM. Not like that poser.

    So,shut up hoe. You give us all a bad rap. Get off your ass and DO SOMETHING with your kids. Go outside, get dirty, collect bugs, build a fort. Jesus tap dancing Christ, anything! Just walk away from the computer. Please.

    *phew*

    I feel better now....

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  18. Sarah - I am going to dry hump your leg for saying one of my all time favorite things..."Jesus tap dancing Christ."

    The only thing I like about today's blog is that it gave me the opportunity to be referred to a different blog.

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  19. So, back in the mid to late 90's I had a job that forced me to share an open work area with 5 women who liked to listen to the radio as they worked.

    I didn't control the radio, and everyday they would put on the Dr. Laura Schlessinger show, on which Dr. Laura took calls from people who wanted her to tell them that, although it was reprehensible when everybody else fucked up their own lives, it was okay for them because they were somehow different.

    It never went that way.

    For some reason, whenever an emo teen or a mommy-blogger submits themselves for a review here, I am reminded of Dr. Laura. I mean, honestly, I read back in the archives for a few weeks before rolling the dice for a review. And even still, I was expecting a bit of an ass reaming for my template or something...

    Just goes to prove, whenever you make a process idiot-proof, they go and build a better idiot.

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  20. This is the best review EVER!

    This bitch truly does need to get off her ass and do something. Reminds me of another blogger I know who's name rhymes with O'Neil the Real Deal. Oh wait, that's actually her name.

    Whatever.

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  21. I would rather shove myself shoulder-deep into an elephant's anus than read past that horrifying header and cute-as-a-button post-topping wedding-pic booooooooolshit.

    We are not the audience for this. So, what gives? Submitting this to us is like an eight-year-old going to a NAMBLA meeting to play frisbee: how can you think you're leaving without a distended rectum?

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  22. I am going to give you a special and IMPORTANT insight into the hateful world of SAHMS. I teach their pain in the ass at home / glowing orb of light at school and these women suck.

    The fact the true discipline takes "work" has lead them to bring me untrained, not house broken urchins. These women then go on to ask me what I am going to do about it. The other day I said, "Have you tried discipline at home?"

    She complained to the principal.

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  23. NJ: Have you met my elephant? She writes shitty erotica.

    Heather: Sadly there is a large part of the mommypopulous that believes that the father is the sole disciplinarian in the American family. Just went there. It's true.

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  24. Actually, I think there's even more moms who just think the sole disciplinarian is "someone else".

    Anyone but them.

    Elephants have trunks.

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  25. I want a round of free beers, because we both just correctly spelled 'disciplinarian'.

    Trunks? Nope. Mine writes in third person all the time though.

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  26. I love you, Heather. That is all.

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  27. Did you notice all the comments? Dozens on each post. Scary.

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  28. SHE HAS 90 FOLLOWERS. It's a fucking cult, I tell you. It's a cult of brain dead stepfordlike cutesy perky SUV-driving zombies.

    The scariest zombies of all, dammit.

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  29. After having been on both sides of this fence, I still don't get it. I went from being a single mom working my ass off just to pay the bills into a happy marriage that found me lucky enough to have a husband willing to support the family on his own once I developed an illness that has left me on my ass.
    What I don't understand is, even after being very career oriented, I have no idea how you "go crazy" by not working and staying home. Who the hell has time to go crazy? But then again, I look at my SAHM-ness as a blessing by squeezing every single thing I can into the day that I didn't get to do with them when I worked outside the home.
    The other thing I don't understand is, this blogger seems to be decently intelligent. So why she would submit that stupid blog here is beyond my comprehension. My blog totally became a mommy blog the minute I stopped working. Even in my dumbest moments, I wouldn't submit it here! She's a total attention whore, and not in a good way.
    I just don't know how anyone has that much free time on their hands. I have to get up an hour earlier than everyone just to pee and shower! That's when I blog. All my kids are in school, and I still don't have enough time to sit on the internet for hours at a time.
    Stay-at-home parenting should be considered a blessing, and it should be time used to do things for your family you wouldn't normally get to do.
    I'm just so happy yet another bitch is out there working so hard to give the rest of us this bad reputation. She can bite me, and I hope she trips over her cape.

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  30. As a mom who blogs and one who has no desire to be stripped bare and spanked with a red hot spiked verbal barb wire whip that y'all wield so brilliantly, you couldn't pay me to submit here.
    But, I love reading y'all. It gives me tingles and shivers and quivers in all my naughty and not so naughty places.
    And oh yes, there are some mommy bloggers and even some bloggers who make me want to peel off my eyeballs in layers to avoid reading them.

    I have to toss in that I adore Maria from Immoral Matriarch. She is unabashedly honest, ballsy and one bad-ass phenomenal woman, writer, mom and friend.
    That is all. I'll go back to reading and shivering.

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  31. "Sadly there is a large part of the mommypopulous that believes that the father is the sole disciplinarian in the American family. Just went there. It's true."

    Oh hell no. Not in this house. I wear the pants in this family. My son knows I dont play around. What mom says, goes. No question. And I dont even have to resort to spanking or even threatening to spank.(thats not how I roll).
    But I do think you're right to a certain degree, to many woman would rather be the good cop and make dad take the roll of bad cop. Cowards.

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  32. I've always preferred the role of bad cop, myself.

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  33. God, this post reminds me of why I hate the moniker "mommyblogger." I wrote a blurb about my youngest kid's toilet training the other day and thought I was going to have to slit my fucking wrists.

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  34. Mind numbing senseless blog, okay I expected that. What I don't get is how putting out a post in the middle of the night while my kids are in bed makes me a "professional mommy blogger" or a bad mother. Yes, I joke about being a slacker mom, but it's more a reference to my housekeeping NOT my parenting.

    I don't see why I have to publish that I've spent my morning chasing a lizard, decorating my sons classroom for Easter and prepping for this evening meal for you to get that that is just a part of my routine.

    We wanted this. We worked and saved so I could do this. I am very aware of the importance of my role, but even the dream job can become redundant and exhausting. I'm sure we've all had days at work where we've given less than what is expected of us and I'm no exception.

    I swore I'd have a good sense of humor about your review and just reply with a Thank You (I'm already regretting that I didn't) but I'm afraid you've got this one wrong.

    Bad blogger- Yes
    Bad mom- I'm doing the best I can.

    *Cheers to the role model parents that illustrated how classy they are by attacking my "untrained not house broken children" I hope that made you feel better about yourself.

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  35. @3B1M:

    From my own perspective only, you had to expect the vitriol when submitting (if you had read some reviews beforehand; if not, well then you made a poor decision).

    That said, I think your writing could use more depth, more "oomph": less mugging for the comments, more honesty.

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  36. Three: Tell me why you didn't comment until today.

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  37. I'm willing to bet she was going back and forth with herself on what to say.

    To defend oneself, or to just ignore us.

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  38. 3 boys, 1 mom:

    I don't live in your house. I'm basing my opinion about WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YOURSELF. That's all I have to go on.

    If that isn't you, perhaps you need to consider the image you are presenting to people who happen onto your blog. I"m assuming that's the reason you submitted.

    What I don't get is how putting out a post in the middle of the night while my kids are in bed makes me a "professional mommy blogger" or a bad mother.

    Is that how your kids would describe your blogging?

    Again, I'm basing my opinion of you SOLELY ON WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN ON YOUR BLOG.

    If that is not an accurate representation to you, rethink what you are posting. That's the best I can tell you.

    Harsh? Sure. Truthful? To the best of our ability.

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  39. Sci fi dad: Hell, her blog could use more WRITING. There is no freaking writing, from what I could tell.

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  40. Key, as nicely as possible, please help yourself to the steaming pot of shut the fuck up. Take a big cup.

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  41. Wow. Mean review. Really. You encourage people to submit their blogs and then flay this poor woman for having the presumption to submit a mommy blog. How DARE she? I read your FAQ. You claim to want to provide constructive criticism to bloggers in order to improve the quality of the blogosphere. Where is the constructive in this review? This is a good old fashioned super smack down, not just to this blogger but to all mom bloggers. Whatever.

    I can see from looking around, though, that mean, not constructive, criticism is sort of your shtick. So carry on, then.

    Unfortunately for me, with this review, mean is only funny when not directed so personally. Oh, and just for the record (in case you haven't already cottoned on): I'm a mom who has a blog but, despite this obvious character flaw, I do not consider myself a waste of oxygen.

    Okay slay me with your words for commenting. You know you want to.

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  42. Dear Reluctant Axe Wound:

    No one here encourages anyone to submit for review. Don't get it twisted. She took it upon herself to submit, and knew well the consequences of doing so. My mom loooooves Bobby Flay though.

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  43. Yeah. Of course not.

    Then again it says, "submit your blog" on your sidebar... Oh and then at the bottom of your FAQ it says, "Feeling brave? Submit". And right there on your header, on the far right it says, "Submit". That falls under encouragement.

    Without those submissions you'd have no one to review.

    Show me where it says mom bloggers who submit are attention whores?

    And "axe wound"? Really?

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  44. Yes, and if you click on 'submit', it tells you how to go about doing so. That is in no way a command. A quick run around this sight should give any would-be reviewees a taste of what we tear apart and what we build up. 'Feeling Brave?' is not a joke, nor is it meant to be taken as anything but a serious question.

    As for how badly this sight is hurting for blogs to review, its April and we're still reviewing blogs submitted in December. Also, 'mommy bloggers that submit here are attention whores' is an opinion, and if you look closely at this review it says that in the review. Axe Wound, stop your gushing.

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  45. heh. funny guy.

    encourage and command = different.

    axe wound out.

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  46. Bloggers are encouraged to submit only after reading the FAQ. I have a hard time believing people click over here and just hit the 'submit' without taking a good look at this blog.

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  47. Heh.

    Axe wound. Why do I find that so damn funny?

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  48. I'm glad you do, Sarah, because she didn't seem to care for it.

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  49. i'm sorry you aren't able to be a SAHM mum and spend more time with your kids - blogging or not. you know i'm mad keen to go visit this mommy blogger and say something nice to her now!

    familiar with the concept?

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  50. I'm sorry that you think that anything nice need be said to her. I'm also sorry that you feel the need to encourage shitty writing. I'm not sorry that I won't give a fuck about it tomorrow. Piss off.

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  51. I say nice things when nice things need to be said.
    I myself dont go around blowing sunshine up someones vag just because they whine a bit.

    And ghost, it was funny. Trust me.

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  52. I know it was, Sarah, and so do you. That is promising.

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  53. It's really funny how the attacking mommy blogs didn't actually read the review. I based my comments upon what the blogger actually wrote about herself, and the impression those comments created. I like some mommy bloggers, but they have brains. I can see where reluctant gash and scrappy idiot wouldn't qualify.

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  54. Seriously, I'm in a retard-kicking mood this week, and I smella ella ella a couple of fresh ones.

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Grow a pair.