Thursday, May 14, 2009

Rochelle, Rochelle

Several years ago I spent the night at a swanky hotel with that month's illicit paramour. This is of course before Miss Missives was in fact Miss Missives and got paid to leave the shoes on. I was what I would call easy but choosy and I chose right because we were up until the wee hours of the morning riding each other like roller coasters. Yes, John Mayer, my body is a wonderland.

I woke up ravenous and perused the room service menu for something good. As my eyes scanned over the poached this and frittata'd that, one magic word popped out at me, brûlée. No it wasn't the dessert menu it was breakfast, oatmeal brûlée to be exact. I was so hungry I ordered two. When it came, much like myself, it didn't disappoint. It was steel-cut Irish oats that must have been simmered in sugar and cream or half and half rather than water. It was like an oatmeal risotto, creamy, starchy, goodness. The top was covered with plump, pristine berries and the de rigueur brûlée crust that gave way as I broke through it with the silver spoon. It wasn't dessert, it wasn't breakfast, it was a little piece of post coital serendipity.

I bring this up because there is Crème Brûléed oatmeal and there is oatmeal. Rochelle over at Shoe Porn is serving up heaping spoonfuls of oatmeal, sans the brûlée, minus the fresh berries, maybe with a meager handful of bottom-of-the-box raisins thrown in.

On her first post she warns us,

this is not a foot fetish blog, please move right along.
Too bad says Miss Missives, it might liven things up a bit around there. If you want some hot this little piggy went to market action, you'll have to go here or here because Shoe Porn is pretty much just a bunch of shoes.

Now I love shoes as much as the next girl but the danger of blogging about one thing almost exclusively is you run the risk of banality. Remember, Sex in the City featured shoes as it's 5th cast mate but it wasn't the star of the show. Seeing post after post about shoes with little real passion or heart is like looking at someone else's stamp collection. Thanks, no. The unfortunate part of all this is that Rochelle can write. I don't know if she's really shoe-obsessed or maybe just felt her blog needed a hook. She may have a true passion for shoes but the shoes and the writing don't come together to form anything even remotely meaningful.

The blog design is simple which I generally like, however, for something as vivid and graphic as fashion, design is paramount. Would you marry a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutin perfection with a drab, boxy dress? Likewise, the sidebar looks like a woman who can't stop with one simple fetching accessory and instead bedecks herself with a slew of sparkles and spangle. The drop down archives are good, the About Me weak and in general, the whole thing feels terribly half-hearted.

My advice Rochelle is to close it down and start fresh. Write about living in South Africa, write about your job, your love life, even about your shoes, just not exclusively. Don't be affected or purposefully coquettish or clever, just be yourself. Because really, I think you can write but this blog is about as useful as two left shoes.

64 comments:

  1. I love shoes. I love porn. Oddly, I didn't like this blog.

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  2. I'm So Ronery
    So ronery
    So ronery and sadry arone

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  3. Awwwwright. Y'know, if that high five for mia and pear wasn't up, I bet there would be more comments on your review.

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  4. I liked the boobs on the header.

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  5. I know I've said this before: It's just so hard to comment on a "meh."

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  6. Yeah, and the zombie shoes were cool in a way only the undead can be. The header for me was a situation of over promise underdeliver, like the girl that talks big but gets all prudish when you actually get nekkid.

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  7. I'm going to start a blog dedicated entirely to my fetish for razor sharp pencils, any subscribers?

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  8. I can't believe anyone cares enough about shoes to write about them constantly. How can shoes be the most important thing to a person???

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  9. No, but yeah, I'm with you on the header. Jesus, your description reaks of well, it reaks of Mia.

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  10. That oatmeal brulee looks damn good. I'm going to be looking up recipes for that shit.

    And I have to disagree, if I had a pair of Louboutin's (which right now would have to come in like 10.5 extra wide due to pregnancy swelling, isn't that sexy?) I'd wear them with everything, including my pajamas and boxy ugly dresses.

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  11. rachie! if I got the Louboutin's I linked, I'm pretty certain I wouldn't wear anything else, just the shoes.

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  12. Ok, without all the leghumping.

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  13. mmmm the red soles. I feel hot just looking at them.

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  14. I do not know this "Loublahblah."

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  15. There was nothing about the header that lead me to believe I was going to be bored.

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  16. I once had banana creme brulee oatmeal in houston. It also didn't disappoint. This blog, however, did.

    But then, that's unsurprising because I am not so much addicted to shoes. Thus an entire blog about shoes would have generated a huge "fuck you" from me for wasting my goddamn time.

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  17. Also, I'm about done with the passive-aggressive bullshit. If someone wants to move a post up, all that is required is to change the date/time stamp. I don't give a good goddamn about whose post is on top, thus, if you move something I've done down, I'm not going to get all fucking passive aggressive about it.

    Clear enough?


    And yes, that was a fuck you.

    *crickets*

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. Just to be clear, "fuck you" in Lovebite speak means: "Knock that shit off."

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  20. It doesn't mean: "I hate your guts," "I want you to leave." It just means stop it.

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  21. I love shoes. Can't wear a lot of them because I'll fall down and go boom, but I love them. The blog? Not so much. The review of the blog? Oh, entirely.

    Miss M, I'm subscribing to the razor sharp pencil blog. Can we have guest stars? Like my pink Staedtler Triplus Fineliner?

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  22. I have to say...this blog review was glorious.

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  23. Also, is anyone else completely confused? Just me?

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  24. God, that template is BUTT UGLY, too. Someone should have killed that bastard at birth.

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  25. I am. I'm just going to lurk though.

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  26. Speaking of shoes, your mom's a whore.

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  27. I'm pretty sure that the people who needed to understand it did in fact understand it.

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  28. Speaking of shoes, did anyone find that shoe in the first post on the reviewed blog attractive, AT ALL? Because to me, that thing is HIDEOUS.

    I fully admit that I'm no kind of style maven, but what on earth would you want that thing on your feet for?

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  29. It was a zombie shoe.


    Rass - No your mom!

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  30. Zombie lovers would enjoy that shoe. Sometimes ugly is the whole point.

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  31. Zombie shoes are in. Hobo shoes are out: too much urine. Unicorn shoes, however, are coming up soon, I can tell.

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  32. Ugly should NEVER be the point of shoes. Shoes are supposed to be beautiful. That shoe is only beautiful in some kind of weird alternative ugly is the new pretty kind of universe.

    p.s. Why is it always about zombies? What about the aliens? Why don't the aliens ever get any love?

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  33. Shoes by Unicorn Jenkins.

    Yeah, Urine soaked hobo shoes will never reign.

    Ugly ass zombie shoes, for real. Nothing about a zombie is pretty.

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  34. UGH, LB, you can hang with Mr. Booms. He's all about the aliens too.

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  35. I would, however, wear Teen Wolf shoes.

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  36. Dude, Betsey, why must you always be dogging on the hobos? You and my 11-year-old have some weird hobo-fetish.

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  37. Would teen wolf shoes have fur? I do love some fur. But, only if it's real.

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  38. Basketball high tops with slash marks? Awwww yeah.

    Boomer: Nuh uh. YOUR mom.

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  39. I love that your toes would almost be sticking out of the zombie's mouth.

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  40. Fur is only acceptable if it's like, 100% Joaquin Phoenix.

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  41. I WISH my mom was a whore. It would make her more interesting, and then, perhaps, she might be slightly less uptight, and we could get falling down drunk together for a change, instead of me always biting off all of my nails from anxiety when I'm around her.

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  42. Speaking of aliens, V is coming back. http://vtvseries.com/

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  43. Jesus, my mom LOVED V.

    (She is such a whore.)

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  44. V scared the piss out of me. I do, however, love Alan Tudyk. So I'll be watching.

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  45. You know that Twilight Zone episode that it's based off of? Love that one.

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  46. and Alan Tudyk. Who has been working out, from the looks of Dollhouse.

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  47. He very much has. I think he's darling. And muscly. If he would get on twitter, I could follow him as well as Nathan Fillion and then every time they tweeted I'd get all tingly because they're talking to ME!!!

    Sigh.

    Yep, I'm 12.

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  48. Rass - Gah, Your mom.

    LB - I'm totally not bagging on hobos. I love hobos. And their pissy shoes.

    Right, Unicorn Jenkins?

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  49. Unicorn Jenkins is busy grooming her unsightly forehead growth, but yes, you're right, Patches. Absolutely right.

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  50. Don't stare at Unicorn's forehead, she's touchy about it.

    And my hobo name, Patches, is bad ass. I'm the toughest hobo around, Patches!

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  51. Rass, I didn't know it was based on a TZ episode, but that explains the pissing myself factor.

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  52. I dont have much to say about this blog, other than...

    I love shoes, a lot. I dont own nearly as many as I would like.

    I would totally arm wrestle someone for the creme brulee oatmeal.

    And I love the blogs header.

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  53. Comment not related to this blog. I submitted my blog for review awhile back. I just changed my url address because my blog may have been leaked to people who I don't want to see it. I wasn't sure where to send my new info so I'm posting here.

    OLD url: ladyfoxglove.blogspot.com

    NEW url: ladyfoxglove1986.blogspot.com

    I hope this doesn't complicate things when I'm up for review.

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  54. Also, I loved the zombie shoe. Not to wear though. I would stick it on my bookshelf beside my Max Brooks Zombie Survival Guide.

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  55. I'm being a little late on the draw having missed this entire line of, well, thought. But I do have one. Or two. Thoughts that is. First GoK totally has a hard-on for anything involving the snark of Mia and two THE V IS COMING BACK!?

    I fucking loved that series and the rat eating and little blonde girl with the lizard tongue. Heaven.

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  56. I just love it when you cuss people out LB. It's like when I was a kid and my brother would get in trouble and I would be like, 'Oh shit!' for a second until I realized no one was yelling at me.
    Also? That fantabulous oatmeal oatmeal would go quite well with pumpkin muffins. Just sayin'.

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  57. A day late and a dollar short -- I don't like shoes. and there was no pr0n to be found here.

    In short, I dinna like it. But she might rightly say I dinna get it.

    I can live with that.

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Grow a pair.