Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Eh, How About... No?

Here is the thing about today's review, there isn't going to be one. Trust me, it's for the best.

I sat down at my computer and I placed my hands on the keyboard and started to type and when I looked at the screen all I saw was:

Fuck you.


Feeling just a little like Jack Torrance, I hit the backspace, cleared my throat and started again. When I looked this time I read:

Fuck this!


And, the more I tried, the more I wanted to put something real onto the page, the more resistance I was met with. Clicking away on my keyboard, I realized I'd rather be sitting in a bar, drinking imaginary things and speaking with dead people. You see? It seems that I've got one foot out the door this morning and it's refusing to come back inside. I don't know if it's writer's block or just a lack of caffeine. I could try to force it but I felt like today's reviewee deserves better.

Her template deserves to be set on fire, but she, the writer, the blogger deserves better than I can offer up today. Mostly, because she seems extraordinarily thoughtful and I'm quite thoughtless.

So I offer up my apologies to the reviewee and to you, the reader. This review will happen. Just not today. I just don't think it's fair. Despite what some might think, we do try to offer up fair reviews around these parts.

I should probably mention that I just told the man who signs my paychecks that I'd rather just not be at work today. So it's not you, it's me. Drunken, rattling around in an empty hotel, playing with ghosts... me.

101 comments:

  1. Nice non-review there. It's good to know when you don't care enough to give the very best.

    I haven't read many posts yet, but I was frustrated by a couple of things that I think can/should be addressed:

    1. Too much crap in the sidebar.
    2. Archives buried way too deep.
    3. About Me buried way too deep.
    4. The first thing I noticed on the page was an ad for Pepto Bismol. This is not what I would consider a recipe for success.

    I'll leave the review of content to others, as I don't have time to devote to giving this a proper read.

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  2. Heh. Love the non-review.

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  3. God this template is a piece of shit.

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  4. VVD: Playing with ghosts is very dangerous.

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  5. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 11:05 AM

    I know, the template is horrible. Which given my mood, made the review not gonna happen.

    I guess that's a review in itself, eh?

    Did not want to engage.

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  6. "Playing with ghosts is very dangerous."

    I'll take this as advice from a guy who would know.

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  7. It caused my computer to freeze.

    I liked the 60's witch in the header.

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  8. I'm liking the donate button in her sidebar.

    Who the hell asks for handouts because they write a blog anyway? And do people actually donate?

    I need to do some research, and depending on what I conclude, I might just have to add a donate widget to my blog. Baby needs a new dildo.

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  9. I have to admit I'm a little put off by the "donate" button. Like Candice, I just didn't know this was an acceptable thing to do. I can't even bring myself to put ads on my blog. Not because I'm above it or anything. I mean, I like money as much as the next person. And would love to someday get paid to write. But it just feels like it wouldn't be worth it for the little bit of money I'd be making having them up. Anyway, great non-review. You can't force these things I'd imagine.

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  10. I had the ads a while back, made a few hundred in 6 months but it was so distracting and messy.

    I like blogging for bloggings sake, and maybe getting sex.

    Anything?

    Ladies?

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  11. Regarding the Donate button:

    "I just didn't know this was an acceptable thing to do."

    It's her blog. Whatever she wants to do is "acceptable" for whatever that's worth. But I'll be good and goddamned if I ever run across a blog that I think is good enough to "donate" anything besides my time to.

    I don't like the ads. I don't like the whole blogging for fun and profit aspect. None of the 'blogs' I follow are whores for the coin. (I just realized that that is a lie, as FailBlog and those sorts are whores. But they're really FUNNY whores. So I live with it.)

    If you beg for my engagement beyond just reading what you've written, you likely will put me off.

    So yeah, the Donate button is "acceptable," unless you want me as a reader...

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  12. I would like to marry Lloyd from The Shining. An imaginary bartender - the ideal man.

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  13. How about if I donate a punch to the face? Is that shit tax deductible?

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  14. The blog is WICKED smart....I hope that when you DO get back to the review that you can actually see THAT.

    Template and personal taste aside....you cannot deny these posts are damn good writing.

    http://www.slouchingmom.com/2009/07/french-lesson.html

    http://www.slouchingmom.com/2009/05/hole.html

    http://www.slouchingmom.com/2009/04/after.html

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  15. Blues, I got a coupla tax deductible fists right here.

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  16. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 2:34 PM

    Good news, no need to review guys! This blog is WICKED smart. I can actually see THAT!

    Job done.

    I'm glad it was pointed out to me. I might have been too dumb to notice otherwise.

    Going back to drinking imaginary drinks now. Because, evidently, even when you know that you need to wait to do a review because your mood is lousy, people will still tell you that you're probably going to do it all wrong.

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  17. you must be kidding me. none of the commenters is going to bother to read a post before judging?

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  18. i don't fault the reviewer, who said she was having a crap day. fair enough.

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  19. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 2:37 PM

    Hey you know, in the readers defense, it's not their job to read it. It's mine.

    I haven't done it yet. It's my job to point out what they should read on your blog to see that it's worth their time.

    They don't have to click over and immediately be in love.

    I do.

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  20. Rass, you bring a whole new meaning to the term benefactor.

    Slouchy, my comment was not really directed at your writing, just at asking for donations. I did have a look at the three posts recommended by Wordnerd. The French Lesson post read like pre-teen literature to me, but maybe that's what you were going for.

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  21. If you get a chance to read, keep reading, because there are some great posts.

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  22. For me, it's all about the writing. I love her writing - it's evocative, poignant, funny, and smart.

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  23. Slouchy, what the hell are you talking about? We're just bitching about crap-ass donation buttons.

    Note to people: Has anyone else been feeling angry lately? Lately I'm angry.

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  24. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 2:56 PM

    I'm extremely angry lately, which is why I didn't do the review today.

    However, at the moment I feel like bitch stomping all over something.

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  25. I like the other two posts, but I don't know...it doesn't suck me in. At this point I don't put new stuff into my reader unless is really wows me. Although I definitely don't think it's bad writing.

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  26. Am I smoking crack, or did she take that shiteous donate button off of her page already?

    I'll throw her a bone or two for that alone.

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  27. Rassles: Gotcha. Crap-ass donation button gone. That, at least, was easy.

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  28. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 3:01 PM

    Woah, woah... Are we changing the blog in mid-review now?

    tsk tsk

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  29. I've lost count of the number of my favorite posts of Slouchy's. She's the kind of writer who raises the bar for me, for a lot of us, over and over. Keep reading...

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  30. I haven't found any mad, aggressive, drunken, hilarious bloggers lately. Where did they all go? Or am I already reading them? ALL of them?

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  31. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 3:07 PM

    Do you ever get the feeling that no matter what the review says, people are going to complain?

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  32. you don't post a review here every day, so why post a non-review? Seems a bit passive-aggressive to me; not quite what I expect from a seasoned dominatrix. You have your own blog to write all about you and your drinking problems. (Which is it that you need? Coffee or straight up? Couldn't decide that either.)

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  33. I qould put a donation button on my blog if I wasn't so fuckin' lazy and techtarded. I think it would be great to have some extra dough and have Gwen call me a whore. And you, Slouchy, just shut the fuck up. VVDoom is a damn fine person for knowing when it's not a good day to review a blog. One more peep putta your pie hole and I'm gonna be itchin' for you to meet my pal crow bar.

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  34. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 3:11 PM

    Are you for fucking real?

    I post an apology for not getting to the review that I had intended to do today, when every bitches that it takes too long anyway, and now I'm accused of being passive aggressive?

    It's not passive aggressive. The template is fucking ugly. And honestly I found the blog to be really boring. But I thought, you know, probably my mood.

    As it turns out, it might not just be my mood.

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  35. I can't type on my BlackBerry worth a shit. Fuck.

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  36. I read the posts, and I still think the blog sucks. Instead of using big words try to not suckle from the teat of mediocrity.

    I have little patience for your teen-age angst plus 25 years.

    You do paint a picture with your word but it is the bland happy little tree of Bob Ross, god rest his queer soul.

    I will admit that if you are not a drunken tranny blogger who is regaling the reader about the crazy party where she go an Iphone stuck in her ass I just don't care.

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  37. ... because she[ ] seems extraordinarily thoughtful...

    She *is* extraordinarily thoughtful. Looking forward to the actual review.

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  38. And Im cool with the donation thingy.

    VVD, I love the idea of a first glance and after a bad feeling no review. That how the general blog reader works. Why spend hours of research to find that the blog, indeed sucks. AAYSR should charge money for a review, that would weed out a few ppl.

    Suck it geeks!

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  39. DE, I viewed it as a sign of respect to the reviewee, acknowledging that she deserved a far more attentive review than the Viv felt capable of giving.

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  40. I am currently laying on a mattress in a furniture store. I am also excessively tired and angry. I hope I fall asleep and have a good dream about beating the fuck out of somebody and then being comforted by Gwen calling me a donations whore.

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  41. "Has anyone else been feeling angry lately? Lately I'm angry."

    I woke up angry today and went downhill from there, but am now making my way up the far side of the canyon. I expect that by the time I get home from work today I may not be wielding an axe, maniacally hollering "Heeeeeere's Johnny!"

    "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to bash your fucking brains in." (That was therapeutic... :))

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  42. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 3:50 PM

    I think we're all just a little like Jack Torrance in this Overlook.

    And I don't know about you, but the dead, bloated chick in the bathtub is starting to piss me off.

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  43. She can just keep floating as sar as I'm concerned. Seriously, you can't handle a razor, stay the fuck away from the blade.

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  44. I am drink on memory foam. I am blackberry retarded. If I am asked to get off of this bed and leave this store, I will shank someone and then ask for a donation.

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  45. I'm offering free punches in the face but nobody seems interested. I guess nobody wants my charity.

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  46. Slouchy is one of my favorites. I really love her writing, it makes me try harder. I'm glad you wanted to wait to give her a fair review. Hope your day gets better, love.

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  47. Sounds like maggie dammit gets it.

    I appreciate that.

    Now excuse me while I go rid room 237 of one bloated old body.

    And for what it's worth, I have been Jack Torrance for at least three years now: http://posolxstvo1.blogspot.com/2006/06/sine-on-you-crazy-diamond.html

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  48. I used to hate those donate buttons too, but I prefer them to advertisements plastered all over the blog. I thought your post was amusing, a post about not being in the mood to post, but not fair to the blogger. The writer may not be your cup of tea, but I think you should give her props for putting herself out there honestly and not putting out the same bullshit that most commercial bloggers write. She is truly an indie artist. The Jonas have a fantastic website. That doesn't make them the world's greatest band. The sidebar is not the important part of a blog.

    I like this writer's blog a lot. I hope you give it another shot. But thank for your honesty. You have more in common than you think.

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  49. Why are there so many titty babies around here?

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  50. Yes, this is the most boring Angry Mob we have ever run across. Jesus. No shit, you love her writing, you're one of her goddamned readers. Of course you feel slighted by the review because it does nothing to validate your tastes. Boohoo. Ugh. And no, it isn't the commenter's job to read the fucking blog. If it was, there would be no use for reviewers, Mobvious.

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  51. Niel and all of the rest, I want to slap the boring off you. You truly engender my apathy.

    And Rassles is hot

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  52. I recorded an album in 1979 called Engendering Apathy.

    Suck it geeks!

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  53. I tried the donate button but it wont take food stamps.

    Can I get a review on my new favicon?

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  54. I still think VVD is the shit for being honest today. I had to leave the furniture store. No more napping in public on memory foam for me. I had a dream that some commenters were being red faced bitches and Blues punched them in the face and everyone was crying. But I didn't help because I was drunk on memory foam.

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  55. I don't personally give a rat's testicale about this blog, but these readers of this blog seriously need to SHUT THE FUCK UP pronto. Y'all are pissing me off.

    I think Slouch deserves some kind of commendation for having the most annoying cheerleaders, ever. And that's saying something, because even Key's readers don't bother me this much.

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  56. Also, seriously, that commenter DE needs a fist in the vagina. For her own passive aggressive good, of course.

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  57. Also, it appears that Neil is bucking for a fist in HIS vagina, too. Dude, put a fucking tampon in it, aight?

    I was in a good mood. Why in the fuck do these people piss me off so damn much?

    FUCK. I hate slouchy's readers, except maggie, who is of course, awesome in all ways.

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  58. I don't know if you guys know this, but I am fucking hot.

    Suck it, geeks.

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  59. Now I have the donate button up, give me money

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  60. Vivian VonDoom7/22/2009 11:15 PM

    I was all set to review this blog, but now I kind of feel like if I don't say how wonderful it is then the dork mob will chase me down.

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  61. I just love it when LB goes all 'put a tampon in it'. I makes me want to stand around behind her mean muggin' people while I'm slowly thumpin' my crow bar against the palm of my hand.
    Unfortunately, I think I would end up getting kicked out of the club because she would have to say, "Fuck MG! I said MAIM 'EM! Not KILL 'EM! Fuck! Why you always gotta be killin' fuckers?"

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  62. VVD: That "mob" doesn't scare me. Frankly, at this point, I don't care when she gets reviewed.

    This isn't a popularity contest, we don't care what your cheerleaders think, and we don't review based upon peer pressure. The end. Those who think that they are doing Slouchy a favor and helping her cause--aren't.

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  63. MG: Some people need killin. Just sayin.

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  64. Chris, I actually went to check to see if you had a Donate button up.

    You bastard.

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  65. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 10:19 AM

    "Those who think that they are doing Slouchy a favor and helping her cause--aren't."

    I'm glad to hear someone else felt this way, because honestly, it was pissing me off and then I thought, eh, maybe I'm just an asshole.

    Moral of the story is:

    Yes, I'm an asshole but so are the rest of you.

    Fuck this!

    Oh look, there it is again.

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  66. People get all defendy when there's none needed. How does an apology devolve into a slight so quickly?

    What is this bad taste, and how did it get in my mouth?

    Also, to the unknown blogger who I was supposed to review on Tuesday. Sorry! I forgot. There was penis involved, so perhaps you'll forgive me. Even though you don't know who you are.

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  67. Penis on Tuesday.

    That sounds like a great name for either a punk band or a smutty novel.

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  68. Also, the sense of entitlement of some of these reviewees....FUCK THAT.

    We do this for FUN and ENTERTAINMENT, muthafuckas. OURS, not yours. This is made very clear when you submit your blog for review. We don't get paid for this shit, and we do it when we get around to it, and however we see fit. Don't like that? Then suck it, trebeck.

    I say Slouchy is off the list. Not even joking here. Can I get a show of hands?

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  69. LB, what sense of entitlement did i show? what comments did i write?

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  70. i never had an issue with VVD. i respect her writing that she wasn't in the mood to review.

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  71. you must be kidding me. none of the commenters is going to bother to read a post before judging?

    Boo-de-fucking hoo.

    And, for the record, I wasn't talking about just you. That's why I wrote "reviewees."

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  72. yes. commenters. i'll grant you that i was surprised by their viciousness.

    but NOT VVD. not the reviewer.

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  73. You read the submission form and you're surprised by our viciousness? Bless your heart.

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  74. I must admit to being rather astounded by the stupidity of your carefully selected fan club, though, so perhaps we're both suffering from a glut of surprise.

    I mean, I don't think they're regular readers here, or they'd be used to the comments, and you didn't post a link to the review, so how did they know that you'd been unreviewed?

    Hmmm?

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  75. It appears that someone did a little private whining about her lack of a review. That sounds like a sense of entitlement to me, dear. Just saying.

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  76. OK, LB.

    waving white flag.

    obviously i read the FAQ. i wasn't talking about you or the other reviewers.

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  77. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 11:31 AM

    Slouchy, thank you for understanding that I wasn't in the mood.

    It's hard to be in the mood for this sometimes.

    I am curious how your reader knew about this though.

    I didn't see a link on your blog.

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  78. I think we all know, don't we? I'm thinking it was twittered or e-mailed to the fan club.

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  79. VVD: they didn't all know about it. i e-mailed a few people the link, because i was, yes, surprised by the easy viciousness of some of the commenters. i wanted other eyes on those comments so that i could gauge whether my reaction was too extreme. period.

    whether you want to review or not at this point is your call, VVD.

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  80. But I will continue to defend myself from accusations of entitlement.

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  81. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 11:38 AM

    Slouchy, I still owe you a review. It'll probably be about a week out, but I'll do it.

    If you still want it.

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  82. It's in your hands, VVD. If you still feel like it, I'm up for it. If you're done, I get that, too.

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  83. You know what's really funny? There WEREN'T any vicious comments posted before Slouchy e-mailed this out. I just reviewed them.

    There were comments about the template (mine being the only vicious one), and comments about the donate button and ads, but nothing even remotely comparable to our standard level of vicious.

    You have remarkably thin skin and are probably a whiny little baby, in spite of being only two years younger than me. That's my objective feedback.

    Hope it's helpful.

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  84. I say Slouchy definitely gets a review and her defense league gets a spanking.

    It's all just so silly.

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  85. Jesus. All this fuss over such a dull and ordinary blog.

    Vicious? Oh my, slouchy, why don't you take a good look back through the Ask archives.

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  86. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 12:13 PM

    LB is right, nothing got vicious until the righteous brigade showed up.

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  87. I reread my comment to find the "viciousness". I don't see it. I was surprised that people had donate buttons on their blogs. I used the word "acceptable" and probably shouldn't have. Yes, it's her blog and she can do what she's wants. I should have said that I didn't know it was done. My bad.

    Mongolian Girl - You're a whore. I know you've been waiting for it.

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  88. Meh. I see under 5 comments from this so called "supporters brigade". Except for one, all they said was go on reading the blog, it's good. What's the big deal? I love all of all ya'all but geez you guys tend to over react. How hard is it to shrug it off?

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  89. If yall would just post pics of your tits we would forget this whole boobless ordeal.

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  90. Oh! Gwen called me a whore! What kind of fantastic Thursday is this? Thanks, you poetic little tramp you.

    LB: Glad to know I won't get kicked out for killing people.

    And this? This thing that happened yesterday? I say Slouchy gets a review. An objective, clear, and awesome review. VVD can do that easily. Obviously. She's the one who called it as she saw it when she didn't think she could do it.
    Plus, I like Slouchy because she didn't get all butt hurt when I confused one of her with one of her commenters and told her to shut the fuck up.
    I think everyone should know how to be told to shut the fuck up.

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  91. WTF Chris? There's already boob pics on my blog.
    Oh...wait...sorry...that's a photo of one of my ex-husbands.

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  92. I say she's lucky she didn't get me.

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  93. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 5:31 PM

    Wait, what did Thanatos say?

    One of our "sheeple" has turned against us.

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  94. Vivian VonDoom7/23/2009 5:32 PM

    Oh and she's going to get her review.

    A fair review.

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  95. I went. I read. I left. Meh.

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  96. I keep seeing comments on this blog about how beautiful and translucent and shit this blog is, and I don't get it. I've seen great blogging and writing, mind you. I just don't consider this blog to be it. Sorry, not my thing.

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  97. I think "not my thing" should be a new rating.

    Realy

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  98. This comment has been removed by the author.

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Grow a pair.