Friday, July 17, 2009

I Think War is a Dangerous Place.*

Today's review is from guest reviewer Fontaine.
And now it’s time to play ‘Pretend!’

Today we are going to pretend that something horrible and terrible and unimaginable has happened. Now put on your little thinking caps and imagine this:

Some nut along the lines of the extra super duper Christian conservative Jeannie Bladdersham brought to us from our pal ‘WAM’ over at Can O’ Whupass, has taken over the universe.

Well, Jeannie Bladdersham and her pals, having taken over the universe, have decided vibrators are an abomination and those who use them are dirty, naughty, and un-Christ-like, and should be thrown in the county jail where they will be dealt with by those big, sweaty boys from the sheriff’s department who look a king size mattress stuffed into a brown belt.

But wait! Wait! Jeannie and her pals have decided to try to look all democratic and everything by staging a so-called ‘open debate’ on the topic before they lower their iron fists of moral conservatism down on the moaning, groaning, sweating, writhing, hair pulling, begging for more, vibrator loving masses.

Don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t be at that debate, Askers. You know you would. You would be throwing open your closets, steamer trunks, and dresser drawers. From them you would be pulling your long list of favorites:

Happy Beaver
Silver Bullet
Womb Raider
Rambone
and Forest Rump

Oh sure, it would take you a while to get out of the house after unveiling all of your favorites at the same time. I mean, who can resist? But you would do it. You would do it because you know you have to speak your mind. Because you are willing to risk it all (and a trip to see the king size boys at the county jail) for your right to vibrate! You would show up at the debate with all of your favorites and a bunch of giant signs you made in your garage by cutting poster board into giant vibrator shapes and using that old house paint to write things on them like,

“PROUD GRADUATE OF THE SCHOOL OF VIBRATING COCK!”


and

“RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN SATURDAY NIGHT BEVER!”


and

“I DESERVE TO VIBRATE MY OWN TEMPLE OF POON!”


The atmosphere would be insane! Can’t you just imagine it! Shoving your giant vibrator shaped sign into the face of some buttoned up, doughy assed, straight laced, Christ-loving, nervous Nelly of a woman and screaming,

“Keep your laws offa my body!”


Some of you, I suspect, would even go so far as to recognize the sheer horror of such women at having to be exposed to your giant vibrator sign. You would shove your sign at them and find a strange glee in the middle of it all when you realized you could make them squeal, dance, prance and cringe at the mere thought of being touched by anything resembling a vibrator.

Then, suddenly, you and the rest of the raucous crowd would come to a strange point of unity in your simultaneous silence as you realized loud speakers were pumping the voices of the debaters into the crowd. Together, you would realize you had missed much of the debate already and would come to a silent rest together to listen.

But you would be prepared. Prepared to boo and hiss against those who spoke in favor of this outrageous anti-vibrator law. To whistle and cheer and shake your giant vibrator shapes at the sky in support of those who spoke against the law.

Then you hear this:
What this world needs is less Veritas and more down-to-earth people who can argue a point without trying to hit delicate nerves by mentioning "murderers" and "rapists" when talking crime. I went in desiring to vote in favour with all my heart and ended up abstaining. This is what bad speakers bring to the political debate.

Why can't people stop using rhetoric and playing on people's fears? I talk individual rights, society, State, freedom, but I don't go into trying to promote my ideology by playing on people's deepest uneasiness.


Everyone would remain silent. No booing, hissing or shaking of giant vibrator shapes into the sky would occur. No one would shake their Bible or even be able to mutter some kind of praise to Christ. Just.Silence.

Yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of today’s reviewee, Luca, who writes Free Thinking Unabridged.

Sorry pal. It’s people like you that make absolutely nothing happen.

Here’s a few of these for making absolutely nothing happen. Not on your blog and, obviously, not in a world that, whether you like it or not, wants something it can sink its teeth into.



*This thought of the day brought to you by George W. Bush, former President

50 comments:

  1. The political blogs never seem to blow over well with anyone.

    I'm a conservative, and even I think this guy is a little over the edge.

    But if I want to get info on politics, I'll watch the news and not read this crap commentary.

    Although, the guy is a great writer.

    Good review.
    It was odd.
    :]

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  2. I'm not going to read a political blog. I'm just not. And I'm especially not going to read the blog of a Canadian.

    Call me incurious and out of touch if you will, but it's completely uninteresting to me what you think of politics, especially if you devote and entire blog to the subject. What I think, on the other hand, is fascinating.

    And now all I want to do is campaign for the rights of vibrators everywhere. Don't be a rube, use lube!

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  3. Love Bites is the politijunkie among us. I'm eager to see what she thinks.

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  4. That should be "... the POLITICAL blog of a Canadian." I'm not anti-Canada or anything. Even though I blame them.

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  5. I adore all things politics. Have since I was a kid. But you've got to give me something to sink my teeth into. Something that reveals your REAL desire or exposes the REAL desire of your opposition. This blog did not do that.
    "What the world needs is less Veritas..." My understanding is that Veritas inticates truth. If that's what we really need less of, we're screwed.

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  6. So...you don't like him.

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  7. Cal: "Don't be a rube, use lube!"
    Is it just me, or did I hear you in your garage at 3am making a giant vibrator shaped protest sign?

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  8. I'm really slow this week so I'm just going to go with:

    Huh?

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  9. You know what? I kind of like him. This Luca guy.

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  10. But I haven't gotten into any masturbation posts yet.

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  11. Rassles: I actually do like his writing on a technical level, and have interest in many of the same topics he writes about. But he takes me NOwhere. Absolutely NOwhere with his willingness to continuously fall into the position of abstention when the going gets tough.

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  12. Bill O'Reilly7/17/2009 12:09 PM

    "I actually do like his writing on a technical level, and have interest in many of the same topics he writes about. But he takes me NOwhere. Absolutely NOwhere with his willingness to continuously fall into the position of abstention when the going gets tough."

    Did you maybe want to cover this in the review? Just asking.

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  13. Betsey: Oh, you're on top of things all the time. I know - strange review. It probably thoroughly sucks. But I had to come up with SOMEthing when I found myself hunched in a stupor of "Give me something...anything..." after reading post after post that had no fire, grit, power. He never takes a stand. If you're going to have a political blog, take a fucking stand.

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  14. BillO: Not sure I understand??? Oh, and how's the intern?

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  15. No, the truth is, I'm really slow this week.

    I'm sure this review was super tough.

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  16. Betsey: I understand. And I also think the review was the best I could do - vibrators! I am actually still reveling in the idea of a protest march made up giant vibrator shaped sigage.

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  17. I'm a political junkie, but this blog is about as exciting as watching C-span.

    I went to DC a few years ago on a trip, and was given a tour of the Capitol building. This was before 9/11, and security was significantly less stringent. We were able to go onto the floor of the house and senate during the tour (the person touring us around was a legislative page).

    I remember walking into the House, and a solitary member of the house was standing at the podium, addressing a room that was utterly empty except for a couple hundred abandoned chairs. He was giving a speech on god knows what to absolutely no audience at all--except C-SPAN.

    That's what this blog reminds me of. This guy may know his subject matter backwards and forwards, but there is no spark or verve or wit to it.

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. LB, that's it. That's what it is. His knowledge is impressive, he's very sincere and fixed on his opinions.

    But like Fontaine said, there's no action. It's intelligent and well-argued and mechanical, very, "I believe this, this is why." There's no "fuck yeah."

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  20. I think political blogs should be a dish made from personality served with a side of anger.

    I don't get the 4 flaming fingers though, this looks more like a "meh" blog...

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  21. LB & Rassles: Exactly. I actually was impressed with his knowledge. I kept thinking maybe it is his age? We always think of young people being the ones who protest and turn the tide. I'm not so sure about that. The older I get, the more I have to loose. Family, home, security, stability. It may be harder to get me off to protest these days, but when I do? Watch out. It means something I've had and valued and worked hard for seems threatened and I'm going to kick someone's ass.
    I just wanted Luca to kick someone's ass. He's not there.

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  22. Than: I cannot fucking stand it when someone has such knowledge and ability to write and then refuses to use it to take a stand. THAT is where the flaming fingers come from.
    Your comment actually describes it best. Where is his personality? Where is his anger? And, speaking of where things are...where the hell is my vibrator?

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  23. I get enough politics when I visit my parents that watch Fox News all day and melt each others brains with the latest Fox-coined phrases. I don't think I have it in me to read a political blog, even if it's my own politics. I just don't know how well I get on with people that talk politics all the time. I like getting political viewpoints from people I know and bloggers I read, but all the damn time? Go eat an ice cream cone and shut up.

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  24. I like political blogs, but only from liberally biased atheist people who say fuck and have lots of sex.
    I feel more at home that way.

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  25. Are you makin' fun of me, FrancoB?

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  26. I love this blog. It has solved a big problem in my life. You see, I've been under a lot of pressure at work. Impossible deadlines. Hostile clients. Disgruntled workers.

    And I have been waking up at 3:00 am having panic attacks, and have been unable to get back to sleep.

    The subject matter in this blog is stronger than Ambien. I think I got through the first half of the first sentence before I was snoozing away.

    Thank you, therapeutic super boring political blog. The only thing better would be a blog about paint drying....

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  27. Pos: Vibrators, I've found, are also a wonderful tranquilizer. Perhaps I could interest you in the 'Forest Rump'?

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  28. What would a bear do with a vibrator? Fascinating question.

    For me, at least.

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  29. I'm always a little sad when such young people (23) have such rigid opinions. It's like everything is black and white, with no wiggle room at all. I've changed my mind and my politics a dozen times since I was his age. Maybe he should be applauded for having figured everything out at such a young age. I know I haven't.

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  30. Yeah, if I'm reading a political blog, it is very possible I am out of booze and have switched over to ether. Ugh. Loved the lead-in, Fontaine, but four flaming fingers usually warrant more than a brief explanation. Don't get me wrong, the intro was great but had a lot more thought put into it than the actually review portion of this. I'm not on a reading diet, I have a great metabolism, bigger portions for the kid with the tapeworm here.

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  31. GOK: You are exactly right. I just couldn't do any more though. Maybe next time? The fact is I kept reading and couldn't find anything inspiring under that knowledge. As Rassles said, I never found the "fuck yeah!"

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  32. Pos: I'm not quite sure other than I feel positive the activity would occur in the woods.

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  33. No, I get that, Fontaine, but for once I agree with Mr. O'Reilly. You layed down your review in the comments section here. Nutjobber pulled that off once. Once. Just something to ponder.

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  34. Well, first off thanks for the review :). I appreciate your criticism.

    I think you took particular notice of one of my posts (the one about the Veritas party) and took it to mean the whole of me. I do take stances on many issues, including moral ones. And although you've definitely seen more blogs than me, "war is a dangerous place" hardly defines one who advocates a hawkish approach to Iran and North Korea.

    As you take issue with my apparent advocacy of abstention (perish the thought), on June 9th I posted an explicit condemnation of abstention in political matters. So I admit to being cautious, at times to excess, but I am despite all an opinionated guy.

    Yes I do lack "fire, grit and power" most of the time. I haven't fully figured out my political views on all issues yet (so don't be too saddened, hereinfranklin), and I hope I never will. I want to squeeze my mind, go to the root of the issue, and possibly have those bothered enough to respond pelt me with objections (as sometimes happens).

    Posolstvo, glad I could be of service :)

    I will do my best to inject more passion into my writing. Over the past several years I've switched from socialism to populism to libertarianism, where I chose to settle and incidentally start a blog. As my confidence and resolve increase, so shall the heat. Promise! :)

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  35. Blues: no I'm not making fun of you, I really do like watching politics in a biased liberal environment. What conservatives have to say to me goes through one ear and leaves through the other.

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  36. @ Franco : Depends on which conservative you're listening to.

    There's this lingering feeling that liberal thinking is automatically more intelligent than conservative thought.

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  37. Luca: You're welcome and I'm glad to see you own up to the lack of passion. Are you sure that's it, though? I kept wondering if you're not really passionate about SOMEthing, but holding back? Too much analyzing on my part probably. Your writing is execellent. You're obviously tapped in. Why not give the finger, shed a tear, want to slap the shit out of someone every now and then? You said you want to "squeeze your mind". Might I suggest letting your heart and passion have a squeeze as well.

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  38. GOK: Yes, but Nutjobber is far more intelligent than I. His review was planned that way. Mine? Not planned. Just desperate to be done reading post after post of information with no passion. No grit. Yes, I agree, some of the review ended up being in the comments section. Some times, I suppose, it ends up being a kind of group effort around here. I'm glad for it.

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  39. Anyone ever heard of people with low self esteem who put little happy thoughts on post-it notes and put them on their mirror? I am SO going to be putting a little post-it note on my mirror that says, "I deserve to vibrate my own temple of poon."

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  40. duly noted :)

    being one who hates people talking out of their backsides or following unclear logic, I am always tempted to argue my point with quite a bit of mumbo-jumbo. I do - rarely - make a point of slapping someone: I loved writing about Michael Gove.

    Rather than "holding back", I'd call it "refining". putting out my thoughts and opinions for criticism and occasional praise, taking it all in and developing my train of thought in light of the feedback.

    Boring. But until 30 months ago I had hardly heard of the ideologies I espouse today. I suppose my caution is partly justified this far. :)

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  41. Luca, I'm on the verge of asking you to tell me to fuck off. Just for practice, you know?

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  42. Hardly any need to knowing your area of scholarship and - in depth - research :)

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  43. Luca,

    First off you are a Canadian and that's half a fag and half French. There are only 3 Canadians that I love and two are here and as soon as they reject my sexual advances I will turn on them.

    All though I share your political views I need you to be a bit more harsh. Call Ted Kennedy Uncle bad touch. Call Barby Frank the tiny goo goblin.

    You are pasty and doughy like your writing and that pisses me of because you are technically proficient and can spell polysyllabic words.

    I tattooed Rassles on my taint.

    Suck it geeks!

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  44. 9900 hits since Dec of 07? Thats embarrassing, remove that counter.

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  45. Chris: I think he should just tell Fontaine to go fuck herself. That would make me happier than anything. Well, not anything. That whole thing about tattooing Rassles on your taint send me over an edge I'm not likely to come back from anytime soon.
    SUCK IT GEEKS!

    Rassles: I'm sorry. It just did.

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  46. Hmmmmm, thats it.
    Doesn't that feel good.

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  47. Luca,

    In fairness to Fontaine, the title was mine. The question I ask you is this: Is it an accurate synthesis of your views, or irony?

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  48. Wouldn't be the first time.

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  49. this review was effing confusing. i had to read through a shitload of comments to figure out why you didn't like the guy.



    not that the comments aren't usually the sexiest part.

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  50. Sam: Yeah, I learned one little paragraph at the end could have made it clear. For some reason I thought everyone else would realize being all riled up for some good politics and then getting that Veritas speech was enough to send anyone into a flaming finger freak out.

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Grow a pair.