Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Pond Scum

Once upon a time, there was a nerdy college law student who wrote about his ridiculously stupid exploits, and got a book/movie deal.

His name is Tucker Max. And, he has one winning characteristic: he's funny. You read his stuff and you can't help laughing, even though you know you shouldn't.

Fast forward to 2009, and we find that he's inspired an entire generation of insipid, soulless clones with the ethics of pond scum, the writing skills of a kindergartener, and the classiness of Bourbon Street at 2 a.m.

Slopmaster has been writing about his ridiculously awesome life for years and years. I'm somewhat ridiculous and usually try to get as close to the line of appropriateness as possible. I'm now an expat in Africa and recently lost my virginity while here, which seems ridiculous but not that ridiculous. Anyway, I'm having lots of sex now to make up for lost time. I don't tell the girls I have sex with about my blog so I write all the bloody details.


Take one nerdy virgin with zero moral scruples or good judgement, locate him on a third world continent where he is making roughly 10,000 times the average per capita income and has no qualms about sexually harassing the hired help, and you get Slopmaster.

I am in the terrible position of reviewing a person I wish would die horribly in a fire. In fact, I would only want to read this blog if it reported on the author's death, and even then, it would only interest me for about 4.6 seconds.

Don't you wish you were me?

Oh wait.

I bet you do, because then, you'd have the chance to tell this person, in front of an audience of hundreds, that he can fuck off and die. Hopefully, an ignominous, heinous, painful death.

At the minimum, Sloppy, you alcohol-besotted pendejo, my wish for you is that you experience enough soul-scorching pain that you're forced to grow the fuck up and and learn to act like a man. If this requires you losing your dick and balls in a bus accident, so much the better.

Here's your prize:



Thanks for playing.

72 comments:

  1. I felt soiled just reading the first few posts.

    And not in a good way.

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  2. HIV is running rampant on the African continent. I'm just saying.

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  3. I don't even like Tucker Max, the First. I'm so sorry you had to waste your time reviewing Wannabe Tucker Max.

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  4. Based on this I don't think I'll bother clicking over to the actual blog.

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  5. Reluctant Housewife: Don't. I beg of you, don't. I did and I regret it. I commented previously without visiting. Now that I have, I'm disgusted with myself for giving him the traffic. He's as vapid and without qualms as indicated. Please boycott.

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  6. Ellie: I'm visiting the commenters instead...

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  7. He's posting pictures of exploited girls. Hmm, what a douche.

    I do like Tucker Max's blog, he can be
    pretty funny.

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  8. Oh, my. I didn't know slop was into masochism.

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  9. Who the fuck moves to Africa to get poonani? Why not just stay in the states and admit you are socially retarded and you wish to take advantage of those that have no choice but to sup at the teat of ass-hattery or let their family starve.

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  10. Wow. Poorly executed indeed. I'd offer him some advice, but I'd hate to waste it on a chap that obviously isn't capable of putting said advice to good use.

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  11. Gross. Gross. Just gross. I hope his dick gets bitten off by a lion and is then trampled by a heard of elephants.

    With HIV.

    GROSS.

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  12. Chris, guys like him move to other countries because the language barrier gives them about 5 extra minutes before the women realize they're complete losers.

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  13. Tucker Max is interesting because he is being himself...even if his true self is a total asshole. Nobody likes a wanna-be. It's just weird and pathetic.

    And what is up with the Seinfeld trivia? Not cute.

    Waste of infinite space...

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  14. Ugh. What a waste of breath. Talk about an ugly American.

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  15. I had never heard of this person and think I will continue acting like I still have never heard of this person.

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  16. My Indian name is dick lion

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  17. My nickname is disemboweler.

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  18. The thing I hate most from this ball-scab (new movie that I am in) is that he is boring! He is a retard Spicoli. Like Keanu with tourette's.

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  19. Allie,

    Can we get married, before you say no please let me plead my case. I have no kids, smoke as well, never drink nor do drugs. I will purchase frilly things and glitter for you as I know girls are rapt by these things.

    I have always wanted to move to MN and know nobody there. Just asking.

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  20. I don't think you gave me a fair shake. Did you read my best of posts? some of them are genuinly funny! Despite the hateful wishes, I don't think you were really THAT disgusted by it, I bet you laughed a few times. Anyway, all victi... I mean, female friends are fully aware of what they're doing (usually) and seem to enjoy themselves quite a bit.

    PS. I wear protection!

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  21. You are the worst kind of moron, the kind that was never told you are a moron in high school. You were held back a few years and could buy beer for the cool kids.

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  22. No slopmaster, you didn't get a fair shake, but why should you care? You're totally without empathy, ergo psychopathic.

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  23. I got as far as the first post. What a douche.

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  24. For the record, I didn't laugh. Tasteless, humorless, and just sad. I don't know what parents do wrong to create people like slopmaster, but they should be prosecuted for it, criminally.

    Also, let me just clue you in to something. You're PAYING your secretary/house cleaner, and she probably feels like she HAS to act like she likes your stupidity, because she needs the money.

    This is akin to strippers acting like they think they're hot when you're paying them for a lap dance. And, prostitutes telling you that you have a gigantic dick when you pay them for sex.

    Oh, baby, oh, baby, yeah. You're awesome with the wimmenz.

    Idiot.

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  25. Also, for the record, honesty is not a commendable trait when you're a scumbag. Being honest about exactly how skanky you are doesn't save you from your own depravity and idiocy.

    Jesus. People are seriously retarded these days. No wonder my daughter always bitches about her generation.

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  26. I am utterly creeped out by this sociopath.

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  27. I need people like this douche to make my brand of scum commercially viable.

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  28. If this man lived in Blighty I would be tempted to pay him a visit with my bone scissors. What a twat.

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  29. Sack Posset: we should have tea sometime.

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  30. That would be topping, Ghost. We'll have pan-fried goujons of slopmaster. Bring a napkin.

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  31. Sack: I'll bring some baked goods. I can't wait for you to try them. They're made with love and bodily fluids.

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  32. They sound divine. Literally divine.

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  33. No doubt, this batch trumps my biscotti any day of the week. Ay.

    Gap: where have you been hiding, my little needle?

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  34. I hate him on general purposes. What an asshole. Thanks for doing him, I hope your had a condom on your keyboard.

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  35. I did not use a condom, but as a mom, I have a large supply of hand sanitizer.

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  36. You know what's crazy is that I loved Key's post on having anal sex with one of his mom's friends, and yet, I hated this dude. Can someone explain my visceral hatred? I think I've tried, but I'm not sure I've fully done it justice.

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  37. LB: I think it's because Sloppy is just flat out doing it all wrong.

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  38. Yes, yes...he is. With pictures to prove it.

    This is one case in which I wish an employer would discover an employee's blog.

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  39. LB, wanna see my bone scissor

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  40. I've been hiding under the stairwell, plotting my upstairs neighbors future inconvenience.

    And lurking you gently.

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  41. Chris- ha! That was my first marriage proposal over the internets! Only instead of glitter, I prefer electronic gadgets and power tools.

    You should just move to MN, anyway, it rocks here.

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  42. Oh, and a little bit of advice for Sloppy:

    Condoms have an 87% efficacy rate in prevention of STD's when used CORRECTLY and fit properly. The efficacy rate for the average male user of condoms is about 20% lower than that. Just sayin'.

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  43. @allie

    I am 73.2% serious, I have heard that ppl in MN are very nice and to top it off you have boobs. 2 of my 4 criteria are met.

    @gap

    Remember that song "lurking you gently with his song"?

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  44. Well it's obvious he's aptly named himself. Slopmaster. Even though I'm sick and fucking tired of these undeservingly cocky, not funny, and poorly written fucking blogs, at least it's not another mommy blog.

    I would rather read this than another mommy blog.

    But, I would rather shoot myself in the foot than read this, so...

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  45. Seriously, am I allowed to be angry at people for being unfunny?

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  46. Ok. So I read a few posts. And I was unmoved.

    Not moved to laughter. Not moved to hate or hostility. Not moved to much. I've known lots of guys like him.

    See, here's how I look at it -- IF this guy isn't all talk, this shit *will* catch up with him. In his waning years, which will be in his forties, I wager, he'll be that pathetic fat drunk at the local watering hole telling stories about all the pipe he layed during his years in Africa to anyone who'll listen. And people will walk away asking "You think he's for real? Or just delusional?"

    He'll walk home to his empty apartment, take that bottle of Popov's to bed with him, and watch porn all night.

    Kinda sorta not the life I have chosen to lead. Kinda sorta not the kind of person I am raising my kids to be. Kinda sorta not the kind of person I choose to be around.

    So maybe I'm moved to some form of pity. Not sure what this feeling is.

    For now, yes, I think that it is pretty telling that he acknowledged that this behavior would not have been tolerated if he were in the states. Moral compass FAIL?

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  47. Pos, I'm with you on that. I almost feel sorry for him, and that makes me angry. And I feel sorry for him because...because he thinks he's funny.

    Now I'm angry again.

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  48. I think that this guy is very much like the people on American Idol who can't sing. But somehow, somewhere, they've gotten the idea that what they're doing isn't the hideous screeching caterwaul of a rabid alley cat, but something tuneful and good. Their reality is distorted, and quite frankly, WRONG. Hideously wrong.

    And what they really needed in their lives was one single solitary person to say, "hey, what you're doing here...it sucks. Badly. Stop it."

    That's my special gift.

    I don't hate this guy, I don't have any special feelings about him one way or another, but what he's doing on his blog is repulsive, and he should stop. And, if he's really doing these things in his life, he's seriously going to be fucked at some point, it will catch up with him, and karma will make him her bitch.

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  49. I honestly i'm starting to feel some remorse... is all this really that bad? I'm really going to think about what I'm doing.

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  50. I didn't even take this shit seriously, like it's real stories told from a joking perspective, with a little humor. It's just really not funny.

    Fuck, I hate being mean, but Slop? If you want to play the asshole that's fine, but instead of a funny, slightly charming asshole, you're coming across as a dirty fuckhead.

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  51. Some people will tell you that what you're doing is wrong mostly because your presentation lacks style.

    I believe that what you're doing is wrong because it's truly vile and destructive. Then it gets worse: you're posting photos of people without their consent.

    Everything about what you're doing stinks of vomit.

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  52. The irony of this blog getting on ANYONE's case for immorality is so profound that I'm almost speechless. But yeah. As tawdry and tacky and horrifyingly inappropriate as the comments section and reviews on this blog are, we still have some ethics.

    You've apparently transgressed what little shreds and rags of ethics we have.

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  53. I would only think this site is a big joke if it were actually funny. It's this kind of shit that makes me contemplate the merits of lesbianism.

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  54. Shut up, Allie is about to turn

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  55. No shit LB, this dickhole made the devil cry

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  56. I don't get all the anger thrown at sloppy. He is just a typical male jerk that views the world through his dick.

    You can learn things about human nature from dicks...

    His blog wasn't that funny, but it wasn't like he was pricking six year old's with AIDS needles.

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  57. I just don't find misogynism all that funny. Call me crazy.

    And his level of disdain for women, and especially the women he employs or who populate what he perceives to be the lower echelon of society, is repugnant.

    I saw somewhere on his site that he wants to join the Peace Corp. If this isn't just sarcasm falling flat, I think he should. Maybe then he'd have more humanity.

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  58. I don't get all the anger thrown at sloppy. He is just a typical male jerk that views the world through his dick.

    Wow. You know, I've spent my entire career as one of the only women, surrounded by a bunch of horny, disreputable, testosterone-frenzied guys (cops). And yet, none of them exhibited the lack of taste that Sloppy did.

    You heard it here first: Sloppy acts worse than a bunch of cops and military guys.

    Shockers.

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  59. That's really saying something, LB.

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  60. Let's see here. The blog reeks of exploitation, misogyny, sexual harassment and completely lacks humor. Of course, the humor would have to be pretty spectacular to redeem the blog from the other crap it wallows in.

    Hope this guy catches one of those bugs that crawl up the dick and live there forever.

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  61. That's really saying something, LB.

    I know. They're like a bunch of overgrown frat boys.

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  62. Sexual harassment and misogyny are fucking hysterical, provided the joke is on the aggressor.

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  63. He is just a brainless idiot.

    Although I would definitely recommend the women in his family not to spend anytime in proximity with him.

    You never know, considering everything else he seems to have done.

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  64. Rassles,

    That reminds me of a story. I'll have to write about it on my private blog.

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  65. I'd like to punch him in the throat, the pig ignorant cunty little bastard. What an utter twat of man.

    Most excellent review.

    (I'll go back to lurking now.)

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  66. @Calamity: He *IS* in the Peace Corps, which makes his writing about scoring sex with tons of supposedly "stupid/gullible" W. African women even more despicable. Hopefully, he really sees what an unfunny douche he is.

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  67. I hope he get pee-hole fire, which is the name of my new book

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  68. Not funny. At all. Not even a little bit. Stupid, disgusting, and ignorant. Period.

    What a fucking loser.

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Grow a pair.