Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My skeertuig is vol palings*

The other day a friend and I went to see "Julie & Julia," a sweet little film about a culinary giant and some girl who turned her whiny little blog into a book (and then into a movie). During the film, my friend turns to me and says, "Someday I'll say I knew you when you had a blog." I scoffed, "It doesn't happen like that anymore." And it surely won't happen to me and my sorely neglected little exercise in self-indulgence. But the thing is, as Madame pointed out recently, everyone and their mother and sometimes their cat has a blog now. The field is saturated and glutted and just overrun with folks wanting to be heard above the din.

But what's worse than all those mind-numbing and misspelled and mordant (although I kind of like that bit) forays into blogging, those wastes of space, those narcissistic little microcosms, are the ones who could be so much better but just aren't. Stu strikes me as one such.

He has the ugliest template ever. I wanted to click away immediately. The ads are sucking my will to live. It looks like a spam nest run over by a train wreck with gobbets of banality strewn across the pavement of the blogosphere. I mean, look: He made me use the word "blogosphere." Jesus lord, there are no dates on the posts! Where am I? Also, the whole shebang sometimes gets all wonky with the archives and crap moving under the post.

Just scrap it. It's total crap. It is a hinderance to your writing. It couches your blog in the most off-putting way. Find something simple, roll up your archives, get organized, and for shit's sake put a date on your posts. Stu, you don't need a tab for "blogging." The whole blog should kind of be for that, right? And that header image? That's the header image of a total douchebag.

Stu, your title is so annoying I want to rips its wriggling little guts out. I mean, fuck me sideways, there are ellipses in the title. In the title! I hate it on principle. And merit. And anything else I can hate it on.

But go check out his "About" page, which is really just his Blogger profile (dude -- don't do that). He sounds interesting, right? Ninjas, the word "hogwash," Aston Martins? Well, you never would have guessed from looking at his shit storm of a blog.

Guess what? A "belter" is apparently a hot chick. Just FYI. Learn something new every day. I thought it had to do with people who can really belt out a song, like maybe Babs. But no. Hot chicks. How original. Although I'm pleased to report that the brunettes seem to outstrip (that might have been a poor choice of words -- or a perfect one) the blondes.

Something else I learned? South Africans say "y'all." I can't quite wrap my head around that.

Look, the guy's entertaining enough and he's kind of funny, but do I really need to read another site where a guy drools over hot girls, hot cars, and moderately funny things posted elsewhere on the web? No. No, I don't. And neither does the rest of the world. It's not until about three months into the blog that we get an actual post with more than a paragraph or two from Stu without a picture of a hot car or a bikinied babe or something pilfered from somewhere else. And, you know, aside from some sloppiness and ellipses overkill, it's actually amusing.

Stu, Stu, Stu... cut the crap. You're an amusing guy and your voice is engaging, but you lose me with all the extra nonsense you pepper into your blog. It's useless, overdone, and it completely undermines your genuinely likable writing. You can do better. Strip it down, tune it up, and get real. I stopped reading after about four months because I had to wade through all the flotsam and jetsam of Internet wreckage to get to YOU. And you're lucky I got that far.

You get a flaming finger because you are failing to live up to your potential and your template sucks hind tit. Clean it up, start actually writing, and I might reconsider. You've got something -- you're just hiding it. Stop.






*My hovercraft is full of eels. (Afrikaans)

21 comments:

  1. Touché. I'll consider myself told off.

    No matter what I try, my template refuses to show the date of the posts, but as for everything else - fair enough.

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  3. I opened the BIQ(blog in question), and was greeted by "Stu's take on...." and closed the window without reading a word.

    Fuck your "crazy" or "skewed" take on things.

    Entertain me interweb monkey, entertain me!

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  4. You know, Stu, pointing out that things exist and throwing in an expletive and an exclamation point isn't exactly giving us your take on things.

    Unless you just walk around yelling obvious things at people.

    I LIKE SHAKIRA!
    WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GOOGLE THIS?
    DAN BROWN WROTE A BOOK!

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  5. Stu, you really can't consider yourself told off with that review. I had at least a few complimentary things to say.

    For the date stuff, get a new template. Any decent one will show your dates.

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  6. I didn't even find it engaging. It feels like I'm reading the blog of the "hey, did you hear about?" buy in my office that I don't like to talk to.

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  7. This is Cal's meanest review to date. I love it. Also, Stu is kinda hot.

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  8. Cal is incapable of being completely mean. That's what I love about her.

    Cal you were dead on about the header screaming doucherydoo. Although perhaps it is telling and I have to appreciate that -- it immediately informs me that I don't want to read the blog.

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  9. Doucherydoo.

    aklfj;lkaj;sdkljfsdklj

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  10. Today when I was jaywalking I tripped on some gobbets of banality strewn across the pavement. Skinned my knee and spilled my large Diet Coke with lime from Sonic.

    Also, of course he says y'all...he's from SOUTH Africa. (sorry, couldn't help it.)

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  11. Beyond just liking the name "stu", I thought the "belter of the week" feature was a pretty sophisticated touch.

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  12. Nuh-uh. I've been way more mean. It's just been a while. I can't help it if I have a high threshold for bullshit.

    http://askcalamity.blogspot.com/2009/01/dear-diary-my-teen-angst-bullshit-now.html

    http://askcalamity.blogspot.com/2008/10/dont-mess-with-bull-young-man-youll-get.html

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  13. Dammit, Cal, why you gotta be such a raging bitch?

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  14. Did someone say "Calamity's mean reviews"? I still rock myself to sleep sometimes.

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  15. Only one finger? As a humor blogger, I hopped over there thinking I'd understand; I'd be more sympathetic. Sadly, no. The current post about Goggle search results is the comedian's equivalent of "Hey, I just flew in from (whatever pathetic town) and boy are my arms tired." The latest Lamborghini, butt-of-the year girl...all things I would have been right on top of in high school but just aren't witty enough for me at this juncture. Sorry Stu, if there was potential in there, I never made it far enough to see.

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  16. Look. I'm all in love and happy and crap. I can't be expected to get all die-die-die!, you miserable excrement-covered blogger, DIE! when I'm suffering from perma-grin, can I?

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  17. The header and the top three posts were enough for me.

    Straight-up gone.

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  18. I thought the blog was rather good. Then again, you guys basically trash every blog you review, so nothing new there.

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  19. Umm...Rachel...you're just trying to stir up shit, right?

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  20. Rachel can suck my balls!

    Call me?

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Grow a pair.