Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The Sham-Wow-ization of Our Lives

So I'm all excited because I'm asked to review a blog, which means that if it's an amazing yet underexposed blog I get to recognize it and let the world know. It's an amazing feeling. That's how Marco Polo must have felt! So I say Yes and wait for the link. And then I get this shit: The Sham Wow of the blog world.

I wouldn't say sites like these ruin blogs. It's like saying The Shopping Channel ruins television. Well, there's room on my TV for HBO, Comedy Central, Rachel Maddow, and Tova's latest scents, so what do I care? I've never bought anything from QVC and I never will.

But why did Amy ask to be reviewed? Just to get the added link? Just to get more people to visit her site and maybe buy some shit? Just for the chance that someone here mistakenly clicks on an ad?

Probably. But it's actually even worse than that. Amy is not just a harmless Sham Wow saleswoman. She's not another Tova. She's not the Video Professor. She's not Billy Mays, Alav Hashalom. See, unlike these people, power to them, Amy's giveaways come with personal stories. She's selling us water coolers while telling us about her elderly Nana. She's selling us some fucking towels while telling us how she was afraid her kid had H1N1. She sells us MOR shitty music while inserting some random family stuff: "My mom likes him, I like him, and even Lovie is pretty crazy about him. He's young but soulful, energetic but smooth." Like my butt!

Maybe it's me. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm wrong to think that whoring the story of your child's H1N1 virus just to get a free set of wipes is evil. Not Nazi evil, just internet evil.

And you know, there's no reason to be too rough with Amy. It's not like she's trying, after all. You don't complain about the acting and the dialog on QVC, so why should I complain about this site? Good luck to you, Amy. I hope the freebies you get to write this shit fill your heart with joy and laughter, I hope Nana is okay, and I hope Lovie gets to see that dude play live one day.

(Oh, and of course you don't really care about this review--only about your ads. So I'm going to Make Mom Happy and click on some of the shit you're selling. You're welcome.)


  1. I think you nailed it when you said that you don't complain about the acting on QVC.

    I don't know if it would bother me more if a blogger occasionally whored themselves out, you know, kind of sneaking it in, or if it would bother me more if they whored themselves out all the time.

    Then there are those who are just so fucked in the brain by consumerism that they do infomercials when they aren't even getting any money for it.

  2. I really liked this review. I don't know who you are, but I have to say, love that "cut right to the fucking chase" no nonsense approach.

  3. And now I have taken it one step further and found out who the reviewer is, and have visited the site under review.

    And all I can say is -- People in the Sun -- Thumbs Up. Happy Mom Amy ... not in my target demographic.

    She sounds so damned cheerful. Like someone who would greet you at the door with a peppy "Wouldn't you love some Arbonne facial creme? It makes me feel so HAPPY!"

    True fact: I worked at TGIFridays for one day. I quit as soon as I realized that the only way to make that job work was to pretend that you were happy to see everyone. And, you know what? I'm not.

  4. Someone submitted a product review blog for review?!?

    I mean, it's a perfectly serviceable review blog, probably a bit long-winded honestly (I mean, if I want to know about a bottom-loading water cooler I don't need 13 paragraphs about it - not including the giveaway stuff - I need maybe one or two). She needs to tighten up if she wants to be an effective source of reviews.

    But why did she ask for a review HERE? Between the warnings and the url she should have known better. I think she got off easy, considering how badly some of the other reviewers would have gone off on her.

  5. I would now like to light my hand on fire and add it to the flaming finger photo.
    Blech! That blog sucks. You nailed it POS.

  6. Madame, so I can't complain, but still... She could do a giveaway blog without using her fear of her daughter contracting a deadly virus just to sell me towels, you know?

    Posol'stvo, thanks! And thing is, I've been going through some changes I don't care to fight anymore: I'm happy reading mommy blogs now. And not just the funny sarcastic ones. I can look at baby pictures and be happy. So I was looking forward to reviewing a mommy blog, liking it, and making everyone here angry. But this one was really the lowest thing on the internet.

    And she's cheerful because she sells stuff. She sells us the "This shit will complete you" we spend our adult lives running from as soon as we discover this lie when we're sixteen.

    SciFi Dad, in my other-other-other blog, I've met a mother who does a giveaway blog. And it's really all straight to the point. "You want this? Then do that. Good luck." And it's not my thing and it's not a blog, but it doesn't bother me. It's a recession and all. But this one... Imagine the Sham Wow guy getting his grandma to clean counters. That's what this blog feels like.

    MongolianGirl, thank you. And good luck! If only you could wash your burning hand using a bottom-loading water cooler!

    And... I don't know if I would personally go with POS...

  7. I love POS' cat suit.

    I would have liked him to have used the blog under review as kitty litter.

  8. lollllllllllllllllllllllllhmhahahahahahahahahaha at this review and asjfaksjfasfasdflolllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeee at that blog.




  9. Now that could work! I'll light my hand on fire, give the blog under review the finger, and then save myself further trouble by putting the flames out with my brand new fancy schmancy bottom loading water cooler.
    You're a genius POS, PITS, POTS, P...

  10. It is what it is.

    Although I like in the "About Me" section she writes "I am learning everyday how to love my God and am loving every second."

    But I feel like it should be followed by "And you know what helps me bring my children more in touch with God? The Kaboost! This amazing new product gives the kiddies a little extra lift toward the heavens during mealtimes, bringing them that much closer to the Lord during dinner prayers. So pick one up TODAY!!"

  11. This makes my testicles recede back into their cavity. And yet, she has 386 followers. How can that be? Good Christ, I hate mommy blogs. It’s beyond awful and the reason why blogging gets a bad rap.

  12. I could sit here and tell you all how much I may/may not hate Amy's blog, but that would involve me agreeing with the reviewer and I don't believe Satan is in the market for a new parka.

  13. I call him Peeps. 'Cause that's ma Peeps in the Sun. And I also loved this review.

  14. Can I please be excused from having to address you as Admiral Ghost? I'm going to continue calling you Ky.

    Mmm nice cat.

  15. I positively adore AAYSR but this review was especially fun because I sensed some divine revelation or perhaps retribution when Madame Bellicose assigned this particular blogger to this awesome guest reviewer.

    Could there be any closer divergence of alternate realities. I say not.

  16. I know, Gap. How can I be expected to call Key anything other than Key?

  17. Now that was a damn good review! Spot on...

  18. I wouldn't put the title in front if I wanted it to be ignored, ladies.

  19. Sylvia Wrath12/11/2009 6:04 PM

    I hate when people try to sell me shit, whether it's someone on TV or a pushy perfume saleswoman. But I have a whole new level of hatred reserved for bloggers who attempt to sell me shit with their manipulative, personal stories. I refuse to read a blog that is basically a thinly veiled advertisement. I agree with the commenter who said that these types of blogs are the reason blogging gets a bad rap.

    Great review!

  20. Oh for crying out loud, ky.

    Oh sorry. Admiral Ghost Ky, SIR YES SIR.

  21. PS, "Admiral" Ghost. I don't know if I'd rather be the arm being bitten by the cat or the cat biting the arm. It's truly a toss up.

  22. Ellie, thanks! You know those annoying people who dress up their Pit Bulls for Halloween? That's me. Gingee didn't want to wear her cat costume because she has self-respect, so I ended up wearing it.

    Gap, thanksssssssssssssssssssssss.

    MongolianGirl, if only you had some cloth wipes to dry your wet hands...

    DaddyFiles, wait, I didn't see that About section. I see an About section on her Blogger profile and that Fine Print section. Did I miss it? It doesn't matter. This blog needs a Kaboost up its ass.

    The Unbearable Banishment, I can do mommy blogs, but this here is a cult. And she gets people to leave comments and to follow her on Twitter because that's how they get to join the Kaboost raffle.

    Admiral, You're the Harvey Keitel to my Keith Carradine.

    Madame, thanks! And thanks for letting me do that.

    And thanks, everyone else.

  23. That there was real laughter. Real gut shaking guffawing. Your review got even funnier when I clicked through to her site.

    Now I see it appears she's updating the date on her most recent post. It got funnier again. Updating the date makes no difference to Google and it sure doesn't compel me to buy anything.

    Ok, it got funnier. Her top ranking keyword is "nummies bra twitter", which has zero searches per month.

    I dunno...maybe it's me. I'm off to keyword my blog for nummies bra twitter right now.


Grow a pair.