Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Oh Very Young What Will You Leave Us This Time?

Hello Askers, Miss Missives here. Now before you get too excited about my return and soil your pretty little knickers, let it be known that I am only here doing Madame Bellicose a favor. She is one brooding broad but while Miss Missives lay ravaged on her tattered velvet chaise longue nursing a mighty malaise, Madame B. took over her workload wielding that whip from her hand like she was born with it. Now there are clients asking for her by name--that devilish Iron Maiden. Still, I'm glad to be back brandishing red pen and trusty paddle.

Speaking of paddles, today's victim needs to be put over my knee toot sweet. If Chamuca's life had an accompanying required reading list, it would read like this:
Doing Nothing: A History of Loafers, Loungers, Slackers & Bums in America
The Underachiever's Manifesto
How to be Idle: A Loafer's Manifesto

Lazy Daisy
What Your Poo is Telling You(I threw that one in for good measure just because I care.)

Chamuca is lazy. I don't mean lazy like a Sunday morning, I mean lazy like a slug on Quaaludes. Slow and steady can actually win the race but dear, you have to at least put your shoes on and step away from the idiot box. Oh Chamuca, I bet you didn't think you were going to get the mom treatment from Miss Missives today but darling, I whip because I care.

Sometimes Chamuca's writing reminds me a bit of Richard Linklater's Slacker, more characters, less narrative. She even employs the odd but no doubt fitting monikers like Uncle Ponytail Bachelor, Uncle Fighting Illini, Masturbating Cousin and Three-Finger Jack. If Chamuca was a character here and not the author, she'd probably be called Girl Who Refuses to Reach Her Potential. The fact is, Chamuca is a talented storyteller and an adept, if a bit lazy, writer.

She retches her stream of consciousness onto the page and at times it's too meandering for my liking but she has a strong point of view and a decidedly wicked, funny bent. Her writing suffers the most common malady of even great writers, a lack of editing. Now I don't want to scare Chamuca into over-thinking her posts because she posts regularly and sometimes not over-thinking is what gets the job done. Still, if she spewed it out and then went back and cleaned it up later I think it would be so much more engaging.

Chamuca, you are hilarious, candid and yes, a bit of a whore you brother-fucker but you can write the shit out of a story when you pull it all together. Stop giving us everything and just dole out the good stuff. Look at something you have written and keep the broad strokes but eliminate the filler details that don't move the narrative forward. A little of the stream of consciousness is good because that is part of your voice but you need to do some literary Kegels and tighten that shit up.

As for the template and other such nicities, you get a resounding fine. Your template is simple and uncluttered, keep it that way. Your archives are in the preferred drop-down format which makes it easy to go roaming about. You also have a search feature that made it easy to look up what I needed, thank you. Your Blogroll is small enough to be meaningful though you might consider moving it to a tab on your Header.

And Chamuca, if you are going to work for a pittance, dear, fuck Olive Garden okay? Go get yourself a job where you either have time to fuck off and write or a lackey admin job where you can at least make enough money to be able to have casual sex without worrying that your lack of health insurance will make the accompanying vd unaffordable. Stop telling prospective employers you were shit-canned and put that pretty little storytelling mind of yours to good use.

For your work, taken as a whole you get:

With a promise of an IFuckingLoveYou if you tighten up.

For having to dig a bit to find the really good stuff, you get:


  1. Is it possible that Chamuca is Rassles in disguise? Could there really be two people out there crushing on Alexander Hamilton?

  2. Obviously, I noticed this was up immediately. I'm a lazyass with nothing else going on. Hell, it's 6pm where I'm at and I'm still in my pajamas.

    I take you spankings willingly, since I both deserve them, and because I like it rough.

    I am incredibly pleased with my review. I was convinced I would get a flaming finger, so you made my day.

    Thanks for taking the time to review me, and for taking to time to search me out, after I changed site addresses.

  3. HAHA, no, I'm not Rassles. We both have a crush on Hammy, and are the same age, but she's a much better writer than I am.

  4. I love Chamuca's photoshopped pictures and when I first read it, some of the details were eerily reminiscent of Rassles so at first maybe I thought I had found Rassles super secret blog. Doesn't Rassles also have a thing for Scott Bakula?

  5. I would be more inclined to believe she was Rassles if she stated 'I am awesome' more often.

    I could not agree more with this rewiew. I almost loved 3 of the suggested links, and wish she would give us more of them.

  6. First of all, I would like to say that How to be Idle is a brilliant piece of work.

    Secondly, I heart Chamuca. Because I am awesome.

  7. Oh, and regarding Scott Bakula, I've never had a thing for him. Don't get me wrong, I love the shit out of Quantum Leap, but he's all Chammy.

    By the way, Chamuca? From now on you're Chammy. Sor.

  8. That's right, it's not Scott Bakula they have in common, it's beer.

  9. I found this review so utterly satisfying to read. I'm just licking my lips over here.

  10. Where's Ghost when you need him to take an innocent statement and turn it into a sexual invitation??

  11. This was so good that it almost made me want to write a review. Almost.

    Actually, though, it's really kind of a pleasure to watch other people do reviews, and do them so well.

    Ah, you people, how I love you.


Grow a pair.