Tuesday, February 23, 2010

HELL

People in the SunThe sad thing is that working in a restaurant should get a blogger some great writing material. A diner sits there and tells another person what he wants to eat. In this strange pseudo-Feudal world of dining, that person now has to go to the back of the restaurant and make sure the customer gets what he ordered, then bring it over to his table. Now, the diner doesn't even raise his head to acknowledge the waiter because he's talking to his wife about Tiger Woods or he's tweeting, "I'm in a restaurant. HUNGRY!!! LOL." Then at the end, he gives the guy some cash while loudly complaining to his wife that the waiter should have paid more attention to his table and that the pasta was sticky.

And here we have a blog, Even Idiots Order Pizza, that's all about making fun of this absurdity of the service industry, where for a short moment people get to DEMAND others give a damn about them. Unfortunately, the blog fails.

And I don't want to be mean here, Sam. Unfortunately, though, instead of identifying with you and telling myself, "Can't these people see there's a human being behind the notepad and under the food tray? Can't they sense a soul on the other end of the line?" I see you as a condescending whiny prick with nothing to offer but your own published self-delusions.

Let's go through the first page.

A woman calls Tech Support with a question. Sam is being an ass about it. The End.

Then, back in the restaurant, some people ask to split the check. Apparently they do it in a complicated way, although we're never told what they really wanted to do, because Sam is more interested in being a wise-ass: "Turns out I was supposed to take a tip out somewhere and do a handstand and summon the rain gods and do their taxes. Federal and state."

Next, some guy orders a small pizza, NOT REALIZING IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY BIG! Ha! Thank God you have a fucking blog where you could write this shit!

Oh, fuck it. I'm not going any further down the page. I will do a quick search in the archives to see if there's anything good...

He's waiting on an old deaf guy who can't hear him, and then he makes fun of him. A woman enters the restaurant and asks about the beverage selection, so he describes her as an idiot. Well, looks like I've read everything I needed to read.

OK. Look. I could give you some tips about the blog. I could say the template is simple and nice, but you should probably fix the date thing on the left. And I could tell you that no one cares about labels. No one is going to say, "I wonder what his SNIPPET label is like!" You have a links tab with only one link. Whatever. Your blog is not your problem. Your life-choices and your attitude is your problem. You live in Hell, and the sad part is that you've found your way there all by yourself. And as much as I appreciate a person pointing out the absurdities of modern-life, your blog fails to do that, and worse--it only helps you stay in your Hellish self-imposed exile.

Maybe you're just very young, and subconsciously you think that being a jerk helps you distinguish yourself. Maybe you feel like writing your blog makes you better than others. Young people tend to do that. I was like that in my early twenties. High five! And look at that: I didn't go far enough in the blog to find out anything about your personal life. I don't know how old you are, where you live, what your favorite movie is, your favorite color, band, time of day, season, football team, and yet I know you live in Hell. You're burning in a lake of fire and you don't even know it. Your hatred consumes you, and you pretend to like it. You make fun of deaf people because you feel invincible, not knowing you've already suffered the worse tragedy a human being can suffer: the death of your soul.

21 comments:

  1. "Dude, you're hilarious. You should totally like write a blog."

    I blame the co-workers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I commend the reviewer for conducting an attempted asshole intervention. Let's hope it works.

    ReplyDelete
  3. p.s. there is a reason that this person is working in low level service jobs in two places. His attitude sucks, he doesn't understand anything about customer service, and his personality is a fail.

    p.s. blogger should read Professor Scott Galloway's e-mail and apply it to his own character.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Quoting relevant sections for truth:

    xxxx, get your shit together.

    Getting a good job, working long hours, keeping your skills relevant, navigating the politics of an organization, finding a life/work balance...these are all really hard, xxxx. In contrast, respecting institutions, having manners, demonstrating a level of humility...these are all (relatively) easy. Get the easy stuff right xxxx. In and of themselves they will not make you successful. However, not possessing them will hold you back and you will not achieve your potential which, by virtue of you being admitted to Stern, you must have in spades. It's not too late xxxx...


    A well-written smackdown is a beautiful thing. I'm happy I encountered this e-mail which has apparently gone viral this week so I could proffer it to this (likely piss poor) employee that I wish I could fire, personally.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can understand having a shitty attitude as a server and getting sick of customers and their idiocy, but these aren't even like, ridiculous things. These are just little mistakes that people have.

    I mean, it's not fucking like someone sat themselves in a busy section on a Saturday night, demanded shit that's not on the menu, drank a shitload mixed drinks and then didn't fucking tip.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Because then? Bitch away.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I mean, it's not fucking like someone sat themselves in a busy section on a Saturday night, demanded shit that's not on the menu, drank a shitload mixed drinks and then didn't fucking tip.

    You just described my typical weekend. But you left out the exorcist style puking.

    ReplyDelete
  8. When I was serving in college, this couple came in, woman complained about everything, ate half of her first entree and then said she didnt like it. I gave her new one, got each of them a free cocktail on us because she had to wait 5 minutes for her new entree to come, I even comped them a dessert... Her husband was very nice through it all, almost apologetic for his wife. He paid with credit card and left cash on the table, looked like about eight dollars, a five a couple of ones and some change. They went to go get their coats and wife went back to table when husband was in bathroom and picked up all the bills and some change but left me 2 cents, like her two cents worth. While her and her husband were standing there getting ready to leave, I walked up to her, told her she left something on the table and gave her the two cents back.

    It was worth no tip that night to see how pissed that dude was at his classless wife.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm guessing he's trying to be the next Steve Dublanica at waiterrant.net.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @formerly fun

    That lady was a douche. Awesome what you did, though. Man, I feel sorry for her husband.

    ReplyDelete
  11. mongoliangirl2/23/2010 4:23 PM

    This blogger is just the kind I'd person I hope to encounter when I'm in the mood to order one large pizza with all kinds of ingredients that are not on the menu and then tell him I need it cut into exact 1.6 inch squares because of a serious psychological condition that will cause me to weep uncontrollably if it's not.
    It just so fun knowing pussies like him want to throttle me, but are afraid to.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Formerly Fun -- love that story.

    I used to deliver pizzas way back when a regular pepperoni, delivered, came to $5.89. There was a guy who lived at the very far reaches of our delivery area who would order a pepperoni pie, and be waiting at the door with $6.

    After three months of this, I was on my last night before heading back to college when I got a delivery to his house. Sure enough -- another $.11 tip.

    I handed it back to him and said "If that's all you can afford, you need it more than me."

    [insert obligatory pity laugh here]

    ReplyDelete
  13. It feels as though he's trying to be like Ryan Reynolds and Justin Long in the movie "Waiting."

    Except those guys were hilarious.

    This has a much more mean-spirited take, and while I know some customers deserve it I thought the deaf guy post was really bothersome. The guy can't fucking hear and he's asking you what you said so he gets the right food. How is that blog fodder?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I was bored. This had such potential to be an interesting blog; more of let's focus on all the intriguing people that come in. Then I read the post where some girl asked him to help her with her assignment and he was actually pissed off at her; I think most guys out there would've used that opportunity to score with her instead...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Do the Idiots know their review is up?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh yea... I just left him a comment now. It's good because he has a new post up, about someone who called Tech Support and apparently he was just as much of an IDIOT as everyone else this guy has ever met.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Do y'all remember the reaming that was administered to unnamed Indian blogger for stating that he never tips? PRICK.

    ReplyDelete
  18. He should retitle his site:

    Even Idiots Blog

    ReplyDelete
  19. What a bunch of A-holes who call themselves "reviewers" !!! Sucks to be you "Love-Diets"...

    ReplyDelete
  20. I know this kid, he attends the same college as me. He is just the worst. Arrogant, uptight and with the unending and unmatched need to prove he's more intelligent than you. I don't understand why anyone, and I mean anyone, talks to him around here.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.