Wednesday, May 19, 2010

One Thing's for Surgeon, Your Blog Sucks


I am seriously considering writing all of my reviews drunk as hell, and I'm nearly there, because sometimes it's the only way I can till some of these blogs. Seriously, I can see the future because I have access to the submission list and there are some goddamn wearisome plebes sitting around waiting for life to happen coming up on the roster.

Of course you know that I am not a wearisome plebe. I am brilliance fucking manifest. Plus I got superior typing skills even when rocked on fucking wheat fermentingations or whatever because I memorized where to find the backspace key.

Long as we're listing things I got, I got medical horror stories up the ass (not like literal probes, although I know you guys are serious buttpokers), but this fucking guy collects eyefuls of peculiar shit daily, and believe me when I tell you: he makes crazy medicinal drama about as fucking interesting as ironing pleated pants. I actually prefer ironing pleated pants. I can do that shit drunk.

Techknowdoc writes with holes and impotence. It's very, "This woman had fat legs. And I said, 'gee, your legs are fat.' Man, some bonky things sure do go down in my wacky surgical ward." Except that quote that I just totally paraphrased is infinitely more interesting than everything on this blog just because I utilized "bonky." Use it, Techknowdoc.

By the way, nice nomenportmanteau. And by "nice" I mean "cancer."

As far as presentation...you know, it is what it is. The header is a menacingly stretched scalpel-hand and a splooge of pointless labels clog up the lower half of the template, and it's all Halloweeny colored and basically lame. But regarding content?

Doc, okay. I get it. It's exciting when patients are up to their elbows in fishbones, and that's some zany fucking hijinx, but your version of "lateral thinking" relates to egg-laying roosters and grave-digging planes, and your sprightly professional medical explanation regarding how foreign objects enter the human body is this:

"the fish decided to do one last heroic act before dying and made the bone fly into his elbow!!"

And you just...I don't even know. Accept it. You just accept a fucking telekinetic fish flinging daggerbones at fisherman as the hilarious breakdown of events in the most banal possible manner. You don't tell us the motivation behind the offense or give us an exciting play-by-play, it's just, the fish "made the bone fly into his elbow!!"

It's all unanswered questions, disgusting-ass pictures of surgeries without fixin' the reader with medical explanations or offering ameliorative advice, and fuck you for wasting my time and my PBR on bullshit like this. Assorted condoms exist. A woman blows her nose. I can't tell if your aim is pompous comedy or pompous revolution. Your blog is an unsanitary succession of narrative pap smears, and fuck you, I'm sober now. And I get things. Believe me. I am very smart.

Look Doc, I'm sure you're like, a good surgeon and stuff, but I'm just burning to give you these.






Also, I am very partial to the "rat poisen" tag that the illustrious Nutjobber added to the AAYSR label list. It's my cheap grammar crack.

30 comments:

  1. As someone who works in a clinic, I'm disturbed that a medical professional would be blogging about his patients. I'm not sure what the privacy laws are like in Bombay, and I'm sure it's all gravy as long as no one is naming names, but I tend to err on the side of caution and keep my big trap shut about work.

    Also, I've had an NG tube before (put in place while I was awake and on minimal narcotics), and have had extensive abdominal surgery, and would be horrified if my experience was being broadcast on the internet by anyone but me.

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  2. I'm not even upset by that at all - he doesn't give any personal information about the patients, so...whatevs.

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  3. But god, I hope he doesn't talk like that.

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  4. I'll be this guy was the surgical advisor for The Human Centipede. Only because of this.

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  5. Shiner, you're right. Butts. Butts everywhere. The only truth he revealed to us is not his penchant for writing, but his penchant for pictures of butt surgery. Fucking. Zing. Look at me. I'm hilarious today.

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  6. I am intrigued by the fact that this asshat follows "Your Pharmacist May Hate You" which is infinitely more entertaining than his twaddle.

    I am not squeamish, so the photos didn't bother me, although to be greeted by a graphic depiction of an anal fissure may be enough to turn a lot of others away.

    Bottom line -- Shiner, you nailed it. He's bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-oring as hell. I will not be coming back here.

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  7. No, I guess I'm not. Oh, but seriously? Guys, guys. Okay.

    So a guy wakes up in the hospital after a real bad car accident and starts crying and shit, you know, because of the sadness. His doctor enters the room, and the guy's all like, "Doc! Dude! I can't feel my legs, oh, holy hell, I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor laughs and says, "Well of course you can't, silly! I cut off your arms."

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  8. Woooo Scorpio - you fucking called that. NICE. I remember that blog. Pap smears for everyone.

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  9. Narrative pap smears? Sounds like a party.

    My stomach for surgery related stuff is minimal. I took one look at his blog and saw a needle and looked away.

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  10. Shitty template, graphic pictures that really should be hidden, and "journal" approach to writing. What's not to hate?

    Anyone else pissed off with the number of tags he uses for each post?

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  11. Shiner, I think you should always review on PBR.

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  12. Yeh, more drunk-shiner reviews. I bet she's typing purely with muscle memory sometimes.

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  13. "Abscess Drainage Without Antibiotics".
    Instead of using that as a title for one of his posts, I propose he use it as the title of his entire dumb ass blog.

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  14. Oh, and that "Abscess Drainage Without Antibiotics" thing also made me think of the time I was drunk running, clothes-lined myself on an enormous telephone cable, and ended up with a nasty abscess on my face.
    Thanks for nothin', Budweiser, ya fuckin' cock bite.

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  15. MG, serves you right for drinking Budweiser.

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  16. Mongobaby, I don't think I've ever heard budweiser better described.

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  17. Too bad I started writing this post just hammered, ran out of beer, and two hours later I've got a raging headache and a heavily edited review.

    Heavily edited.

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  18. I have a strict policy against drunk blogging. Christ, I can hardly pull a post together when I'm sober. On second thought, maybe I need to drink more beer.

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  19. But it can't be the fucking poison they call beer where I live. Actually, the cock bite beer would be preferable to this shit.

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  20. Ever had Porkslap? It's not just a clever name.

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  21. Yeah, me thinking it's a good idea to have another beer is like today's reviewee thinking it's a good idea to blog. Just one big abscess waiting to happen.

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  22. Rass: I realize Porkslap is some kind of ale, but am SO going to use it in a sentence next time I physically threaten someone.

    "Shut yer fuckin' pie hole 'fore I porkslap it shut."

    Thanks!

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  23. Oh my god I so want to dry hump Mongolian girl's leg for that coinage.

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  24. it's official. now on my bucket list: orgy with drunk shiner, rassles, and mongolian girl (and whoever else wants to join)

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  25. Who knew my violent tendencies would generate such lust? If I ever leave my husband I think I will just wander around with my crow bar in my hand so I can get laid. Until then, it's deliciously naughty outfits with the promise that he can pull my hair.
    Oh, and lots of pumpkin muffins.

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  26. Drunk Blogging. IS. AWESOME.
    (almost as awesome as a drunk review)

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  27. I do not write a comment, but I glanced through a few comments here "One Thing's for Surgeon, Your Blog Sucks".
    I actually do have 2 questions for you if it's okay. Could it be only me or do some of these remarks come across like they are left by brain dead individuals? :-P And, if you are writing at other online social sites, I'd like to keep up with you.
    Could you post a list of the complete urls of all your social networking sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?


    My web page: Http://Ya27902000.Pixnet.Net/Blog/Post/26473140-曾雅蘭全家服

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Grow a pair.