Friday, May 21, 2010
While you primates were off exploring the world with your opposable thumbs, us lizards decided to take the party underground. Betwixt champagne, caviar and interspecific orgies we surface now and then to host talk shows on Fox news. It's a good life, I tell ya'.
Whiteboy Style. I have been asked, nay tasked, to assess whether I share my premium single malt or have Monty rend your insides with his sharp talons. Given that your species is waking up to the joys of tolerance, I figured this was a blog for the well groomed young Caucasian male.
And by golly was I wrong. Your header image features you (or someone else) in garb reminiscent of a failed reality TV star. Your tagline is "Keeping Midgets As Pets Since 1998". Oh good, midget humor is so edgy and original, how long did it take to come up with that one?
It's been so long since you last wrote, my neighbor Henry has molted twice since. Then again, that was when you picked a fight with a Twilight fan. I lost patience a few seconds into the post, I'd much rather headbutt a concrete wall. Navigating your blog is an impossible task. On my list of priorities, wading through a daily archive is somewhere in between tongue splitting and stuffing mustard up my cloacae.
Putting the jar of French's aside, I delved deeper. Another Twilight post. Senseless updates. More embedded videos. I'll watch Tosh.0 for recycled garbage from the internet, there's no point in posting drivel if you don't have the motivation to write. Every second post seems to be about you restarting your blog. Make up your mind chief, I have a mass extinction to attend at 4.
Look "whiteboy", you show promise. When not regurgitating opinions or fucking up your website with lolcats, you seem to have a voice. It's nothing I haven't seen or read (I am a dinosaur after all), but it shows you're trying. You can even be funny. Why would you take the easy way out and quarrel with hate mail? Think of writing as exercise. It can be brutal and unrewarding at first, but it gets better. Only if you want to, and only when you try.
Your website is clean and minimal, and my monochrome vision appreciates that. You have a few links on the sidebars, which I saved for the last. After having seen my share of genitalia on chat roulette, I steered clear of the webcam link. "Wall scratchings" must be some sort of comment form, I wouldn't know - there's more spam there than in my emergency rations.
In the dark ages of the internet, there was Myspace. It was an elaborate prank teenagers used to get strangers to listen to shit masquerading as music. Autoplaying tunes to me is what a bucket of water is to middle-eastern men in Gitmo. It is a well known fact that dinosaurs are fans of late-80s speed metal, so listening to the drivel on your "Demo CD" page made my ears bleed. I'm not your demographic, but I assume your diehard fans would be capable of simple tasks like clicking a play button. Kill that autoplay option already. Fix your archive, good site design shows you care about your readers - new and old.
When I first saw this blog last week, I found a dead link to "The Crew". It's gone now, and the questions remain. Who are you? What are you up to? You're clearly alive, your homepage changed in the last one week. Where are you now? Why waste my time on a review if you can't be arsed to update your own blog?
For showing promise in 1.5 posts and making me ask for more you get
For submitting a dead blog, filled with junk and autoplaying tunes you get three flaming fingers. James, fetch my slippers, it's time for supper.