Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I'll keep your resume on file should something more fitting become available

Dear Ms. Adarkcomedycalledlife,

Thank you for your interest in the position available for New Blogger In My Reader. I am pleased to inform you that we have finally had the chance to consider your application and I do apologize for the delay, but we have been absolutely inundated with applications for this post. Furthermore, as you may know, school funds have been recently cut and, with the teacher layoffs and the cutbacks and all, well, I've fallen a little behind despite all the overtime I'm pulling, knee deep in copyright infringement, xeroxing workbooks 'til the wee hours.

You may be aware that the New Blogger In My Reader position is highly sought after, considering that I am one busy ass motherfucker that doesn't have time to read things that put me to sleep and there are literally millions of applicants to consider. To be quite frank, while you possess many positive skills and traits, I just don't think you're a suitable fit for the position. But in all fairness, I'm willing to keep your resume in the applicant pool for other positions if I can get some clarification on the lingering doubts I have regarding your, uh, material:

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Come on now, focus. Why the fuck?

Let me pose another question for you to percolate over: Do you find that when you are reading those books you are always tiresomely blogging about that the authors give page after page of mind-numbing lists where the reader is required to piece together the tattered scraps of an almost-narrative because the author is too lazy to do it for them? Do you think you would want to read a book like that? I didn't think so.

Regarding your blog title, how severe do you think my funny bone blue balls were upon realization that your blog does not actually contain one smidgeon of dark humor? You showed up for the interview at least looking like you'd showered, a neat enough sidebar without overwidgetification, and you weren't wearing a pink polka dot suit or anything. I had such hopes that this would go well, but then why did you have to go and open your suck hole?

For the purpose of brevity and to not overwhelm you with too many questions to reflect on, I have one remaining issue that needs clarifying: What in the hell is the point of continuously blogging about blogging? If blogging is really all you think about, why not consider focusing on the actual writing and storytelling aspect so that your blog will grow its own wings and not need you whimpering in the background about the tedium of the activity of blogging itself which no doubt dizzies your readers in a circular cycle of redundant redundancy? Hint: endless meme-type posts where you tag a bunch of people is not storytelling, it's lazy ass blogging. And well, given the workload, I just don't think I can add a lazy blogger to my team at this time.

While you're thinking these things through, I will give you an initial score so you can know how you fared for this particular position and more or less where you stand with our firm. But I hope you do not get discouraged and are willing to consider other positions that may become available in the near future such as Rambling Lady On My Street Corner or Forgettable Person At The Bus Stop.

Otherwise, best of luck with your continued search for a position in people's readers.

Yours sincerely,

Director of the Hiring Committee for My Fucking Reader


  1. You know what one of my most nails on the chalkboard thing is with regard to blogging? The heaping, stinking piles of undeserved praise and attaboys that litter the blogosphere.

    I think that's why I love this site so much.

  2. Ugh. The first post I saw had 42 comments. Forty fucking two. The comment whore in me is jealous....but when I read the uninteresting and non-writerly crap that followed...meh. My green-eyed monster is appeased.

  3. 42 vapid comments from 42 vapid people. Fucking circle jerk, I tell ya.

    I prefer a handful of intelligent comments from people I actually give a shit about.

  4. Goddammit, there is something frustrating about a someone who can turn a phrase proving to lack the substance to write some shit.

  5. I didn't really pay attention to the number of comments she brought in since I read the blog from my reader. So I guess she clearly does have a position in other people's readers. I think this is due to what FF hits on.

    Shiny - this was what bothered me the most about her - her clear ability to put a sentence together but to absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

  6. I quit caring about comments long ago. Not the ones I get, I mean. I love the comments, but I don't give a rats ass how many I get per post or anything like that. And knowing that there are tons of blogs that I love that I don't always get around to commenting on has made me not take it personally at all when others don't comment. I would just rather it be about the writing than the mutual back scratching.

  7. Well, thanks for leaving a comment saying my blog's been reviewed but I checked already. Died a little bit, realized I asked for it, made peace: amazing how much can happen in a day.

    Just two things:
    1. My grudge would be that I don't have as many memes as the review makes it out to be. Some of the linked stuff is not meme.
    2. To call commenters vapid/ backscratchers would be a tad unfair, because you haven't read THEIR content and because afaik, I am not into advertising the blog/ back scratching for comments.

    The rest - well, asked for it.. thanks for taking the time.

    Rambling Lady from Your Bus-stop?

  8. It seemed to me that there were a lot of meme/tag type posts in your archives. A lot of the things I linked to were not memes. Memes are not your only flaw.

    Fair enough about your commenters. Who am I to wander into the inexplicable realm of why people comment?

    As a random blog reader I felt like your blog was hurting for some real storytelling because like Shiny says, you know how to put a sentence together, you just need to focus and get rid of the lazy list making. Some of your posts that contained lists could have easily been rehashed into ten different posts with, you know, interesting stories and stuff, but you cheated yourself by combining everything into list form.

  9. Shit--her current post is almost EXACTLY the same as mine. Except of course that she has 44 comments.

  10. HIF - I actually thought her latest post was one of the better ones I read, but it still relates to blogging. Although, I think we're all guilty of blogging about blogging from time to time. And in this particular post, she does it artfully, but it is what it is and I tire from reading about that topic too.

  11. This probably amounts to an invitation to rape. You guys forgot my blog?

  12. We didn't forget your blog, Jil. Your reviewer had an unexpected event pop up in life outside of the internet.

  13. @Madame: Valid point. Didn't want to come across as a sore loser, btw.

    @HIF: Not your best day, eh? The similarity is uncanny.

  14. That response is unnecessarily classy. Where's the indignancy? The outrage?
    The Jerry Springer-esque "Y'ALL JUST JEALOUS! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"?

  15. And my comment was not entirely directed at your readers and comment givers. Undeserved praise is an epidemic.

    It's not that I eschew the supportive community, I know it serves a purpose. It's that as writer's we get better when people tell us the truth or save the cheering for when we really hit it out of the park.

    I think so many of us submit for the same reasons. We want someone to tell us we were great and if they can't do that, we want someone to tell us how to be great.


Grow a pair.