Friday, August 06, 2010

Patsy Cline is Waiting to Kick Your Ass in Three Acts

Act I:

Folks, I do believe that it is time to bust out the razor studded cluebat, as today’s lucky contestant is in desperate need of some (ahem) correction.

For starters, Jacki Trew’s delightful little blog is titled "Insanity Now Has a Website" and the URL is JackiIsCrazy.blogspot.com. When you are 15 years old, calling yourself CRAZY or INSANE feels like a logical choice. You feel like you don’t fit in. You feel weird all the time. Maybe you’re moody. Maybe you’re filled with rage. Maybe you are really unpredictable. And yeah, that feels pretty crazy at the time.

But then months pass and soon you realize that this is normal – everyone feels this way – and you are no more crazy than the next very average student treading the halls of your school. And by the time you’re 16 or so, you no longer think it’s cool to call yourself Crazy or Insane.

Insanity Now Has a Website? I don't fucking think so.

You see, Insanity already has had tons of websites: the APA, CharlieManson.com, theflatearthsociety.org, scientology.org, peta.org, etc. What you bring to the table is not insanity. It is impulsiveness. It is occasionally inappropriateness. It is a disregard for some of society's norms. It is an obsession with reality television. But it is not insanity or craziness.

And by the time you are 21, you should know better.

Real crazy and real insane is actually scary and dangerous. Not fun. Real crazy is hanging off the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge or hearing voices that aren’t there telling you to kill John Lennon. And calling yourself crazy when you actually aren't isn't actually cute.

Act II:

Allow me to read aloud from the Hard and Fast Rules section of the Book of AAYSR:

"5. NO AUTOPLAY MUSIC. NEVER, EVER, EVER. UGH."

Jacki – did you read the FAQ before you submitted? Did it occur to you at all that THIS:



just might have been what the fuck we were talking about? I mean, autoplay music is never good, but Kylie Minogue? Really? What fucking decade is this anyway?

So right now, based on what I have seen, you are getting one big fat assed You’re Doing It Wrong from me.

As soon as you have finished reading this sentence, go to your blog and remove the autoplay music. Did you do it? If I go and check right now, will I see autoplay music in your sidebar? I am not above hopping a flight to Sydney and tracking you down and kicking the teeth right out of your head if I have to. Sure, it’ll cost me a fortune and I’ll probably be arrested for assault, but I will have done humanity a favor.

As for the crazy thing – child, please. Be your own person. Stop writing in this extended Facebook status update and start fresh and new in a new blog that doesn’t have crazy or insane in the title or URL. Or in the content, unless you actually go on anti-depressants or something. Mmmkay?

Act III:

Alrighty then. Now that my pet peeves have been dispatched, let’s roll up our sleeves on what we actually do have here.

Jacki has been doing this a long time. And, as I alluded to above, she started this in 2004, when I assume that she was 14 or 15 years old. So, it is reasonable to assume that there would be a lot of shit in the beginning and in the middle that’s all: “So and so is a big poopyhead” and “I hate my school” and all of that teen angst bullshit. And you would be right. Don’t bother with that. Especially since early on, she was doing the whole experimenting with multiple colored text thing. And for a while settled on gray text, which probably would have worked well, if her background color weren’t black. But it is, and so it doesn’t.

At some point along the way she found a voice. Sure, that voice talks way too much about things I don’t give a rat’s ass about – reality TV, actors over whom she is swooning, being a semi-responsible adult, etc. – but it is still an amusing voice at times. A slightly skewed perspective on her life, which is pretty normal and ordinary, and that skewed perspective takes the boring and mundane and makes it somewhat worth reading about.

If only she would drop the immature adolescent references to “crazy”. So, for the autoplay music and the near constant references to crazy and insane:



But because I am not a complete dick, I give you this for making me smile on occasion:

25 comments:

  1. How do I get my paws on one of them cluebats?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I made my own, using things one typically finds lying around the house. Razor blades, glitter glue, and a fucking Louisville Slugger -- Booyah.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hard to rate a youngin'.

    Homemade weapons hu? I can see Martha Stewart all over that shit.

    ReplyDelete
  4. We've had people her age here before who didn't do it wrong. Plus I focused my time on her later output.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel about "crazy" much the same as I do about "diva." Since when is a soccer mom with Kate Gosselin hair in a pink track suit a diva?

    Also, hi.

    ReplyDelete
  6. CAL! I miss you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. where have you been all my life?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, Facebook. Pitiful, eh? Careful, kids. If you don't tend your blogging garden it will wither and die. And possibly be eaten by demonic slugs.

    I miss you guys, though.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I got an idea. why don't you review your own fucking shitty ass blog?

    Oh, and BTW, when are you going to change that stupid old-ass fucking template?

    Talk about being out of touch. This blog sucks sweaty cock!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Paul, I got an idea. Why don't you sit on this cluebat for a bit?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Same old Ask, eh? Ahh. Nice to know you can still count on something.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Miss Missives8/06/2010 3:46 PM

    I thought she was funny. Inconsistently funny and she reads a bit manic but funny.

    She needs to work at this a little, edit, slow down and yes, stop calling herself crazy, or wacky, or insane, or unhinged.

    Cal, the only person I can think of where Diva fits appropriately is a tranny showgirl. Rule #74 Tranny showgirls can unreservedly refer to themselves as Divas.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This was a good review. Still good to see that we're kicking it old school at Ask.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sounds like someone knows something about sucking sweaty cock. Thanks for stopping by today, Paul.

    If we ever submit ourselves for a review, maybe I will review us. How post-modern, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anybody else check Paul's link--asshole.com--pure porn. (I meant to write this earlier, but, you know...)

    ReplyDelete
  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I did HIF. THAT was a mistake!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Paul is right about the layout of this blog though, it's a nightmare. Viewing the archives is a challenge at best.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Miss Manners8/09/2010 5:41 AM

    Looks like she wrote a little response review, Woperchild. Kids got balls, I'll give her that much.

    ReplyDelete
  20. 1) Jacki didn't ask!
    2) YES, Miss Manners, my Jacki DOES have balls. Huge, hairy, sweaty, man balls. Suck them.
    3) I'm pretty sure if you were lucky enough to meet Jacki, you'd want to do her. But, she doesn't date losers who troll the internet 24 hours a day because they're too mundanely uninteresting to get a life.
    4) "Scorpio Woperchild"??? Are you freaking kidding me? Your REGISTERED NAME IS SCORPIO WOPERCHILD. ...Do I really have to elaborate?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hell of a response... "Ouch. I didn't want a review. Wait, are you dissin' Kylie Minogue? Watch me go all Miss Piggy on you. And you're contemptible because you think my description of dolphins gang raping sounded like something out of the Far Side cartoons." Yeah, she got me good.

    And Janey:

    1. Then who the fuck did?

    2. Man balls on a twenty-one-year old woman? Wow. Very ... attractive. Like tits on a 43 year old man.

    3. Everyone is absolutely wonderful sometimes and everyone is absolutely unbearable at others. Jacki included. Me included.

    4. Yes. Please do elaborate. I suppose they don't have pen names in your part of the world?

    ReplyDelete
  22. The blog was submitted on April 17 from your IP address, and a confirmation email was sent to jjjacki@hotmail.com.

    So I apologize for the confusion.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I don't believe it's you who owes an apology, Shiner.

    ReplyDelete
  24. And London: I agree about the archives on here. I just don't know as much about html as I should. Yes, I could google it. I'm lazy.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.