Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Your Shit Is Bananas

If you don't fucking fix your fucking template, I'm going to bribe one of those twelve-year olds that sells pot down the street to kickstart your labia with his rusty hockey blades.

I understand you're a "simple girl whose hair is messy," which insinuates you're above such menial worries as physical appearance. Admirable enough, but you don't need to prove it to us by shitting out a template that looks like a crappy toy from a vending machine, with that fuckjumble of widgetry. You want a conglomerate of widgets? Fine. You don't even have that many, you wannabee widget collector. Some people collect ceramic chickens, but at least they commit and organize their compilations like the respectable foaming obsessives they are.

I cannot focus on your entries because of your failed photobucket background image. Your title is a grammatical tragedy that reminds me of Sheryl Crow, and not throaty, folksy Sheryl Crow that can pass for good music but pitchy, strained, eye-gouge-y Sheryl Crow. Thank god you stopped that whole rainbow of font colors thing, because I was two posts away from John Wayne Gacying your ass.

Listen Sameera, I'm glad you're so thankful for everything in your life, because honest appreciation is a rarity. Keep it up. I sincerely hope you don't change that, I hope the cynics of the world feel shame in the face of your sunshine.

But here is what you are missing: reason. You love nature, you love sandals, you love itineraries, you love putting shit into categories, you love conversations, you love loving things. I would demand you prove it, but I believe you. There are so many goddamn enthusiastic exclamation points, you have to mean fucking business.

But I don't give a shit that you love them, because I don't know why. What's so fucking great about nature? Do you tag your memories with seasons? When you smell the chill of the air, do you imagine your dog shoveling his nose in a snowdrift and plowing his way towards you, sneezing and flinging snow in his wake? He smashes his nose into your knees and barks, demanding you join him on the ground. He spins and ducks under himself, falls and rolls and grabs your pantleg with his teeth, dragging you down to his level because he loves the snow; it reminds him of being alive.

That's what I love about nature: it demands a reaction by always existing and changing every single day. If you have nothing to talk about, there's always the weather. Everyone has an opinion about the weather, and everyone has an opinion about whether the weather is a topic worthy of discussion at all. It is brilliant.

So let's hear it. Tell me why. This is a good start, this is better. But do it, please, without so many exclamation points and ellipses and ill-placed commas. Please, please, please pleasepleasepleaseplease, prettyshiny please, sack those fucking exclamation points. Lose them. Ima gonna string your exclamation points into a noose and fucking strangle you with it if you keep that shit up.

As an aside, just a little gripe, but "Serial killers!!!" is a fucking enthusiastically terrifying title for a post. It conjures visions of a messy-haired girl sitting cross-legged in a room with tree frog corpses tacked to the walls named Bill! and Spot! and Mr. Slimey Face! She's meticulously filing the fingerprints off her collection of severed hands, each one fated for painting and stenciling the outlines of turkeys for nefarious handmade blog award widgets. She raises her head and grins. "I love it when my fellow bloggers lend a helping hand!!!!!" she squeals, giggling into her shadow. That girl, by the way, is you.

Until then you start giving me a reason to give a shit, you fall short of, well, everything except being exceedingly creepy sometimes.


24 comments:

  1. I love this review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I knew an editor once who said "You only get to use five exclamation points in your entire lifetime. Use them wisely."

    They should be stricken from our keyboards along with the annoying strikethrough option and Renaissance Faire-ish typefaces.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had a college professor who said the same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brutal.But I asked for it. Thanks anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can also be called upon for a labia kickstart. For a fee of course.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think a severe tittie twister should be included, Miss Missives.
    Oh, and I'm really!!totally!!super!!duper!!proud!! of Sameera for commenting w/o the use of !!!

    I love that!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. It is much better to add emphasis and convey emotion with words rather than punctuation.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tittie twister!!!!!!!!

    Like that?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Holy fuck. Mongoliangirl's exclamation points went flying off the fucking screen.

    Don't people know that exclamation points add nothing to what they've said except to tell everyone what a raging fuckwit they are?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can't afford labia kickstarts anymore

    ReplyDelete
  11. Blue if you lived by me, like a reasonable person, rather than far away with your swarthy spanish lover, I'd throw a few your way gratis.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's been so long I might need painkillers. Do you provide morphine with your service?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Miss Missives8/04/2010 1:19 PM

    No but I'll give you something to bite on:)

    ReplyDelete
  14. "They should be stricken from our keyboards"

    HIF, you took away the jobs of entire hordes of Perl programmers with that.

    This review wasn't actually as brutal as I expected. Great job by Shinerpunch. She would do well to heed his wise advice.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I first read Ms. M's comment as "labia lickstart". Either my eyes were playing tricks on me or it was wishful thinking!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Miss M, are you...eh em....thorough?

    I'm not referring to a labia lickin. I'm referring to the fact that I have to ask for completeness when getting waxed. It's embarrassing, yo.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "kickstart your labia".

    Once in a generation,a phrase is turned in such a way, that its readers will never be the same.

    That was probably it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I blame the ppl who are teaching these lovely Indian kiddies their written English. It must be their fault surely?

    ReplyDelete
  19. RedPen - I don't think it's necessarily her English teacher's fault. I have a "Facebook friend" whom I went to school with as a child. Same exact English teachers, and she writes about as incoherently as the reviewee.

    It's all about if they actually care to LEARN to write. And this girl obviously doesn't.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have no reason to click on the blog after a review like that. The review was too good to sully it by clicking.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Just seems like a significant amount of Indian bloggers luuurve the !!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I know plenty of assholes that aren't Indian that ruin my day with exclamation points.

    Yup, Shagnasty, just need to log onto facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Arjun,

    I have no idea what a Perl programmer is and am too lazy to google it. But thanks anyhow.

    HIF

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.