Thursday, September 02, 2010

What would people think, when they hear that I'm a Jesus Freak?*

I'm pretty sure Shiner saved this one special, just for me. To hope for an unbiased, issue-free review is a futile effort.

I grew up going to church every Sunday. I was heavily involved in my youth group in junior high and high school. The first two years of my adulthood were spent at a small, private Christian college. Yes, shockingly enough, I was one of those kids.

However, I never quite fit in. Even at the age of 13, I felt like an outsider. And I was viewed as a bad Christian, simply because I rebelled against Christian culture*. I refused to live in the bubble*, and they didn't like it.

But Halee is someone they would like. She's so steeped in Christian culture, Tyndale House* could publish books from her used Kleenex. She's set up shop so far in her bubble, I really believe she thought this was a Christian blog review site because our name quotes John 16:24*. Obviously, she didn't read the URL.

Nevertheless, this is my assignment, and I've never been one for shirking my duties.

Halee's blog template is cute, her title is cliched and banal ("My Life and Thoughts"), and she has too much distracting and meaningless crap in her sidebar.

Halee's writing comes across as uneducated. It's filled with incorrect spelling, grammar, spacing, and capitalization, and rife with run-on sentences and paragraphs. Also, an abundance of dreaded exclamation points, making the blog come across as one written by a middle school girl, instead of a married, college-educated woman.

Most of the blog is written like a journal, for her friends to catch up on her life. Completely boring for a stranger. She also seems mildly obsessed with weddings and babies, which is par for the course with most Christian girls. It was also one of the reasons why I only spent 2 years at the Christian college, before transferring to a state school. I didn't go to school to get my MRS. degree, thank you very much.

In the rest of her blog, she spews Conservative Christian propaganda, which only appeals to people who have those same beliefs. I get the feeling that Halee is just regurgitating what her parents and her church have told her, without thinking for herself. I also get the feeling she's trying to witness to the world*, from her blog. But again, no one's going to read this blog unless they come from the same background as Halee, so it's pointless.

I was all set to give her a "Meh" and an "Abercrombie", and tell her to start an anonymous blog, where she can write about real things, without feeling like everyone in her bubble is watching. . . until I got to these posts:

1) Here, she talks about how she's annoyed with being asked to give money for Haiti relief, because our government spends our tax money irresponsibly.
2) Here, she talks about how she has a hard time feeling sympathy for the homeless, because the ONE TIME she has seen a homeless person, he was rude to her.

Let's see what Jesus has to say about this, shall we Halee?

Matthew 22:37-39* - The "love your neighbor as yourself" verse.

Luke 6:30-31* - The Golden Rule, AKA the "do unto others" verse.

Matthew 25:31-36* - The Parable of the Sheep and Goats, AKA the "whatever you did for the least of these" verse.

Did you notice how I didn't need to explain what the verses were, other than their nicknames? That's because people with limited knowledge of the Bible have heard of them. And when Christians fail miserably at those basic commandments, it makes them look really bad. That's why people say, "All Christians are hypocrites", Halee.

Also readers, have you noticed how clean my language has been in this post? That's because I've been saving it for this:

How the FUCK have you only seen one homeless person in your life?

I grew up in a small backwater town too, but I spent time with my church family, sorting clothes and serving food at the local homeless shelter WHEN I WAS 10.

In high school, I spent the springtime running fundraisers to earn money to travel to Mexico, the Arizona Navajo reservation, and inner-city LA. You know what I did there? I built houses for the homeless, worked in missions, and delivered food to AIDS shut-ins. I also ran camps for Mexican and Navajo street children, as well as the younger siblings of the Grape Street Crips in Watts.

Jesus didn't go to VBS* or Awanas*, Halee. He spent his time with the poor, the crippled, and the sick. He even hung out with prostitutes. Get off your High Jesus Horse, please.

NOW, I award you:


from the Father





from the Son





from the Holy Ghost.




May God have mercy on my soul.

*links for the unchurched heathens

75 comments:

  1. Why yes, yes you CAN get an amen!

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  2. I love how she's all, "I don't like the government spending my money irresponsibly" and "I don't want to donate to Haiti" and then reposts a well-thought-out bash on celebrities.

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  3. Oh hells yeah, Shagnasty. That was some righteous shit.

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  4. Oh, and you pretty much summed up why I jumped the bubble years ago.

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  5. Never have three fingers made me happier. Ruddy good show.

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  6. My best friend from high school is a Youth Minister in the strongest, most faithful sense of the word. She calls me to practice gettin' her Jesus on when one of her kids is being especially hateful. Because I am good at being hateful. Apparently.

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  7. Shagnasty, she might try to cast your demons out of you when she reads this.

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  8. Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers
    Thursday, August 13, 2009
    euthanasia, gay marriage, abortion... and weed.

    my reasoning for being against euthanasia, besides thinking that "life is sacred, not that I don't think that point could be argued, I think just think that you agree with me on that, to some degree.
    I think that euthanasia (at least in America)will allow people to be exploited, I think that someone who is really sick but not terminal will be exploited and convinced that they are causing everyone more pain by trying to fight their sicknesses."

    Sounds like Sarah Palin trying to explain her position on youth in Asia.

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  9. "And adoption is expensive, it is hard to get the money to afford to do it, mostly I think because of supply and demand. "

    Oh look, she's an economist too, a baby economist.

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  10. "it's like a puzzle piece to me, and I just can see how perfectly and wonderfully man and women are meant to work/fit together as a puzzle. And how all the pieces of anatomy just don't work the same with girl on girl or guy on guy. That’s why girls have to go get a strap on... penis. They don't like men, but they shove a penis inside them to fulfill the way their bodies were made to enjoy sex, only it is incomplete, because its a plastic penis strapped to a girl and not a warm, and perfectly real penis attached to a man. Then all I have to say to guy on guy is... OUCH!!!!!"

    Yep, because every lesbian likes a hard plastic penis shoved up her correct?

    Can I get an amen on this one lezzies?

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  11. Dude, if gay marriage is ok then I am totally marrying my cat.

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  12. Fuckin' gays and their gay-faggotty-gayness. Put 'em in a room and bomb 'em.

    FF, you know his cat-penis is spiny and hurtful, right? Fucking cat-penises and their cat-penissy-catness.

    The only natural and right kind of marriage is the one that exists solely to transfer property.

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  13. Oh, fucking take THAT, Comment Police.

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  14. I'm going out of town and everything is fucking bunnies and clouds right now.

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  15. I am a straight man in a woman's body with the mind of a lesbian with straight tendencies. Oh, and I also make my own dildos from a perfectly proportioned mold. And I like cake.
    Praise! Praise!

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  16. Oh, and I really hope Rass has a good vacation. I'm like that. I hope people have good vacations even when they've just, moments before, caused me to have a spontaneous and severe headache by discussing cat dick.
    Does that mean I'm gay? Am I going to hell because cat dick discussions cause me to have headaches? I mean, God did create cat dick after all.

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  17. Amen for the lezzies! I like my own boobies almost as much as they do. Rock 'em, sock 'em boobies!

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  18. heh heh heh I need to stop typing and I can't. I entertain myself better than anyone.
    Go self-entertainment go!
    Praise!

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  19. Aspirin!
    Praise aspirin!
    Especially when cat dick is around.
    Amen!
    Jeeeee-sus-saaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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  20. Oh shit, I had the title linked too, but somehow it didn't work. Here it is.Welcome to my high school years.

    I actually had to get out my old trusty Bible to write this review. And I felt immense guilt about blaspheming with the flaming fingers, but it was too perfect so I had to leave it.

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  21. Hey! Wouldn't it be great if hurricaines were named after Peanuts characters?
    Lins could whip the coast with his little blanket. Beethoven could pound the coast like he pounds a keyboard. Snoopy could hump the coast like he humps his little bitch Woodstock.
    If the dog house is a rockin', don't come a knockin!
    Praise!

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  22. If the lezbo are a rockin', don't bring your jockin'.
    No praise!

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  23. Shagnasty: When I tried the link prior to your correction it sent me to a photo of a perfectly proportioned dildo followed by a photo of aspirin for those who are suffering from comments about cat dick.
    PRAISE!

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  24. "Fucking cat-penises and their cat-penissy-catness."
    -Rassles

    I am going to fucking die because of this. The pain in my head is unbelievable. I need more aspirin. And a box of kleenex. And a cake. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. I think I peed a little.
    Pee!
    Praise!

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  25. Rass: Remember when I used to tell you I wanted to set you free in my front yard? Just let you run around all crazy while we watched from the porch? I want to tell you that again. And this time I want you to take me up on it.
    But we ain't got no beer.
    Ain't got no!
    Praise!

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  26. I got no argument with Jesus. No matter where you come down on the divinity question, the dude had some pretty worthwhile things to say.

    But in general, I have found that Jesus *Freaks* make me angry, anxious, and ill.

    So, ummmm, I'll take a rain check on this bad boy.

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  27. Look. Seriously. Listen. I'm going to end up going back to church if I don't quit typing.
    Dat's some srrrrrius bidnuh rite dar.
    Praise!

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  28. Scorpio: I'll betcha dollars to donuts that your distress over Jeeee-sus-aaaaah is NOTHING compared to my distress over cat dick comments.
    Betcha!
    Praise!

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  29. Oh, wait, you said your distress is over the freaks? I actually apprecaite the freaks. They baffle me with bullshit and bewilder me with their devotion!
    Bullshit!
    Bewilderment!
    Praise! Praise!

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  30. I think Rassles should win comment of the year with that cat penis business.

    Oh and Mongobaby, I can't type what I want to say to you because I'm speaking in tongues right now and my hand is held out towards you. BE HEALED.

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  31. Christ on a dildo, that supply and demand bit had me in tears. If she were being ironic, that would have totally rocked.

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  32. Considering how little of it actually happens, it's funny to see such a big deal being made out of fornification

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  33. Mongo, I am so bad at running but so good at moving around things that I'm afraid me in your yard will turn into a lesson in ambivalence.

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  34. I feel like a lightning bolt may strike me down for even commenting on this review, but lordy lord Rassles and MG you are a couple of very fucking funny ladies.
    God loves all penises because he made them. He just doesn't want them up another man's butt. Or a cat's butt, or a cat's penis in another man's butt... or... ah whatever.
    Praise!

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  35. MR: That thing about "He" not wanting a penis in a mans butt? Check this out:
    I once knew a guy who liked to fuck so much that he drilled a large hole in the wall of his bedroom and would fill it with shampoo and then fuck it.
    So, um, since "He" invented dicks, drills, walls and shampoo, doesn't that translate to a dick being in a butt being no problem.
    Oh, wait, should I even be sharing this?
    Let's all have a moment of silent prayer that I stop sharing things like this.
    SILENT PRAISE!

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  36. Look, Rass, you little psycho you, I'll set up a damn agility course in my front yard for you. Stop making excuses. I ain't got no time fer yer damn excuses.
    Ain't got no!
    Praise!
    Damn excuses!
    No praise!

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  37. You little beauty you Shagnasty. That was awesome!

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  38. Blues:
    Tongues!
    Praise!
    Flickering tongues!
    Praise! Praise!
    Flickering tongues and dry humpin' a dishwasher!
    Extra special triple dipple praise with a cherry and a perfectly proportioned dildo on top!

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  39. Oh, and I just realized one of those heart things <3 was used in a comment here.
    No praise!
    Seriously, those things look like a damn butt hole.
    This, of course, brings us back to the topic of Jeeeeeee-sus-ahhh and if he would or would not approve of dicks being inserted into butt holes.
    Lord only knows!
    Praise!
    (peed a little again)

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  40. If there is a father, a son and a holy ghost, I'm betting they're pissing themselves laughing whilst flipping off christian girl too...

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  41. Anonymous: I've always liked to think that Anonymous commenters are probably Jeeeee-sus-sahhhhhh.
    Praise!
    (You should probably know I will retract my praise if it's really true that you do not approve of dicks in butt holes.)

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  42. I'm putting part of one of my own comments up for the Quote of the Week thingy.
    Praise!
    "You should probably know I will retract my praise if it's really true that you do not approve of dicks in butt holes."

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  43. haha lol on the line you've been saving so much.

    i grew up in where homeless people are all around.

    well... technically they have homes...referred to as squatters. coz they just claim a vacant land on their own

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  44. Mongolian Girl: Why the shampoo? Unless it was extra volume shampoo bahaha. I remember a story (or dreamt it... hmm) where in some weird country young boys learn to do the business by drilling holes in watermelons and giving them the "love". What does God think about this?

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  45. MR: Isn't "MR" just the same as being "Anonymous"? I just can't handle TWO Jesuses commenting on here. Plus, since you are Jeeee-sus-saaaaaaaah (Or maybe you're not. Maybe "Anonymous" is?), why don't you just ask your dad about that watermelon thing yourself?
    PRAISE!

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  46. Extra volume shampoo!
    Bubblin' praise!

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  47. MG: holy upside of rapid cycling, yikes. I'm anon because a) no google acct, b) what the fuck is openID, and 3) no url. And I'm cool with dicks wherever..

    Cori (better?)

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  48. Ah you're onto me MG, I AM Jeeee-sus-saaaaaaaah, and I've spoken to me old man and requested a few plagues of pestilence to be summoned to this here blog. I asked him about the watermelon thing and he just blushed and told me to ask my mother.

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  49. Shampoo in a hole is pretty damm inventive. I know a guy who was partial to the vaccuum cleaner hose.

    Also, last night I dreamed that I walked into a diner and Rass was cooking. Only she was behind a curtain like the Wizard of Oz.

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  50. Was Rassles making Stoganoff(what what)?

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  51. Actually, I need to tell you thank you. I asked for honest feedback, I did see your url, and I knew that I would be torn apart. Why should I be angry?
    You are correct, I have been a hypocrite and a lousy Christian. And I appreciate your calling attention to that. I should do better at feeling sympathy for those with less that myself, not only that but I should be doing something to help them.
    I do want to clarify that I don't think that I am better than anyone though, and I want to apologize for my words making it appear that I do.
    Thank you again.

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  52. "But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also."

    ~Matthew 5-39, well he told me to call him Matt

    So,he's he referring to your bum because when my husband slaps me on my right bum cheek, I do in fact, offer him the other. So that's good right?

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  53. I am not sure if I am awed or slightly disturbed regarding the things I have learned about you today Shagnasty!

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  54. Halee Burch: I seriously doubt you have been a bad Christian. For some reason, I just don't think you could be. However, it does sound like you've been being a "play it safe" Christian; one who spends more time figuring out what is "right" and what is "wrong" instead of simply wading into the middle of this world while doing what it takes to find love and compassion within yourself, and then give them away.
    Through a non-religious affiliated organization I regularly share my time and energy with human beings who have and sometimes still are doing horrible things. Some of them have abused their children and even killed other human beings. They have all lied, cheated, stolen and, without doubt, abused the hell out of themselves. Some of them smell horribly and have rotting or no teeth and breath that could kill an army. They sometimes smell like old pee and feces. By all rights, they are disgusting.
    But, you know what Halee, my service to them has nothing to do with them. It has to do with the fact that there is something wrong when I have stunted my own growth by having some kind of ridiculous scale upon which some human beings are worthy of love and compassion and some are not.
    The bottom line is that I didn't choose to know anything about things like compassion and love. They had already existed when I got here...when I was born. Call them God-created, a divine universal gift, whatever. The fact is that they were here and my choice was not whether or not they existed, but how I was going to embrace them and try to express them in ALL situations and with ALL people...how I am going to deal with and then move beyond any and all barriers that might prevent me from expressing those things.
    And, you know what, I fail at it too. I get tired, frustrated, and sit back on my own judgmental bullshit from time to time. Sometimes I look at another human being...especially those who couldn't seem to give a shit what happens to them or how their actions degrade the lives of others...and I think, "Fuck it."
    I'm not sure what you want to do, Halee. But I can, without doubt, tell you this - get to work. Knock it off with this bullshit of trying to figure out what is "wrong" and what is "right" when YOU ALREADY KNOW that it is always right to find your way to love and compassion and how to express it.
    I cannot imagine you are going to end up happy with all of this yammering on and on about morals and "true" Christianity. I cannot imagine that uptight, safe and organized trips to a homeless shelter every now and then is going to fulfill the truth about you.
    I don't know what you have to do to get along in your life on a day to day basis. But I can say that it sounds like you need to get off your ass at least every once in a while and expose yourself to something that is awful, disgusting and "wrong", and find your way to love and compassion in the middle of it.
    Have you ever seen the movie "Dead Man Walking"? If you have, watch it again. If you haven't, watch it. If you don't want to give just as the nun in that movie gives, then I don't know why you would bother with being a Christian at all. I don't know why anyone would.

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  55. Halee Burch: One more thing.
    You say in your comment that you want to clarify that you do not think you are better than others, and then you say this:

    "I should do better at feeling sympathy for those with less than myself..."

    Fuck sympathy and fuck believing that ANYONE has LESS than YOU. Honestly, this kind of thinking is disgusting and just the kind of thinking that I am convinced is one of the biggest problems in this world.
    The fact is that no one has less or more than anyone else when it comes to being worthy of love and compassion. You know what Halee? The men and women who are doing EVERYTHING YOU HATE? They have just as much as you do. Deal with that. Seriously. As long as you can look at anyone as less or more or bigger or smaller than you, you're fucked. We all are.
    The problem is that we are fucking pigs with shit like this. We are only willing to reach out, help, love, share, work for...whatever...just so much before we give up. We are fucking lazy.
    Yes, there are people worrying about things we don't even have to think about:
    -How am I going to feed my children
    -Where am I going to sleep tonight
    -How am I ever going to stop shoving this needle into my arm
    -How am I going to stop getting raped in my prison cell

    But, these people don't have less than anyone else. They just need more from those of us who don't happen to be going through the same thing. They need us to work, think and love harder.
    Fuck, I'm about to the point of telling you to forget my previously encouraging comment.

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  56. Shagnasty and Mongo (may I call you Mongo?) - A-fucking-men!

    Also "Extra volume shampoo! Bubblin' praise!" almost got me in trouble as I'm reading this while I'm supposed to be working and I had to do and emergency guffaw suppression.

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  57. Holy crap, was Mongo all up in here. She probably has 40 of the 66 comments.

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  58. I have said it before and I will say it again. MG scares the bejeesus (ha!) outta me. I feel like I need to be a better person when she gets going. Stop peering into my lazy, blackened heart lady, you're exposing me.

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  59. You had me at, "I refused to live in the bubble," and "That's why people say, 'All Christians are hypocrites', Halee."


    I love this post. Enough said.

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  60. MG - they need grace, abundant grace, dare I say, Grace of Mongolian proportion. Praise Mongo!

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  61. Jesus, 70 freaking comments on one post.

    So, I wonder what the rest of her youth group's gonna think when she says, "Damn, I got nailed to a cross by some assholes on a site with a URL 'iwillfuckingtearyouapart'"

    Worse, what if they see that and say, "You can't play with us any more."

    Then she'll have to come over to the other side, and here on the other side there are cat penis and lesbian jokes, and well, how HORRIFYING.

    Poor kid.

    Good thing none of us come to the other side gently.

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  62. You can call me Mongo, Mongolian Girl, whatever. Just don't call me 'Hooker' or I'll charge you just for lookin' at my fiiiiiiine self.
    Hooker!
    Praise!

    Hey, look, Halee will be just fine. There is something right on with a good lil' so-called Christian girl asking to be reviewed at a place like this. It gives me hope for her future.
    As far as my rants about getting busy with acting right instead of just talking about it - I actually don't recommended it at all. Giving a shit is a giant pain in the ass.

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  63. Johnny Raptor: I know! Wasn't that fun! See what happens when I end up with an afternoon with no plans? I wander around on Craigslist, email, some kind of lame-ass word game, and then end up over here entertaining the hell out of myself with very little regard for whether I am entertaining to others or not.

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  64. Dear Mongo,

    If more Christians were like you, people wouldn't loathe them so much.

    Love and crowbars,

    Rassles

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  65. Dear Rass,
    Kisses.
    Sincerely,
    Mongo Baby

    Rass!
    Praise!
    Kisses!
    Praise!
    Sincerity!
    Praise!
    Mongo Baby!
    Praise!

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Grow a pair.