Monday, October 11, 2010

Brown Paper Poo-kages Tied Up in String

At first glance, I was intrigued with today's reviewee, Stranger in A Strange Town. The title was a good start and though the template is your standard blogger one we all probably started with, at least it wasn't jaundiced, replete with brain-bludgeoning bebop or soul stabbing symphonics, flashing bits and bobs, or fauxwards and badges reminiscent of boy scouts.

I start with the profile, hoping as always to get a little back story on my mark. Legacy 2000, who exactly are you? From the staggering amount of info in the profile, I garner Legacy 2000 is an XY involved with two other blogs. Given the spartan nature of his profile, I peruse the other blogs looking for clues but no such luck. A once over of Stranger in A Strange Town tells me that Legacy 2000 last blogged in August and has logged a total of sixteen posts for 2010. With the busy week of lashings Miss Missives has had, I have to say, I salute the brevity. Still, 92 followers on 16 posts? This Legacy must be a veritable savant. It isn't often that a blog has so few posts that I am allowed the pleasure of reviewing it post by post, picking over its meat and marrow with my sharpened nails until only the carcass remains.

Okay, first post, 1991:
It is barely two paragraphs. I love flash fiction but the mere seventy-five words on the page, perhaps intended to convey a certain ennui, are utterly forgettable. The words are gone faster than a Tic-Tac between my molars and far less memorable.

On to post two, Into the Looking Glass:
Again, it is brief. If it is meant to be symbolic, I don't get it. Miss Missives is beginning to think Legacy 2000 needs to be put over her knee.

Post three, This Old House:
Well, this one is quite a bit longer. This post did elicit some feelings but I am confused as to whether he buried someone in the basement or lost a family home in the widespread mortgage crunch. There is the hint of a narrative here but it is somehow, detached from the writing.

Post four, Stranger in a Strange Town:
Ah, the title post. Perhaps there is a profile buried here.

We are all travellers, our destination the same, the journey itself all that matters.

Feh. This strikes me as Fauxlosophical and Legacy 2000's words are beginning to feel like giant swaths of heavy, beige, velvet weighing down my eyelids.

Post Five, Then and Now:
Here is the sum total of what I took from this post, Cheers is no longer Cheers. Where's Norm? Who's Norm?

Post Six, At the End of the Rainbow:
So it would appear that he is recently divorced. It feels like he is trying to talk himself into something, I don't find it compelling.

Post Seven, Death of a Stranger:
All I can say is what the fuck man, what the fuck?

Post Eight, Old Friends
At the very least, I get this but it still feels removed some how.

Post Nine, Song on the Radio:
Is Legacy 2000 smoking pot or under the haze of a plethora of prescribed painkillers? At this point I am entirely unsure of the point of this blog.

Post Ten, For Crying Out Loud:
I am thinking the same thing. Am I done yet? So he went to a strip club and met a girl who needed him for a few minutes. So what. He should be thankful he wasn't talked in to paying for her breast implants. I know it is meant to be poignant and full of regret but Legacy 2000 still fails to tell a story. I know there is a story in there somewhere, beneath all the packing material but it fails to surface.

Post Eleven The Girl with April in Her Eyes:
My own eyes are glazing over and all I can think is this is what people write when they are thinking too hard about how "writers" "write".

Post One-Hundred and Twelve, oops, Post Twelve, just feels like Post One-Hundred and Twelve, Original Sin:
This is the best post yet and offers a glimmer of hope that this guy can actually write. There is narrative, there are impressions and even one very memorable sentence. This is better, much better.

Post Thirteen, Strange Days:
Poems are not my thing but this is at the very least evocative.

Post Fourteen, Old Man:
Ok, so dad drank him self to death and now I get a visual of our author stuck perhaps, safely encasing little tidbits of emotion in thick kraft paper, wrapping it in loops of twine until the small gift inside is entirely obscured.

Post Fifteen, The Prisoner:
Nothing to see here folks, move along. Ok, I am the real prisoner here but I am nearing the end.

Post Sixteen, Lady in Red
Again, a modicum of evocativeness but the mere skeleton of an impression.


I am left feeling like this is a shell of a blog. It's a brown paper package and I know there is something underneath but I don't know what's there and I'm not sure I even care anymore. The brown paper package could be filled with poo, a tween's Halloween prank or it could be a man who is trying to write in earnest but cannot get out of his own way.

From the Miss with the Missives, you get a










because like many before you, you're doin' it wrong

you get one of these for being purposefully enigmatic







but for your brevity, you get a half star.

27 comments:

  1. "Fauxlosophical" is my new favorite word. As in, "The Matrix was a wretched, fauxlosophical disaster."

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  2. okay....with the risk of repeating myself cos this page when spaz...I just wanted to say awesome I think 'poo-kages' is.

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  3. Fuck it all to hell.

    "okay....with the risk of repeating myself cos this page WENT spaz...I just wanted to say HOW awesome I think 'poo-kages' is."

    You lot knew what I meant.

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  4. I'm pretty sure the primary reason I read this blog is because my vocabulary procreates exponentially with each post.

    Oh, that and I'm desperate to discover other new, good writing...
    Psssh.

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  5. Thanks for the review - it's my favourite to date. Where do I go for my spanking?

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  6. Love it Miss Missives, I can always count on you to coin me some new faves.

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  7. Legacy, you bad boy, good on you to come over and let the paddling commence in earnest.

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  8. I really liked Original Sin.

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  9. Miss, anytime you're ready. Just to appease your curiosity, here's some back-story:
    http://opineapparatus.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-blogger.html

    Formerly, thanks. I enjoyed being there, but all these years later, I miss the car more than the girl.

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  10. Ok, I agree with the "deliberately vague" but I would have put you younger.

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  11. For the deliberately vague pieces to work for me, we either need to know more about you, preface the piece with a sentence or two backstory or mix those pieces with more straight forward ones.

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  12. MM,

    I wonder if you're being a bit too literal. Maybe they're just little stories that aren't meant to represent something realistic from his life. Maybe they're just exercises. I really like him. In a vague way (and not just the template color), he reminds me of Sack Possett.

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  13. I can see why you might compare this to Sack Possett but Sack is evocative with interesting use of language and a lyrical style. In fact, looking over a few of Sp's recent posting, there is no comparison.

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  14. Sack writes lovely little vague blurbs, but hers are so precisely descriptive.
    If you are going to be willfully obtuse, at least contribute something poignant to the internet.

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  15. I think I liked him a little bit too.

    There were hints in the posts that he was an oldie. The Chris De Burgh song being a giveaway. (Although I did go to one of his concerts once....when I was 10)

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  16. 1) I'm voting for a brown paper bag filled with poo. At least it's functional in that it can be placed upon my neighbor's house and lit on fire.

    2) Sack Posset is genius. There will never be another.

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  17. Did I just say a brown paper bag of poo could be placed upon my neighbor's house and lit on fire?
    That's just wrong.
    It's so Freaudian slippy that I am unable to now enjoy imagining putting shit on her porch and flickin' my Bic.
    Damn.

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  18. Maybe I'll just make her a nice hefty batch of pumpkin muffins to make up for my angry thoughts.

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  19. Of course, it's more likely that I'll just continue down the path of imagining *oops* poppin' her in the mouth with my crow bar.

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  20. Miss, which part of "deliberately vague" is not clear? If I were to tell you more or preface with some backstory, it wouldn't be, oh hell, I know you get the concept.

    And unless I read the wrong Sack Posset, while I do find her style intriguing, c'mon man, her posts are way more wtf than mine.

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Sorry about that, Legacy, and thanks for the tip. Fixed now. Sometimes shit gets bojangled.

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  23. On a more important note, friend, I feel like your "deliberately vague" shit reminds me of "too lazy or scared to specify."

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  24. Being vague for the sake of being vague is just annoying. Sack is vague for the sake of coyness. If you want to be coy, you need a lot more charm.

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  25. AND: Shouldn't you be Legacy2001?

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  26. Maybe I'm just vague because I don't want y'all to know any more than I want to tell. And I know that I'll never be damn near cute enough to be coy.

    And yeah, I can see how you might think that, but the name had to do with YouTube, planned obsolescence, and an old o/s. The red light came later. Maybe I'll write an annoyingly vague allegorical post about it someday.

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  27. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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Grow a pair.