Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Did the vibrating universe tell you this shit ball was coming your way?

I'll admit it, I worry about my karma sometimes. I worry that this nasty little endeavor may somehow putrefy my already gangrenous, skid marked soul with each review I write. I know that sometimes the energy I'm putting forth into the universe is riddled with negativity and I know that this energy will somehow find its way back to me and probably wreck anal havoc on me with a giant spiked dildo when I least expect it.

I know the world doesn't need more assholes. I get that. Really, I do.

But El,there are certain things I can't read, walk away from calmly, and not want to set your minivan on fire, I'm sorry.

Reading your blog is like having someone try to convince me to sign up for a seminar on the power of positive real estate when all I want to do is bury my dead cat that I've been keeping in my freezer. Does that make sense?

Listen, I'm not going to any fucking seminar, so you can forget about it. And I don't want to buy any of the shit you have in the back of your van. You can keep your insight about crystals and your tips on how to connect with hummingbirds.

Oh, what? You're not selling anything? Then why does every one of your posts read like a mix between a condescending infomercial and a scaremongering headline read aloud in baby talk?

Why does reading your blog remind me of all that I hate about our consumerist media culture because the only way you can think to frame your writing is in the context of a cheesy, poorly executed sales pitch? I cannot for the life of me figure out why you want to sell me on your perfectly green spiritually vibrating ohmified life of oneness as if it were an erectile dysfunction medication or a box of cereal.

When you aren't selling me on your perfect life, you're telling me about the problems you have already overcome, your posts being akin to self-contained sitcoms where everything resolves itself before the 30 minutes are up. No cliffhangers, no character development that I can even remotely identify with, no compromised heroes, no layers of emotion. Just a big ass pile of happy perfection wrapped up in a moldy tortilla of tired, greener-than-thou proselytizing.

This is all interspersed with your being salted and pummeled by your own mental shit show, confirming to the reader that you are far from having your shit together like you're constantly reminding your readers with the graceful subtlety of an ice pick to the head.

I wanted to give you a MEH, really I did, just to not filth up the universe and all. But you earned yourself a MEH based on exclamation point abuse alone and so once I added everything else I hated about your blog, I could only give you this:

115 comments:

  1. Poor thing. Thought she was a rare flower and it turns out she sells pintos to border-jumpers.

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  2. From the blogger's post about limiting beliefs: He’s been dropping hints in a playful way that he thinks I need to get my shit together and get the laundry done and I’ve been agreeing but blowing him off.

    Kind of makes me want to do laundry at her house; I enjoy being blown off as much as the next guy. Perhaps I need to drop more playful hints.

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  3. I bet she wears a caftan.


    Like Mrs. Roeper

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Are you sure this review won't disturb her cosmic vibrations? If so, I'm sure someone in the peanut gallery has a dildo-mator 3000 to spare.

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  6. "Then why does every one of your posts read like a mix between a condescending infomercial and a scaremongering headline read aloud in baby talk?"

    Praise you for this, Madame Bellicose, praise you for all that you are.

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  7. PS
    Last time I thought I was having a cosmic vibration, it turns out I just needed a medicated cream.
    Who knew!

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  8. comment of the week, right there.

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  9. Did you see the tab with all the ebooks?

    She writes like an inspirational infomercial because that's what she reads.

    If there was anything to the Secret, whole manifest your destiny by visualizing it all the time, more fifteen year old boys would be having awkward sex with Norwegian supermodels.

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  10. Rass: Praise!
    Miss: Praise!
    The word miracle: I'm going to stab you in the fuckin' face.

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  11. Did you see the tab that says Donate?

    "I’m a stay-at-home mom and every $5 makes a difference in my life. I take nothing for granted because life is too short.

    If you send me $5, I appreciate it. If you send me $50, I appreciate it. If you tell a friend about my site or stumble me, I appreciate it. No matter how large or small your contribution, it is deeply appreciated from the bottom of my heart. I live a magically blessed life and I hope you do too."

    Is she fucking serious? Because listen up, suckers--here's how she's spending your $5:

    "I spend “Day Spa Monday” relaxing and recharging during the school year, every week. I do inexpensive home style spa type treatments and relax and veg for the whole day. Sometimes I’ll have lunch with a friend, but usually I just mellow out alone.

    I don’t need a reason to be good to me. I deserve it!"

    You, dear reader, deserve to go to work. El, on the other hand, deserves your $5 (or $50) so she can paint her toenails.

    I really, really hope she spills nailpolish all over something she really, really likes.

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  12. Oh, fuck that. What a stupid, selfish cow. You know what? I want gambling money and a puppy. Every gift is appreciated.

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  13. I was kinda wondering where comment of the week was.

    I hated being mean to her because 10% of me is scared she'll cast a spell on me.

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  14. I'd like fifty bucks so I can get a nice display rack for my crow bars.
    And another fifty to get bailed out of jail after I stab the word miracle in the fuckin' face.
    Oh, and I have no plans of appreciating or thanking you for your donation.

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  15. I just realized I mispelled 'omified', but since it's a word I just made up, I guess it doesn't really matter.

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  16. I'd like $50 so I can buy some new underwear.

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  17. I want money so I can pay for a housekeeper. That way I can dedicate my time to kicking more internet ass.

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  18. Day Spa Monday? That must have prepped her up pretty good for Ass-Rippin Wednesday.

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  19. He he he...

    What's wrong? Jealous?

    Thanks for all the traffic. You'd be amazed how many of your readers browsed a LOT and stayed for coffee.
    I thought I'd get a review from someone who would read more than 10 posts from over a year ago, but I guess it was too much to ask.

    Sort of makes your title misleading:) LOL
    Have a lovely day.

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  20. PS. You'll want to stab the word miracle in the face with a fucking machete if you could see the donations I've gotten :)

    Or me. Either way, it's all good.

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  21. I thought you were all for diminishing the suffering in the world. Why would you then want anyone to read more than ten of your posts?

    For the record I did read more than ten posts, found nothing new in the recent stuff and was too lazy to go back through and find links for my examples because I figured I had already spent enough of my time sifting through crap.

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  22. Oop.. my bad.. 10 things from 2009 and 2 things from August 2010.

    Don't deny being a douche. That's just douchey.

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  23. this is a recent example of how your posts open like sales pitches and portray perfection that I don't buy and how your exclamation point usage annoys the fuck out of me.

    There are hundreds of others but I'm already bored.

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  24. It's okay...
    I've looked through your previous reviews and you pretty much hate everything....

    It stands to reason you would strongly hate someone who is generally good natured, happy, and excited about life in general.

    It was actually sort of unfair to be paired with you. But it's all good... really.

    I honestly am loving the traffic and I do think it's funny that there's so many staying for so long. Makes listening to your opinion worth it ;)

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  25. My being a douchey has nothing to do with how many of your posts I read.

    I won't deny being a douche if you don't deny that you try to portray yourself as perfect and that when you write you are compelled to try to sell your readers on something that shouldn't be sold.

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  26. Actually, my last review was an IFLY. You should actually visit that blog, you would learn a lot from her.

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  27. Glad to be of assistance for your traffic. I hope it gets you a new set of bath salts.

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  28. I've been a subscriber here for a while actually.

    And it's not that I want to portray my life as perfect... because what's perfect to you may not be even remotely the same.

    That's the whole point. That you have control over your own life and you should decide what it is that you actually want out of life and DO it and MAKE your life what you want it to be.... or "perfect" if you insist.

    I won't apologize for loving my life. What on earth is wrong with that?

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  29. Nothing is wrong with loving your life but I just don't believe a person can be that happy all the time. And even if it's real, there's no way on earth I'm going to enjoy reading it. In the same way that I don't believe romantic comedies where everything always works out perfectly in the end, and why I like movies where the line between the good guys and the bad guys is blurred - because it's realistic.

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  30. In other words your writing doesn't seem human to me.

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  31. Now that's a review I can get on board with. Thanks for this last one.

    Erectile dysfunction: God's way of saying... "No hard feelings."

    (!)
    muah Oxoxx~

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  32. Ha Ha..no fair, I replied before you called me inhuman! LOL

    All good... like I said... you don't have to like me. I'll still subscribe to you. That mask looks good on you :)

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  33. Haven't been this entertained by the comments... in well, ever!!!

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  34. El-
    Yeah, I bet those donations are rolling in. Anytime you want to compare bank accounts just let me know.

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  35. What gives, El? Can't handle abundance in your life when it's shoved up your ass with a handful of sand?

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  36. *Snicker*

    That was colorful.

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  37. "Thanks for all the traffic."

    Really? I read this and said to myself, a person with this sort of an attitude toward writing violates my sensibilities.

    I had an extremely vulgar and offensive analogy lined up here, but have decided to keep it to myself until my next review of a traffic mongerer.

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  38. New Blog Rule: If you make money off traffic, I won't visit your blog unless I have to. And then, I'll read it in Google Reader or something so you don't get the pageviews.

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  39. I love how El Baffer is trying to make us angry that people read her blog.

    Hey, Baffer? I'm not angry you get donations. Someone out there is fucking stupid enough to give you money, I don't give a fuck. Their loss. Personally I think it could be better spent on like, I don't know, the homeless, or relief in New Orleans, maybe invest in a school playground or something.

    There are people out there with generosity and money to give. I understand asking for a donation to help with medical bills or something. But spa treatment? Nope, that does not sit right with me.

    I don't care how hopeful you are, or how blessed you feel. That's just plain ugly and selfish.

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  40. Oh, and Baffer? Take your haughty, ungrateful bullshit somewhere else.

    Because this:

    "I thought I'd get a review from someone who would read more than 10 posts from over a year ago, but I guess it was too much to ask."

    "It was actually sort of unfair to be paired with you."

    comes from the mouth of someone who believes she deserves things in life that most people have to work for.

    After those responses, more than any other reviewee, you, lady, are a fucking fraud.

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  41. I don't get paid for traffic. But that IS how you get readers... new traffic.

    I also don't ask for money. No one signs up for anything or buys anything or has to give away any information. There isn't even ads on my blog.

    I have one small donation button and I think it's hysterical that it's all you guys can focus on. It's all you see.

    Open your eyes darlin.

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  42. And it's also funny that you think I deserve nothing because I think relaxing in a bathtub once a week is nice.

    Clearly I am the spawn of Satan.

    How dare I raise kids, take care of a man, 2 dogs, 2 cats, balance a household and believe I deserve a soak in the tub once a week.

    What a bitch I am :)

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  43. Nobody said anything about you being unworthy of raising kids and having cats n shit. All we're talking about is your blog. That said, I think you would annoy the shit out of me if I met you in person. But who knows? Maybe you would cast a spell on me and I would fall in love with you.

    I didn't even comment in the review on your donation button because I think that's the least of your worries.

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  44. I was actually speaking directly to Shinerpunch who thinks I'm a fraud because I bathe apparently. Believing I'm deserving enough to soak in the tub once a week.

    And apparently I should have to work for a reviewer who was thorough and not believe I just deserve one.
    Was that right Shinerpunch?

    And you, MG, sure seem caught up in the spell casting thing. I guess it didn't land as well as you'd hoped the first times :)

    I'll give you a "Meh,", but if your comedic genius doesn't improve... flaming fingers may be in YOUR future.

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  45. And the comment about the traffic was just because I was genuinely surprised that I got so much that looks like quality traffic from such a horrendous review.

    Sorry if I'm an asshole for that. lol

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  46. No. That was a completely wrong interpretation. It's because you responded with condescension to a free review that you solicited yourself, and when you felt you were treated unfairly, which you most definitely were not, you were angry.

    Just because she linked ten posts doesn't men she didn't read the whole thing. It means she linked ten fucking posts. If you ask me, she was fucking thorough.

    You're a fraud because you preach positive thinking and loving thoughts with unhealthy undercurrents of lofty disdain and self-righteousness.

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  47. Actually, I followed her on stat counter. I know what pages she was on. I wasn't just being a douche. I was being serious. I thought she'd read more than 10 posts from over a year ago.

    And you're free to your opinion about the rest.

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  48. I read several blogs about the power of hope and positive thinking. They inspire me to get involved, they motivate me to feel better about myself and the people around me, they help me see things with a fresh pair of eyes, and they do it in beautiful detail and sincerity.

    I felt none of that on your blog.

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  49. Well then I guess I'm not for you then :)

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  50. El--
    You're just flat out lying when you say that you don't ask for money.

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  51. Thanks for the flaming finger, El. Too bad you're wasting it on what you think I said about your donation can and spell casting. Didn't type a word about either.

    How about this though:
    I think I would like it if you would "cast a spell" on me so I can pretend it worked by acting nervous and then evacuating my bowel on top of all of the old cigarette butts in your rusty donation can.

    There, now you can give me a flaming finger.

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  52. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. That was tasty. I just love talking about evacuating my bowel.

    Say, Madame Bellicose, can I get a star or two for typing 'evacuate my bowel' more than once in a comment thread?

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  53. I'm feeling all visual and everything. You know, like shiny-happy-people-El is getting all upset with us and having to rub meditation stones all over her frontal lobe to prevent herself from kicking the shit out of her cats.

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  54. "Make it go away! Make it go away! Make my angry, donation seeking naughty thoughts go away."

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  55. Maybe you should go take a bath, El. Honestly. When you're in there I hope you'll take time to ponder how pathetic your logic about life being hard because you have a husband, 2 kids and 2 cats.
    Let me explain:
    1) You chose to marry your husband
    2) You chose to fuck him at least twice, thus, 2 kids
    2) You choose to have animals that shit in a box in your house

    Sorry. I'm just not your gal when it comes dealing well with attitudes of entitlement such as yours.
    I am, however, your gal if you would like me to evacuate my bowel into your donation can.

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  56. Nothing wrong with wanting to have a spa day, just asking for someone else to pay for it. You want a spa day? Do what the rest of us do and give your husband a blow job for christsake. At least you'd have some dignity left.

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  57. STAR! I said "evacuate my bowel" again!

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  58. Ugh. Okay.. that's clearly my cue to exit. There's only so much blatant ignorance one can take.

    I will apologize however. I said Mongolian Girl, but I meant Madame Bellicose.

    You're such a delight mongolian. Angry and bitchy and just full of shit and fire. Hope you work that all out someday.

    In the meantime, keep blogging about shitting your pants. I'm sure the world is riveted.
    And what is this obsession you have with anal cavities and feces? Sexy!

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  59. I would try to get an 'I fucking love you' by getting "evacuate my bowel" into a sentence tinged with sexual references, but it would just be too much.
    I mean, you guys don't want to hear about the whole 'will you shit on my chest' thing.

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  60. This is too much. El, you and I just simultaneously commented about shit and sex at the same time.
    I fucking love you! OK, not really. But I do love your donation can. OK, not really. But I do love my comments about taking a dump in it.

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  61. Looks like shit works better on El than rubbing meditation stones on her forehead. Score for the shit storm!
    Oh, and Mandy's funny. If I'm still awake when Hellbilly gets home from work I'm going to smoke the while owl like nobody's business.

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  62. Excuse me, but I started the whole shitting your pants craze. I resent you giving MG credit for that.

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  63. Alright El, here's an unexpected plot twist for you - it turns out that your stat counter only saw the posts that I read that did not show up in my google reader and hence I had to access them directly by actually opening your blog, something I tried to avoid as much as possible. Nice try Sherlock.

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  64. Oh, and I'm honored to be confused with Mongolian Girl.

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  65. woooowee! look what fun I have been missing!

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  66. nobody seemed to notice how relevant thanny's remark was.

    By the way, did any of you fuckers even watch the video i linked? It really represents the relationship i've developed with today's reviewee.

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  67. oh and i actually do want to hear about chest shitting. things be getting routine with the school janitor with this baby makin business.

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  68. mongobaby i'm losing it over here visualizing meditation stones and hissing cats. That will really fuck up a spa day now won't it?

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  69. Yeah, I saw you. Google I want to think it was. I don't remember and I'm not searching for it.

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  70. Gap you are most concise.

    I love that about you.

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  71. Sounds like somebody bettah be giving Sharta her due for being the shit (or shart, as the case may be) starter that she is.
    I mean that.

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  72. For a person who purports to be in harmony with the universe and all, it certainly didn't take long for her to get her panties all twisted up.

    You know who spends a lot of time reading about how to connect with one's happiness and how to manifest happiness and how to visualize happiness...??

    I'll give you a clue, it's not happy people.

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  73. Also, what the hell does "Google I want to think it was" mean.

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  74. It means she wants a pumpkin muffin.

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  75. Hey now, wait just.a.minute!
    I just realized El also has 2 dogs.
    Man. I feel terrible.
    2 dogs along with 2 cats, kids and a husband can be really tough.
    I'm sorry, El.
    Please forgive everything I've said and, um, go take a bath or something good. You deserve it.

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  76. I have three kids, a husband two cats, a dog, some embryonic fish and ahem, a job and no one is sending me money to cover my bathsalt addiction.

    Fuck it, I want donations for my exfoliating body scrub.

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  77. FF--Twisted-up panties=sharted-up panties.

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  78. Dangerzone: Only if she promises to run her pretty meditation stones up and down my pretty crow bar first.

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  79. FF, being concise is just a facade. You should see the mess up inside this brain.

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  80. Enjoying this comment thread more than the lame review or the blog that was (apparently) torn apart.
    Mainly because of El's comic rebuttals to your opinions. Nothing beats the fun in watching someone who goes with an intent to tear someone apart, get his/her own ass torn in the process.
    You sure didn't expect this, didn't ya?

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  81. Actually, vishu, we do expect things like this. El is nothing spectacular or unique when it comes to this:
    1) Typing 'iwillfuckingtearyouapart' and hitting 'enter' to get to this here holy place 2) Claiming to have read the information on the FAQ and Submit pages
    3) Reading through a few of the blogs that have been ranked 'IFLY'
    4) Deciding she would like to be reviewed
    5) and then getting all pissy when she doesn't get a review she agrees with

    Also, if we take the definition of 'rebut' to be 'to counter by way of offering countervailing proof', no. She still has that silly little blog she's offering up and, I assure you, it offers no countervailing proof that her review or the comments about it should have been any different.

    She may have been trying to rip some ass in this comment thread but, I submit to you that it was only an attempt (bless her heart) to get extra 'deposits' for her donation can.

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  82. Vishnu, the way I see it is El showed up and we all took a collective dump in her donation can, and she's now trying to figure out how to convert the giant shit into angels.

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  83. El is a vibrating Lameass11/04/2010 10:18 AM

    Vishnu is El.

    Only El would think her comments "comic".

    The reviewed are typically the only ones who think the review itself is lame or even care really.

    Only El would think she tore anyone's ass apart, not being familiar with the more interesting and literate folks who have challenged us here.

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  84. Wait, what? Who's ass did she tear apart? What opinion did she offer? At all? All she did was put smiley faces at the end of her comments and piss me off.

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  85. Let's all do the crunk to Soulja Boy now.

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  86. "I know daddy works, but where do you get your money from, mommy?"

    "Oh, I beg for change online. Yeah. Listen, there are a lot of suckers out there, honey, willing to give you cash for no reason at all. You should remember that too, as a life lesson: always ask people for money, sweetheart, no matter how good you've got it."

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  87. This comment thread was amazing. Almost to 100! Very cool.

    I want to thank you guys for taking the time to read and review my blog. Really. Even though I clearly rub many of you the wrong way, some of you stuck around and subscribed, and that's awesome.

    I linked back to you here.
    http://www.thesmilingspirit.com/2010/11/04/my-vibrating-universe-apparently-on-the-fritz/

    I hope you get as much traffic and new follows :)

    Vibrating away in my caftan with pockets filled with a lifetime supply of bath salts and meditation stones~ Oxoxx(!)( :D )

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  88. Sorry I missed out on all the fun. Hunnert!

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  89. You are a seriously sick individual, Madame Bellicose; and I'm glad I don't have the displeasure of knowing you!

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  90. Wait! El, don't forget your rusty, shit filled donation can!

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  91. Whose mom is playing the part of anonymous today?

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  92. P.S. Really, ya dumb fuck? I can just see you hovering over your stat counter to see how many people follow the link you posted in the above comment. Hope you enjoy discovering your blog is being used to prove that people can indeed be bored to death.

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  93. Anonymous: Nice set of balls. Really. Your comment really skeered me.

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  94. P.P.S. Sorry about calling you a dumb fuck, El. I normally prefer 'jack ass', but I happen to own an actual jack ass and just don't feel good about myself when I attach his species to those who are so deeply unworthy.

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  95. Attention, everyone! Attention!

    I just checked the stat counter (BOOM) and since El Baffer posted the link on her blog, we have had TWO PEOPLE CLICK OVER! And sooooooo many new subscribers! YAY!

    :)

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  96. Probably about the same amount that visited my sadly neglected blog today.

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  97. Thank you, Anon. I make no claims to be well.

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  98. Hey Shiner, yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang

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  99. Johnny, your maternal parent was so fat, she couldn't outrun a Apatosaurus.

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  100. Hey hairball, not cool. Her scales make her look fatter.

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  101. My mom's so fat, she has smaller fat ladies orbiting around her.

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  102. Technically it would be an Apatosaurus no?

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Grow a pair.