Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Fuck.

There are people in the world who have time to write like, every f__ing day.  I have barely enough time on my hands to scratch up one post a month, having chosen a career that makes data entry look like the f___ing Superbowl.  Also, how can I expect other reviewers to finish their posts when I don't even have time to pretend I'm going to write one?

The main reason it took me so f___ing long to write this f___ing review was this: JennyMac is a mommyblogger (she would probably write a response to this that says, "NO, I am a MOM who BLOGS) who likes "cocktails" and has well over a million bajillion entries.  She also has a million bajillion fans, who would probably rush to her aid at the slightest criticism because they don't like being told they have generic taste. 

Mac, when you've been blogging long enough to have over 300 entries:  consider creating a "best of" page. Are you proud you wrote this?  Do you wish more people would read a particular entry?  Because sifting through over 500 of them is no easy task. Your header image almost fits into my screen...ahp, nope.  No it doesn't.  It leaks sideways because it's huge and full of water martinis and thin, chic, casually-leaning models. Fix it.

Whatever, Jenny Mac seems very nice and cute and should probably have her own Chuck Lorre sitcom where hilarity strikes with a stressful moving day or a naive misunderstanding, where taking the Lord's name in vain (so bad!) and covering it up quickly with a well-placed pun results in uproarious laugh tracks and stray giggles, but I'm afraid I just don't have the skill to pretend that I find that s__t funny.  It's too formulaic.  She takes small events with the idea of turning them into something bombasticly hilarious, but it's just set-up, punchline.  Set-up.  Punchline.  Set-up.  Punchline. 

Rarely does the punchline have any relevance to the set up, it's just a little snappy comeback she's proud of slapping on the end of a sentence in a random situation.  These things don't add any human quality to the mix, because she's only showing us her self-approved quirks, not hopes and blood and secrets and fear which becomes hilarious because it has to be, because if it's not funny then it's sad and sad is bad.  Ideally we want all honest knuckles and laughter...but no, that's not what JennyMac is. 

From a technical standpoint, JennyMac is nonpareil. Her spelling is impeccable, her grammar has improved greatly since the beginning of the blog (there were so many unsatisfying run-on sentences I almost quit reading it and flame-fingered her a__), she uses good words and gets her point across.  Sometimes she's super cheese, but I like that.  Sometimes.  When it works. 

For the most part, though, it reads like cartoon bubbles between disembodied Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson, adorable and relatable because of they are "real women" with "flaws" just like "you and me."  She tries to describe awkward and embarassing situations, but I'm never embarrassed for her.  I never get that, "Oh s__t, no f____ing way, dude.  No.  F___ing.  Way." And sometimes I feel awful. I feel awful because this made me feel nothing.  I feel awful because she doesn't want to share her fears and desires, or she has no fears and desires and I can't tell which, and I feel awful because I don't give a s__t about her fears and desires because she doesn't seem like a real person. 

But it's fine, right?  It's all fine.  JennyMac, your blog is fine, moderately enjoyable, and you seem like a nice, genuine person.  Genuinely nice people are hard to review.  Like most nice people, you claim to have a bitchy side every once in awhile but I honestly don't think you do, and that pisses me off, too, because it means you're either a liar (not nice) or delusional (most likely) and that is always frustrating.

Maybe it's because in the grand scheme of crazy and ridiculous, you aren't.  I just can't get all giggly over a walk of shame, because bitch?  I did that last night.  The only good part about that story was the note from Action Jackson, and that's just because I've put bike locks around drunk people before and it's hilarious.  Once I duct-taped two people together in a lawn chair and threw them in a river.

Don't get all butt-hurt, it wasn't a very deep river.

But one of my biggest pet peeves is getting cheated out of a good, well-deserved fuck.  What the fuck?  Just fucking say fuck, you fuck. Not saying fuck is fucking annoying as fuck.  Either you mean fuck or you mean something else, and if you mean something else THEN FUCKING SAY SOMETHING ELSE.

Fuck.




and








because I am awesome at irony.


Also?  Sorry about the wait.

26 comments:

  1. Miss Missives1/04/2011 9:06 PM

    Ok, so what no one besides you knows is tat I was supposed to do this review and got so apathetic after reading JennyMac that I just stopped doing reviews at all. Probably a good thing for many the reviewee out there waiting in the queue. Shiner, you put it perfectly, what I couldn't seem to put my finger on. She was good, decent even, but she made me feel nothing. Like the guy that is good on paper but can't make you come no matter how hard and how often he tries to give it to you. The whole thing felt like a persona instead of a person. Too bad really because I bet she's just all caught up in the "JennyMac" blogger brand and really if she shook off a little of that, she might just be good. But that's also the case with most goodish bloggers.

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  2. Absolutely one hundred percent spot on Shiner.

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  3. Lou Grant: You've got a lot of spunk, don't you?
    Mary Richards: Gee, Mr. Grant, I guess I do.
    Lou Grant: I hate spunk.

    And I hate the words shenanigans, sassy and skedaddle and for fuck's sake, what is a spry comment?

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  4. I read one post, and decided I don't want to be preached at.

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  5. I never got a sense of preaching so much as a sense of entitlement to opinion.

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  6. And everyone is entitled to an opinion, as long as the internet is ruled by fucking AMERICA. YEAH I SAID IT. But whoopdeefriggindo, you think things. Gold star? Just one.

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  7. I am so fucking tired of the martini as default-icon for sassy women's blogs. Seriously. It's up there with 'musings of a blah-blah-blah' and 'confessions of a who-gives-a-fuck-unless-you're-nutty-nutty-Chuck-Barris-as-written-by-Charlie-Kaufman' as the most overdone blog accoutrements. Everyone, please, find a new symbol of casual-classiness.

    Appreciado.

    Also, "beejy": Simple spelling mistake or phoentic Atlantan clusterfuck?

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  8. Sam Rockwell is fucking dreamy. And don't you forget it.

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  9. beejy: a word to aptly describe the nights on Broadway

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  10. You know what's sassy? Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are sassy.

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  11. Choke? Rockwell was a man-god of excessive dreaminess. And anal-beads.

    Excessive dreaminess and anal-beads.

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  12. Her blog makes me sleepy and agitated at the same time.

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  13. Sam Rockwell's dreaminess cannot be forgotten. Even after having fallen into stupor of boredom after reading a few posts by today's reviewee.

    I love you Shiner.

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  14. People, STOP all the mutual admiration foreplay comment crap and just fuck already.

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  15. Um, Gap? Are you saying you'd like to fuck? This could be very good new in light of the fact that I've been telling my husband that I need a sister-wife.
    Call me.

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  16. Butt hurt? Oh dear, Shiner.

    Um, yeah. Didn't do much for me. Unlike the review. Who says I need to fuck already when I am done and dusted after a bloody good review?

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  17. Mongo - I would consider being your sister wife if you and hubby will take of all of us. I won't even need to have sex with your hubs if you'll just help me raise these kids and teach them to ride horses and shit. I need a sister wife, like in the worst way.

    Shiner - I don't know of anyone who could have pulled off this review so spot on perfect, I'm uncurling my toenails as I write.

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  18. I think you've been extremely kind about this blog. Its success has always mystified me, and the way the English language gets mangled in the name of showing off some of its more obscure words makes my toes curl with embarrassment. You absolutely nailed the way she ends her posts. She might as well conclude each one with "I'm just sayin'" and she couldn't sound more lame.

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  19. Great review. I have no compunction to dig deep into the mommy-blogger, martini-drinker.

    And Franklin: Love the quotes .. especially because in the UK, spunk = spooge (semen).

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  20. I might have been too easy on her, because I will probably never read her blog again. But she never made me angry enough for flaming fingers.

    I do like, however, that she deleted the comment I left her telling her about the review.

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  21. No, revisionism is the Jenny Mac way. Once she decided she didn't like me she deleted a bunch of comments on my blog tonguing my rim.

    You can bet if she'd got an IFLY she would have written a post about it by now. Maybe two.

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  22. Reading that Wonder Bread, vanilla bullshit made me want to vomit.

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  23. London, you're exactly right. Personally, I've never been one for the "do not acknowledge it until it goes away" strategy myself. Fucking gutless.

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  24. Kono, you know? spot on, that. But still, she seemed so nice...

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Grow a pair.