Monday, January 10, 2011

Here Comes Another One, Just Like.....

Happiness is an Internal Pursuit is the name of the blog being reviewed today. That sounds pretty deep and meaningful and shit. But you know what else is an internal pursuit? A pap smear. However, you don’t see women putting that one in their blog readers to be revisited at weekly intervals. From what I have heard, it is a once in every two years experience that is akin to having fingernails scraped down a blackboard. Except in your vagina.

So already this review has taken a review south. But I knew that when Shiner gave me my next mission, which I chose to accept. It unfortunately did not blow up in a delicate-ball-of-paper-sized explosion when I had finished with it.

Here is the bit where you realise I am a grouchy old dinosaur. Not to be confused with the hip young thang we know as Johnny Raptor. He is all up with where it is happening and whatnot. Not so much me. I still like to think of blogs in ‘book’ terms. Number one: it has to grab me on the first page. Usually someone in the book publishing process, least of all the author, will make sure that this will occur with a decent percentage of the people who have picked up the book. Unfortunately for the blog world, there is no editor to tell the blogger, ‘You know, I just think it needs a little more boom, pow, pizzazz? You picking up what I am putting down?’

Sufficed to say, the writerly stylings of Bipasha did not lure me willingly into her world. And here we come to number two on Redpen’s Good Blog list. Use correct punctuation. I am not a nitpicker – I won’t get all up in your grill if you try, and fail, to use a colon or semi-colon properly, but a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence will work wonders if you would like people other than baggy-assed jean wearing tweens with cell phones surgically attached to their fingers to read what you have to say. The ellipse, contrary to the belief of those under 18, it NOT an acceptable fill-in for any other form of punctuation; nor does it make it seem like you are soooo deep and there are so many other ideas peering out from within those little dots; ideas which your awesome intellect could not be bothered elucidating upon. But like the good Indian kid she is, having listened thoroughly to her teachers, Bipasha does manage to give the exclamation mark a good airing. Good girl!

Look, Bipasha is a compassionate woman who lives in a fascinating country. At times she tries to highlight it and I get a little bit intrigued. The problem in that scenario is that it ends being me that does all the imagination leg-work while trying desperately to ignore the abominable teen email/text speak…and FUCK ME. I really thought this chick was young. Like early 20s at the most. I seem to have been proven otherwise which disturbs me on all manners of levels. I really don’t think I can continue on. Thirty-one? Is that a typo?

I really don’t know what else to say Bipasha. You are an intelligent lady who lives in a scary and cool place. You are sweet and idealistic and I am a little bit in love with your dog Dexter. And I like you well enough. You are thoughtful and observant but fuck me if you write (in English at least, the only language in which I am fluent) like a fifteen year old - all grand ideas, a little bit of heart and terrible techno short hand.

This rating isn’t really for you. I mean, just for you, you would get a:




But for the culmination of Indian blogs with the same bloody issues I give you a:










And finally, for Shiner;









I am sorry I made you post my last four reviews. You can tell why by the bloody lay-out of this one. I also did try to think of something more 'hip' to give you but meh. I am nothing if not unoriginal and mother-lovin' lazy.

18 comments:

  1. Dear Reaper,

    Oh, look at me, editing your text so the font is the way I like it.

    On another note, why would you try to give me something "hip"? I didn't ask you to write because I wanted you to be "hip." It's overrated.

    Hearts,
    Shiner

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear RPR,

    PAP tests aren't that bad in the giant scheme of things. Right up there with mammograms on the of things those of us without penises must endure. Root canals are worse (but usually come with good drugs). But bone marrow biopsies are utter he'll. Love the review.

    Hearts,
    HiF

    ReplyDelete
  3. That being said, thank you for the flowers, and I find Bipasha's blog entirely boring. Shit.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear HIF,

    Whatever, pap smears fucking blow.

    Hearts,
    SP

    ReplyDelete
  5. I haven't gotten past the first paragraph of the review yet ... because Pap Smears ... come on ... they are like nothing ... are they? Is my va-jay-jay so insensitive that pap smears don't really register???? Shiner ... really????? Back to the review ....

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's more about shame and vulnerability.

    ReplyDelete
  7. MissMissives1/10/2011 6:19 PM

    I look forward to my pap smear every year, in fact, once in awhile I schedule an extra one just for kicks. I never met a speculum I didn't like:)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey, I am just reporting on what I have been told. Prostate exams ain't no ball either. But then again, girls don't exactly escape from that sort of examination either.

    Well, glad you like the flowers Shiner. I just can't tell if you are the type of gal that would like flowers or would prefer the first edition of some intelligent and obscure book. I will have to think of a better present next time cos yet again my posting skills leave much to be desired. Gah. I tried, I truly did. (I had linked to the blog in the first line...where did that go?)

    Anyway, so back to the review......

    ReplyDelete
  9. Way to alienate any of the men from commenting RPR!

    *Shudder* It is just bloody undignified, that's what it is. Still, I suck it up for the sake of good health.

    Anyhoo. The blog. There do seem to be a lot of Indian blogs in this vein. What is that? Is this lady REALLY in her 30s?

    I like her dog too - cheeky lil bugger!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AND the blog is actually called 'happiness an internal pursuit'...for shame RPR trying to place your grammatical elitism upon others - tsk tsk!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I apologise on behalf of every Indian blogger out here.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You should try a gastroscopy some time. I've read blogs that are even less fun than one of those, but not many.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Another ridiculous header. Why?

    "I'll just write about my blog and paste that shit directly on top of a flower. I am awesome bcoz of that."

    Jesus Christ.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I dunno. My blog is pretty much one long pap smear.

    That said, review is spot on. And Bipasha needs to lay off the !!! and the ....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mongolian Girl1/12/2011 10:01 AM

    The first time I was to get a pap smear I was 13 and had no idea it was coming. No one told me. The nurse just held up the speculum and started describing what was going to happen. Thus, in my University of Missouri Med. Cntr. record is the first written account of me having a violent outburst.

    ReplyDelete
  16. By the way, Reaper, did you ever tell her about the review?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks RedPen Reaper for commenting on my blog. I have incorporated your pointers.

    But I fail to understand your point about Indian blogs. Are you are trying to say that I could not throw any new light or bring out the issues in a more sensitive manner ?

    For the rest who commented on or criticized my blog here, thanks a lot for going through it & posting.

    Point noted, am off "!!!!" and "....." for good. :)

    For the records am 33, so your digs about my maturity is trust me unsettling me more! (One exclamation mark I hope is permitted.)

    ReplyDelete
  18. What I meant was, that the last few Indian blogs that I have reviewed seem to have the same issues in that they have excessive exclamation marks, too much poetry and don't delve into issues etc.

    It is not that I think YOU are immature, but sometimes your style of writing is.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.