Monday, October 09, 2006

I Want A Bamboo Flog

Coconut Bra? Free.
Grass skirt? Free.
An entire day of fun and surfing? Oh hell fuckin yea, and free.

Having your mother manage to send you out on a blind date with a total mensch while you're home for less than 48 hours, and having the guy end up being none other than the absolute freak who stalked you in high school? Priceless.

Accordingly, I'm taking advantage of the "Maui Wowie" stash my little brother keeps on the fifth shelf in the linen closet, and the ice cold bottle of vodka my parents never said was off limits. [Is it me? Or do you revert to pre-teendom when you return to your parents house?] Here's to praying Bamboo Lemur Boys are Mean to Their Girls isn't a total shit stain, or I see an OD in my future.

I should know better than to put my faith into praying. I remember the template being completely different this morning, and I remember rather liking the template that I saw. But, the template changed and I get to judge the template I see before me and let me just say that you shouldn't have changed it. It's a cute idea--hand prints all over--but the implementation is horrendous. The blog title is damn near impossible to read, and the hand prints make the text over it impossible to read. If you have no intention of making things readable, don't fucking post it on the world wide mother fucking web. Fuck! If you want an obnoxious background, make it fixed because nothing is more annoying than having text that is damn near impossible to read because of the background it's on, oh! except when the horrendous background follows you down the page thus making EVERYTHING written damn near impossible to read.

I will say that the sidebar, which I pretty much had to use night vision goggles to see, is neat and the actual layout of the blog is good too. But for the love of G-d woman, get rid of the blogger navigation bar, roll up the archives, and fix get rid of the entire background for the template.

But what about content, you say? Well, from what little I could read, it's not horrible. The first two posts I saw are all shades of touchy feely, which I can understand. We all have our own personal issues and I fully understand that blogs are a great place to lay it all out there, BUT it has no real context, it has no back story, it just lays it out there. When it's not touchy feely, it just takes on this air of self deprecation-blog style. I'm all for self loathing, in fact I practice it daily; however, there are various ways of being a self deprecating whore. I tend to make a joke out of it, she tends to make a bitch and whine fest out of it. To each their own.

I will say she writes well, and I can definitely see why people would take the time out of their day to squint and damn near go blind attempting to read this blog. Personally, it's just not my style.

I give it a for the template. Dear lord woman, I'm stoned out of my mind on some prime cheebah and I can't even handle it. And what' sup with the title?!

I also give it because she is a rather good writer. It's not her fault I just can't get into it.

Alright. Puff, puff, pass. Keep it going People.

19 comments:

  1. I'm just amazed that you managed to write an entire post with no discernable typos while toking the good stuff. That takes talent. And I should know.

    As for the blog, I like it, if only the template splatter didn't interfere with the text.

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  2. That template is brand new. I was shocked to see it this morning. It does make it a little hard to read, but what she writes is still great.

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  3. Damn I hate that you reviewed me when I was fucking whining. Bad fucking timing dammit.

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  4. Gypsy:It's a talent and a gift that I thank the good lord for daily. I find it hilarious that I'm the one who critiques blogs, and yet? I had no idea there was a spell check feature until about 10 minutes ago.

    Des: I know the template is brand new, and I was kind of disappointed that she changed it in the four hours between my initial look, and the review. She does write great, but I think I came to the party a bit late and missed the "she's talking about x" train.

    Ghandi: We all whine, seriously. If you want, you can submit for a re-review once you get the template working etc. It's not that I didn't like the fact you were whining, I just have no clue what you're whining about. I'm sorry you got reviewed when I was stoned :)

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  5. LOL. It's all good. I appreciate the review. I'll change the background after everyone has a chance to see it and know what you're talking about in the review.

    I'm glad I know about spell check 'cause the review would have been a lot worse...

    Gypsy-I'm glad you liked. Come around in the future there may be less moments of whining. Maybe not.

    Desmerelda-Multi colored beauty queen. Thanks.

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  6. Dang it. I would LIKE to read the blog, but I can't. Maybe I need new contacts - something that allows me to read black on red.

    Oh... and a note to the reviewers. If you think of it, can you link them in a new window so I don't have to hit the back arrow? I'm lazy like that. Thanks :-)

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  7. You can keep the blood splatter, I think you just have to set it as a fixed background image, and then the text should be easier to read.

    Changing text color could work, as well :)

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  8. Miss Brit: is it that hard to right click, "open in a new window"? Hah! Kidding. I'll go through and change the links so it opens in a new window.

    And glad to see you back in blogland!

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  9. Bloody handprints. I can dig that.

    I will admit I didn't read it, and it's mostly because on my insanely large work monitor. It's damn near impossible since the resolution is so high.

    Okay! So that's my pointless comment!

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  10. Content is decent, but yikes on that template. It's like a crime scene.

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  12. Hilighting the text makes it blue... super easy to read.

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  13. I think that the background behind the template needs to be fixed, and the text box needs to be placed lower on the page so that there is a plain white background behind the text. But I actually like the background, if it didn't distract from the text so much and if you could actually read the title of the blog.

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  14. Yeah, I like the content, but that background has got to go.

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  15. i like the template...it just needs to be tweaked a little bit so you can actually read the shit. i also envy her grammar skills, seing as i have none at all.

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  16. I'm not down with having to highlight text in order to read it.

    I'm with the rest of the gang. The backgrund isn't bad, it just needs a little bit of manipulation so it all falls into some kind of readable place.

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  17. That should read background. I blame that party foul on martini number four at dinner.

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  18. All of you rock, thank you for your comments.

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  19. OMG NO! That is NOT BETTER. Sweetie, put a background behind your text. Something plain. Something with ONE SINGLE COLOR. Something that doesn't hurt me. OMG, I need some advil.

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Grow a pair.