Monday, December 10, 2007

Seems Only Right

The sexiest mofos this side of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue are back in BLACK, my lovelies.

Are you happy?

You should be. All of our snarky venom will be returning, starting with this review, actually, because this blog makes my stomach clench. But I digress, I need to give you all the skinny on what's up.

Three of the reviewers you know and like are back, along with two new ones. Myself, Love Bites and Bitter Mistress (YEAH!) will be returning to the fold. We have two new ones, and you'll get to know them soon. I believe we have a full sked of reviews for the week, but as you can see, the queue isn't full. So, if you haven't been reviewed, submit. If you have been reviewed but have changed things around, re-submit. If you want to pimp us out, rock on with your bad self. We always appreciate the pimpage. I have to take one quick moment to thank Love Bites for rocking the new template and site design. She is a trooper, and I'm glad she's still down for continuing the fun.

So, onto this, er, blog. It's called The Empty Vessel and well, it's a mess. The template is screwed 8 ways from Sunday in IE, I don't know if it renders better in any other browsers. It's all kinds of screwed. He/she has auto-play music, as well, and it ain't exactly making me want to do anything but plug my ears, so be warned if your speakers are up. There are some decent photos, but the writing is disjointed and doesn't seem to A. make sense or B. hold any kind of narrative.

I spent a brief bit of time on WordPress back in the day, and the lack of being able to freely alter the template bothered me, and when I say freely, I literally mean that you had to pay them to be able to alter the HTML. Say what you will about Blogger, but at least they give you the option of screwing things up without having to pay for it. Suffice it to say, this template buggery, if he/she paid for it, needs some help. The giant top-hat picture middle of the page is really messing things up, as the sidebar and all buttons and doo-dads now are at the bottom of the page. Somehow, at some point or another, this blog got the "Best Blog of the Day" award. It must have been March 34th, because in no way, shape, or form, would I hand this thing that designation.

Sorry, pal, you're over my head and your template blows. If you want to be creative, consider Blogger, which is almost idiot-proof at this point. Get rid of the auto-play horrendous music. Offer the reader who stumbles on you some idea of what this blog is supposed to be about, even if it's your eclectic collection of ideas and photos and stories.

In short, get better or get lost.

Happy we're back? I know I am.


  1. I don't hate this blog. Dude needs to size his photos to a standard size. I don't get the first two posts, but I've had sex more recently than you at least, balls, and so I'm less cranky I think. (Unless I've missed something in hearing about your sex life...)

    I do think an "about me" or something is required. I love the photos. I could possibly fix this clusterfuck of a template in blogger, but definitely not in wordpress.

    I'd give it better than a meh, because some of the posts have promise, but definitely the buggering of the template is difficult to figure out.

  2. Oh, and vessel? Stop doing drugs. You're fucking up your brain.

  3. I enjoy a light sprinkling of esoteric writing, from time to time, but that monstrous top-hat looks like a Charlie & The Chocolate Factory-brand butt-plug.

  4. Let's not discuss my sex life (or lack thereof) here, please. I'm already close to suicidal from the brutal content of this blog, and the goddamn auto-play shit that's passing for music.

    I don't see "promise" in this content. I see esoteric new-agey bullshit that doesn't make me want to come back. Give me something real, there is no art on the internet. It's a vast wasteland of crap like this.

  5. thanks a lot for the review! but hey, my blog was never meant to be viewed in IE. please view it once in Firefox if you can.

    thanks a lot for your review, but i d have loved it more, if you had written something about the posts themselves, rather than the template and the music(which i absolutely love! and cant change, sorry!).

    - the empty vessel

  6. Sap:

    Fix your template in IE as well. It should work in both, and if it doesn't then there is something wrong. Durr.


    I don't hate your writing, but most of the time, I just don't "get" it. Are you a non-English speaker?

    Sometimes, your posts are just a little out there, for me at least, to enjoy. There seems to be no point.

    You have a tendency to misuse words and your spelling is terrible. Use the spell-check function. I liked long shadows and puppets, which seemed to have a discernible beginning, middle, end, point, and plot structure. The rest was too esoteric to be my cup of tea, at least.

    Please learn to use apostrophes, though. It's fucking annoying to see "won't" typed 50 times on your page as "wont."

    And, I agree, the autoplay music feature is annoying as hell.


Grow a pair.