Friday, December 14, 2007

What not to blog...

Okay, bend over Jan B., you're up.

You're in luck. Your spanking won't be too hard today. Or do you like it hard? One has to wonder, since, knowing us as well as you do, you've STILL submitted your blog for review.

First off...HOLY FUCKING HELL. Jan has lost an ENTIRE PERSON. Seriously, people. She's lost 107 lbs. You've motivated me, Jan, to go home and get my ass on the treadmill because I've gained 25 lbs over the past two years and it must come off. Off, off, off.

So, you rock.

I like Jan. I like Jan's blog.

Jan's template, however, is a poster child for fugly template from hell. Good god, what in the sam hell were you thinking, woman?

Let's talk a little about templates, my peeps.

1) Less is more. Get rid of the gadgets, tickers, flashy blinky things that might kill off a person with epilepsy, autoplay music, advertising, and all of that assorted crap. STOP IT. You people are not 13, and you're not on myspace, so you can't do that shit anymore. I'm serious here. Simple, basic, clean, these are the keys to success with a template.

2) Fugly colors. You can never, ever again use anything that is the color of something you might puke or poo. You're a mom. You know what colors I'm talking about. Stop it.

3) A header should be clean and tidy...Title of the blog, 3-4 word description, cute graphic. NOTHING MORE. Otherwise, spankings all around.

4) Some kind of personal introduction, "about me," whatever you call it, that shit is mandatory. I want to know who you are and what you are doing here on this thing we call the world wide web. If you don't tell me that, consider me uninterested. But, that shit should not, on pain of being grounded from your keyboard indefinitely, be on your header. We understand each other here, Jan, right?

I thought so.

So, today is just like an episode of What Not to Wear. Just call me Stacy.

Your mission Jan:

1) Go here, here or here. Get yourself a pretty template, like this or this. It must have the following functionality: navigation buttons (you can do these yourself, if you need an explanation, just e-mail me), a nice header, pretty colors that actually match and aren't hideous embarrassments to the color chart.

2) Find a better ticker. Smaller, cleaner, and one that really highlights how much weight you've actually lost (AN ENTIRE PERSON!). Instead of the hideous graphic, perhaps something like this gal has on her sidebar? Just think about it.

Now, I've focused primarily on the template because to me, at least, the template is what really stinks about this blog. The rest is decent.

And Jan, sweetie:

I'm really proud of you.

So, for the person you are, Jan:

But, for your template...bitch, please.

3 comments:

  1. I see nothing but little boxed-x's on OUR site...what the dilly-yo-yo-yo...yo?

    Is it MY comp[uter that's fucked?

    It CAN'T be...can it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. So, how many miles did you wrack up on that treadmill today? Thanks for reviewing me and not yelling because I have been reviewed before. My focus has sort of changed since then. I promise to unfugly my site!

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.