Thursday, January 31, 2008

Satan Oscillate My Metallic Whatever

Well, you bastards have found my weakness, haven’t you?

"Ol’ Nutjobber’s gone soft - he likes blog-poetry!"

So, here I am, staring into the awfulness of Necropolis by an 18-year-old metal-head named, I guess, "The Tentacles of Thought"...and I am considering disemboweling myself with an ice-cream scoop.

Yes, I would rather hang myself with a noose made of my own intestines than look at this blog.

Clichés abound so mightily that I’m physically stabbing my eyes with a pencil to stop them from rolling back into my head - dude, you’re, like, totally metal, I get it...knock it off with the satan’s head avatar. Blood-spatter background? Check. "Crazy" goth header-lettering? Check. The semi-coherent rantings of an angry adolescent? Checkeroo.

If I wanted to read angry shit-fits and lazy poetry, I’d dig up my eleventh-grade writer’s craft notebooks. Fuck it: I just did, and they’re terrible - awkward, unreadable trash that I wouldn’t even shove in the fireplace for fear that it would somehow contaminate the rest of the house, much less "publish" for anyone with an interweb-connection to see...but, then again, I have hindsight on my side, whereas Mr. Tentacles of Thought does not.

Dude, your story doesn’t "suck". In fact, it’s BY FAR the most interesting thing about your blog, but if you’re gonna write, write; don’t make me sift through the atrocious grammar of your text-message posts, don’t make me struggle through half-baked poetry, and, for the love of all that’s good in the world, STOP WRITING IN ITALICS. Italics are meant for emphasis, not as some pseudo-stylistic tool that, when overused, loses all effectiveness.

The Elizabethans hung the corpses of thieves and crooks from the archways leading into town as a warning to would-be such, this is my head-on-a-stake proclamation, as it were: no more Mr. Nice Nutjobber regarding blog-poetry. Henceforth, I will murder blog-poetry the same way that this blog murdered my afternoon.

Tough-guy histrionics aside, Señor Tentacalés, I would like to see a revamped Necropolis; finish the story and show me what you’ve got.


  1. Template looks like a fat man exploded on it. It's like looking at an episode of CSI--without a plot.

  2. My eyes!!! It's centered. AND italics. Why? For the love of all that's holy, whyyyyyy?

  3. I knew I shouldn't have clicked on the link, but I did. Fuck.

  4. And THAT is why I home school my children.

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Grow a pair.