Friday, February 15, 2008

Things I'm Grateful For

I feel grateful a lot.

Why, just today, I realized I have:

1. Amazing kids,
2. A great job
3. Perky boobs (still! at 42!)
4. Damn loyal friends who kick my ass when I need it
5. A hot date today for lunch.

And, I'm grateful for all of those things. More grateful than you can even imagine, in fact.

Those five things are enough for any one person, when you think about it. There are emo kids in India who would love to have that shit, and are probably cutting themselves with angst and envy over just item #3.

Today: Things I'm Grateful For.

Okay, it's seriously getting out of hand here. For fuck's sake, people. I've tried to be nice. I've been helpful and kind. I've been encouraging. I try to give constructive feedback.

And you, YOU submit this wad of crap for review? Were you not paying attention, at all? Did you not read the FAQ? Have you never read a single review on this site? Why, for the love of all that is unholy and sinful, would you think that we would like this blog?

First off, the template looks like Shrek's ass. And, I hate 3 columns. None of you need three columns. Seriously. If fucking DOOCE doesn't even need three columns, you definitely don't. None of you have more friends or readers than Dooce, so stop deluding yourselves. And walk the fuck away from those three columns before I beat you with them.

Ahem...

Anyway, I like grateful blogs. I really do. Some of my favorite bloggers are very positive people who are truly aware of their blessings and write about them on a frequent basis.

But these lists of 60-gazillion items, most of which are incomprehensible because I don't even know who or what you're fucking talking about--who would want to read this? Seriously. Some of these things, you repeat over and over and over and over and over again until I want to head desk myself into oblivion. Why? You were grateful for it yesterday. Must you mention it again today, and tomorrow, and next week, and the next 17 weeks? I get it. You're happy. Whee! Let it fucking go. Can't you keep your list whittled down to like, four or five things, max? Because, really, if four or five things aren't enough, you need to be on Prozac.

These lists belong in a personal journal. Why? Because a personal journal is there for the personal journal writer. They do not belong on teh interwebs, where people don't even know what you're talking about. The rest of the world? Doesn't CARE!

Do you want to know how to do a blog about gratitude that people will actually care about? Read Jamy's blog, called Grateful Dating. Every single day she posts, she writes about her daily affairs in a way that draws the reader in, and then she mentions something she's grateful for. And I am grateful to read her, because her blog reminds me to keep a positive focus and remember all of the good things in my life.

Gratitude is a great concept. What pisses me off is how you've taken a great concept and utterly killed it. And I mean, utterly.

In it's present form, this blog is just...a waste of pixels. I feel both stupider and angrier for wasting the last half hour trying to find something comprehensible in your blog.

I don't want to discourage anyone from blogging. It's a free country, and you can look like an idiot if you want to. Just don't submit stuff like this for us to review. Or, as evidenced today, I will rip you a new asshole wide enough to sail a Los Angeles class submarine through. And, the next person who submits a dancing banana to this site is going to have said banana impacted so far up your ass that you'll be shitting tropical smoothies for the rest of your life.

I did forget one item on my list of gratitude. Last, but not least, I'm grateful that I never have to read this blog again.

I give it

It's been a long fucking time since I gave anyone the flaming finger. I hope you appreciate how special you are.

16 comments:

  1. You scare me AND you make me laugh.

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  2. Aaah...nothing like a flaming finger, or four, to take the edge off.

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  3. "...shitting tropical smoothies." Don't kill me.... :)

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  4. About the only good thing I can say is that I like Alice Peacock, too. Otherwise? I couldn't agree more with your review. This is something for the writer, not the reader. The reader doesn't care. At least this one doesn't.

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  5. I'm not sure what was harsher... your review or knowing you have perky boobs.

    Both are well deserved.

    Bitch. :)

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  6. God, there are a helluva lot of masochists who read this site. I'm almost thinking y'all LIKE pain.

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  7. You're not the only one who likes spankings, my dear.

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  8. love bites, did you want me to respond to your queries, or were they rhetorical?

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  9. uh oh...

    Maybe my drama-free Friday won't be so drama-free after all.

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  10. I hope my previous comment doesn't come across as sarcastic. It really wasn't meant that way. It's just that I was reading the review (thank you, by the way) and there seemed to be a lot of questions.

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  11. Thanks for saying nice things about me again!

    The reviewed blog seems to be just lists, which is fine, of course, but not of interest to the general reader...one would think. But it seems to draw more readers than my blog! What gives?

    Maybe I should stick to lists. Heh.

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  12. Solomon:

    I want you to answer them for yourself.

    Why are you blogging? What do you hope to accomplish? Is what you are doing working for you?

    Only you can determine the answers to those questions. We're just entertainment. But, I do think that on your mission to raise readership, if you don't answer these substantive questions, you will continue to (in my opinion) miss the mark.

    I don't think that what you are doing is meaty enough. This is, of course, just my opinion.

    With that, and a dollar, you might be able to buy yourself a cup of coffee.

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  13. Hm...constructively criticizing others opens yourself up for constructive criticism, so:

    1) make links open in a new window

    2) open comments to non-blogger users

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  14. Love Bites, thank you. If by some strange quirk of fate, we ever meet, I will buy you flowers. :)

    To be honest, I never really sat and thought about the fact that people don't know who most of the people/things I mention are. I probably out to do something to rectify that.

    To be honest, the blog is working for me. I blog primarily for myself. If someone else can read it and enjoy it, that's great. But I keep the blog to make myself feel good, and help me realise how lucky I am, which it does. I know that sounds quite selfish, but there you go. :)

    Again, thank you.

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  15. Number 1, Jessica, Solomon ASKED to be reviewed. Thus, your point is moot, because clearly, he asked for the opinion he received, and if he asked, it must have been because he valued the opinion and/or source.

    However, Balls and I were just discussing both of these things. And you are right, we should do this.

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  16. Er. *koff* There ARE enough "emo kids" in India with perky tits, I'll have you know. ;-)

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Grow a pair.