Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Capitalization? Bitch, PLEASE!

I can already hear her: "I ain’t capitalizing shit, bitch!"

If you’re looking for proper shift-key usage, do not, under any circumstances, visit Bitch Pulled Out My Weave. If you’re looking to be entertained, though, maybe drop by and hang around for a while.

Before I go any further, however, a story: there was a time when a young Nutjobber had a nasty habit of standing around with his mouth hanging open; his mother, Momjobber, always told him that he looked mongoloidian (paraphrased), and to that he would always query, "what’s the big fucking deal, Momjobber?" (paraphrased), "What does it matter how I look when you told me it’s what inside that counts?" Momjobber would take a deep breath and tell l’il Nutjobber that this was indeed true, but that some people wouldn’t take the time to get to know what was inside him if they thought he was a fucking idiot (paraphrased).

This is akin to how I feel about grammar, and capitalization in particular, and this goes for everybody: yes, I’m sure you are all fucking geniuses with a style and writing brilliance singular to you, but if I pop by your place and see the myriad grammatical atrocities that are so prevalent in this blogdom, I will skip past without even giving it a chance, and so will most of your non-mouth-breathing brethren.

In this particular case, that would have been a shame; Da Buttah’s pretty funny, she’s most certainly heartfelt, and I have to be honest: anyone who calls themselves a "blunt cunt" is a-ok in my book...a book that also includes liberal usage of the word "twat", as well as many other blush-inducing euphemisms for the female genitalia, but I think one mention each of both "cunt" & "twat" should be enough for one review.

Be warned: Da Buttah likes Da Rants, and this girl can fire it up and GO, but she stops just short of bitching, whining, and/or moaning; she speaks her mind, and does it well...above all else I can appreciate that more than I can justify nitpicking over some hit-and-miss grammar.

I’m wincing at times, but I can dig it.

Also, for the record, I care just as much as girls do about toilet-paper; if I could afford to wipe my hindquarters with cashmere, I totally would.

Buttah-cup? Maybe think about slamming those posts through a word-processor...no? Fine.

Also, a farewell to Mr. Atomic FireBalls - it has been a pleasure, sir.


  1. There's a few reasons for my lack of grammatical finesse:

    1. I moved to many times a kid that I either missed or was coming upon those all important grammatical lessons. Add the fact I lived in a few different countries as well as the fact my parents are foreign and my engleesh ain't so good.

    2. Lawyers are anti correct anything and love to do things their own way. Don't believe me? I'll hand you over the four required books for grammar, citation, and spelling all specific to and used in the profession. They even have spell check programs for legal documents because otherwise every legalese word is underlined in red. That said, word processing wouldn't do much save for correct capitalization which I am obviously so vehemently against!

    3. I'm lazy and hate pressing the shift key unless I'm required to, like when I'm at work [where I be is now, holla!].

    4. No one really knows all the subtle nuances involved in grammar, so I think I just said "fuck it" and opted out of it all =0)

    Sorry it's a grammatical mind fuck for you to read. I'll work on it..or at least try to work on it. I'll also work on breathing with my mouth closed--it's these damn allergies, I swear!

    Thanks for the review!

  2. Thank you for that grammar rant, I've been feeling the pain of bad grammar lately. In addition to my personal site, I run a music blog on which I run a lot of interviews with bands. I send them questions by e-mail, they reply. I always spend a fair bit of time editing their responses to make them seem like coherent little darlings. The most recent interview I did was just SHOCKING. This little fellow refused to capitalize "I", did not seem to be aware of the apostrophe and forced me to spend 15 minutes trying to work out what "byest" was meant to spell (biased, apparently). For his day job, this charming lad works in a university administration office, so I think some of it was intentional. Bastard - write like a 13 year old girl on your own site, but that doesn't fly on mine. Phew, that feels better.

    As for the site - wasn't terribly impressed to be honest. But to each his own.

  3. As far as explanations go, those're pretty good - keep in mind I was just pointing out, as I saw it, the solitary flaw of your thang...LOVE the rants.

    Also, fucking hell: feast or famine in these comment-sections, huh?

    Love Bites = 46
    Nutjobber = 2 (including this one from me)

    Was is "twat"? Or is it "cunt" that's like a pointy stick in the eye of potential commenters?

    Ah, well...

  4. Chris got in there before I completed my earlier math, by the way...

  5. Also, Chris: did I mention that I'm a fan of over-writing?

    Seriously. It's a cross to bear, yes, but I should have prefaced my review with that fact - I love over-writing like nerds love "Showgirls", so if any of you are still reading this, know that you might not like the writing as much as I do.

    Fair's fair.

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  7. In order to generate a lot of comments in a hurry, you will either have to post nude photos, or make scathing and disparaging comments about people's parenting choices. Up to you.

  8. Hey, man. You got more that my last review, which weighed in at a whopping four comments. Contain yourselves, people. The line starts waaaaay back there.


    As for Da Buttah's blog, HATE the template. Not only does she have one of those ginormous banners that I despise so much, but the colors! My eyes! Also? There's too much junk in the sidebar and some of the fonts used are painful.

    But it's way funny and deserves a much better template. The flatulence post alone had me rolling.

  9. Yeah, that should be "than" not "that" in my second sentence. The editor fucks up again.

  10. I love dah buttah, but for the record, that is THE ORIGINAL hideous template It's hard to read, and hard to look at, and it's all bolluxed up in IE now.

  11. Bites: in my next review, god willing, I will be able to use the line, "mothering is for twats".

    That should generate some commentary...

    Calamity: yes, the template screeches, doesn't it? Maybe I was being nice in my review? Excuses, excuses...


  12. I don't know if I liked the blog. The template was so difficult to read that I gave up trying.

  13. I promise it's not a pity comment.

    Okay, maybe it is. The template made me want to gouge my own eyes out with the heel of one of my favorite pairs of shoes which may or may not be the ass kickers I'm wearing today.

    Anything that makes me want to dirty up my sweet, little shoe with the remains of my own green eye is pretty much unreadable in my book.

    How can any self-respecting woman call her herself a cunt. Wait, what? Riiiiiight. This isn't the place for self respect.

    So it goes. For the record, I'm madly in strange love with Love Bites. I have a weird fascination with The Cure and girls that are willing to use the term ass-faced whore just to appease me.

    It makes me feel special. And I need more special and ass-faced whores in my life.

    And perhaps I need to comment on more of Nutjobbers reviews.

    He is, afterall, the very one that made me stop ending my sentences like this...

  14. Pity, pity poor Nutjobber...

    I love it, folks: a little plea for Love Bites-style attention, and voila! Comments out the wazoo!


    No more whining from this guy - promise.

  15. oh baby, you know I love it when you whore yourself for comments. I do adore a dirty boy. ;)


Grow a pair.