Thursday, March 13, 2008

That's UnEntertainment!

Oh, happy days are here at Ask, aren’t they?

"I fucking love you!"

"No, I fucking love you!"

I like love: giving, receiving, self-administering...but I’m getting a goddamn cavity over here with all the sweetness, and though I’m not that annoyed by today’s blog, I’m still going to kick it in the neck for the sake of cosmic balance.

Life in Elgin is, evidently, as exciting as watching a two-worm race on a super-long driveway; it’s so boring that I was distracted by the earth rotating; it’s so uninteresting that I flipped on PBS just so I’d have some excitement going in the room...


Imagine being in some hyper-specific locale, one that you had no intention of ever visiting, and your "tour-guide" waddles along neck-deep in breathless prose and uses exclamation marks like someone loaned them to her and was about to take them back; you’d be pretty psyched to just get the fuck out of there, wouldn’t you?

Maybe, maybe, the throng in Elgin are interested in a site that explodes with enthusiasm over even the littlest thing, burg-wise: "Yay for grassroots planning efforts!" is a title my girlfriend would have come up with, and she’s such a robot that she used the word "commodity" in place of "camaraderie" yesterday; robots = BORING, and though I love her, she’ll be the first to admit that she’s not exactly the charismatic firecracker that ol’ Nutjobber is...then again, she’s not the one sending me a blog about a small town in Illinois, is she?

I would say that this blog needs design help, but that would be kind of like telling a lobotomized patient that they need a new frock; a more helpful suggestion would be a brain-transplant, wouldn’t it, so that they could pick out their own frock.

I honestly can’t imagine why someone would submit this site to us: it’s a glorified travel-brochure that evidently operates on the two-pronged premise that "design-chutzpah" is but an unachievable dream and the best way to get one’s point across is by exclaiming! it.

I know - scathing mercilessness doesn’t help this person with their blog, but I don’t want to help; I just want to not visit Elgin.

Beep Beep!


  1. I have to agree with your assessment here. Reading this blog is less fun than dosing my cat with a pill. Holy cow, the boredom of Elgin.

    I loved your review, btw.

  2. Thank you, my dear.

    Elgin: The City That ALWAYS Sleeps

  3. I love this quote from the response to the review:

    What can I say? Players are gonna play, haters are gonna hate.

    The problem is, dear, that no one appears to be playing, AT ALL, in Elgin. Recognizing and responding to that fact is truthfulness, not hate.

  4. Thank God. The lovefest had started to get to me almost as much as the emo Indian kids. Almost.

    Although I do like getting quality blogs to review, you gotta have balance, man. And apparently no one likes to respond to my "good" reviews, which inevitably causes me to spiral into intravenous drug abuse. Not really.

    Also, you promised me twat. The word, that is. My disappointment knows no bounds.

  5. Fuck.

    Calamity, you should SEE me wringing my hands right now; it's quite a sight.

    How, how, how, HOW could I forget to use "twat"?

    Oh, that's gonna kill me for the rest of the day...maybe I'll head over to the site and read of her response.

    Yeah - that'll help.

  6. Nice to see my snippets in a "greatest hits" collection on her site...

    I do like that authoring a boring blog about a boring town somehow makes one a "player".

    That's quite a game you've got for yourself, player.

  7. i'd rather author a blog that other people find boring than date someone i myself admit is a boring robot. geez your girlfriend must have really low self-esteem to stay with you after you dis her on the internet!


    but seriously, even though you offered zero constructive criticism this does motivate me to write about nightlife and shows and all that. !!!

  8. Yeah - the girlfriend's REALLY concerned about what people on the INTERNET think.

    Just the other day she remarked: "Omigod! what are those people I'll never meet, who don't even know my name, going to think of me?" I had to give her a sedative to calm her down...

    And, what are you, four years old? Spiteful exclamation marks? Are you SERIOUS?

    I hope those kind of grammatical-gymnastics work better in Elgin than they do in the real world, dear, because otherwise you might come across as some kind of hamfisted, pouting brat...

    And, as always, you're welcome.

  9. That response from Jessica is too priceless. Now I wish I could have read her previous blog, purely for the schadenfreude value.

  10. "it’s so boring that I was distracted by the earth rotating"


    And Jessica's response WAS giggle-worthy, I must say!!!!!


Grow a pair.