Monday, April 21, 2008

Cue the Gratuitous Swearing


Partly because I’m feeling cantankerous, partly because I’m being called off the bench for a speedy-resolution to today‘s blank output, I’m going to be swearing like a motherfucker throughout this review.

Can’t be helped - that’s just the way it is, so don’t pretend that you weren’t properly forewarned.

Today’s review is Sue Doe-Nim, and she’s fucking great. Seriously, this nominee for "Hottest Mommy Blogger" is fucking a-one, right on, goddamned fucking radtastic.

Yes, I said "radtastic". Look it up; it means "I’m better at inventing words than you are." And, while you’re at it, stop fucking interrupting me.

God.

I love the name because that shit’s clever, I love the header because that shit’s busy enough to be interesting while still retaining enough white space to not make me want to impale my dark & lovely eyes on a pitchfork, and I love Sue. No shit.

How is it possible for me not to enjoy the ravings of a foul-mouthed, grammar-policing, hilarious, presumably hot-mommy? I’ll tell you: by trying to read black type on a pukey-green background that makes me wonder whose baby threw up mushy-peas on my monitor. Yes, upon closer inspection the type-colour might well be some off-gray fucking thing, but the point remains the same...though as I sit here and type this, reading over her posts and giggling to myself, I must tell you that I’m more and more forgetting about the alien-slime background the more and more I read, so I guess either my powers of concentration are actually the things of legend that they’re purported to be (likely), or the green’s really not that distracting (less likely).

Hmm.

What I think it is, in fact, is that I’m enjoying this woman’s writing more than I fully realized when I started; that her cussing and cursing has captivated this curmudgeonly crank, causing careless eighth-grade-level alliteration to serve as a signpost that ol‘ Nutjobber‘s cranium might‘ve finally cracked...crickey.

Where am I? Oh, yes, I was swearing unnecessarily: fuck.

Back in business.

I would hope that I don’t even need to mention the cluttery-sidebar, as anyone submitting here knows that we love crammed sidebars like we love garden-shovel enemas, and aside from maybe inserting some white into the posts themselves, I can’t really tell her to improve that much or bitch about anything of any real value.

Check that - I can say that giving back-to-back ‘s makes me feel like that one time I got a pair of scissors stuck in my ass: dirty and ashamed.

That’s not really Sue’s fault, though, is it?

20 comments:

  1. Optical fucking poison, beginning to end.

    The banner is fine if it's the only splash of those colours. I'd drop the rest of the blog's background palette to greyscale, and change the titles of posts and sidebar features to complementing blues and greens to match the header.

    Or, for that matter, any other of a dozen no-brainer ideas to improve that visual abortion.

    I couldn't even bring myself to read it, it's *that* ugly.

    ~ Driz

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  2. I guess my concentration IS more powerful than I had imagined.

    I wonder if you could get shot in Florida for performing a visual abortion?

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  3. I took a long, loooong swig of an unmarked bottle I keep beside the computer here, and tried to take another look at the site.

    And ignoring the colours, I just turned livid with all the pointless graphics that detract even further from the writing.

    I also view this stuff on a larger than average monitor, so when I resized to 1024x768 and 1280x1024, I realized that banner is way too big as well. Between the cluttered sidebar and the huge banner, it's just wrong wrong wrong for standard web viewing.

    Maybe I'll just copy/paste huge portions of her blog to a word file to try to read her, later on, when my eyes stop bleeding.

    ~ Driz

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  4. I have to agree with Driz. Trying to decipher small black words on pea green background is too painful for me to care what she's written.

    Sue: Switch the color behind your main column to white. NOW. That shit is FUGLY.

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  5. the black on green totally fucked me up but it IS worth it.

    I read a lot of it last night and its well written. I must not have found much of the funny stuff because I ended up depressed.
    But a good depression, like a Ray Lamontagne song.

    If she stopped fucking with my retinas it would be even better but it gets 4 of my finest squirts as is.

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  6. Also, you need to center your header image or resize the header itself. And, do the following to your sidebar:

    1. roll up your archives.
    2. Put your labels in a separate post, behind a link on the sidebar.
    3. Change the main background to the green, and the sidebar to the blue, the blue will be far easier to read that text on.
    4. Put your links on a separate blog entry, again, behind a link on your sidebar.
    5. Trim your labels down to 6 or so.
    6. Get rid of all that shite.

    The writing is good, but god, i cannot get past how ugly this stuff is.

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  7. Um. Something must be really wrong with me because I love her look. That's one of my favorite color combinations, and her header is clean and cute.

    *sigh*

    Back to the shrink for me.

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  8. I LOVE the qualification that she gets 4 of your "finest" squirts, Xbox; I can only shudder at what kind of squirts you give to those you dislike...yikes.

    "You? Oh, YOU get three malevolent squirts of pure acid! For SHAME, madam!!"

    I don't know if you actually say things like "madam", Xbox, but here's to hoping that you do...

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  9. I wonder if this site looks different in different browsers...I'll just say that green should never be used behind text. EVER.

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  10. I think the question isn't how many squirts you get, but where?

    Or do you get a set number of lashings with the pork sword for dislike?

    p.s. pork sword is now my favorite term.

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  11. @ maggie:

    I'm all for that colour combination. It works, it's modern feminine. Like a dark red/purple though, you want a splash of it, and not a whole bloody site drowned in it.

    Try to imagine how sharp and classy those colours would look if she left them to just the header or a few choice places. It'd jump off the page, very chique and stylish, still conveying personality, but leaving the content accessible to readers.

    Hmm. I sound really fuckin gay.

    Le sigh.

    ~ Driz

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  12. The green is much better as an accent than a background. For sure. But I like the header, provided it fit properly (I'm viewing on a Mac with Firefox).

    I can ignore a lot of the template snafus, though, because I like the way she writes. And it's probable I'll check back in and read more.

    But I've just discovered a pet peeve, thanks to Sue: I can't stand it when people say y'all and they aren't from the south. Where did this horse come from? And why is it so high?

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  13. It's not easy being green.

    Clearly my blog is in it's adolescence and I'll count on y'all to love me through my growing pains.

    The texts' background is now white.
    The text is now black and y'all can read my pearls of wisdom and wait while I get more prettier.

    But seriously, I'm swooning.
    Because the blogs you love have been the blogs I adore and really...

    Ooh I'm so happy I just might whip of a batch of pot brownies for ya'll. Cuz I'm a good housewife and whatnot.

    xoxo
    Sue

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  14. I'm in - I'll pay the difference for shipping to Canerda...

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  15. Thanks for picking up my slack, Nutter. The Booty clan is in the midst of an intercontinental migration and things have approached clusterfuck proportions on the day before our departure.

    Love her writing, but I hate that fucking scoring out. Why do people do that?

    Looks like she's already incorporating some of your suggestions. I love me an obedient reviewee.

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  16. Fuck. Yes. She's fucking awesome. Fucking spectacularly rad-fucking-tastic.

    And I liked the green, but whatever.

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  17. Dude, you know I've got your back.

    Christ, "Back-Getting" is my middle name, and though this is a good way to show my dedication to the getting of backs, it is no good for the monogramming of polo-shirts...

    ...had to get a hack-joke in there as a throwback to last week.

    Pardon me.

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  18. Quick note to calamity.

    Boarding school was southern and populated with a bunch o' belles. The Poker Queen (my BFF) has never been spotted without lipstick and powder and we lived together for 2 years there.

    And there was this cowboy once...

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  19. Ok, Sue. You're forgiven. ;) You at least come by it naturally.

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Grow a pair.