Thursday, April 24, 2008

The latest in our series of guest reviewers....

Keywork here. I'm going to play nice.

At first glance, I was excited when I visited Cave of Wonders. Because, well, I like clouds. And there's a shitload of clouds on this blog. This excitement turned into something else rather quickly: confusion. Harshal, the man behind the clouds, has a few things to work on.

The sidebar, it bothers me. Way too much shit going on here. Really. I don't know where to start, honestly. It's a veritable widget orgy. I understand the charm of the widget. Now, I believe I also understand the widget's attitude toward reproduction: fuck like bunnies. I think that's what happened to your sidebar. Harshal, you can't leave widgets to their own devices. Please purchase contraceptives or learn how to perform vasectomies. Please. No more widgets.

Before I got eyefucked by the widgetry, I was greeted with "Cave of Wonders: Where fantasy meets reality." After careful consideration, I am one to believe that the two will never meet.

Harshal, it doesn't fit the overall content found on your blog. It just doesn't. I didn't find much fantasy on your blog. To be fair, most of the fantasy I did find, I almost enjoyed. Only because it all involved killing/maiming your roommate. I can relate to this fantasy, so I'm giving you the green light on more 'death to the roommate' posts. So, yeah, change your headliner and write more about killing your roommate. Fuck it, kill your roommate and write about it. That's a post I would like to see in the future on your blog. Don't make the reader dig for it, I could have done without the filler that exists between death threats.

I understand that you study biomedical engineering. What that is exactly, I don't understand. I don't need to. That's another thing I enjoyed, from the posts I read: you didn't try to explain that shit to me. Thank you for that.

So, in short, here's my advice: unless some really crazy shit happens to you, focus solely on demeaning your roommate. That shit was funny. Not hilarious, but much more high speed than your musings on the 'scare factor' of Eddie Murphy. Yes, readers, you will dig for that as well.

I found bits of interest, but I see a creative writing class in your future, Harshal. That would help you out I think. I'm not going to get into your sentence structure, grammatical errors, or misuse of the English language; I think that would be unfair. English is obviously not your first language and your understanding of it is something you can improve. All I can really say is, well, keep at it. I like to encourage people to write. I also encourage honesty, so you're getting one star on this, for making an attempt:



p.s. Want to guest review?

96 comments:

  1. Personally, I'm a big fan of suggesting roommate-murder as blog-post topic; I agree with your assessment so completely that I don't even have a funny/snide/pithy comment to close out on...

    Nice review, dude.

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  2. Personally, I'm kind of pissed that you didn't link the roommate murder post, I searched for it for 20 minutes in that morass of post-adolescent not-even-interesting college boy crap.

    And never found it.

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  3. It's probably a sign of my oppositional personality disorder that I find this post hilarious.

    And I quote:

    13. Blogs with disturbing color schemes...bright red or neon yellow...bye bye.

    14. Blogs which have a lot of swearing going on...rejected. I get tired of seeing "fuck" after ever 5 words you know.


    Gosh, I feel so rejected...

    Heh.

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  4. Fuck, that's terrible that she dislikes fucking swearing...you'd think she'd maybe, I dunno, NOT SUBMIT to site that's teeming with criteria she dislikes.

    Kind of like me submitting my blog to a Christian review-site.

    Actually, that's not a bad idea - dose something like that exist?

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  5. I think I have PTSD from the spate of emo Indian bloggers we had earlier in the year.

    Cave of Wonders? Where the hell is Aladdin when you need him?

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  6. GOD my fingers are assholes!

    "dose" = "does", obviously...

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  7. Jobber, have I mentioned that my world is incomplete when you aren't around, commenting? I mean I know you have house-boy shit to do and all, but I NEEEEEEED you.

    And, i have it on good information that your fingers are MAGICAL. ;)

    (Okay, fine, I'm having a needy/clingy week for some reason).

    I don't know if Christian review sites exist, but don't you kind of want to submit our site to one of them to see what happens?

    Hee!

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  8. p.s. I'm thinking Key was too nice. Do we really want to encourage this person to keep writing? There is a teensy very mean part of me that wants to force some bloggers to fucking stop, already.

    Harshal might be one of them.

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  9. I'm thinking "teensy" might be the understatement of the year. ;)

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  10. The hole in my soul widens every time I'm unable to partake in our comment board drollery...sorry; I've been reading Driz' blog.

    [badum bum!]

    I'm thinking of starting a Christian review-site just to tear my own shit apart using fictionalized-quotes from the bible: "and ye who is servant of God shall not enliven others with thoughts so foul in nature - BEGONE! Cast thyself down the river of fire clad in nothing but the scraps of your own vile dignity, and woe be unto you!"

    Yes, and after that nonsense I'm STILL going to agree that some people should just knock it off with the writing; I'm all for encouragement, but after a a snake bites you five times, at what point do you think you should stop trying to train it?

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  11. I'll have you know, Calamity, that I am full of the love of Jesus. FULL.

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  12. Hey, if you're so full of Jesus, maybe YOU could review my site!

    Waitaminute...

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  13. I could so review your site, babycakes, but I'd have to tap into my inner former sunday school teacher.

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  14. She might be unavailable at the moment, though, I'm fantasizing about Jobber/Keywork sandwich with me in the middle.

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  15. As long as I get to high-five someone, I'm in...

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  16. Look, I coulda been a hell of alot meaner. It was painful to be as nice as I was. But, this was my first review, and I treated it like anal. I'm just easing it in, applying way too much lube. I'm alot harder on good writers that insist on writing average shit. This guy isn't a born writer by any means, so trashing his sensibilities would be like the fish/barrel thing. Thanks for the warm reception, I'll be around.

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  17. It might be because I'm stuck in bitch mode, but this blog is boring. Yesterday's blog was no real thrill for me, either.

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  18. This blog reviewing crap isn't an exact science, is it?

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  19. It ain't no rocket science, that's for sure. Lucky for us.

    Key: stop getting me all worked up at 10:43 a.m.

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  20. Look, if you really want, I could smoke this cloudy shitpiece. In fifty words or less.

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  21. Only if you really want to. Mainly, I was just fucking with you. I'm prone to that, apparently.

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  22. Calamity, that's why I don't get all the skillet-licking suckbabies who want to come back and bitch over the reviews. Are they really so stupid they don't get the review is basically just someone else's opinion? I mean, sure, you all could be nicer about it, but that's not what this site is about. (And it wouldn't turn the rest of us on nearly as much.) When you sign up for it, you have to KNOW what you're getting into here. You all lay it out better than a virgin on prom night, after all.

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  23. Yeah, I know. I really had to dig for the roommate shit, and that pissed me off. Severely.

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  24. Why is "cloudy shitpiece" so funny to me?

    Angel: I also used to wonder why The Reviewed could be such douchetards, but once I realized how much fun it is to poke said douchetard, I stopped caring about the "why" and got on board.

    The hardest part of reviewing sometimes is trying not to overtly incite the crazy...

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  25. This is precisely why I rewrote our submit page. I am so tired of whinging little ass-faced whores.

    I almost linked that phrase to specific blogs, too. Bah.

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  26. Key really has a way with words, and I find that knack H-A-doubleW-T.

    This is my favorite phrase: "eyefucked by the widgetry."

    That shit has to hurt.

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  27. It only hurts if you try to close your eyelids.

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  28. I meant to mention that: good call on the re-write.

    Now, when The Reviewed crawl from the bear-pit crying about being mauled, we can just clear our throats and point at the "you will be mauled" sign.

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  29. Ha! I've read the FAQ but not the submit page until now. That's hilarious.

    And then they want to cry when they end up with 3 stars??

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  30. Well, THAT one was hilarious - I think she expected rose-petals strewn at her feet and a year's subscription to "Competent Writer's Weekly".

    I mean, to paraphrase Boots, "we fucking like you; what do you want, a blowjob?"

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  31. I'm so glad y'all knew who I was talking about and I didn't even have to link.

    Key: how exactly does one do that without blinking?

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  32. I'd be more inclined to give blowjobs for three stars.

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  33. Shit, as if I'd need 3 stars to give a blowjob. You can ask my boyfriend about that one. I just need a smile or something.

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  34. Three stars AND a blowjob seems a little much, doesn't it?

    Doug Stanhope has posited that all we need for currency are blowjobs & cheeseburgers:

    "How much d'you want for your car? I'll suck your dick for it."

    "Nah, I just had my dick sucked; y'got a cheeseburger?"

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  35. Yeah, but what are you going to give the women?

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  36. Oh come on! I admit I've probably whored it out for less than 3 stars before, but it wouldn't kill you all to pretend to be impressed. Everybody needs a little sunshine blown up her ass every once in a while.

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  37. Um, I dunno...chocolate?

    Yeah - chocolate & maybe a cunning linguist, for when the sugar-high dies down.

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  38. My dear Angel, I didn't realize that you were making a legitimate offer!

    I wonder what the COD charge is for a blowjob delivered via airmail? I'm assuming they tax the SHIT out of them at the border...

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  39. No worries, Nutjobber. I'd probably have to deliver it personally, anyway.

    Besides, if you were unwilling there's a possibilty Love Bites will be take me up on sexual advances for stars by the time her boyfriend gets back.

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  40. My boyfriend would only be all-too-thrilled to take you up on that, which is why he will never, EVER, see your comments. ;)

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  41. THE hot-button political issue up here in Canerda: blowjob-tariffs, and how they're destroying the economy...

    As for my dearest Bites, well, you know how she feels about sammiches.

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  42. Love Bites, sweetheart, not sexual advances toward your boyfriend. They would be toward you knowing you've gone without him this long! I have no need to buy him off for stars!

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  43. Yeah, understood. And he'd like to watch. Men are all perverts.

    Toothpicks...on the list of objects I've always tried to keep far away from my privates.

    God, I wish I had a sammich right now. Instead? Two granola bars.

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  44. @ Nutjobber:

    Doug Stanhope? That's a made up name, or the name of a liar - nobody named Doug or Stan have any reason to hope.

    And the only thing you'll take away from my blog is a valid argument for suicide. You're one of the few asshats I'm *not* trying to fix: so don't fuck yourself up overdosing on nonsense.

    @ Hamster's fuckin blog:

    I wandered through it until I fell asleep. But as I passed out, I must have clicked that babel-fish widget, for when I woke up, the whole page was translated into korean.

    What an improvement! I couldn't read a thing, and it felt like an adventure!

    I'm sure 95% of cave drawings are just lewd comments to women and precursor phone numbers, but WE don't know that - and that makes them exciting.

    I think your best play is to just mix and match two dozen languages through every individual post. Turn your atrocious writing into a hide and seek game, and you'll be truly giving something back to the blogosphere.

    ~ Driz

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  45. I'm glad you understood because I'm making no sense at all today.

    I'm also glad I found today's blog really boring. Otherwise we'd be discussing it. Is it wrong of me to hope he has an anonymous bitch friend about to let us all have it?

    I just like to watch you guys in action.

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  46. I was actually holding back my verbal katanas for such an anonymous bitch. I'm a bit let-down. I was hoping Harshal himself would show up. I have a few questions for him.

    Love, I don't have to tell you this, but toothpicks to the genitals is not better the second time.

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  47. Verbal Katanans. Nice. I like verbal linquistic gynamstics. Whee!

    I wish we had a troll this week. Anonymous was so much fun last week. key, can't you pull some strings for us?

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  48. Depends on what strings. Are there beads attached?

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  49. freaking raccoons and their shiny bead fetishes.

    Sure. There are SHINY beads attached.

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  50. Well, I just want to make sure I'm not pulling on a 'monthly' string. Shiny? Yeah, I like shiny.

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  51. Driz: I was contemplating starting an Andy Kaufman/Jerry Lawler-style fight with you just to satisfy the blood lust in the air, but the best I could come up with was "Driz smells like cheese", so instead of going ahead & insulting you, I thought I'd tell you about the aborted plan after the fact.

    ...And you think I'm worried about reading YOUR nonsense?

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  52. God, I love cheese. Could you send me some cheese, jubblies? I'm starving.

    I'll let you play with my pearl necklace, Key. Just don't scratch it.

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  53. So, are you suggesting I be de-clawed? That's really not happening. It's gonna get scratched.

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  54. For the LAST TIME, Bites, I can only write so much off of our monthly cheese-budget; our accountants are going to fucking kill me!

    Sigh.

    All right, fine: what can I get you?

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  55. Do you have any morbier? It smells like ass, but it is soooo yummy. Please don't ask me how I know what ass smells like.

    Key: Really, I'm much more into being bitten than scratched. And, I might have to think about neutering you, too. I bet you mark your territory like crazy.

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  56. Sorry, dear: the only time we hear "morbier" up here is when the bartender's a little slow on the top-up...

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  57. LB: I mark everything. Lampposts, dogs, car tires, important documents, interns, urinals, etc...the list is endless.

    That being said, any threats of neutering will be followed up with promises of raccoon attacks.

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  58. Death from the Dumpster: When Raccoons Attack!!!!

    *runs away, in terror*

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  59. The clouds! The clouds! I'm blind!

    Thanks for saving me a read, key.

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  60. Bagel, I think I love you, and not just with lox and cream cheese, either.

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  61. Death from the dumpster is alot less painful than death from fucking in a dumpster.

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  62. Key: I believe I'm going to bow to your superior expertise on this one.

    Bagel: You had my heart at "bacon bra."

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  63. Um, I love you too, whoever the hell you are. ♥

    Now, bring momma some candy.

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  64. bagel: you're on our blog. Now, fix me a sammich, bitch. Preferably, a key/nutjobber one.

    Key: Somehow, I guessed you'd prefer kneeling, but you want to bow, I guess that's aight.

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  65. Oh, and Bagel's my daughter, so, um, get momma some candy.

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  66. I don't bow. I'm short enough as it is. Thanks for kneeling. And before I forget, Nutjobber, thanks man.

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  67. While I do make a fine sammich, I must insist on seeing your goods before I commit myself to such degradation.

    Gimme. Just gimme.

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  68. Obviously my standards are too low. Everyone else that shows up here is so demanding! Three stars and a blowjob, kneeling, scratching, candy, goods previewing, multi-language posts... and the blog owner hasn't even shown up yet!

    Not to mention George wanting everyone to vote him most popular back on his review.

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  69. Oh, the blog-owner would only get in the way at this point...it's a shame, though, isn't it?

    Being late for their own party?

    Pity.

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  70. I agree, NJ, I do. Sucks for him I guess.

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  71. 70+ comments and Harshal, the caveboy (or Hershey-something) has yet to make an appearance!!!! Has he finally killed his roommate? Has his roomie killed him, perhaps....for putting up so many bleeding widgets on his blog that it hangs while loading? Because my laptop did EXACTLY that....it hung up....2 minutes before I had to make a small presentation to my client.....
    I feel happy, NOT

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  72. Dude, that tears it: Wayne's World is back in the house!

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  73. Him and his nasty widgetfuckery. I hope he killed his roommate. Really, I do. Well, actually, I could care less who got killed as long as one of them lives to write about it. I don't care which one. Seriously, fellas, cage match. Now.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Could you imagine that post?

    "It's finally over. As I type this, the butchered-carcass of my roommate lies broken in a pool of his own blood. I HAD TO DO IT, you understand; I repeatedly warned him, I really did, but he just wouldn't stop leaving his dirty socks on the communal couch...I always knew that it would, one day, come to this."

    IMMEDIATE blogroll for THAT guy.

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  75. Yeah, that would have received more stars from me. Fo sho. Actually, if Harshal does it, I hope he lets me write it. I could even find an anime raccoon to plant on the post.

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  76. I like you guys. You don't suck nearly as much as those other blog rating sites.

    Getting it is a rare quality for imaginary friends.

    Someone hug me, quick! I'm gettin all misty!

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  77. Het Keyword person thing....Why are you pissed off !!! You should have seen my review...(which was done free of charge without my request.) But i like site man....sometimes when you run out of toilet paper...just print this site and wipe your shittah!!!

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  78. ....sometimes when you run out of toilet paper...just print this site and wipe your shittah

    Oh my, is that how they do it in Malaysia?

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  79. Wait...
    Does printing on the paper first soften it or something?

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  80. No, but it leaves interesting patterns on your ass.

    That's how George got his tramp stamp.

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  81. Man. The toilet paper industry in malaysia or micronesia or wherever the fuck must really be in the, er, shit...

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  82. オティンティンで顔をビンタしまくったら大喜びしてたよ。。
    てか女の子のバキューム○○ラは俺も嬉しかったwww
    お互い特してんのになんで俺だけ5マンもくれたんだろ?ww
    http://dvxvb.net/kitawa/

    ReplyDelete
  83. Anybody offering to translate, s'il vous plait?

    ReplyDelete
  84. Here: hairy cunt teen fuicking soadfjlsj asd;alk...cialis.

    I'm down with the nipponese. Samurai.

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  85. babelfish to the rescue!
    ---
    ビンタit does the face with オティンティン and the っ cod which is sown it is overjoyed. . As for vacuum 00 ラ of the girl of the て or just we 5 men you gave to www mutual special it has done we being delightful with what, it is the ろ which is? Ww
    -------
    I love the politenes of the Island Gook language!

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  86. Same thing. Whatevs. Bagel.

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  87. Ah so...we bow in humble gratitute, most venerable Bagel-san.

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  88. hey guys..
    thanks for the review.
    And thank you soooo much for not giving any notifications that my review has been posted!

    will work on the widget thingy.
    And nutjobber, sorry dude, didn't kill the roomie. But I did leave him a parting gift when I left the hostel.

    Apart from putting women's perfume in his shampoo and peeing on his toothbrush, the mixture of honey and sugar i poured in his suitcase *accidentally* was quite amusing.


    Loved the review. Honestly. Seriously loved it...


    ok it was a little flat... I wanted to be fucking torn apart. And instead I got the ol "I am going to play nice".

    Bleh!
    I am submitting my blog again after I ease down the widget orgy.
    Review me properly. nutjobber, I want you to review me if possible.

    fucking tear me apart dude.

    ReplyDelete
  89. btw,
    I left a "review" of this review in my blog.

    http://hersheydesai.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-have-been-fucking-torn-apartfinally.html

    ReplyDelete
  90. Hey, NJ, remember how you were talking about anal in your latest review? I think this guy is willing to go halves with you on that experiment.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.