Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup

When I was in college, I worked at one of two video stores in town that rented porn. We didn't just rent porn: we had a great classics section, and I'm pretty sure we were the only store in town with copies of Evil Dead and Freaks. But porn was an obvious draw. I had a lecherous and insane boss with a predilection for 18-year-old girls and Native American jewelry, co-workers who could name the movie you were looking for after five words of description, and customers who loved to stand around and shoot the shit for an hour or so on a Tuesday night.

It is, to date, the best job I've ever had.

Now, there are quite a few porn stores in my little southern town, big triple Xs and dildos to go. But we used to be mavericks.

Which brings me to today's blog up for review: Well Hell Michelle. Cute name, right? Nice design, too. I really like the light blue accent, it's easy to read and well organized, and there's not a lot of clutter. And look! A Good Reads dohicky! Dorks of the world, unite! I'd like the archives to be rolled up, and I'm curious as to why her blogroll includes only KC bloggers, but overall: good job. (The design does fart out here, though. Scroll down.)

Now for the good stuff: porn.

Michelle used to work in a porn store, and that experience provides the bulk of at least the first half of this blog. And it is entertaining, to be sure. I love the idea of a sex toy toolbelt, and I can relate to having guy groupies. She embraces her dorkitude, and I'm jealous of her porn store tour. Also, Iowa is a dirty little tart. Who knew?

So, I feel like I have a lot in common with Michelle: the whole porn thing; the fact that we're dorks who like to include pretentious book gadgets on our blogs; I once thought I'd like to be the dildo lady on the side and do pleasure parties (she did Edible Ecstasy parties); we like many of the same movies ("Bite my pillow!"); and, in general, I'm pretty sure I'd like to drink with her and talk about Nina Hartley's oeuvre.

I really, really like Michelle. I kind of have a girl crush. BUT! Aside from the porn store stories, there's not a whole lot of meat here. The posts are succinct and to the point and bare bones, and that's good. But then again, I'm left a little hungry. You can't win with us -- you're either too wordy or not wordy enough.

In this case, though, I'm not sure it's the words that are lacking as much as the depth. I'm really curious about Michelle, and I want to know more. There's this dry humor and an enticing reserve (she is a librarian, after all) about Michelle that makes me want to draw up close and listen, but when I do, I want there to be some pay off. Right now, I've got my head cocked and my ears open, and I'm waiting for her to speak.

Even though I do really fucking love her, I'm giving it

because my love is conditional: give me more.


  1. I fucking love, unconditionally, any girl who writes this, in regards to fisting:

    I have no interest in having an entire hand within punching distance of my uterus.

    I wish her posts were meatier. I.e., less often but more substance. And you know how often I write that (not much).

    I like her.

  2. By the way, this blog reminds me of True Porn Clerk Stories. Frankly, True Pork Clerk Stories is better, but she stopped writing a few years ago. True Porn Clerk Stories is actually how I got hooked on blogging, along with Acts of Gord. God, those were the good old days of blogging. Now, every two-bit hack has a blog.

    This blog would be significantly improved by reading True Porn Clerk Stories and noticing how each entry is actually a complete STORY. With details so real you can literally smell the cummy unwashed porn store masses.

    Michelle: Love you, love your blog. Give us, so to speak, more MEAT. A girl can never have too much meat.

  3. Michelle is mean

  4. I think she intentionally leaves her heart at the door when she walks into her blog. I don't think it's an oversight, and I don't think we're telling her anything she doesn't know.

    My guess is she just isn't/wasn't ready to step outside of that box she's comfy in. As a sassy, ex-porn clerk, she can toss around uncomfortable words and situations like a carnival juggler.

    But we start talking about soul, and we're talking about *her* taboo. She hasn't exposed Michelle at all - just Michelle's cover story, her first layer, her thick skin she shows to everyone.

    So Michelle,

    If you submitted for review to figure out how to spice up that chirpy, sassy little girl in you that's splatted all over your blog, well, you pretty much can't. You're gorgeous, you're cute, it works, this blog of daily play-by-plays with witty commentary.

    But if you submitted to see if we can see through you, well, mon cheri, we can. And bless you if you're ready to take those awkward and painful first steps.

    ~ Driz

  5. Calamity-- thanks for the awesome review! And if we're ever in the same area, we should definitely have drinks and swap porn store stories.

    Love Bites-- I've read Allie's True Porn Clerk Stories and she is the hands-down queen of porn stories... love her. Oh, and I'll work adding more meat :)

  6. I'm probably beating this double entendre too hard, but damn I love me some meat. So yeah, more meat would be awesome!

    (Yes, boyfriend has been traveling for 4 days now and won't be home for 11. Can you tell?)

  7. And so begins the meatgazing.

  8. You so WISH you could find people to gaze at your meat.

  9. That's why I have interns.

  10. Despite the book-list handicap, Calamity’s so pro at this she makes me want to play developmental-league basketball.

    And if you think THAT joke’s nonsensical, you should’ve seen what I erased...

  11. Jubblies, at least you refrained from more meat spanking.

  12. And, what? No Clerks quotes for me?

  13. Well, I refrained from CYBER meat-spanking...


  14. Um, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot?

  15. It seems I live in a world of self-delusion because I was just SURE that my title would incite a Clerks lovefest.


    Also? Snootchie bootchies!

  16. I'm more of a chasing amy girl.

  17. That's embarrassing: I knew that I knew that phrase from somewhere, but I couldn't place it.

    You'd understand my level of shame if you knew how many fucking times I've watched that movie, too.


Grow a pair.