Wednesday, April 09, 2008

You Will Jog For The Master Race

The first thing that headbang8, author of Deutschland über Elvis, needs to know is that there is something terribly wrong with his site that causes it to load as slowly as an old woman moves through the Post Office line. The second thing that headbang8 needs to know is that I absolutely love his title; it's simply one of the best I've run across. I don't know if, as an expatriate living in Germany, he's making an ironic poke at his adopted homeland or if he is an old school headbanger as his name implies paying homage to the Dead Kennedys. I hope it's the latter, as I've been running around 'singing' "California Uber Alles" all day long. Ehhh-hmm, if you'll permit me:

"I am Governor Jerry Brown
My aura smiles
And never frowns
Soon I will be president..."

Right, sorry, a review is what I was doing. Great title, headbang8, but can you live up to your titular expectations?

Let's deal with the clusterfuck that is your layout and the painful damn slowness of your site. It loads so slow that I may have gotten bored and just moved on if I hadn't been assigned to review you this week. It loads so slow that I went and watched an episode of "Murder She Wrote", made a cup of chamomile tea, came back and it was still loading. I'm no code nerd, but I'm going to take a wild guess that the reason that your site loads so slowly is that you have so much shit on your sidebar. I mean, I've seen some busy sidebars - flashing widgety doo-dads out the wazoo - but you have got to be after some sort of prize. It just goes on and on and on. Do you think people actually read all of that shit? What is the fucking point? I'm a big fan of the networking potential of blogrolls, but is there anyone who does not appear on yours? If you really need to have all this schmutz (and you don't) try putting 95% of it on some separate pages. This will do two wonderful things for your site. First, it will clean it up and make it look all purty. Second, it will make it purr like a '68 Mustang.*

An even better reason to clean it up is that you are actually really good. Your posts are wildly eclectic, thoughtful, and cleverly written - if sometimes a bit wordy. Your gay man's ode to the minge had me laughing uncontrollably. Your rant on the benefits of cyber anonymity had me reaching for my tin foil hat. Anyone who's ever traveled northern Europe should be able to fondly relate to this snippet:

As if to confirm her judgement, our drug-fucked waitress sloshed a cup of Douwe Egberts fakeaccino across the table without a word of remorse, nor an effort to wipe it up.

Why do you want to fuck up writing like this with all that jibber-jabber on the sidebar?

You've also got some absolutely gorgeous photos on your site, but they get lost amongst your list of the three thousand books that you've read or are reading. I would love to read your travelogue and see your photos from a recent trip to China, but I keep getting distracted by your endless list of what's on your bedside table.

Headbang8, I've got to play it coy. I can't declare my love because I fucking hate the way your site looks. But I love your writing. For now, you get the chorus of that DK song:

"California Über Alles
California Über Alles
Über Alles California
Über Alles California!"

and three stars:

Give your site a much needed tune-up and you'll have my undying affection.


* I was hired to bring some more testicular credibility to AAYSR. That was my attempt. I actually have no idea whether or not a '68 Mustang purrs, but I thought it sounded butch. I did used to date a girl that had an early 70's Mustang and it broke down a lot. It was also a magnet for law enforcement officials. We spent three scary hours at the U.S. border on the way back to Seattle from a daytrip to Vancouver watching U.S. Customs tear that car apart looking for the drugs that weren't there. But, I digress.


  1. Dude, You are from the U.S. right?
    The blog loads fine, no problemos at all over there.
    Something's cranking up your net connection. I have a 1mbps connection by the way. Your review was fine. Liked it. Though it seems you have been more generous with the stars.

  2. Many thanks for this kind and helpful review, Professor!

    Will outsource the visual tune-up. Recommendations for a good, cheap web artiste, anyone?

  3. Xander - not in the U.S. But it's got nothing to do with the net connection. Dude.

  4. Dead on, Booty. I've been a fan of Deutschland uber Elvis for a while now but his site crashes my computer so I only get over there when I'm feeling really patient (read: drunk). I can't wait to see how it looks when it's cleaned up! Or I suppose I could just drink more. If that's even possible.

  5. How about this for a design:


    Or this.

    Or, maybe this.

    Somehow, dude, I see you in black.

    Here is a not bad list of blog designs, too.

    The reviewers represented here literally span the anglophile globe. We're worldwide, dude. So, no, this is not a US-related issue.

  6. Booty, I couldn't agree with your review more. Really liked this guy's writing, but the template needs some work.

    And how can I not love a man who has a category called "Assorted Faggotry"?

    Also? I didn't think it was allowed for people to have 70s-era Mustangs without drugs inside. Don't they come standard with a kilo of coke?

  7. Again, maybe not geeky enough, but is talking about the speed of your internet connection like talking about the size of your cock?

    Maggie, his site crashes my Firefox on a Mac half the time. Can I say, that's a hard crash to

    Calamity - there may have been drugs in the Stang when we left for Vancouver, but that's a whole different story.

  8. Is it just me or is it not as much fun when the reviewee doesn't take umbrage at something that we say? I mean, I threw in some intentionally insulting bits. I guess I need to try harder.

  9. I don't think we should try to be insulting per se, but if it's warranted, then don't hold back.

    On the other hand, I think this blog is more exciting when we get at least one crazy person who goes off the deep end on an at least weekly basis.

  10. There's a lot more fun to be had biting into someone like they're made of graham-crackers, but sometimes you just can't....dammit.

    Good call on this dude, Herr Professor - that's a pretty rad site he's got going on out there in the heartland of Germania, and a solid Dead Kennedys referenece to boot.

    Or is it Das Boot?

  11. Prof Booty,

    Would love to take umbradge, but I can't find anything umbrable in what you wrote.

    I kinda thought I was going overboard widget-wise, and you confirmed it. In fact, it proved useful feedback to hear how much the motherlode of sidebar levity inconveniences a casual reader. I'll drop you a line when I fix the layout.

    Deliberate insults? Pah! I mean, c'mon. You're writing for a site with a url that reads "iwillfuckingtearyouapart", so one can't really complain about a sting or two from the lash. Besides, it plays well to the cheap seats, no?

    The AAYSR submission guidelines make it clear that you value good, polished writing. And aim to be tough judges of it. So, on that score, your praise means rather a lot.

    If you read my blog in detail--you did read every word, didn't you?--then you'll know that I am a big fan of keeping a healthy perspective on things. It's only a blog review, for chrissakes. Plenty more important things to get uppity about. Though I can dish you out some fearsome uppity if you're really gagging for it.

    Love ya,


  12. I misspoke - I threw in some deliberately inflammatory bits. I'll take your word on the dishing out ability, headbang8, probably wouldn't want to be in that line of fire. I'm pretty sure you'd come up with a better retort than calling me Professor Asswiper.

    But something I do need to know - was I on target with the DKs homage?

  13. Alas, Prof. B., the user name and the blog title are not linked--though I was a big DK fan in my youth. From now on, I will maintain that the cryptic message was there all along, of course.

    If by some strange twist of fate, the name Deutschland über Elvis were not available, my second choice would have been Stick It Up Your Ausfahrt. Worked out for he best, I guess.


Grow a pair.