Friday, June 13, 2008

In spite of your rage, you're still just a rat in a cage

What would Friday be without spilling a little hate? So, here goes. God help us all. This is probably the worst blog I've ever seen, and it must have been crafted by 14-year-old boys. That's the assumption I'm going with, because the idea that adult men would create a blog like this makes my soul bleed.

Template: WHAT THE FUCK?

Here's the blog's header description. I have to share because it's just so lame:

The Soge shirts blog is entertaining like a funny clown without the creepiness factor. It may not be the most politically correct blog but we intend no ill will to our readers, except to the amish, who we know aren't allowed to use the internet. We respect all peoples viewpoints and beliefs but believe that there is room in there to make light of some things, as who wants to be so serious all the time.


Next to lame, in the dictionary? There is a picture of this blog.

This is the most pathetically incompetent attempt at "masterful entertainment" that I've ever seen.

The template is hideous, with too many colors, blinkies, and shitola, all centered masterfully on a black background. Did you purposefully work to make your blog look as shitty as possible? If so, success!

The writing: WHAT THE FUCK?

First...it isn't funny. I read at least 2 dozen posts and there isn't a single one that was humorous. Every single post has at least 3 times as many words as it needs, and every single post falls flat because it tries too fucking hard. Your blog is teh interwebs equivalent of The Pickup Artist: a hopelessly nerdy attempt to "get some" that fails miserably every single time. It's painful.

Being completely blunt, my 10-year-old brings teh funny better. Maybe you just don't have the humor gene. I don't know whether to tell you to stop or to try harder. Maybe you should have a practice blog where you post shit BEFORE you post it publicly. And, if it's still funny after you've shown it to your friends 10 or 12 times, THEN you are allowed to post it on a public blog.

Anyway, more than anything, your blog reminds me of when I used to work with teenage gang members for a living. And, sometimes, after they'd done a bad thing, like stealing my car or stabbing someone, I'd ask them, "What were you thinking?"

Every single time, their answer would be, "I dunno."

Yeah. That's your blog. You dunno.

95 comments:

  1. Not funny to the point of being unreadable. This blog should die in a fire.

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  2. Not to sound harsh or anything, but this blog should be staked out over a fire ant hill with honey poured all over its chest.

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  3. This blog should be kicked down the stairs into the waiting maws of rusty mousetraps.

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  4. The entries were really long and weirdly more depressing than funny. I'm not sure why.

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  5. This blog should be smeared with mayonnaise & urinated upon.

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  6. This blog is a perfect example of scenarios that are funny in someone's mind but not translating onto the page.

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  7. This blog should be wedgied & kicked in the shins.

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  8. "...but we intend no ill will to our readers, except to the amish, who we know aren't allowed to use the internet."

    Come on, at least that's funny. They should have just stopped there.

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  9. It's funny, yes, but it's just a stick of gum in a gigantic turd-pile.

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  10. But yeah, this blog is like getting deep-throated by a hammerhead shark.

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  11. It's like being fucked in the eye with a tuning-fork.

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  12. PLEASE KILL WITH FIRE. THIS BLOG IS LESS FUNNY THAN ORIGINAL SITCOMS ON TBS.

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  13. It's like standing in a pool of water while getting anally-probed by an electric eel.

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  14. I think Bites is right about the 'crafted by 14-year-old boys' bit. They even have a Sogeshirts Myspace page. It figures.

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  15. Though there was this one post about Indians winning spelling bees which was pretty damn funny.

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  16. I've had turds funnier than this blog.

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  17. I've had aneurysms that were funnier than this blog.

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  18. I once died horrifically in a fiery car crash, and it was funnier than this blog.

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  19. p.s. Jobber, have I mentioned that I love you?

    This blog should be fucked anally and then donkey punched.

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  20. then worked over with industrial-grade sandpaper, and then dumped into a vat of quicklime

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  21. Bites, you know I love you.

    All that love, though, doesn't change the fact that this blog deserves to be skull-fucked with harpoons and multi-whack decapitated with a plastic golf-club.

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  22. Like a 2 iron? Maybe a sand wedge. This blog=goatse'd. Insert Washington Monument, plz.

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  23. I'm going to print out his blog and wipe my ass with it...

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  24. This blog is what happens when you give George Bush a typewriter.

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  25. You people are pervs. Reading this blog is as appalling as watching 2 girls/1 cup.

    In fact, it left an aftertaste of shit in my mouth.

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  26. Correction, Rassles:

    This blog is what happens when you give George Bush a typewriter...

    And make him type with his toes.

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  27. You are, of course, one hundred percent on.

    And the Indians winning the spelling bee? Spelling bees are way more hilarious than racial stereotyping.

    Like this.

    But the best part of the spelling bee was Rose Sloan. Her reactions were priceless.

    And yeah, I watch spelling bees on Friday nights. Word.

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  28. It's times like this when I really wish I had a vagina so I could totally douche with this blog.

    Maybe I could ass-douche with it?

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  29. ...ugh.

    That's a little EXTRA-repulsive, innit?

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  30. Blogger Colonic? Yeah, that's pretty gross. But I must tell you, if you plan on acquiring your own vagina, you would be wise not to douche. I've been informed that douching is no longer considered a healthy decision. Apparently, whatever finds it's way in must independently find it's way out. Or something like that. Again, I don't have a vagina, so my I-play-an-expert-in-your-mom's-room opinion is likely less than valid.

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  31. Ass-douching, though...ass-douching's on the up-and-up?

    Awesome.

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  32. The vag is self-cleaning. Like ovens. Or cats.

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  33. But, as far as I know, assholes need serious douching.

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  34. I knew about the cat & the vag, but I had no idea that an oven could lick itself...every day really is a new experience, isn't it?

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  35. Oh, sure, I've caught my oven tonguing itself aplenty.

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  36. "The vag is self-cleaning. Like ovens. Or cats."

    So that's why they call it a pussy.

    Oh god. I went with a pun. It stings.

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  37. I dunno who woozie is, I dunno where he came from, but that was some funny shit.

    Also, this blog should be pummeled to death by a room full of sugar-addled pre-schoolers.

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  38. I liked your pun, Callie. I also love the self-cleaning nature of my vagina.

    And, the word vagina.

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  39. This blog should be fed razor-blades and forced to watch Rosie O'Donnell having sex with a telephone pole.

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  40. I wonder what this blog's head would look like on a stick.

    /Pat Bateman

    Hi.

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  41. This blog is like getting fistfucked in the ear.

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  42. gah, I fucked that up. How does one get fistfucked with a two-by-four?

    This blog would write that.

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  43. This blog is like dating a supermodel and then finding out that she was podcasting that time she rammed a stapler and four supervolt-batteries into your rectum, watching it become a massive hit with the DVD crowd but not being able to cash-in because you don't want to be known as the guy with a stapler and four supervolt-batteries in his ass.

    Hello, Mr. Fireballs. How've you been?

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  44. Things are awesomely outstanding, or outstandlingly awesome, depending on your outlook. Not for me, but for someone, I'm sure.

    I'd rather be in a man-love sandwich with Perez Hilton and Mr. Whorf than have to look at this blog one further second.

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  45. I'd rather elbow-fuck a diseased squid in monkey-feces than sting my eyes with this blog.

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  46. I’d rather eat lima-beans while stitching my genitals to the engine-block of a 1995 Ford Contour than read this blog.

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  47. I’d rather eat a 1995 Ford Contour piece-by-piece and then regurgitate it with the help of a broken shoe-horn and a quarter-mile of yak-intestine than read this blog.

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  48. Perhaps I'm getting carried away...

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  49. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  50. I respect all these opinions, as they are just that, opinions.

    I like this! How is a blog trashing another blog, with 10 members commenting a buncha times, constitute a better blog written by 14 year olds? Someone hates their daddy a little to much. Even Oprah can't destroy that psycho somatic crutch that seems to be present like the urination of words that fills this blog.

    I think the sogeshirts.com blog, is meant to be a joke.
    Which, every post in here, seems to state just that. it's a joke. to all that is called Life.

    all the punches, all the tearing down, all the I'm mightier than you because i won a "your mom" contest in 6th grade, and i can throw cut downs out like i hand out herpes... is just plain funny.

    I think this blog served a purpose, and that's to get adults, acting like children, and somehow enjoying something in life..

    Just my opinion.

    Peace

    D
    Soge Shirts, Pres.

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  51. Wow, I didn't get that from this review. I think after 'this blog sucks', there really wasn't much left to say. Because, well, your blog sucks. Seriously, you bore coma patients. Also, note that Ask is not a personal blog. But again, your blog is a filthy shitpiece.

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  52. This doesn't even have anything to do with you anymore, D; it's taken a life of its own, this madness that's spilled out across our comments-section.

    How does this "constitute a better blog than written by 14 year olds"?

    Dude...we're *funny*, that's how.

    Please don't tell me that your blog is only place where I can go to enjoy my life - I'm having PLENTY of fun right here.

    And, here's the kicker, I ALWAYS have plenty of fun, and not all of it is coming up with revoltingly asinine attack-comments...though it might, to the outside eye, look that way.

    Nope: I have puppy-dogs to pet and popsicles to eat...I'm just taking time from my busy schedule to assist in the raining of bile onto your blog.

    Sometimes, well, sometimes that's just the way it goes.

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  53. By the way, I'm stealing "filthy shitpiece"...and by "stealing", I mean "using and giving credit where credit is due".

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  54. Fighting on the internet is like racing in the special Olympics. You may win, but you're still retarded.

    We are in the middle of changing the Look of our blog.

    You got us there. We're sorry to force you to use the keyboard more than you should.

    Stay away from our blog, and you'll live a anally rapped, douche bagging piece of shit free life.

    That's a Soge Shirts Promise.

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  55. Hey! I don't hate my daddy! Why, I just sent him a card for Father's Day that will probably be a day late.

    Also, no matter what you say, your blog isn't funny. Cats tripping toddlers are funny. Guys getting hit in the balls by various objects is funny. Brides falling on their faces are funny. Hell, Dane Cook is even pretty funny.

    But your blog? Not funny.

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  56. NJ, at least you found a way to pry some form of entertainment from that massive glob of nothing. I think I am slowly becoming the 'shitpiece' guy.

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  57. Oh, and that Special Olympics joke was funny...way back in 2000.

    Burn.

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  58. I'm pretty done with Special Olympics jokes - they, like this comeback, are tired.

    There are, what, maybe twenty EXCEPTIONALLY funny things written in this comments-section only MILDLY pertaining to your blog; imagine we were talking about MY blog, go back, and laugh your ass off.

    Most of all, relax; this is less an attack than a spirited flexing of creativity...jeepers creepers.

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  59. BM, take that back. Dane Cook is never funny. Unless he is getting hit in the balls with various objects.

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  60. Keywork, well, compared to the blog, Dane Cook is a laugh riot.

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  61. I'd rather read this blog than listen to Dane Cook.

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  62. I'd rather eat dryer-lint and jab toothpicks under my fingernails than listen to Dane Cook.

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  63. I'd rather lick rat anus than listen to Dane Cook.

    But if I can put him on mute and he'd get naked and put a bag over his head, that'd be ok. Not the rat. Dane Cook.

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  64. I think the naked, brown bagged rat better illustrates your point, Calamity.

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  65. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree...

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  66. I'd rather bite the head off a baby-penguin and tongue acne-puss than listen to Dane Cook; bagged & naked wouldn't sway me.

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  67. Of course, to each their own.

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  68. Ok, what if Dane Cook was speaking through the naked, brown bagged, recently rimmed rat?

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  69. Sometimes, Key (in response to a MUCH earlier statement: apologies), you have to just close your eyes and create your own entertainment, don't you?

    I mean, this blog was so horrifyingly unfunny that there had to be SOMETHING we could laugh at, right?

    Right - absurd madness of our own doing. Way to go, team!

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  70. If Dane Cook was speaking through ANYthing, including his own mouth, I think I'd have to step on it.

    Presuming, of course, that he couldn't feel the loathing seeping off me as I snuck up on him...

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  71. this blog is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Not...so fucking funny. Give me a break. I couldn't even get past the first sentence. The thing is don't say it's funny when you know it's not.

    I'm beginning to see a pattern with the, "stay away from my blog" or "never read my blog again or else..."

    LB, I love the word vagina.

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  72. Total non-sequitur, but Ms. Mistress? I never told you that the last review you did was one of the funniest things on the site, did I?

    Only mentioning it now lest you think I dislike you because I despise Dane Cook...yes, some call that sucking up, but I call it Beautiful Honesty.

    Well, Beautiful Honesty with a side-order of Sucking-Up, maybe...

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  73. he just needed an excuse to make him look not look so bad when reality it's you guys who are the funny ones. He knows that.

    some people just can't admit when they have failed. And it looks like he not doing such a good job at sticking up for himself.

    you guys rock.

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  74. Job- thanks, but if you want to sleep with me, all you have to do is ask...kidding.

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  75. I admit it. I have failed. To pass a turd as steaming as this blog.

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  76. Pretty much, NJ. Pretty much.

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  77. Just recently?

    That's *dedication*.

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  78. I love this place. It's like eating bunch in the middle of a sweaty cafeteria with a bunch of demented middle school nerds.

    The blog in question? It's like spending all day in the special ed section of school with your tongue taped to your ear, and your hand clutched across your chest, mouthing and drooling the words, "I don't get it."

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  79. More fiber, Calamity. Also, try the veal.

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  80. I'd rather break my leg and slice open my neck with the splintered bone than read this blog...OR listen to Dane Cook.

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  81. I actually thought you meant "brunch" Bites...

    Ask And Ye Shall Receive = high-society?

    Obviously.

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  82. Yeah, I was thinking mimosas as well.

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  83. Maybe cilantro? On EVERYTHING?

    Perfect, jeeves.

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  84. Heh. LB said "dammit".

    Anyway, I have a point: It is that nobody seems to be paying proper attention the fact that Atomic Fireballs has suddenly reappeared, not to mention Bitter Mistress.

    I think this calls for a toast, no?

    To -- well, whatever, you guys come up with the clever stuff, I'ma just drink right here.

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  85. Well, that's one we definitely agree on. Avoid at all costs. Ugly, stupid and another good reason to turn the computer off and go snooze in the sun.

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  86. I'm like a Unicorn, Maggie, all ephemeral and shit, you know

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  87. Late to the party again, I am.

    Okay - I read this stuff and I'm thinking English is not his first language.

    And WTF? He actually has people reading it and commenting.

    Poke my eyes out with Blaze Starr's pasties if ever accidentally click on that link again, k?

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  88. Did you notice that Bridget, the Arbonne sales rep, comments first on almost every post?

    I bet they're doin it, or it's his mom. Either way I'm disgusted.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.