Friday, June 06, 2008

Stop with the kissing already

This may well be an unsolicited review. On the other hand, I have the opinion that many of the people who submitted to us, who were finally reviewed 10-12 weeks later (yes, at 5 reviews a week, it is taking THAT long to get down the list), have forgotten that they even submitted. Three months is a long damn time in my world, at least. I can barely remember what I did yesterday unless it involves sex.

And, beyond whether or not she submitted, this lady needs us. She needs us very, very badly. Anyone with a bunch of kissing children in her header needs an intervention, whether she wants it or not.

So, here goes. And, I'm not going to feel like a bully here, because some stuff just needs to be said to the blogosphere, as a whole, and to this blogger, specifically. Plus, some days, don't you just feel like being a candid as hell bitch? Well, I do, anyway. Chalk it up to me being as old as dirt. I AM your awkward aunt Phyllis, the one who will tell you to stop wearing that ugly dress. Love me or hate me, I'm too damn old to give a fuck.

Insomnimusing is a relatively new blog. Haven't we all been there, struggling desperately to make a blogger template not look like shit? Haven't we all had too much crap in our sidebars, a blurry header image, and too much shit going on overall? Didn't we all try the google ads before realizing they didn't earn us one hot red cent? Fess up, y'all. You know you did. I know I did, lo these many moons ago when I first got a wild hair up my milfish ass and decided that I, too, could be a blogger.

Yeah. Anyway. Enough about our shared shame.

Rachel claims to be a webmaster. Yeah, right. Your blog template looks like shiite, darlin', and you need to polish that mess right up, or we'll be tempted to call you a poseur. So, here goes:

1. Get a real template. You owe it to yourself. Look on our FAQ for some recommendations of places to go to find one.

2. Clean up those damn labels. Labels are like penises. A few good ones are better than all the crappy ones on the planet. Just because you CAN have ten million penises doesn't mean you SHOULD have ten million penises. I'm just sayin'. Can't you stick with, like, five labels? Otherwise, you look like a label slut, and nobody needs that.

3. Things to get rid of: blog rush, shopping ads, contest, entrecard, link me up, who's looking, and every last little bit of clutter below your labels. That shit is distracting as hell. We've all succumbed to the lure of twinkly little gadgets, but they hang your site up when people are trying to look at it, and fucking crashed my IE the other day. So, seriously, ixnay on the iteshay.

4. Your about me needs to really be ABOUT YOU. Tell me what you and I have in common. Give me some back-story. Tell me why I should read. Otherwise, I won't.

5. Do a drop-down box for your archives. Try freshblog for tips.

6. Stop with the fucking wordless wednesdays, memes, social spark, and pay per post. FUCKING DO NOT DO THAT SHIT. People who read blogs HATE IT WITH A BURNING PASSION. You aren't getting enough readers at this point to warrant pay per post, and you never will with that crap on your blog.

If you're going to blog, and I highly recommend it given that you're a divorced mom with two kids who's just gone through a painful breakup, then BLOG. Don't succumb to becoming another piece of shit on the internet that makes it painful for blog lovers like us to click through on blogger looking for new finds.

Blogging isn't about ads, gadgets, memes, or any other nonsense that is fucking up the blogosphere these days. It's about writing. You know how to write, and clearly, like many of us, you need to, so fucking do it. You'll be glad you followed this advice someday. Trust me on that one.

I've so been there, done that.

I rate you .

You could totally be a blogger, someday, if you work at it. But right now? Eek. Go here. See what this lady has done. This is what you can be someday, if you get your shit together. And that? Would be a good thing, for you, and for us.

p.s. We will be trying to confirm, by e-mail, before reviewing, in the future. Also, Doc, you're in the queue for next week. Sorry for the delay.

9 comments:

  1. Kissing children grow up to be fucking adults.

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  2. Thanks for taking the time to review, and I appreciate the input. The overall visual was heavily influenced the by the fact that I was immersed in an all-consuming love at the time. So....enough said there. :) The blog was originally suggested (although I'd been thinking about it for a while) to me by someone who works for Google, in advertising, so of course, Google Ads came highly recommended...lol. The rest were experiments picked from my wanderings of the blogosphere. I put it up very quickly and stumbled along trying to figure out what to do with it. I've been planning to dump quite a few of the buttons and whistles. Tweaking the rest too, so I'll take your suggestions into serious consideration, and I'll pick and choose at will.
    Thanks for the encouragement re. my personal life, too. I'm getting there.
    And btw, I have four kids, not two. :)
    I am a webmaster, though. For three newspapers. It's my full-time job. The sites look horrible, and I have ZERO creative input. My job description is strictly technical/functional. Corporate and ad folks make all the decisions regarding design and content. I almost wish I could have you review those. You'd eviscerate them!!!

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  3. All great advice, Love Bites. I think most newbies need to be told these things/find them out -- I know I did. Hello, Thursday Thirteen, I'm looking at you.

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  4. Oh. Okay. Next week. Sure. No problem. I can already feel the love.

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  5. Pay per post? I must live a very sheltered life cause I'm not sure what this is exactly.

    But if you're that hard up for money just beg for it for Christ sake.

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  6. I haven't looked at this blog yet, but it's refreshing to have someone take a bad review so well. Kudos to you for that rachel.

    Now off to look at the blog.

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  7. As per your request re: F with F, next week, I promise. Just because I can kiss ass too.

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  8. Saw the pay per post stuff and I closed it.

    I love love bites.

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  9. I'm with you on the memes, pay per posts and HNT stuff - meaningless.

    But, people have different tastes, unfortunately, most bloggers love to read good content.

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Grow a pair.