Monday, July 28, 2008

Under the Pink

I must confess that I was prepared to hate you, Formerly Fun. I cannot tell a lie. As soon as I saw the barftastic pepto bismal hues of your blog, I thought, "Oh, fuck me now. I can't do this today. Nothing good ever comes from a pink blog."

But you surprised me, you charming little minx. You totally did.

Your blog design is hideous. The header clashes horribly with the background color. They're both pink, and they remind me of the non-matching hues of my internal organs from a laproscopic surgery I had a few years ago. Your header, in case you've ever wondered, is the color of my kidneys. Your background is the color of my uterus. If that doesn't motivate you to change this template, nothing will.

And you should. You REALLY, REALLY should, because I fucking love your content. I LOVE IT. I would totally have a long weekend with your content, slowly sucking the goodness out of every single morsel, licking it laciviously until there was nothing left on my screen and my tongue was numb and raw.

It's delish. It's the perfect mix of snark and sarcasm and humor, all mixed up and spat out with just enough verbal acuity to make me moan with pleasure. In fact, I think there may be a wet spot on my office chair right now.

Oh, you're gross. Don't get me wrong. But you're gross in all my favorite ways. I'm still searching for a post to hate, but I can't find one.

And so, I say to you: please fix your fucking template. We have links on our FAQ to sites with some pretty, easy to use, templates. Fix the spacing between your posts, so the date of one post doesn't run into the title of another post. While you're figuring out how to update your look, create a tester blog like most of us do, a place to play with cascading style sheets so you don't muck up your main blog. Move your stuff "about you" away from your header and onto a page all of its very own. Roll up your archives into a drop-down button. Just figure this template shit out, because your writing deserves better.

And, keep writing. In particular, as a brazilian customer, I want to hear some funny, juicy, horrifying brazilian stories. I want to know what the person who is ripping my hair from my pudenda and vulva is thinking while she's staring down at my exposed vagina. I want at least one a week, and I know you have them. So, bitch, give them up.

And, then, just keep doing what you're doing, in spite of the annoying anonymous critics. Just keep on being you, because you seriously rawk.

I give you three stars, with the promise of an "I fucking love you" if you fix your ass-ugly template:

24 comments:

  1. I love her too, I can't remember where I found this blog originally, but have been reading it for a while now. I read it in bloglines, so I skip the pink.

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  2. She can write. Amusing and unassuming. Gotta like that.

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  3. I fuckin' love this blog. The template doesn't concern me because I read it in google-reader, and when I comment, I just shut my eyes real quick.

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  4. Oh, I love this blog. I've been reading since she was kind enough to come check out mine last week. Great, great content.

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  5. I can dig it. Definitely.

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  6. Thank you for the review, I really appreciate the affirmation on the content and the advice for the "design" elements.

    When I first set up the blog I just picked the pink because I'm a bit girly then I started reading others blogs and had total template envy, I knew my baby was ugly.

    I am so impatient with learning new things and a bit duh with directions that I was afraid if I tried to tweak it I'd end up setting the whole thing ablaze, but I'll take your advice and set up a practice one to futz with so I don't mess up what I have.

    Either that or I'll offer my software engineer husband a little Catholic school pigtail action and a bj if he does it for me, yeah, I like that idea better.

    Oh, and Love Bites, thanks for the long weekend with my content, that thing you do with your tongue, that's good. And yes, I have more brazilian stories, the one I'm working on right now is about my first Manzilian, oh yeah, I wax the boys too.

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  7. How long have I been motherfucking gone? Everyone's so goddamned nice around here...

    I'm a'go check this past week to make sure everyone hasn't been overdosing on candy-hearts in my absence.

    Actually, having not yet checked out the blog, I can recall Formerly Fun popping a couple of zingers in our comments, so I guess a love-in is to be expected. Still, if I find nothing but high-fives in our archives, I'm going to blow-up the interweb.

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  8. I always enjoyed her comments, and now I enjoy her blog.

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  9. Actually, I've felt rather bitchy lately. So, I'm pretty sure you aren't talking to me. If you are, read a few comments on the posts farther down.

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  10. Awww, this is a nice one.

    The colour (and that particular blogger template too btw) makes me hurl, but I'm even bookmarking this one.

    Shes not trying to be a hardarse, or a martha stewart, just herself pretty much, I think.

    I am SO gay.

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  11. Oh, NJ, I'm sure you'll find there was no love fest in the comments last week ... well, except when Maggie suddenly appeared!

    I'd be happy to be the brunt of some snarky comments ... if I could get a review already (sorry, Mistress, I know I said I was patient, but I'm getting an ulcer over here!)

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  12. I stand, happily, corrected - there was some serious bile dished out over the last week, wasn't there?

    Solid. I was just worried that the tattoo-parlour I worked at before I left had suddenly become a salon...

    Oh, and lest it not be evident, I fucking missed you guys. Point me at the next fucker who needs his neck kicked in; I'll get my neck-kicking boots on.

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  13. Yes! She F***KIN' Rocks!!!

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  14. But where is the Cult Jam?

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  15. Get out of the 80s, dammit.

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  16. Can you feel the beat within my heart, can you see my love shine through the dark?

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  17. Dude, lyrics. Anyone? Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam?

    Fine.

    I can really kill a conversation.

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  18. Can you see that you must be a part of that beat in my heart?

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  19. dada-dada-da that beat...

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  20. I've been enjoying her writing for ages - dead funny! Good review and I'm with you on the pink!

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  21. I was way into Garfield in the 80's. Dude. A manzillian. I can't wait, but for mostly sick reasons. I mean, I'm assuming they do the balls. Do they scream like a little girl? Do they try to hold it in, and be all manly? I never knew such a think existed, and I am fascinated.

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  22. Yep, I wax all the bits and bobs, and yes, they are way bigger babies than any of the girls.

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  23. Men seriously wax their balls? You have to write about this. HAVE TO.

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Grow a pair.