Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You can never have enough hats, gloves, and shoes

I'm kind of obsessed with What Not to Wear. Clinton Kelly is one of my favorite people ever, and I want him to be my new gay best friend and tell me what to wear and that I look chic. And I want Stacy London to do that whole Cher-like face thing she does and tell me to shut up! because I look so fabulous. Sure, it's an embarrassing fantasy and I'm revealing a deeply insecure and superficial (not to mention girly) side of myself, but we're all friends here (except Driz), so I'm willing to let you all laugh at me. Probably because you have this fantasy, too. Don't lie, Nutjobber. You know you do.

So, when I clicked on over to Fashion Paramedic, I was all prepared for a new fashion guru. I was ready to see dramatic transformations with the help of artful makeup and flat-front pants and layered pieces. Possibly a kitten heel or two. Or at the very least some fashion CPR. I was disappointed, however, because this blog really isn't about reviving wardrobes. It's a total misnomer. Hello, fake out.

But I wasn't disappointed long because what the Paramedic lacks in actual fashion bloggage she makes up for with a breezy, conversational, and entertaining blog.

I might actually like the blog design if it weren't for that whole three-column thing. Otherwise, I like the blue and white, and I don't mind the header too terribly much. There's just way too much going on. Get rid of all the excess crap. Or at the very least dial it down to a two-column blog and put all that crap on a different page. Also, who cares what visitor I am? Why is that at the top of the dang page? Kudos, though, for having some nice organization across the top. You have some broken links, though, like this one and this one. And jesus damn hell, that's a lot of categories. You might consider pruning those.

It's kind of a mommy blog, but the good kind, the kind with a healthy dose of snark. She's ballsy, and funny, delightfully inappropriate, and she has some great stories to tell. I am, though, extremely upset that the one post about shoes contains the word "Payless." I forgive her, though, because her husband has fashion nonsense similar to my fiance's. We all have our crosses to bear. Also, she champions the most worthwhile causes.

I liked this blog, misleading as it was. It's fun, unpretentious, and light. There's not a lot of introspection or inner wounds bared or depths explored, but that's ok. It's good, (mostly) clean, rollicking fun, and I enjoyed the ride. The writing is easy and effortless and (mostly) well-constructed, if not particularly literary or lyrical. I am going to dock you, though, for pay-for-posts, you naughty, naughty paramedic. Just change that particular tag to "sell out."

Chances are I'll read this blog again. If she promises to tell me which porn stars she met.

*My title is stolen from style icon, Patsy Stone, who might need a paramedic to revive her in a pool of her own sick, but never for fashion advice.


  1. OMG! Are you serious?! Three stars! I was expecting a middle finger!

    To lure you back again and prove I can clean things up a bit, here's the list of porn stars I met:

    1) Mike Horner
    2) Ron Jeremy
    3) Leena
    4) Alex "Something" (He's the guy with long curly hair)

    Long story short, I saw them while with my boss. After I was able to get away from her, I approached Mike Horner and said, "Uh, Hi. I'm Kathleen. And I had my very first orgasm while watching one of your movies with my boyfriend."

    I'm not sure if that makes me gutsy or just pathetic.

  2. I will admit to fantasizing about trading barbs with Stacy & Clinton whilst reflected in that octagonal-mirror, swearing enough to make every take absolutely unusable, talking in such an incomprehensible, nonstop cadence so as to make the skunk-streak of London's hair fan-out into mop of gray, irritated splendor.

    I'd let Clinton buy me some boots, though. S'trewth.

  3. I could have given you the finger for your three columns, but I was feeling kindly. It happens when people mention porn.

    Ooooh, Mike Horner. A legend, indeed. And the hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy. I bet it was Alex Sanders. Blond guy? Big nose?

  4. I once saw porn where three girls with tits bigger than their heads decided that they were going to clone their professor 3 times so that they could each have one. Then they had sex in the lab, which I found just unsanitary.

    I love me some What Not to Wear! The blog was alright. Some funny. HATE the 3 columns. It makes it all cramped.

  5. Yeah, the three columns almost bumped it down to two stars, but the Rocky Horror post won me over.

  6. Nothing like Porn N' Forties night, playing Edward Fortyhands and watching Edward Penishands.

    God bless Thursdays.

  7. God bless porn and Tim Curry.

    Calamity: You're right. It was Alex Sanders. I've got this thing for long-haired guys that will never EVER go away. He's damn sexy in person. The Hedgehog is a lot shorter than I expected him to be. And Leena -- she's a tiny thing.

    I'll have to make a call to my blog guru to fix the three-column layout. I had her design it that way. Pruning my categories is gonna take some time. It's pretty fucking weedy in there.

    Thanks again for the merciful review. I know I'm lucky.

  8. Oh fuck me you ARE lucky.

    That's a cracking review for a blog who's latest post is basically congratulating someone on not having died yet.

    Each to their own...

  9. Way too much love in this dungeon. I see now that I can't leave you fucking hippies alone to fend for yourselves. Here's some cranberry juice.

  10. I wanted to be able to read the blog, but my head exploded when the page loaded. Man, she's got a lot of stuff on the page. I love that sledge hammer photo that heads her post about her upcoming review.

  11. Um. I'm beginning to feel like Marisa fucking Tomei over here. Is Calamity my 'Jack Palance'?

  12. I think it's because I was forced (forced!) to look deeper than just your three column head-exploder of a design.

    Once I gathered my grey matter back into my skull and ignored everything to the right of your blog body, all was well. Ish. I still can't do long division, though the doctors say that might be because I've never been able to do long division.

  13. Is Calamity a cowboy villain?

  14. I think Cole Younger would be insulted.

  15. Wouldn't that make you David Carradine?

  16. As I am from Cole Younger's hometown, and thus, infinitely qualified to speak, Cole Younger could only be FLATTERED by being compared to Calamity.

    Also, I have that same fantasy about Clinton and Stacy, and I'm NO fashion princess. But I LOVE them.


Grow a pair.