Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Grind It 'Til It Hurts

I woke up bright and cheery this Monday morning, birds chirping at my window. I checked my email and received my victim for the week, The Daily Grind. I strolled on over and checked out her blog. The template is great, probably one of the nicest Blogger templates that I have seen. I had high hopes. Well, they say hope is a cruel thing.

Stephanie is an accountant. Her husband is a soldier. She posts about honoring the troops and tells a story of an airline flight where the passengers applaud the troops. I might have thought that cheesy, but I have seen it happen. One of my kids is a soldier, and once when I picked her up at the airport, she was in uniform and people left and right thanked her for serving. I guess people on planes are just thinking more about the whole terrorism thing, than those of us on the ground. Anyway, I give Stephanie credit for using her blog to support the troops.

Content:

Stephanie relentlessly talks about her money like a spoiled cheerleader. She shows photos of her brand-new Beemer (you can see part of it at the top of this review), which her husband just bought her for her birthday. Congratulations, I officially hate you. My husband can't remember to get me a card.

She takes care of her kids, with the help of an au pair. She tells us not to call her stuck up, but it seems like the shoe just might fit in this case. It's always in poor taste to brag about your bank account and possessions. Ditch that attitude.

We need things to keep us humble in life. Stephanie's got a mother that she doesn't quite get on with. That makes the writer more real to me. My mom's in the ground, and I miss her, but we had spectacular fights when she was still breathing. Once she called me a bitch. She was right.

Memes, Tuesday Toot, Wordless Wednesday and Friday Hodge Podge. 'Nuff said? These themes scream, "Give me a topic and I will dribble something out." Too often, in blogs all across the world, that something ends up resembling sphincter-blistering anal leakage, which goes on and on, like dry heaves of the ass. Stephanie, ditch the themes. Lead the pack of mommy bloggers out of the darkness, by coming up with your own ideas. If you must use themes to drum up traffic, write excellent, thought-provoking posts that shine.

Slepping Problems:

Don'tcha think that if you were going to request us to review your blog, you might at least check your spelling? Obviously not.

You're a professional woman, Stephanie. Invest the time it takes to spell properly. Do you ever mention your blog to clients? Can you imagine what they are thinking when they see that you suck at spelling and you're the one handling their money? Use your spell checker, it makes us all smarter. Learn how to use commas, periods and caps. Alternatively, you could just have your au pair type things up for you. She's on the clock, anyway.

The Sidebar from Hell:

You're ruining this gorgeous template with column headers which are intentional misspellings of your title. They are repeated twelve times down the column. It's like some sort of screening test to keep out the dyslexics. Ditch those, they're not working for you.

You have ads, banners, awards, and to cap it off, a category listing that is forfuckingever long with eighty categories holding an average* of 2.2875 posts each. I think that's a record, folks. Pare that shit down.

Roll up your archives and move them up in your sidebar. Banners, awards, move that stuff down. Link your top banner with your blog's web address (www.whalenmom.blogspot.com), this will help keep traffic at your site.

The Grand Finale:

At the bottom of the blog is a self-congratulatory banner, which proclaims:

Isn't that a kicker to the rest of us? She's the pinnacle, the rest of you schmucks can turn in your keyboards and go home.


You get the award for the spelling and grammar mistakes


and for the pundit blog banner and the bragging.

Clean it up, you have some devoted readers who deserve better than what you're giving them. I see good in your blog, but you're doing a great job of keeping it hidden. Come back in a year and see us again. I am sure there are stars in your future. Keep the rad template.

______________________________________
*Yes, I did the math. And I'm not even an accountant.

17 comments:

  1. She's the least likable mommy blogger I've seen. And many of them are hideous.

    (bet they wear a ton of Abercrombie)

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  2. She would benefit from a lot of editing with the spelling mistakes. Some of those posts *holyfuck* I felt rambled at. I'd have a hard time reading them if they belonged to someone I knew and with whom I desperately wanted to keep in touch. Get rid of 1/2 of the words.

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  3. Holy crap. Your review was quite on target. I can say no more without becoming an eviscerating banshee.

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  4. Finally. Someone with a sidebar that is WORSE than mine.

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  5. Mr. Lady, you don't have to have your award re-engraved yet, but it was close. Whew, you dodged that bullet. When will we be reviewing you, my dear?

    I feel like the wicked stepmother of mommy bloggers. I am one, but I trash them. I just want them to all grow up and write well. Not everyone can. I learned that not everyone can paint, despite what Bob Ross says. But I think in her case, she can do much better and I hope that she does.

    I also think that the spelling thing is someone saying, "I don't have time to care about spelling." Unfortunately, the message it sends is, "I am stupid." And that's sad.

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  6. I'm with Sue.
    I thought you were way too nice Queen. I would have handed off the flaming finger of death. :)

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  7. Thanks for your review of my blog and I mean that with all sincerity. I started blog as a way to chronicle my life with my kids and family because it all seems to be speeding by. You are right, I don't spend a ton of time pouring over grammar, spelling and writing style I should and will in the future.

    I have already made some of the changes you recommend and the remainder will be done in a couple of weeks since I am taking a break from blogging for about a week.

    As for the rich bitch attitude it is not my intent; I grew up dirty poor and was able to make something of myself even people said I wouldn’t and I am proud of that, but I am also well aware of where I came from and that in an instant I could be back there. My postings are a brief snapshot of my life however if that snapshot smells of rich bitch that needs to change.

    Again thanks the for the eye opening honesty I am sure I will be back for another review, why because I am a glutton for punishment I guess.

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  8. At first draft, my review was harsher than it ended up being at posting time. I tend to temper things because I feel that handing out a scathing review does not encourage a person to make positive changes.

    There are certainly sites that deserve the finger, but I would say that's when you feel there is simply no hope for them or that they have dirtied your monitor just by their presence. Neither was the case with this blogger.

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  9. I like how graciously this blogger accepted her ass-reaming by the mutha. That's kinda classy, really.

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  10. She emailed me back after I notified her of her impending review and her response was great, she said she was ready to put her big girl panties on. That really impressed me.

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  11. I give her mad props for being so gracious. She took it very well, and that is something to be commended.

    She needs to cut down on the memes. Each day does NOT need a category.

    Her children are absolutely adorable. It seems she lives a wonderful life. My biggest problem is the daily categories.

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  12. Ok, I have to say that if my husband bought me a BMW for my birthday, I would definately post it on my blog, if nothing more than to get out of a bj.

    She probably come across as that spolied cheerleader because with all of the friday, frumpy, filler, fluffy, flatuent feature posts, it's hard to get a sense of her 'the person'. More posts like the one she did today and I get a sense of who she is and that's a good thing.

    I really like her template but guys, if I ever start putting awards on MY sidebar(of my crappy template which I gave my husband a little incentive to get finished last night)please ram your fingers into my eye sockets until I take them off.

    They are pretend awards people. They're the equivalent of your best friends saying you ass doesn't look fat in those low rise jeans(it does, I'll be honest). Unless you get a Pulitzer Prize(what I used to call the Pulit Surprise when I was little), just leave off the clutter.

    Great review mutha

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  13. Steph, Kudos. Nicely taken.

    Queen, um, never? Do I look crazy to you? (don't answer that)

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  14. I couldn't warm to this.

    Lots of intangible bad 'attitude'.

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  15. Yeah I couldn't really get into this blog. I'm not sure why. Although I only read the first few posts.

    Generally I like the 'brain dump' type of posts where people just type out what comes into their heads. I found this hard to read though, maybe it was a lack of proper punctuation or something.

    Those weird mixed up letter headings on the sidebar have GOT to go, what an eyesore!

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  16. NIcely reviewed, Mutha, and way to take it on the chin, reviewee.

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Grow a pair.