Friday, September 12, 2008

106 is the number of the day.


Cool Blog Award! I wish I could concur.

This was a tough one. The author of Real Virtuality (RV) and I come from two very different cultures and although she speaks English fluently, some of her native phrases are foreign to me. Also, I make it a point not to judge poetry. This blog is roughly 85% poetry. Some poems are short and sweet and some go on for fucking ever.

Here's RV's header:
Threads Tangled untangled Composite run through Ravel, Unravel Is there a link? Weave a design And the thread itself not know Where in the picture Does it lie.
What the fuck does that mean to anyone, in any language? I know it's supposed to be 'angsty', but help me, Rhonda, help me get it out of my brain.

So, why is 106 the number of the day? Well, dear Reader, that's the number of scrolls it took to reach the bottom of RV. Do I need a superior mouse for these long-winded bloggers? Nah, she just needs to learn where the SHUT UP button is and put it to use once in a while.

RV has more embedded videos than Carter's has liver pills - I counted 21 on her front page. In fact, YouTube.com has only 16 videos. You win, but in this case, winning sucks. RV thrives on disjointed language. She has scads of nonsensical paragraphs which make our journey through her blog seem like we're lost in a psychopath's English garden maze and on every corner shrub, there's another goddamned embedded video.

Template? It's long, it's white. Flush it. It looks like a roll of toilet paper.

But what's she all about? Oh God, who knows? Blah, blah, blah, atheist, blah, blah, blah, feminist, blah, blah, blah another long ass poem. I can't spend all week trying to decipher her drawn-out posts. Maybe she thinks that if she just keeps on going, we'll like her more, not unlike a porn star on Viagra, who bangs his leading lady for hours. Come on babe, we've had enough. Get off already. There's not enough K-Y in the world for your length.

Here's my take on what would make your blog better:

  • Shut the hell up. You write too much. You've bored the world to death already. Take what you think you want to say, divide it in half, divide it in half again, cut a tenth of the remainder off and publish that portion. Even so, that may be too much.
  • Cut your front page back to FIVE or less posts. You currently have 31 posts on your front page. You've earned a special impromptu rating for your verbal diarrhea overflow:
  • Date your posts. I hate that you only list the day of the week that you posted on. We track things by date, here on the planet Earth.
  • Sidebar. Too much. Killing us.
  • Stop mainlining You Tube. Your site already takes forfuckingever to load.
  • If you want to capture your every thought, get a pen, write things down in a notebook and put them under your pillow. We do not need every single thought that flits across your neural net captured forever in bits and bytes. Pick a thought/feeling. Write about it for five minutes and then STOP. Less is more. Consider the Zen in that statement. Own it.

Short bus for you, my dear. Wear it proudly. Someone will be out soon to repossess your keyboard.


15 comments:

  1. Oh. Dear.
    And she's from my country, too.

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  2. Man, I love me some mutha.

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  3. Do you know what I love about this? Just imagine how zenlike and peaceful dah mutha will be on Sunday at church after channeling all this rage...

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  4. Well, aside from the urge to hang her poetry by a meat hook and drain its life away, she had some strong lyrical moments hidden inside some posts.

    And that picture of the made up galaxy? Dude, RV, the gravitational pulls of Theta and Xeon are going to cause some interplanetary crashing disaster, even if they cross orbits at different periods. Planets are like women: in close proximity, their cycles overlap.

    Done nerding out, now.

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  5. Please, as if you'll ever be done with nerding out, Rassles. Not that we want you to, mind you.

    Love,

    Your fellow nerds

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  6. Rass, you definitely showed your nerd ass on that one. Good on ya.

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  7. I liked some of the poetry, but I just couldn't get past some of the other stuff. I liked the story of her marriage, but it was still way too wordy. I am wondering if it's just a different thought process than we have here. Maybe, because of all of our TV programming, our attention spans are just way to short. Who knows?

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  8. Poetry shmoetry, pretty means nothing and wit rules all.

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  9. "fuck off and die"

    That's harsh.

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  10. I only have seven ratings to choose from. I kind of wish we have a rating called "I don't want to be your friend anymore" or "Here's your anal probe" but I have to play the cards I'm dealt.

    Having a special needs kid, I balk at the short bus thing too, but sometimes the shoe just fits. And I get that we're not talking about special kids when we're talking short bus, so that's ok too.

    Have you requested your review yet? Come on, be brave.

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  11. Queen,

    My review? Not sure if you were replying to me. I'm an emotional short bus; this was determined long ago by a panel of peers - and several regional center of orange county consumers. I have a great deal in common with DDs.

    If you weren't replying to me, then I plead DD just the same.

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  12. No, I meant you. Emotional short bus. I like that.

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  13. Alright, Queen ... What the heck.

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  14. That site sounds awesome. I'll be sure and stop by after I've swallowed a bottle of Tylenol.

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Grow a pair.