Thursday, October 02, 2008

I'm all out of stars.

Well, Damn. Too bad it's not real.

Here is a mommy blogger who shows photoshopped semi-nude pictures of herself and step-by-step alcoholic drink recipes. Sounds good so far, huh? She offers lots of gab about her life, more recipes, office tidbits, some photos of her dog. Go ahead and read it. I did. I read it until I got pissed off, because it was virtually identical to the last 20 blogs that I have seen coming out of the mommy blogger genre.

I think that the internet has replaced the girlfriend phone circle. When we were in school we could hang out on the phone all day and discuss our problems. Then we grew up and got jobs and families. Now, the only way to hear that supportive voice is to blog about our lives while we’re pretending to work. Comments left by complete strangers encourage and affirm our opinions. It passes the time. Readers get involved in inane blog fights and pass whole weeks away, madly typing nonsense into cyberspace.

Then, some gutsy blogger decides that her blog is pretty good and asks for a review. They want to know if they are as good as they think they are. Are they cutting edge? Do they sparkle? Can they can write a story that grabs our interest? We spend hours digging into their blog to see if we can strike gold. Sometimes it pans out, other times, it goes to shit.

There's nothing wrong with Linda's blog. It's fine. No ads, no major gaffes, no grammar problems. She has some good stories, some chuckles. She uses her spell checker and she's not annoying us with emo-talk. Fine. She's been working this 'okay' blog for about four months. Time for a shake-up, Linda.


Another boring blogger template.


I am convinced that the only way to help mediocre bloggers evolve into great bloggers is to step on their necks and press down until they stop moving. Therefore, I am done being nice. There’s nothing entertaining here. Invent something new or get out of my face. Do something with your template, dip into the fonts and colors and shake things up. There are millions of bloggers with the same boring template. Right now you fade into those lame-ass code-o-phobic anti-geeks. Is that where you want to be?

Have we had enough of mommy bloggers who just don't rate stars, getting them anyway? I am guilty. I have given out stars trying to find the gold in a merely acceptable blog. Not anymore.

I am not going to applaud and support so-so bloggers anymore. For God's sake, write something interesting or go back to work, already.

And, by the way, what does it take to get past Meh?

Entertain us. Be funny, be dramatic, be provocative, be a complete idiot. Be critical, be cutting edge or artsy. Be nasty, be paranoid, be something. Don't go for depressed though, we hate that. We're women. We know how to use the right side of our brain. You can be better than this.

Don't expect to get your blog stroked if it is mediocrity personified. Expect an ass kicking.

If you want a shiny star, write like you deserve one.

_______________________________________________

This is my last review. Just trying to live life can so totally screw with our blogging, I have found. Thanks for the giggles folks, I am outta here.

22 comments:

  1. First, i am so really going to miss you, because the mutha rocks. That's just how it is. And yeah. No more ego strokes for nothing. I agree.

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  2. Also, can I note here that it feels rather strange to be thought of as such a corrupting influence. Strange, but good.

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  3. I want to thank you for taking the time to review my 'phone circle'. When I asked for this review I submitted the following:

    "A description of my blog? I think that's what I need from you. I’m not really sure how I would describe it. Being fairly new to this, I would appreciate an honest and unbiased opinion, in addition to any suggestions you have to make...So have at me, I can take it."

    I really didn’t think I’d be described as a Mommy Blogger as I have no children at home, in fact I’m a grandmother. I wasn’t looking for any Stars either, just some constructive criticism. So thank you for the kick in my, albeit PhotoShopped, ass.

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  4. Mutha...I just started reading your reviews and now you're leaving? Whatever you're off to do...hope you do it exactly the way you recommend in this post:

    "Entertain us. Be funny, be dramatic, be provocative, be a complete idiot. Be critical, be cutting edge or artsy. Be nasty, be paranoid, be something. Don't go for depressed though,"

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  5. Well, adios, Mutha, it's been fun. Just so I know, you don't wear the fishnets to church, do ya? It's just that I had this mental image and I was wondering how far off I was. Also, this chick photoshopped her pics?

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  6. The content of this one wasn't bad, but Jesus that's a terrible green.

    Later days, Mutha! You'll be missed.

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  7. Yeah, I actually didn't hate this blog. I might have given it one star. No more than that, though. There is some decent stuff here, but most of it is pretty fluffy and mundane. Kind of like me.

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  8. Also, she has a nice smile.

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  9. I´m curious about the photoshopping. Did she photoshop her head onto a younger, nicer body or did she just shave off a few inches of ass?

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  10. I believe her husband photoshopped her panties off. If only life were that easy.

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  11. Well if that's her body, she's pretty smokin' for a grandma!

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  12. He photoshopped her panties off??? Awesome!!! Maybe I should ask my husband to photoshop my clothes off and then give it to me with the backspace key.

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  13. I think her smokin' bod is why Mutha mistook her for a mommy blogger.

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  14. It's not so much that she is a mother who blogs, as it is that she writes like a mommy blogger. It's the recipes, the family thing. You know what I mean. People who don't have kids can be mommy bloggers, even those who are just trying to get pregnant. It's that their appeal, their readership and their focus is on the family. It's not a job description.

    Man, I am gonna really miss all of you. Regrets.

    But, life goes on and no, I am not doing the depressed thing. Today I got out my fishnets and dressed up and went Walmarting. Anyone see me there?

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  15. Didn't see you, Mutha, but sure wish I had! You'll be missed here.

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  16. Anything I've seen at Wal-mart in fish nets is seriously depressing... So if that was you, then you might as well dig into the 'depressed thing'.

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  17. Does this mean you won't occasionally visit the gutter just to hang out for a second? We promise not to get any splooge on your fishies.

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  18. All he did was take off the panties? Dude. Hottest granny ever. Bye, Mutha. It's been fun, stop by and molest the comments every once and a while.

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  19. Man, grandma turned into some kinda whiny bitch on her blog. Check it out.

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  20. Ghost asked, after my post today, why I didn’t leave a comment on Ask about my review. I replied that it was too lengthy, but after fourteen, yes 14, trolling comments from Ghost and two from Love Bites, here it is:

    @ Ghost and Love Bites…

    Of course I read the FAQ. You’re missing the point of this post. So pay attention, and don’t worry, I’ll type s.l.o.w.l.y.

    The reason I asked for a review is because I wanted one, ass kicking and all. I’m saying that I don’t believe I got one. Mutha did not do a review as is customary with Ask. I have respect for the quality of the reviews thus far and I believe my review was not on par with the others. Every review that I have read has constructive criticism. I was expecting to get ripped apart and didn’t. The only critique I received was about my template. It is a shame that the majority of the review was about the genre of Mommy Bloggers and a generalization of them.

    Ghost, you did a better critique than she did. You at least pointed out that anyone could buy a book of ‘Would You Rathers’, its not original. Why didn’t she point that out? Why did she point out that I have naked pictures (plural) of myself? Uhm, no, there’s just one…but it’s nice. Ghost, didn’t you comment that you wanted to tag my PhotoShopped ass?

    And here, I’ll even help Mutha out. I did a whole week of posts about where I worked after my divorce. There was no humor and they were boring as all hell. I came out of my stupor and stopped myself.

    She also pointed out that I post alcoholic drink recipes. Well, what about it? Do I have too many pictures or steps? Maybe a recipe with Everclear is too much? I don’t know because she didn’t focus on anything specific. She didn’t delve into anything. Nada. Zilch.

    On a positive note, she pointed out that I had no ads and I had good grammar (thank you Mrs. Wright).

    I just got the feeling that she wanted to use her last review to either A. Harp on Mommy Bloggers or B. She was being lazy and didn’t want to do another review, as she stated in her own blog. I don’t think it’s A. as she is one herself. And why the hell would she link to her own blog?

    @ Love Bites, “Now, put on your big girl panties, and deal.” I would honey, but my husband deleted them in PhotoShop. And, “So now, I'm left questioning why she's whining about a spanking she requested.” Yeah, I actually get into that…maybe I should post about that. What do you think?

    In summary, I’m not whining about my spanking as you two keep harping on. I’m whining about the content of the review, because there was no substance to it. I understand that this is a voluntary thing on both my part and the reviewer. So give me what I asked for and what you volunteered to do.

    It’s called Ask And Ye Shall Receive. Well I did and I didn’t. And I just think you’re ticked off that I reviewed my review.

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  21. No, dear. I think you're a whiny bitch. Mutha may have used this review to resign, but she also told us what she thought of your writing, and gave you suggestions to improve.

    And you know what? She's right. Your blog is nothing special, and there are a thousand blogs a day being created that will be just like it. Want more than a meh? Fucking write something with substance. We can ignore a drink recipe if it's one post out of 20 good ones. But, from reading your blog, it is the essence of mundane and dull.

    I agree with da mutha. There is nothing special there that I haven't seen a thousand and seventeen times before. I know you think you're special, and your mama sent you off to school each day telling you that dang it, you're special, and people like you, but at this point, I'm thinking it's because you were riding the fucking short yellow bus.

    Clue it up, grandma. You are too fucking old to be this damn whiny.

    Your writing is mediocre, and your blog template is ugly as the hind end of a dog. Either step up and give us something that shows some real feelings, or don't fucking bother.

    And no, we aren't obligated to read every fucking post since you entered the blogosphere. The first 10 posts I read were tired and gave me nothing, nothing at all.

    So, figure out what you want. If you're happy as you are, then why are you still here, bitching?

    And if you aren't happy as you are, use your goddamn brain and get better.

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Grow a pair.