Monday, October 06, 2008

Outrospection


I have needs, people.

I need excitement, dammit. I need to be overloaded with swirling information and inundated with chaos of the most unlikely, improbable kind; I need for fury to shoot me through the dayglo-tunnel of optimism into a heaven of opposing, colliding viewpoints, a crucible of verbal-violence in which grammar-policing snapdragon-sentries breathe fear and swallow weakness; I need to be swept up in the maelstrom of life with a shit-eating grin and a full compliment of readymade snappy-retorts and witty-comebacks with which to confront and contaminate all that does and ever will exist under the sun’s unblinking, judgmental eye.

Michael has needs, too: he needs contentment.

Super.

I, personally, have nothing against contentment, for the most part: if that’s your bag, dig it, daddy-o. However, if you’re going to write about your contentment every day in a blog that I’m scheduled to review, well, then I have a problem. Contentment = FUCKING BORING. Like, vanilla-shake-boring. Sure, it’s hard to rip on a guy who does this for a living and who seems like an all-around decent human being, but, folks, I’m a professional, so worry not: you’re in good hands.

Introspection is like masturbation in that it’s not particularly enjoyable unless you’re the one in the driver’s seat. It can be downright painful if extended over the two-year life of a blog, and, unfortunately, that does indeed seem to be the case here. You have to understand, Mike, that "heck" to a preternaturally profane dude such as myself tastes like dish-detergent on a blueberry-muffin, and I’m far too delightfully frenzied to be calmed by the calming calmitude of your calminess, so, for me, Nutjobber, your intrepid reviewer, reading this blog is like shaking salt into my eye-sockets.

I’ll tell you what, though, gang: the man can take a picture, sho ‘nuff, and he’s got some skills, some solid chops, but he’s not going to tear my ass up with his writing; some wouldn’t count that as a strike against him, but I think I’ve established that I’m a pretty visceral cat who likes things a wee bit more interesting. Let me put it another way: Mike would probably give me a killer backrub, but he ain’t setting my hair on fire. If I had hair, that is. Whatever - you get my point.



Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some children next door who need to be taught how to stay the fuck off of ol’ Nutjobber’s fence.

33 comments:

  1. I think this might be the best review I´ve ever read on this site. Holy shit, did that ever kick ass.

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  2. We're all lucky I don't have the previous two years of this journal online.

    Thanks for the review. It was my first.

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  3. There must be something about contentment being my "bag, dig it, daddy-o" because I visited and I like it. You are right...the man can take a picture. Nice.

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  4. See, now, this is how blogging becomes really personal. I liked this blog.

    But maybe part of it is that I'm at a stage in my life where peacefulness and contentment kind of rocks.

    The pictures are just flat out gorgeous.

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  5. I wish this guy would just take pictures and post them without words. Really, his photographs are Old Mutual.

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  6. I adore this man's writing. I'm heading back over to read more. I'm old and his blog is soothing and rich. He's putting into lovely words all the shit we start thinking about when we can't kick as high anymore.

    Did I mention I'm old?

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  7. Jobber, I'm with you on this one. He writes nice and pretty and clean sheets, but I'm bored.

    Can't stop using alcoholic analogies, but I like blogs that are dive bars, or dirty old diners (like the one he pictured). His blog is very clean, and it's nice, but there's no tension.

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  8. I agree, Rassles. I like me a good dive blog too. But every now and again, I like to shower off, and humor the angel on my other shoulder. When I feel like being a bit positive, I go over to Micheal's site. I'm a fan. (And he's not ALWAYS content. He was downright bitter for a bit last spring.)

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  9. I'm just waiting for Drunk Rassles to show up again.

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  10. I like drunk Rassles a lot. I think she could be talked into almost anything.

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  11. Exactly, LB. Drunk Rassles would never know about the hidden camera either.

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  12. No, and she'd be sure to spout hilarious malpropisms while doing whatever she'd be doing in "girls on film."

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  13. Is it wrong that I used to imagine that scenario? I don't anymore, but there was this one time where I...nevermind.

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  14. Hell, I'm imagining it right now.

    Rassles, do you feel sexually harassed since we're currently objectifying you?

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  15. I imagine she has grown accustomed to this sort of dialogue by now. I actually almost got fired from the Olive Garden for sexual harassment.

    "When I found out you might lose your job, I told them I didn't want to press charges"

    Those were her last words. Before I quit two weeks later.

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  16. Life was so much more fun, back in the good old days, before Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill.

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  17. Did I seriously miss that entire conversation by two hours?

    You know, those hidden cameras fucking piss me off. This one time I was racing one of my friends in down a flight of stairs in a laundry basket and I crashed into some dude who was filming me from around the corner. He was all, "pay for my camera" and I was all, "why the fuck are you standing at the foot of the stairs when there's an important laundry basket race going on?"

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  18. And then there's...fuck it. Dudes piss me off.

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  19. "Dudes piss me off."

    Welcome to my dating life, in 4 short words.

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  20. Hell, I don't even date anymore and "dudes piss me off".

    T-shirt waiting to happen.

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  21. Drunk Rassles comment was so funny I kept reading it over and over...

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  22. Oh, ick. I just read that one single entry about an old person with dementia wanting to suck on your finger and I want to go puke. It doesn't make me laugh, it doesn't turn me on, it's not cute. Just ick. I don't ever want to be that fucking introspective. I would puke on my own vomit.

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  23. Mm-hmm. This is why I went heavy on the "I think" and light on the "it sucks".

    Me n' Rassles, two peas in a pod. Who'd a thought?

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  24. Very nice pics. He should get a design that showcases those more. I couldn't do peaceful contentment this morning or I'd pass the hell out.

    Excellent review, Jubs. I'm so glad you've come back to us.

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  25. Seriously, this blog just does not rock in the same way without teh jubblies.

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  26. I agree, he should showcase his pictures more.

    Man, I lurve Michael. His inner calming calmingness is fabulous, in a very zen sort of way.

    Welcome back, Nutjobber. Key was getting a big head over being the only dude since the Father left.

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  27. Captain, I don't think my head could possibly get any bigger.

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  28. I've seen pictures. If his head were any bigger, he'd be starring in Boogie Nights II.

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  29. Oh my god I love the Wahlbergs right now.

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  30. Mark is such a weenie. I'd go into detail, but just let it suffice. He and his prosthetic penis can kiss my ass.

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  31. Oh, ladies, you know I love you.

    Soon enough I might even get to read the comments in real time...the very second I'm blessed with uninterrupted internet, I am going to double-clutch orgasm all over ALL of you.

    It'll be a disgusting, sticky mess, and it'll feel just like any other Thanksgiving.

    As for me, it is now 7:06 in the AM, and I am going to sleep.

    'Night.

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  32. Make sure to aim for the handbag.

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Grow a pair.